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Honestly - the midlife WAS is almost always about THEIR issues, not ours. It seems odd, because surely many people leave their spouses for good reasons - but those spouses don't seem to end up here, doing the work, and their departing spouses wouldn't necessarily look like the ones we see here.

My ex had no legitimate reason to be dissatisfied with our life. He had a great job, we had a lovely house with an ocean view, no debt besides a moderate mortgage, 3 great if different kids, he had a loving wife, good sex life even after 26 years together. Nothing was perfect but life isn't perfect. His complaints about me really were just excuses to justify leaving. (How do I know that? Because one of his complaints was that I "walk too heavy" and that I had "taught our child to walk too heavy" lol. The more absurd the complaint, the more clear it is that this is about them, not you.

In retrospect, he had a pattern of dissatisfaction with other aspects of his life before he turned it on me. He was always looking for the next big thing to give him a "boost". I now see he's a narcissist too so any of our imperfections were intolerable to him because we didn't make him "look good".

Still - that being said - this process is an excellent opportunity to do self reflection, to make ourselves into a better version of who we are, to embrace change and even adventure in our lives. We ALL can become better and this crucible of change is a great place to do that.

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Originally Posted by kml

My ex had no legitimate reason to be dissatisfied with our life. He had a great job, we had a lovely house with an ocean view, no debt besides a moderate mortgage, 3 great if different kids, he had a loving wife, good sex life even after 26 years together. Nothing was perfect but life isn't perfect. His complaints about me really were just excuses to justify
Still - that being said - this process is an excellent opportunity to do self reflection, to make ourselves into a better version of who we are, to embrace change and even adventure in our lives. We ALL can become better and this crucible of change is a great place to do that.

yes. i was married to his immature East Coast twin, apparently.

A grateful heart won't treat those they allegedly love(d) so callously.

Best to focus on the changes we want to manifest in OURselves and OUR lives rather than the unanswerable rathole and festering misery of MLC.

If, by some miracle, the MLCr gets their head out of their @$$ and does the work, perhaps coming back into the fold, ok. If not, you still have yourself, and a much improved version at that. Win Win. Capisce?

Last edited by bttrfly; 09/03/20 11:41 PM.

M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted by kml
Still - that being said - this process is an excellent opportunity to do self reflection, to make ourselves into a better version of who we are, to embrace change and even adventure in our lives. We ALL can become better and this crucible of change is a great place to do that.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
A grateful heart won't treat those they allegedly love(d) so callously.

Best to focus on the changes we want to manifest in OURselves and OUR lives rather than the unanswerable rathole and festering misery of MLC.

If, by some miracle, the MLCr gets their head out of their @$$ and does the work, perhaps coming back into the fold, ok. If not, you still have yourself, and a much improved version at that. Win Win. Capisce?

Thank you Kml and bttrfly!

Since some of the fear, panic and confusion has lifted I am finding that I am able to focus on me a lot more than I was able to after BD and over the ensuing half a year or so. I’ve had a few fun adventures already and look forward to many more. As bttrfly said, with or without H. Change has always been something I feared and I’m slowly learning that I can embrace it and be ok...especially with the mindset of “making things better”.

Bttrfly - “rathole and festering misery of MLC” - this made me laugh. Thanks for that. Sad it’s true...but well written.

“Grateful” - what an important and magical word. Wish more people infused this into their spirit, souls and lives. My gosh the positive change we would see.

Xoxo

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I truly think I need to get through the immediate next stage of proper separation...H is lost and either dragging his feet or simply ignoring what he has to do next. Which brings me to my update:

Another session of verbal spewing accusing me of holding things up for the sale of the house. I told him to talk to his lawyer as documents are missing and walked away.

Contact is made - his L informing my lawyer that they will be bringing a motion to a judge to order the sale of the house!!! What the hey diddly dogs!!!! Ummm how is that possible?

Of course I temporarily lost my mind until speaking with my L to find out that yes they can do that but apparently without a SA or proper FD no judge would warrant that as it would mess me up for getting a mortgage etc...As it would for him too!!!!

I’m so confused ...why would his L even entertain sending that? Is it supposed to be an intimidation tactic???

Anyway it’s working to cause fear in me again because my L suggested we “call their bluff” While she once again asks for the documents that are missing from his FD...They gave us a deadline of last Friday for filing for the motion and my L won’t be sending anything until today. I don’t think she likes being “bullied”.

Last night before going to bed I check my email and there’s a message from H stating that HIS agent, that he’s been working with for a long time, says he will do all he can to get us the highest price and that we should list soon.

I know many people on here say listen when the Mlcr talks because they give hints as to what they want. He has consistently wanted to sell the house. Blindly ignoring the steps involved to get there. Why would I “give into this”?

I was thinking about responding to his message stating something about how “I tried to explain to you last time you verbally attacked me that your paperwork is not complete and talk to your lawyer.“

Does that sound ok? I want the “record of verbal abuse” and the record that I’m not the one holding any process up...
Is there anything else I should/say? Is saying nothing better?

Dnj - you mentioned in a post before about letting the pro do their job and I feel like that’s where I’m at right now....this is her area of expertise and I’m paying her to look after my best interests.

I would be grateful for any insight /guidance.

Xo

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Kindly,

I wouldn't contact your h again and try to rationalize with him. Try to remember that you can't rationalize w/an angry, emotional person. The best thing to do is to allow your lawyer to do the work for you. Papers are missing, so allow him/her to work w/his lawyer.

As for his lawyer bringing a motion to court for the sale of the house....well, that's all come about because your h is demanding that it be done. Never mind that his lawyer probably knows that this won't come about...but money talks and trust me, that lawyer knows what he/she is dealing with.

When we say to listen to the MLCer that means in normal situations...when it comes to divorce and settling up everything, you need to listen to yourself, not him. You have to protect yourself and yes, they will promise you the moon and give you nothing but grief when it comes to actually settling up the property, etc. What you are dealing w/at the moment is a business deal that has gone terribly bad and you have to think like a business partner and protect yourself, your assets, etc. He will say anything, and I do mean anything, to get you to jump through hoops and give him what he wants.

I don't know where you live, but when I went through this, I lived in the home and the house issue was not settled until the divorce was signed, sealed and granted. I have 60 days to either refinance or sell in order to give him his share of the equity. I was lucky that my parents loaned me the little bit I needed to buy him out while waiting for the refinancing to go through. My xh just knew that 60 days wouldn't be enough to turn it around and all he saw was $$$ and he didn't give a fig if I were left living on the streets.

What your h is doing is trying to bully and scare you into doing something you aren't ready to do and he doesn't want to listen to the lawyers. Work w/your lawyer. Trust me, by doing so is well worth the money and allow that person to take the brunt of all of your h's nonsense. Do not allow your h to get to you. Continue to refer him to your lawyer. Do not try to reason w/him because that will make him even madder and more irrational.

Keep the focus on you and put that business hat on. Listen to your lawyer, not your h or his lawyer.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thx Job,
This is super helpful and I realize it’s all info I should already know.

I think I have shifted from trying to “rationalizing” with him to more so documenting certain things if this ends up in court or escalates to him accusing me of stalling or road blocking him. Maybe documenting none of this matters but as of right now he always “ gets me” in person and I’ve responded as best I can, calmly and factually. I have finally realized that there is no point in trying to explain my side, opinion or rationalize anything...he simply doesn’t get it and only sees things his way.

With this email he sent Yesterday, I have the opportunity to get down in writing that he is not being forthcoming with documents, and that he is also verbally harassing me.

Part of me feels like if I don’t respond to the bully email about the house, he will just verbally attack me again. I guess in reality as I write this, even if I do respond to the email, he’ll probably still attack me for accusing him of being verbally abusive and not having his paperwork done. Ha!!

I guess I‘m just weighing my options for the next encounter. He will be waiting for an answer but I guess once he approached me I could just say “I have nothing else to tell you that I haven’t already ....speak to your lawyer.“ And then disengage and not let him push any buttons that make me want to educate him.

Living with this mean, disrespectful, ungrateful person is so far from who he [/s]is[s]was...I just can’t believe a year into this, what he’s become.

Thx so much Job for the reminder to put my business hat on and keep the focus on me.

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I would trust the L

Im sure you picked a good one, and yes I believe if he is withholding information and certain documents
Your L will be best to advise you


From my experience, MY xh pulled a lot of tricks during D
He tried not to pay the mediator and almost wound up in jail for it
He did not want to pay the price for his freedom
He did not care about his 2 kids or my well being

I was a stay at home mom until D an had no income

A good L will navigate this with you, and they will also pull the plug when there is nothing more they can do
like they will tell you give up on this issue or that one

In my case, I was fighting for full full custody, as I didn t trust Him or his 28 year old affair partner to treat my kids
well-..I was not going to get full custody, but it turned out that xh left the area anyway and gave up everything in the end

stick with your plan..
Do your best to be kind and fair--then let go

The M is now over and the D is business only


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Kindly, I'm always paying attention here and trying to learn. I feel like you're a few steps ahead of me with the L hijinks, and though I pray somehow I/H and I will be able to come to a settlement without Ls (even as I would have a L available to consult on any agreement)... that is ultimately not up to me. It's going to be up to H and how unreasonable he is compelled to be, for the most part. I think you're handling all of this so well--it's so wonderful to be able to come here and get advice, isn't it?

Originally Posted by Kindly
I guess I‘m just weighing my options for the next encounter. He will be waiting for an answer but I guess once he approached me I could just say “I have nothing else to tell you that I haven’t already ....speak to your lawyer.“ And then disengage and not let him push any buttons that make me want to educate him.


This seems like the right move to me. As you said, there's no point in trying to rationalize with him, and any rational answer you try to give, even if it's pointing out, again, that he's missing paperwork, well, it's not going to make sense to him, probably. Disengaging as quickly as possible seems best for you and for the situation.


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Originally Posted by peacetoday
stick with your plan..
Do your best to be kind and fair--then let go

The M is now over and the D is business only

Thx peacetoday - I always tell myself to stay calm and stick with the plan. Sometimes the plan is clear, other times really muddy! It’s always so upsetting and discouraging to me when I read about the damage an Mclr can do...especially financially.

Nice to hear from you too Cardinal and I’m still following along. Yes it absolutely is wonderful to be able to come here and get advice or a compassionate ear.

Update ~ H has been gone since Friday...very unusual and I have no idea where. The main concern this brings up is house bills all being in his name. Has anyone had any experience with being in the house still and bills not getting paid? This hasn’t happened yet but I’m just thinking ahead. If it happens, I’m pretty sure my only course of action will be to involve my L.

Other than that I’m just doing my best to navigate the feelings of seemingly being discarded and ignored so harshly. This past week has not been my best...but I’ll turn it around again. The emotions always seem to flare up with changes in the situation which means I’m still paying it too much mind.

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Kindly,

There are a lot of twists and turns in dealing with a MLCer
Them taking off and not being available is one
overspending another

I always kept an eye on the bills and the credit cards, until I took my name off the card, when I saw he was overspending

My XH racked up a lot of debt for himself..

My name was off everything, so I was not liable

Just be watchful over the money and bills
and you will know when you need to include L

Truthfully, this area needs to be carefully watched


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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