Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
W
wooba Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
Thank you DnJ for all the suggestions. my latest challenge in the world of boys was S11 coming home asking me, "My friend said this word today at school....."orgasm"....what does it mean??" few weeks ago it was "porn." I was not ready to start sex ed this early, but apparently kids these days come into contact with this type of stuff a lot earlier than we did.

H called today to tell me that he's moving to a new apartment. He's moving in this weekend, and said "once it's ready, you and the boys can come visit." Then I asked if he wants to speak to the kids. He said sure. I put him on speaker phone as he's speaking to the kids. He sounded okay, clear-minded, normal. Then when he was talking to S11, S11 told him he joined the model UN club at school, and H was like "yeah I know all about model UN, I will help you with whatever you need. It's like cheating, you have a lawyer as a dad. your friends don't, that's sad. haha." I was like wtf is this I'm hearing??

After the call I sat with my feelings a little bit, debating whether I should address that to the boys. Eventually I did. I told the kids that I thought what dad said was a little mean. I told them that your profession does not define you. They can be proud to have a lawyer dad, but it does not make them better than anyone else. There's nothing "sad" about it.

That was not badmouthing their dad right?

Anyways. I think whatever crisis H is in is multifaceted. Childhood trauma, FOO issues, identity crisis, alcoholism, depression....etc all tied together. He constantly has to boost his own ego. He thinks his field of law is superior to all others. He refused to take a lower paying job even though he hates his current job. everyone he works with is an idiot. the list goes on and on......how messed up.

Well guys, it's been a year. I've come a long way. A year go my world fell apart, and I was living in so much fear. I never imagined that I would be where I am today. the road ahead is still full of uncertainty, and I of course still have all those feelings sometimes - fear, anxiety, nervousness....but they do not rule over me. I feel incredibly blessed each day to have friends and family behind me, my three rascals next to me, and me - my imperfect, incredibly strong, amazing self working so hard for ME.

Lastly, thanks to the people here on this forum for all the wisdom and for telling stories that are even crazier than mine. wink


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Quote
He constantly has to boost his own ego. He thinks his field of law is superior to all others. He refused to take a lower paying job even though he hates his current job. everyone he works with is an idiot. the list goes on and on.


Sounds like an insecure narcissist. My ex was a bit like that. This type of narcissist isn't because they think they're so great but because they secretly fear they are not. So they feed off the approval and adulation of others, care desperately how they appear to others, care for you only if you make them "look good".

Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Originally Posted by Wooba
Well guys, it's been a year. I've come a long way. A year go my world fell apart, and I was living in so much fear. I never imagined that I would be where I am today. the road ahead is still full of uncertainty, and I of course still have all those feelings sometimes - fear, anxiety, nervousness....but they do not rule over me. I feel incredibly blessed each day to have friends and family behind me, my three rascals next to me, and me - my imperfect, incredibly strong, amazing self working so hard for ME.

Oh Wooba, what a great post. I'm so happy for you. You sound so strong and secure and healthy and GOOD. Reading this is the first time I've wish I'd just booted H to the curb the first time around... it has also been a year for me, just over a year since H told me about his "emotional connection" to someone else, and here I am basically in the same boat I was a year ago.

I don't think you're throwing H under the bus by identifying when he says things that aren't OK. If you were together and he said that, you would have called him out, right? You don't want your kids thinking that is OK. You might also ask them to think about how someone whose dad was not a lawyer might feel if they heard him say that. It is good to be proud of yourself and proud of what you do, but it isn't okay to make other people feel bad.

You're doing so well-- it is a great example for the rest of us. xoxo


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
Originally Posted by wooba
Well guys, it's been a year. I've come a long way. A year ago my world fell apart, and I was living in so much fear. I never imagined that I would be where I am today. the road ahead is still full of uncertainty, and I of course still have all those feelings sometimes - fear, anxiety, nervousness....but they do not rule over me.

You are doing very well wooba!

It’s amazing how a full year can feel so long yet so short at the same time. BD seems like yesterday, but I can’t believe it’s been a long year and I too feel like may22 regarding sitting in the same boat.

I love your above quote because as much as mine and many others situations feel like they’ve gone nowhere ....we have.

Like you, I can’t believe where I was and how far I’ve come with very little progress or movement from H. I didn’t think I would be able to feel “normal” again, or get through a day without a breakdown of some sort. Yet here we are, thanks to so many on this site, leaving the pieces where they lay and dusting ourselves off to make a better us!

Great stuff wooba!!

Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
Yay, wooba! A year--a long way. I don't even know if a year post-BD is the same measurement as a year in any other sense. It's good to read that even though the fear, anxiety, nerves are still there sometimes, they don't overrule you. Thanks for the support and empathy you've shared with me over the last year!


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
W
wooba Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
H told me he moved to a new apartment. Gave me his address (!!!). It's right by a gym and a grocery store. "That's convenient!" I commented. We have a school event this Saturday. H told me he would come over first and we'll go together. I spent few seconds contemplating why. Does he want to keep up the front to others that we're still together? We haven't been in the car together since....March? Strange, but oh well. I agreed to it, because I really don't care one way or the other.

Lately I've been thinking about my next "move." But often times I find myself back to square one, reminding myself of the "illusion of action." What little interaction we have with each other is mostly limited to finances and kids' scheduling. But even then I find it too much. If I could, I would rather not have any contact at all. I feel like any mental capacity I spend thinking about issues related to him is a waste of my time and energy (here I am doing more of it).

Financially, I am at his mercy every month since July. I would ask him to transfer funds, and I would have to wait and wait and wait to see whether he would. This does not feel good. But the alternative is I file for D and get very little under the law here. So I'm trying suck it up and see how things play out (still no d papers from him).

My weekend tutor job resumed, so every Sunday H would come over to watch the kids when I leave the house. It's less hassle for me when I don't have to drop the kids off with him (not that he offered anyway), but it bugs me a little. I'm accepting this status quo because I think once a week it gives the children an opportunity to see their dad in a controlled environment. But this feels like crossing a boundary to me. H still has access to my house. coming and going as he pleases. I feel like I'm being too nice to him by allowing this arrangement.

Anyways, so I took a step today to let my agent know that I'm in the market for another place. Hopefully I can find somewhere that is closer to school and less expensive than my current rental. Realistically, I need to prepare to cut my expenses as if I'm getting minimal support from H. And with a new place, I will not hand a key to H.

I'm also thinking ahead about the holidays. Would I want H to put up the tree in my house for the kids' sake? (that's always been his job) How are we going to do the separating holidays thing? I'm thinking about asking him to take all the boxes for the tree. He can put it up in his place. Thinking about this stuff brings me some anxiety.

Lastly, I do still think about how fortunate I am regardless of all this bs with H. In my home state people are either fleeing from wildfires or stuck at home due to covid. People around the world are fighting to live a decent life. or just a life, period. Keeping things in perspective brings me some peace.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
W
wooba Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
S10 told me that when they went out to have lunch with H yesterday, S10 asked dad about the whole money situation - "why did you shut down mom's access to your bank account?" and apparently H got super mad and commented "why did she tell you that" etc.

I would like to think that I'm trying very hard not to say anything bad about their father in front of them. The back story on that was I have to work sometimes at home now, and the boys see it too. Before I was able to give them my attention almost 100%, whereas now it's definitely different.

so one day, the convo went something like this -

S: "Why do you need to work now?"
Me: "I need to make money!"
S: "Why? Isn't dad making money?"
Me: "Yes, he is. But I can't rely on him anymore."
S: "Why? Is he not giving you any money?"
Me: explaining the whole I had access to H's account but that's no longer the case thing
S just responded with a confused face.

Anyway, so I'm sort of expecting at some point H's going to raise h*ll over this issue on me again. How should I respond? Do I even need to explain the back story to him? Or just not engage because I don't owe him an explanation?
Do I still need to validate at this point? "I'm sorry you feel that way, I did not tell them about it to hurt you."

I was thinking about something like "it's the truth. But I didn't tell them to hurt you. There are plenty of other truths I could tell the boys but I have chosen not to. I didn't tell them that you're an alcoholic. I didn't tell them that you refused to talk to my parents. I didn't tell them that others have seen you with another woman."

S10 actually asked me that one day, "Do you think dad is dating someone else?"
I told him I have no idea. Dad is an adult, I cannot control his behavior, and whatever he does he will have to be responsible for it.



Last edited by job; 09/20/20 02:24 PM. Reason: edited language

BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Hi, Wooba. Don't get to the point of having a conversation with him where he can comment on what you do or don't say about him. Just write everything down in case you need it for court.

If you really had to say something, I would just say, "That's not what happened but there is no need to talk about it. The boys just see that I have to work now. Sorry but I have to run and make dinner."

You are still thinking that you should justify yourself or explain yourself.

You could just as easily tell your H, "I just flew here from Venus," as explain the truth and he'd still have the exact same awful idea about you. Just think of him as a talking doll. Wait for the doll to shut off.

(Your real H may still exist somewhere inside the talking doll. I am not saying he won't ever come back, I don't know your sitch. But he's not here now and you can't talk to him right now, he is locked in there somewhere. So don't get confused by what the doll says just because the doll looks like your H and expects you to respond to his ranting.)

Last edited by Gerda; 09/20/20 03:34 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,644
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,644
Likes: 472
Hello wooba

S10’s question to Dad was right on point. Children are rather direct, and can see through more than we give them credit for at times.

When discussing this situation with your inquisitive sons remember to answer their questions and keep editorializing to a minimum and to the point being discussed. Of course the are times and situations you will need to expand upon this.

S: "Why do you need to work now?"
Me: "I need to make money!"
S: "Why? Isn't dad making money?"
Me: "Yes, he is. But I can't rely on him anymore."

No need for anything after “but”. S10 isn’t asking about Dad’s reliability. Son most likely would have, which then you could explore, with him leading.

S: "Why? Is he not giving you any money?"
Me: Dad has bills at his place, and he and I are now managing our finances differently.

This gives an answer, provides assurance that things are and will continue to be paid for, and does not bring into question from son’s point of view his parents’ abilities to provide or be there for him. His questions and view is about his world, not your’s.

As for H’s getting mad and possibly blowing up. “H, yes, I am sorry about that. Son was asking why we earn money and separate accounts came up. He is just a bright and inquisitive boy is all.”

If H gives you any static about you shouldn’t talk about stuff. You tell him “I do not, and will not, lie to the children. Our sons have hearts and minds of their own and are pretty darn aware of what is going on.”

Originally Posted by wooba
S10 actually asked me that one day, "Do you think dad is dating someone else?"
I told him I have no idea. Dad is an adult, I cannot control his behavior, and whatever he does he will have to be responsible for it.

That is a very good answer, with an excellent moral explanation and lesson included. Age appropriate too, in case you were wondering. Well done!

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
W
wooba Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 586
Originally Posted by Gerda
If you really had to say something, I would just say, "That's not what happened but there is no need to talk about it. The boys just see that I have to work now. Sorry but I have to run and make dinner."

This is really helpful, thank you. I had this in my back pocket yesterday in case H was going to bring it up (so far our arrangement has been that he comes here once a week to watch the kids for 2 hours when I go tutor). But he actually waited until later to write me an email about it.

H wrote that it was unnecessary to tell the kids about the account situation and I was stressing our boys out. Wow. I really just wanted to fire back and said WHO do YOU think is causing all this stress???

And last week when H was here, he told me that we should speak to the kids together about our situation. I said what about it? What do you want to say? He said, just talking to them about our separation...I said, I don't think it's necessary. We already did that. (of course, this is the memory black out part he does not remember whenever I bring it up) But if you insist on having a conversation with them together again, I will participate.

In the same email, he wrote that "You seemed not to care, because you've already told them as you said. But I'd like to still talk to them together."

I don't mind doing it, but I seriously don't know what the point is. I told the boys about H's suggestion and asked if they would like that, and they said no. lol. I'm a bit hesitant, as we are obviously not a team anymore and I wouldn't want to sit through a conversation knowing that he may bring up things I do not agree with, and I would probably challenge him in front of the children.

DnJ, thank you for all the suggestions. I think at the time when I was explaining it to S10, I definitely let some of the frustration over money with H affect how I answered him. I'm constantly trying to strike a balance between telling the truth and not ruining H's image for the kids' sake. I don't want to keep H's secrets for him. And I want to let my sons know what kind of behavior is acceptable and what is not right (ex: H calling the waiter stupid in front of the children). This has not been easy....


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
Page 4 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard