Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,561
Likes: 1
I'm always amazed by the energy the WAS can spend spinning and reshaping their narrative so they don't have to face responsibility.

If you asked him, he would have some sort of bizarre explanation why the cat thing all makes sense.

Ego protection is a powerful force.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
He probably didn't really want a Husky in the first place - or not after you explained the practical obstacles - but kept at it just to needle you.

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
scout12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
It's been a week since I emailed X offering to start the increased time schedule immediately. He replied to say he hoped to have a response by the end of last week. Crickets so far... I'm a bit on edge waiting for a response so hopefully by posting about it here, the universe will deliver.

S2 has been really difficult. It could just be toddler problems, but it coincides with the weekend X took him away. I can't get him to stay in bed. Normally we do our bedtime routine and he'll pop out of his room once or twice with a big cheeky grin before talking himself to sleep. Now it's taking over two hours of screaming and crying, clinging and following me around, wanting me to lie with him until he falls asleep, waking up in the middle of the night and coming into my bed. He has always been an excellent sleeper as I made sure to instill good sleep habits when he was an infant. It's been hard for me, I'm really tired, but I've relaxed my firm boundaries a little since he seems to be struggling and needs comfort.

He's talking about conceptual things like family, love, home etc and obviously processing a LOT:

"I feel angry at dad"
"I really don't want to go to dad's house"
"I'm scared that dad's taking me away"
"It's just dad and OW and S2 at dad's house, not mama"
"Dad doesn't give me kisses and cuddles"

I've just listened and empathised and tried not to influence his feelings in any way other than to reassure him.

"Do you love me at home?" Yes, I do.
"Do you love me at daycare?" Yes, I do.
"Do you love me at dad's house?" Yes, I do.
"Do you love me when I'm asleep?" Yes, I do. I love you even when you can't see me.

That last one sparked so many questions that I had to shut it down altogether. Funny kid.

It's like parenting a teenager in some ways.

"Stop talking!"
"Leave me alone please!"
"I want to be by myself"
"I'm sad and angry and grumpy"
When asked what he needs... "Nothing!"
"Don't give me too many kisses!"
"I don't love you... (waits for reaction)... I DO love you!" (giggles)

Regardless of the reason for the upset, I feel like he's pushing and testing to make sure that I'm still here, still consistent, still loving etc. Which of course I am and always will be. It's hard, though, to feel like I'm sharing my son with someone who is actively unparenting him. I have never been against X having S2 overnight (once age-appropriate) despite my misgivings about his parenting. I just wanted it to be respectful of S2's needs in order to prevent this exact situation from happening. And I know in the long run it'll be fine and S2 will be fine. The last two weeks have just been hard for us both.


chumplady.com
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Imagine what he was like at your ex’s. Probably drove ex crazy talking about mommy. I’m betting that’s why ex hasn’t responded to your offer of increased time. Once the thrill of upsetting you is gone, he’s stuck taking care of a two year old!

Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Are you keeping a record of all these things? Have your pages and pages of this stuff for the custody hearing. This sounds devastating, whether he is two or not. He is telling you something very important with all these things, he is really openly revealing his heart and what is happening at H's house. I know what everyone else here is saying but I don't agree. I think you should record everything everyday as a visitation record, including all that you do that H doesn't help with, and all these reactions of S2. If you can settle the D quickly with full custody, do that and then get into family court and get more boundaries in place with the help of an advocate. He is two now. That is easy in a way, no matter how hard and awful it is. As he gets older, the expression of that trauma comes in ways that are dangerous (self harm, drug use, shoplifting, etc, as happened with my S). I'm not trying to scare you. Just stay clear headed and record everything in a journal.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Scout, what are your misgivings about his parenting? Some of the things you've shared about how your XH treated you were really really horrible to read. I'm remembering one about a wedding.

I agree with kml that likely S2 was super annoying and asking for mommy the whole time... and does your X have the emotional capacity to swallow that and be a dad? Or will he take out the feelings of rejection and frustration on his kid, because he can?

All those questions S2 asked you... can you imagine what your XH's response would be to them? I'm thinking I'd be very surprised if they were like yours. And {b]I'm[/b] still traumatized thinking about him in the car on the way home listening to you and X fight on the phone over his sort-of kidnapping. The statement about being scared his dad is going to take him away worries me.

I agree with Gerda. keep really good records of all of this. Share it with your IC and see if she/he thinks some therapy might be a good idea for S2. it doesn't hurt anything or mean anything to keep records, but could be important in the future-- not just for custody, but in supporting S2 through this as well.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
I'm still betting that once you've offered ex more time with S2, ex will start coming up with excuses not to take it. Drop the rope in the game of tug of war and he falls over.

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
S
scout12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 559
Likes: 1
Ugh, I am really sick with a sinus infection thanks to S2 coughing directly into my face over the weekend. I’m on antibiotics, nasal spray, and hay fever medicine. My skull hurts.

X did end up responding after I posted the other day. He said he “wasn’t opposed to the principles” behind the new parenting plan but felt it was “restrictive” and “missed many aspects”.

He wants to go from zero overnights to six per month including consecutive nights during the week. Funnily enough, he doesn’t want the every other weekend time I offered. Obviously wants to keep his weekends free.

I offered two per month increasing to four when S2 turns three in February and six when he turns five. A mix of weeknights and weekends and shared holidays. It’s child-focused and endorsed by family law.

So now my task is to try and explain why S2 would benefit from a gradual transition to increased time. Fortunately I have a lot of evidence with his behaviour since the impromptu sleepover to support this.

I also need to point out that this transition could have occurred over the last six months but X declined to take the increased time when offered, so the process has to start here and now.

Keeping this out of court is my goal but I’m also not going to compromise S2’s emotional wellbeing. This is classic X - shifting the goalposts, unwilling to compromise, entitled and selfish.

I never pry into X’s parenting time. Maybe I should, I dunno. I know that accidents happen, but S2 has been returned with scratches from a pit bull, busted lip from a jetski, cuts from falling on rocks.

Then there’s more important concerns about X’s ability to nurture S2. I remember talking to X-MIL and even she admitted that X had no empathy. I do worry about that affecting S2.

I’ve honestly never met a person with less emotional intelligence than X. So yes, I do feel it’s my duty to offset that with my own empathy and teach S2 to be considerate of others, and yes, sadly, limit his dad’s influence.

Of course I do want S2 to feel safe and comfortable when he’s at his dad’s house. But his home is with me. I’m happy to work towards a 70/30 arrangement by the time S2 starts school. That’s more than I ever thought I’d agree to.

I know there are bitter ex-wives out there who use the children to get back at their ex-husbands. That isn’t me and it’s not who I am. My only concern is making sure S2 has the best opportunity in life in every way.


chumplady.com
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Scout, I have a bad feeling about this. I know what others here have said about dropping rope, etc. I think you should always drop the rope with everything about your M, the OW, everything else. But not the kids. I never ever could have imagined my H was capable of the things he has done the past seven years. What you knew of him is not him anymore. I think you should push very hard for a financial settlement, as quickly as you can. Don't make a custody arrangement yet. Get the financial stuff done and signed. Leave the custody as the last thing you have to do to divorce, and then have your many pages of records ready and have a lawyer who is an expert on childrens needs. That's the only thing that really matters, the financial stuff is important but really I am sure the only thing you really care about is your child. I personally would not want my kid on an overnight with that man until there had been supervised visits to start. From what you have listed, you definitely have grounds for concern and a court would see that. I remember all the things I brushed aside or didn't take seriously and looking back, how crazy those things sound now. Your list sounds pretty crazy to me from the outside.

But I think you do want to do the biz side without a lawyer if you can. So I would tell him that you understand his concerns about the visitation and that you understand his need for time to consider it, so you want to settle the financial stuff that you agree on now, and you can do the visitation last after he's had a chance to think it through. In the meantime, keep collecting that record and interview advocates for the children -- try to get someone as your lawyer who normally represents kids in a divorce so that s/he is a total expert on that.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Why would she ever want to do the financial stuff without a lawyer? Plus, I think that's already been settled, hasn't it? Or almost?

Look - dropping the rope is NOT about not being vigilant about your child. But it's about foiling his desire to use the child custody as a way to get AT you. Document everything (but I don't think any of the physical things that have happened so far would qualify in a judge's eyes as negligence - to be fair, stuff does just happen to kids and even good fathers do not watch them like hawks the way that most moms do. Men are risk takers - and that's good, kids need to learn to take some risks too). Still, if the pattern continues, you may end up with enough evidence. Hopefully OW will stick around to be a moderating influence.

The desired outcome is for him to stop fighting you for custody - which I think is more likely to happen if he has a taste of it and decides it's too much work for him. (Sounds like he's already decided it would interfere with his weekends, huh?). That's not going to look too good to a judge if he's been given a reasonable amount of custody time and he isn't taking it. These pages are littered with men who fought for custody time and then stopped taking it once they got it. For your ex it's just a way to push your buttons - so don't let him see they're pushed.

Page 2 of 10 1 2 3 4 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard