Journey of me and H Part 1

[DnJ]

Hello PLC

Yes, you will find acceptance, peace, with your situation and whatever the outcome may be. And much much more.

Peace, understanding, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, joy, happiness. Concepts and ideals so far from one’s view after bomb drop. You will find your way to them.

This is an incredible journey we LBS are thrust upon. No one would ever ask for this, yet most everyone who has travelled this road would not give up their journey. It is that much a blessing!

D

[PLC]

Journaling,
A nice Saturday, not as much smoke and it is not too hot.

I did a deep clean of the kitchen and am continuing to clean other rooms today. I have some items that will be packed away for our D25 for her use when she gets to move out. I am also sorting papers to purge and others to file.

He woke up today and began to clean out the bedroom! He had stored stuff in there instead of putting it away for at least a year, a bicycle, skateboard, magazines clothes etc. he is putting it all in the garage. I don’t know why and I don’t care. I’m happy.

PLC

[Gerda]

PLC, could you come over here and deep clean my kitchen and purge all my papers -- esp all the divorce papers -- when you finish up at your place? I'll cook dinner!

: )

[PLC]

Heck yes Gerda!

I find when I have too much in life to deal with purging items helps me gain a little control. Now it’s control over “stuff” but a clean room helps me see clearer. (Plus who doesn’t like a clean room?)

Today, H continues with cleaning. He was outside hosing off the lawn when I left. He used to say that was his meditation time. I doubt he is that deep today, but I do appreciate that he is out of the cave and actually walking around us.

Just tell me what to bring for dinner and I will be there!

PLC

[PLC]

H just came in and asked if I needed gas in my car????

MLC continues to confuse...

[PLC]

Journaling-

So H is still living in D25's bedroom. As far as I can tell, he and OW2 are still together.

He still leaves at different times and does not tell anyone where he is going or when he may return at least 80% of the time.

This is where the journaling is regarding something different:

I looked back at our marriage and we did not have any screaming arguments. We still have not had any. During our marriage, H would have a surge of anger but he would explode and that would be it. I would avoid.

It seems that that is the pace for this MLC. No conflict. He is just coasting in and out.

I have had in the last week or so, glimpses of the old H; willing to get gas, get the car washed, cleaning up the room he's in. I also, after the second BD in July, stopped doing any laundry of his and the hamper was packed to the top with his stuff. He would wash what he needed and keep the hamper full of other items he wasn't wearing. Today, he began doing laundry from the hamper. This past weekend, i mentioned a few posts prior, he emptied all of the clutter out of the bedroom and made it more livable.

Sometimes I wonder, what if he is doing this because he has a plan to leave and realizes he needs to make less of a mess? Like, " I am leaving her let's not leave more of a mess." Then to counterpoint, I wonder if he is cleaning up because he wants to clean things up for me to eventually return, yet I know OW is around.

I know that I need to focus on me, and I am usually good at that, but sometimes I wonder if he has an inkling about anything about this sitch. He will speak with me, ask follow up questions next time we cross paths.

IT is frustrating.

[may22]

Oh PLC. It is so, so frustrating. WTF is wrong with him?

I'm sorry, I know I'm not living this exemplar but when I read your last post all I could think of was this fantasy of walking away from it all. Just ditching all his crap and not worrying about his plan or whatever. Just getting rid of him and his BS in your life and moving on, clean and fresh and unpolluted by all the BS he has brought down on your life. No more parsing of the random kindness or gas filling or cleaning up. Just.... you. and whatever you want and need.

xoxo M thinking of you.

[PLC]

Hi May,

Thank you. This is frustrating and as my daughter would say, “ SO annoying”.

I have really been treating him as a roommate, I am standing. When I GAL, I will see a little reaction, I know it’s working, it’s just not an overt reaction. Obviously, this is not a quick fix, but I can’t GAL all day everyday when I have a job and responsibilities.

I think about how my life would be with a divorce, how the house would be and even today I was thinking, when I come home for lunch sometimes he’s there. Would I come home and not wonder if he’s going to be there or would I even wonder what he was doing. It’s weird.

I miss the good times as we all do, I appreciate he’s not a screaming jerk, but it makes it even harder BECAUSE he is nice enough.

Thank you!

[DnJ]

Good Morning PLC

Your H’s behaviour is new, yes? He before would not just leave 80% of the time without telling anyone where he was going or what he was doing, right?

He is emotionally troubled. Lost. Confused. Desperate. In crisis.

It is difficult to realize the irrationality driving his behaviour and decisions. Almost everything he does is based upon how he feels.

I looked back at our marriage and we did not have any screaming arguments. We still have not had any. During our marriage, H would have a surge of anger but he would explode and that would be it. I would avoid.

This may be something to consider changing if (hopefully when) H turns back. A new R will be crafted, and you have many more tools within your toolbox now. This of course is a long ways off; be patient.

It seems that that is the pace for this MLC. No conflict. He is just coasting in and out.

Some MLCers burn white hot and are so very angry, others coast along. It’s ok. One needs to be calm to hear their inner voice(s). Angry MLCers, those screaming jerks, don’t have as much opportunity to hear. Let’s hope H is listening during these moments of clarity.

I wonder if he has an inkling about anything about this sitch. He will speak with me, ask follow up questions next time we cross paths.

They do realize their lives, their mess, when they are calm and not running. H is showing some calmness, some moments of clarity. Showing a bit of his old self. It’s very important you do not crush him. Demanded answers or explanations or so forth, will have that timid scared squirrel running in the opposite direction.

This is a long road! Be patient and then dig for more. Remember this is a marathon.

H is still very much in two worlds. Very much confused. He will be desperate to find a blame for all this, you don’t want to make that you. Time and space, roommate, GAL, all allow the MLCer to see that the LBS is not the source of their torment.

Note: MLCer’s look for a blame, not a reason for their pain. LBS Look for reason. Seeing accurately helps when living/dealing with an irrational person. You cannot reason with H, not yet.

I have really been treating him as a roommate, I am standing. When I GAL, I will see a little reaction, I know it’s working, it’s just not an overt reaction.

Good. Continue, treat him as a roommate.

A live-in MLCer is difficult, for they are there. However, one can see the MLCer’s behaviour and they can see your light shinning. Everything has a positive and negative to it.

You are doing very well.

D

[peacetoday]

HI

Its hard to read between the lines of a mlcer

After my XH moved out there were a lot of mixed messages
He would talk, He would fix stuff around the house, He would bring stuff over that I needed-
He took the kids a lot at first, In fact it seemed like he was more present than while he lived here after Bomb
then he would disappear, not show up, be shut down ect....

You are holding steady and working on you
doing great taking care of yourself and dealing with a very painful situation

Truth is you will not know the final outcome until enough time has passed
Thats the hard part
Patience, waiting, uncertainty and then more patience

I have heard that A MLCer at home may have a better chance of reconciliation
hang in there!