Finding calm during the storm

[Kindly]

(((K)))
Sometimes WE judge ourselves the hardest.
Awareness is everything , so we can begin to change

None of this was your fault and I believe we all do the best we can where we are
I had to work on me and let XH go to work on himself
Hang in there

Thx peacetoday-You’ve helped me spin my mind from focusing on the negative judging of myself and instead make it about awareness. Sometimes it’s just a reframe, perspective change...

I also like the reminder of “we all do the best we can where we are”. We (H and I) did the best we could where we were. This MLC/ behaviour/ treatment doesn’t fit the “crime”...

Sage4- thank you for your words and recognizing the positive actions I’m taking ...I need to pause more in that area and shift my focus a little more to how far I’ve come. Crappy circumstances, but so glad to have you here...I see you too. (((Sage)))

Your feelings for H are entering indifference, and therefore will seem and feel fake. Indifference is a strange landscape with other feelings appearing larger than they actually are when held against the void of feelings towards H. This is temporary, your feelings will and do return. Embrace this indifference and discover your values and beliefs without all the noise and distraction of H.

This just flipped a light switch in me that made me realize I’ve been travelling this journey viewing most things as being final.

Because of the way H has communicated with me during BD and because of the slow moving nature of this, I think it’s easy to get stuck feeling like things will always be like this or craving forward movement (whether to dissolve this or reconcile).

You just hit home for me how much of this is temporary- the things he says, the way he feels, the things he does, the way I feel, etc etc etc.... for me I think I need to let go of my “logical, organized mind” and live in the “temporary” ... knowing that this is ok. I’m safe, there’s nothing to fear, I will be ok.

This is an unchosen adventure, but I’m ok to live my life and explore this new suspended reality.

Be kind and compassionate towards yourself, she’s a pretty awesome gal who has been through a lot. Believe it.
D

(((Dnj))) you are such a sweet person and that’s nice to hear. Thank you.

[Kindly]

Communication questions...Need a little guidance ...

I’m fully aware I’m letting fear of spewing and unpredictable response cause fear in me to sort some things out that are plaguing my mind. I feel like this is also a boundary opportunity, for which I Still don’t fully understand how to implement...
Can anyone offer advice or phrasing on how I “get what I need out of the below scenarios by communicating clearly” and sticking to my needs?

1. This one seems so juvenile to me, but it also seems like an opportunity for H to continue doing what he wants when And how he pleases at my expense.
Up until last month we’ve been splitting the grocery bill down the middle. He decided to spew and say he never eats here anymore (Untrue) and that we shouldn’t be sharing the groceries...then proceeded to tell me to just charge him for the “things I bought for him”. I replied that [i]I can’t read minds and that going forward we can certainly shop separately but that we will be splitting this current bill for the large shop I did.[/i]
He’s used a few things but then I realized the reason he said all of that was because he planned on “not being here” and has been gone for days at a time just popping in to do laundry and bringing in take out food.
I feel like while he hasn’t used as many items as he normally would, I bought everything under the assumption of how we’ve been operating. Do I stick to my guns and charge half? Wait for the blow up and then try to negotiate?

2. I need him to delete an app for security so I can take it over. He will outright refuse and continue to “add me as a secondary user” - I’m tired of having to constantly ask him to add me if the battery dies or when they update the app...especially since he’s hardly been here all month. Should I just literally ask “can you pls delete the app” and not even explain why until he asks?
I’m annoyed that all of these electronic type things are in his control and yet are for my safety right now. He won’t see it this way. I guess all I can do is ask and then go from there?

I’m tired of giving these situations (and many others) so much energy and over thinking ....I try to run ever scenario in my head so I’m prepared and then I’m still not anyway.... argh.

[Gerda]

Pretend you are single and have a crappy roommate. Don't try to be fair or teach him a lesson about fairness. You are going to lose some money on this. Separate everything. Delete the app yourself if you can, or get a new one if you can't, or just make sure your name is off it and live without it. Buy your groceries and if he rarely uses them, just live your life. If he is taking your groceries too much and you can't afford to cover it, buy a sharpie and label your stuff.

I forget your sitch and am too rushed to go read it over again but it definitely sounds like you need to live separately! You can keep standing from somewhere else or him being somewhere else.

Go no contact. That means you can't work out these kinds of things. You are trying to make a completely unworkable situation work. Stop talking to him about domestic stuff. Do everything yourself. Ask him for nothing. Be busy. Not to make him do something. To be busy and forget about him. Don't wait for him to do anything he used to do. You are a single woman now, even if you are not. Live as a single woman, everything separate. You are powerful!

If his income is still something you rely on, this gets more complicated,but just do your best. I am in year seven of this @(@$&@#(@ and my H just can't seem to accept any reality that would allow this to resolve so I still have to keep a joint account running for our rental income and mortgage payment -- even though I am the only one on the mortgage. But I see it as a good way to provide evidence that he contributes nothing but that I still count all the rents as half his until this nightmare is over.

[DnJ]

Hello Kind

Groceries and such can become a problem bill when H isn’t there or is eating take out most of the time.

Charge him half of the latest bill, as you said you would, and then only purchase for yourself. You’ve already stated the boundary, just got to stick to it.

If H refuses to pay, oh well, you cannot control him. Your boundary is for the future shopping expeditions. And him refusing this time would be excellent reasoning for why you and he are shopping separately. For when he back-pedals and conveniently forgets this arrangement.

I am guessing the bills to run the household he is still contributing to; he does stay sometimes and does laundry after all.

The security app is a bit more troublesome. It sounds like you’ve asked before and H has refused and adds you as a secondary user, eventually. Being as this happens when the battery dies or they update the app implies this app is governed by another party, perhaps the security company. If I am reading this right.

Asking H again will most likely result is more of the same. If you haven’t asked H, go down that road first.

Assuming you have, think what you would have had to do if you had become widowed. Call the company. Reset the equipment within your home, and then initialize with a new app and password - your’s. There is probably a monthly security fee as well. Depending on whose name it is under might make this a whole lot easier.

Same for the internet router and other electronics. They have physical reset buttons, and then you re-initialize. You may want to look up how to guides before H were to do something immature like change the login password on the wi-fi. Not saying that would happen, however you would be more secure knowing you can fix it, and quickly.

Basically, when roommate H is behaving like an @ss, let him be and go around him.

The advice is usually if things are going smoothly and you can live with how bills and stuff is happening, then go with it. However, once that doesn’t work for you anymore; financial security and protection; get things altered. It’s your place too. Get your name on the app, bills, etc, and ensure H is, and will be, paying his fair share.

D

[Gerda]

I agree with DnJ in principle (Our youtube channel, DnJ and Gerda in the Woods, went viral as a result of that) but I want to add something that DnJ has not experienced --

The confusion of the LBS with a live-in MLCer.

Those viewing my thread since 2014 can see what I mean.

I am one of the toughest women I know, can hustle my way through almost any financial trouble and come out okay, able to leap tall buildings with a single bound, etc., but I was completely confused by the tension between standing and not allowing abuse and further financial ruin.

I think the danger you face is that confusion.

If you have the stamina to try setting a boundary and then see if it works and then alter course if needed, go for it.

But if you are anything like me, I would jump directly to all forms of no contact that are possible for you. That was the only thing that began to clear my head, and even that took a long while, and even that required that I pay my H to move out. Combine that with very unfortunate luck with judge assignment and a very vicious lawyer of H, and you get my scenario -- entering YEAR THREE of the most inane and pointless divorce non-negotiations, with literally a dozen attempts at 50-50 splits that were totally inequitable for me (since I have to fund all debt/mortgage/kids alone) and were STILL refused.

I now believe in total compartmentalization of standing. Standing is for your heart, and can include actual reminders that you are standing to H if that helps you stick to it. But for daily life and finances in the case of an abusive live-in MLCer (including financial/emotional abuse), I now believe in total and immediate separation of all domestic ties. E.g., "I do not want to divorce and I do not intend to move on to someone else, but I can't live this way, and need legal separation of all our finances and daily life. If you change your mind about what you want, the door is open. But until that time, I need to be able to run my own life alone." And then total no contact until running is over.

Have you ever noticed that people you knew before eventually reach out to you again -- e.g., old boy/girlfriends or friends or family -- because the memory of you slowly distills and they appreciate who you were? I believe that that will happen with the MLCer if s/he comes out of it, or it won't. You can ruin it by pushing, begging, doing vengeful things, etc. But just by going no contact and protecting yourself? I just don't believe anymore that that will interfere with standing. Your MLCer is going to hate you no matter what you do, until s/he stops hating you on his/her own. I was literally a SAINT while standing -- and my MLCer only became more and more convinced of my evil.

Many here might disagree. But that's what I now believe based on my experience and some of the stories I have read here. I believe that the LBS has to take an honest look at what constitutes abuse. Go to the abuse hotline websites and read the definition. If your sitch includes financial, verbal or emotional abuse, time to separate the act of standing from the act of householding.

[peacetoday]

Hi

Tough when they are living home , but never there

I like what DNJ said about groceries and app and thinking about if you were single, d, or widowed, what would you do?

I would be kind and cordial, like if he wanted an apple and I paid for it
or I baked something...I would share....but treat him as he has asked..
and buy for you
If you know he likes a muffin and you want to have it there..
I think that is kind- but not overdoing anything

They will follow their plan and truthfully there is little to zero many of us can do about the outcome

We do our best- no regrets later-

Most important to take care of you and keep all doors open -see where he lands

I had to separate our joint accounts and get my name off the credit cards
MY XH was spending a lot- and I'm grateful I took action
I Saved myself a lot more pain by doing so-

[peacetoday]

One more thing about communication
Just my opinion

anything you decide to say in a kind way is ok

Think about talking a warm and soft tone.
when you are not angry or triggered-


Validate/appreciate his honesty about wanting to save money
like if he does not eat there or find something that makes sense about the situation

Set your boundary ...maybe something like

It would feel better for me to buy my own food or I would feel more comfortable if we each just bought what we wanted for the week-

then let go

[DnJ]

Good Morning Kind

Gerda has passed on some hard earn wisdom right there.

I didn’t, not for even one minute, have to live with a MLCer. My situation went straight to W moving out and pretty much no contact. Talk about being thrown in the deep end. Sink or swim, I suppose. And for a good while I was drowning.

“I do not want to divorce and I do not intend to move on to someone else, but I can't live this way, and need legal separation of all our finances and daily life. If you change your mind about what you want, the door is open. But until that time, I need to be able to run my own life alone." And then total no contact until running is over.

That is basically where I found myself while still dazed and wondering what the heck happened. Three years later, yes this is a good place to be.

None of us chose how our situations started. We do choose how we progress. Being compassionate amidst all this. Removing the focus from one’s spouse and placing it upon themselves. Ensuring the business side is taken care of while standing for you. And many more, at times hard to hear, choices.

Be patient where you can and protect where you need to.

D

[Sage4]

Hi Kindly,

A gentle question: do you have fear of confronting H about things because there is a small part of you (deeply buried?) that is still trying to 'nice him back'. Is your subconscious telling you to 'keep pleasing! Don't make waves or you will really blow it now!'?

I have been watching myself do this without even knowing it. I thought I was afraid of H's anger. But what I was really afraid of was losing any hope of pleasing H back into his old self. 'Nice-ing' him back wasn't going to work.

It is an exercise in futility and only serves to harm me more.

Does that mean we should be unkind? Less compassionate? Put on our raging-bull-boss-b!tch front and confront H's anger head-on? No. I think it is all about boundaries.

So far, the boundaries I have put into place (which required a huge amount of bravery on my part), resulted in me getting my needs met (because only I was in charge of meeting them!). And it also helped me to understand that I was being kind to both him and myself: he knew where he stood. And I knew I could protect myself.

I am not sure if this will resonate, but your latest posts made me think of the similarities in my sitch.

xx