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Thx peacetoday, I think I’ve read this on your thread and others that they become very irresponsible esp with money. I have already taken my name off of all CC’s, so the only concern is the bills surrounding the house getting paid. They are in his name for business purposes...so I don’t know how I’ll even know until services get cut.

I’m having a horribly emotional night. It’s uncomfortable when he’s home, ignoring and avoiding me at all costs, but not much better with this new behaviour of disappearing. He’s been gone for 5 days, returned for one to do laundry, gone again for 2 and just came home for 5 min then left again late at night.

I know I shouldn’t speculate but I think he’s got another place. But what is worse than the speculating is how my emotions have completely flared up again and taken over tonight. I’ve made myself sick crying for the last 3 hours ...why - I don’t really know.

My neighbour scared me by telling me that some guy was lurking around their house at 1 am and to be careful,..so I’m scared being on my own right now....pls I just had a bunch of household stuff to take care of on my own and just don’t feel like I can keep up anymore.

I’m letting every emotion get the better of me tonight. I feel sad, angry, hurt, scared, abandoned and fed up.

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(((Kindly))) you know how things always seem worse at night, and then in the morning a little better, a little more handle-able? Allow yourself to have all these feelings, but don’t let them run away with you. It’s normal to get overwhelmed sometimes. We spend so much time and energy taking on everything, taking control of our lives, and it can be empowering but also draining and sometimes lonely. It does seem like emotions flare up when we’re entering a new phase of healing or leaving one behind. You’re not alone! You’ve got us, and this neighbor is looking out for you. Maybe he saw H wandering around—ha! Seriously, though, it’s probably nothing. And you can always keep your phone close by. Do you feel comfortable enough with any of your neighbors to exchange phone numbers?

Funnily enough, my H has started disappearing overnight after being home all the time, which I found annoying. It is a little weird to notice he’s now spending nights somewhere else. Who knows what drives them to change patterns, to hide in rooms or avoid the house all together? Focus back on you. You’ll be okay. It’s okay to have a hard night. It will get better. Can you put on a show that makes you happy or listen to a podcast to take your mind off things for a bit?


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Hi

I have felt the same in the past...terrified sometimes in the middle of the night...How can i do this without H?
start over alone
Raise these kids on my own, pay for this house, make a living.......

Allow it, feel it and maybe listen to some strong speakers or positive messengers on u tube
anyone from Michelle to any pastor or religious person to any motivational speaker than resonates with you
Give yourself some I can message...

Truth is we all can do this
We are all doing it and many others have done it already b4 us

You will be ok and probably much better than u can even imagine now-
Hold on-


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It means so much to me to be able to come on her for reassurance, kindness, understanding and advice.

Thx peacetoday and Cardinal. I’m feeling a bit more like myself tonight and would definitely prefer to not go down that path of emotions again, but I do think I’m learning something about myself.

I’m not very nice to myself. I honestly think after becoming overwhelmed with the MLC situation, the epic meltdown was much more a result of me beating myself up for being so upset and coming undone. I feel like a year in with no real changes I should be coasting along fine and living my GAL life smile

At times when I’ve shown emotion to a family member I’m almost always asked “what happened”? And I’m feeling very aware and self conscious that the answer is usually “not much, nothing” or some minor L interaction. I beat myself up because I feel weak.

Most of the time I have no answers as to what triggered me. Am I upset that he’s gone now? Well he’s not nice when he’s here, or ignores me so why should that bother me?

Am I upset that I don’t know where he is? Maybe ...but I’ve been fired and why should I pay that any mind?

I rarely think it’s a pin pointed event and more the exhaustion from the overall situation.

Not sure why my feelings didn’t just wash over me this time. Time to move on and focus on me again. Thx For the reminder Cardinal That sometimes it’s as simple as doing something you enjoy to reenergize and refocus. It is hard when the pattern of behaviour shifts...but it also means I’m paying too much attention again.

You are so right peacetoday...so many people have done it and are doing it and also have so much more responsibility than I do. It’s definitely helpful to push fear aside and embrace change ...just sometimes I want to flip to the “end of the book” ...I want to know how this plays out. I’m not one for suspense,
Originally Posted by peacetoday
Allow it, feel it and maybe listen to some strong speakers or positive messengers on u tube
anyone from Michelle to any pastor or religious person to any motivational speaker than resonates with you
Give yourself some I can message...

I would like that peacetoday- maybe somewhere to start if you have a motivational speaker recommend?

I will hold on and move past this next episode and whatever it holds.

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Originally Posted by Kindly
At times when I’ve shown emotion to a family member I’m almost always asked “what happened”? And I’m feeling very aware and self conscious that the answer is usually “not much, nothing” or some minor L interaction. I beat myself up because I feel weak.

Most of the time I have no answers as to what triggered me. Am I upset that he’s gone now? Well he’s not nice when he’s here, or ignores me so why should that bother me?

Am I upset that I don’t know where he is? Maybe ...but I’ve been fired and why should I pay that any mind?

I rarely think it’s a pin pointed event and more the exhaustion from the overall situation.


Do you have someone who you can confide to? When I first told a selected few about my sitch, it was liberating. Then as time went on I felt more ready and comfortable with telling a few more people....and slowly I felt like more weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I still feel melancholy at times. My advice for you is to find lots of distractions for yourself. For me it was starting a new business, going to the gym, little projects around the house.

We all have our weak moments, but that does not mean we are weak. Allow yourself to process these emotions when they hit, but also find enough distractions so that these emotional waves don't hit too often. wink ((hugs))


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Hi Kindly. Just want to lend you my support and reassure you that is DOES get better with time. I am now two years post BD and if you had told me then that I would be living the life I am living now, I would have said you were crazy. I remember all too well those sleepless nights...the worries and feelings of abandonment. Like others have said, allow yourself those feelings...just try not to ruminate on them. Having others to talk to is very helpful. I found that as soon as I started talking with people about my situation, I started to hear a lot of stories and experiences of others that helped me to feel not so alone. I remember forcing myself to go to a staff Christmas party about four months post BD and it was the best thing I could have done. Not only did I have a good time, but I also sat next to someone whose H had left her a few weeks before with no warning. I think our conversation was comforting to both of us.

Re: your H having somewhere else to go. More than likely it is also someone else. I hate to say it but from what I have observed by being on this site is that men rarely leave their marriages unless they have a replacement. That was certainly the case in my sitch although my XH swore on our children’s lives that it wasn’t. I believed him for awhile because of that. Then I realized that some people think nothing of making statements like that if they think it will help them get away with their lies. I eventually learned to pay more attention to what he did as opposed to what he said and that made moving on a whole lot easier. (((HUGS)))

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Thank you dejavu and wooba for your support and also reassurance that it does get better. Talking to a close friend is exactly what got me over this latest bump.

I am so fortunate to have a small loving circle of friends that are completely, unconditionally there for me. I’ve never been one to “need the help”...so I’m learning to allow people to be there for me when I’m low.

And then this site - it’s been priceless...the giving people on here...a community of people that only know each other through the words and pain of a confusing situation. It’s like an extended family...one that “fully gets it”. I’m grateful.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Re: your H having somewhere else to go. More than likely it is also someone else. I hate to say it but from what I have observed by being on this site is that men rarely leave their marriages unless they have a replacement.

I agree dejavu - his behaviour became darker and more distant. And then came “the parking of his toothbrush elsewhere“!!! Lol. Not funny but if you don’t laugh ....over the last two weeks or so he’s flown in for minutes to be gone again. I don’t even know what he’s coming back for right now. I have not entered his close door room in months so for all I know it’s completely cleared out.

Bringing the focus back to me. It’s been 2 weeks since Hs L threatened court and radio silence again. One week since I didn’t respond to Hs email about his agent and selling the house again ...radio silence, not a word spoken between us in prob a month. And then the missing toothbrush. Do I want to know where he is? Would that settle my mind or flare it up worse? Recon mission or continue to ignore...?

I am focusing on all my hobbies, getting out for hikes, doing very well at work and added extreme home maintenance to my list, learning to care for bigger things that I’ve never had to do before. Also, with the colder temps coming I have a LOT of work to do outside...I’m getting started now as I expect zero help.

While on Sage4’s site this made me think....

Originally Posted by Sage4

Originally Posted by DnJ
Kind and cordial is not an act. And neither is compassionate.


My mantra for the day. Thank you D!

I like this as a mantra too, however it’s feeling fake to me (me being kind and cordial) I feel like kind, cordial and compassion are deeply buried and have no opportunity to shine as H continues to treat me like a ghost. It’s there because I’m not holding onto hate...but then I realized maybe it’s not for H ....it’s for me right now.

I can show endless amounts of compassion toward or for someone else, but not myself.
I’m as kind as I can be always towards others, but not myself.

This has to change now! I remember Dnj saying our ‘self’ is always listening...I will work on changing the dialogue my self is hearing.

Other than that I’ll keep on keeping on. (((Free Hugs)))

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(((K)))

Sometimes WE judge ourselves the hardest.
Awareness is everything , so we can begin to change

None of this was your fault and I believe we all do the best we can where we are
I had to work on me and let XH go to work on himself





Hang in there


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Kindly, I have to say that you sound so solid right now. I know that the moments when we write on this board and feel the love and support that comes from everyone's kind words, that we might project a stronger version of ourselves than we feel inside, but I just wanted to point out how quickly you went from this:

Originally Posted by Kindly
I agree dejavu - his behaviour became darker and more distant. And then came “the parking of his toothbrush elsewhere“!!! Lol. Not funny but if you don’t laugh ....over the last two weeks or so he’s flown in for minutes to be gone again. I don’t even know what he’s coming back for right now. I have not entered his close door room in months so for all I know it’s completely cleared out.

Bringing the focus back to me. It’s been 2 weeks since Hs L threatened court and radio silence again. One week since I didn’t respond to Hs email about his agent and selling the house again ...radio silence, not a word spoken between us in prob a month. And then the missing toothbrush. Do I want to know where he is? Would that settle my mind or flare it up worse? Recon mission or continue to ignore...?


...a very triggering situation that likely brings you a lot of pain and suffering. Which I may have been guilty of spending waay more time than you did ruminating over; you immediately jump into this:

Originally Posted by Kindly
I am focusing on all my hobbies, getting out for hikes, doing very well at work and added extreme home maintenance to my list, learning to care for bigger things that I’ve never had to do before.


You are doing a great job of self-soothing! Which is a great step to compassion for self. That for every negative interaction (H ghosting you, the threatening L), you immediately thought of the positive ones that you are executing in your life. For YOURSELF. Yes, queen. This is the path to liberation. You are further along than you think.

I am grateful for your kind words of solidarity on my thread. I see you, sister.

(((Kindly)))

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Hello Kind

Originally Posted by Sage4

Originally Posted by DnJ

Kind and cordial is not an act. And neither is compassionate.


My mantra for the day. Thank you D!


Originally Posted by Kindly
I like this as a mantra too, however it’s feeling fake to me (me being kind and cordial) I feel like kind, cordial and compassion are deeply buried and have no opportunity to shine as H continues to treat me like a ghost. It’s there because I’m not holding onto hate...but then I realized maybe it’s not for H ....it’s for me right now.

I can show endless amounts of compassion toward or for someone else, but not myself.
I’m as kind as I can be always towards others, but not myself.

It’s ok if kind and cordial “feels” fake. Feelings change.

It is not an act. You do demonstrate and live kindness and compassion, albeit mostly towards others. Perfectly normal, as we do tend to be our own harshest critic.

Your feelings for H are entering indifference, and therefore will seem and feel fake. Indifference is a strange landscape with other feelings appearing larger than they actually are when held against the void of feelings towards H. This is temporary, your feelings will and do return. Embrace this indifference and discover your values and beliefs without all the noise and distraction of H.

Find your beliefs. Strengthen and craft those you like, and alter or discard those you don’t.

And yes, our ‘self’ is always listening. Speak well the dialog you are telling yourself. It is not an act!

Be kind and compassionate towards yourself, she’s a pretty awesome gal who has been through a lot. Believe it.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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