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A Message from Michele
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Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905215
10/07/20 06:01 PM
10/07/20 06:01 PM
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Gigi123 Offline
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I would wait for someone more experienced to comment on your conversation, but i would say you did the right thing. You are finally standing up for yourself and your kids. He will have to work really hard to get you back! He seems rather unstable, he needs to sort his life out.

Money wise and this has worked for us so far. Lets say all bills and mortgage come to 1500 a month, he pays 1300 and i pay the rest and cover food costs for me and the boys. This is just what we have agreed for now. If you can agree without solicitors advice for now then do so.

I think you are doing great and i hope you are taking time for yourself each evening, to do something just for you.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905245
10/08/20 04:17 AM
10/08/20 04:17 AM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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So OW dumped H and told him to leave. I'll post more tomorrow but I'm spinning right now. I have been fairly nice and non emotional with him since he told me.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905247
10/08/20 04:46 AM
10/08/20 04:46 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 294
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Sage4 Offline
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Sage4  Offline
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Hi Rachel,

I am sure you will share more later, but in the meantime, take things very, very, very slowly. It is OK to say things like 'I need to think about this' or 'I need some time, can we discuss this tomorrow afternoon?' or 'this is a big shift for me, I need to consider all my options before I feel comfortable responding to you'.

You DO NOT need to take him back right away. In fact, if you do take him back right away, it diminishes your value to him and when OW comes crawling back in a week, you are back where you started.

You are not Plan B. Repeat that to yourself until it is a second layer of skin. Don't allow H to relegate you to Plan B.

(((Rachel)))

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905249
10/08/20 05:28 AM
10/08/20 05:28 AM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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Thanks Sage i needed that push. He was being all depressed and kept sadly asking to sleep in the bed with me tonight and i was close to giving in. Ended up telling him he made choices and needs to deal with them.

She sent him a message tonight and told him he needed to leave. That she wasnt putting her kids first and neither was he. Then she pulled up with another guy as H was leaving.

Old me would have gloated openly. Said mean things. New me listened carefully and weighed my words before I spoke. I am really proud of myself.

He said he has been thinking of coming home for a couple of weeks now. That he has been staying away more out of stubbornness than anything. His query of me.this morning was in fact real. Of course he says it is over and he won't be going back but I won't believe that. I guess we will see what tomorrow brings when we can both think more clearly (its 130 am here). I plan to go mostly NC and be short on words when we do speak so i can fully grasp the situation. While i am inclined to believe his words are all lies, I have noticed him softening a good deal lately. Not sure what to think right now.

Last edited by rachel75; 10/08/20 05:29 AM.
Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905255
10/08/20 09:54 AM
10/08/20 09:54 AM
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Gigi123 Offline
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Oh Rachel, well done for managing your emotions, in with Sage here, take it so so slow! Sleep in your bed?! Its a no! A day ago he shared someone elses bed!

Get some sleep and take your time, obv listen to him, but do not rush into things. Sage gives sound advice, it is absolutely ok for you to take time to think.

Rachel he has out you through hell, he has shown no remorse, no changes in himself, no respect for you. And in the meantime you have taken time to grow and change, is he the person you want by your side the way he is now?

How long until he cheats again? This isnt just terrible for you, but unhealthy for the kids. He is a grown man and if that means he stays somewhere else for now and can show you that he can be a reliable stable father and a man you deserve then be it like that.

The ball is in your court, i know if didnt feel like it but you are in control of your life and what happens next for you and the kids.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905261
10/08/20 01:55 PM
10/08/20 01:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,710
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Rachel. I completely agree with what Gigi is saying. Donít just let him come back without any hoops to jump through. Back in 2014, four years before BD, XH woke up one morning and told me he wasnít happy, wasnít living the life he was supposed to be living and started talking about us living in side by side duplexes. I basically told him he was crazy and that there was no way we could afford it and that he needed to get his sh!t together. So...he spent six months going to counselling, a menís group etc... and then five months later, had a meltdown and moved into his friendís garage for a month with barely any contact with me and our kids. At the end of that month, he contacted me and said he was coming home and that he was ďbetterĒ and in love with me again. I was so relieved, I just said okay and let him come back no questions asked. The rest of the story is on my thread but suffice it to say, whatever it was he was going through was not over. I think he tried in the beginning but eventually he just went underground and his life became one giant lie. Fast forward six years and we are divorced. In hindsight, I should have never let him just come back. It put him squarely in the driverís seat and he 100% took me for granted. I should have insisted we go to counselling and that we date for awhile. I know that seems dumb, the dating part, but that was one thing that was really missing in our marriage. We spent almost no time together alone since our kids were about two and he had forgotten why he fell in love with me in the first place. I was the mom of his kids but that was about it. Donít let your H take you for granted.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905265
10/08/20 02:18 PM
10/08/20 02:18 PM
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Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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I only got 2 hours of sleep because I just lay in bed wide awake all night. He is at work and planning to come here after. Has been furiously messaging OW all morning. She said he could come back to live there til he finds a place. He told her to F off. Apparently she owes him money so that's great. He said the apartment she lives in is disgusting-food and bugs everywhere, clothes on the floor. All while caring for her 3 kids. He was the one trying to keep things clean. She didn't cook. This is weird because I am the complete opposite of her it seems.

We haven't talked at length yet but I assume that will happen in the coming days. If I even consider taking him back, I do know that he would have to
1. Get tested for STDs
2. Agree to IC and MC
3. Go NC once she pays him (it's around $1000 I believe so not something we can just let go)
4. Work his a$s off to show me he wants me. I still need to decide what that would look like and what to do in the meantime. Do I shove him out the door and just let him find a friend to crash with? Let him sleep on the couch here? Not sure yet. I plan to pull out the DR book again today and reread the later chapters.

DejaVu, that was one of our main issues-he made no time for me. He is a very extroverted person and I am an introvert. He hung out with friends daily and every night after the kids were in bed. It was frustrating and exhausting trying to convince him to prioritize me, so I eventually gave up. I don't think the dating thing sounds dumb at all-I think that would be necessary in our situation also.

Last edited by rachel75; 10/08/20 02:22 PM.
Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: Gigi123] #2905266
10/08/20 02:20 PM
10/08/20 02:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
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rachel75 Offline OP
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rachel75  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Oh Rachel, well done for managing your emotions, in with Sage here, take it so so slow! Sleep in your bed?! Its a no! A day ago he shared someone elses bed!

Get some sleep and take your time, obv listen to him, but do not rush into things. Sage gives sound advice, it is absolutely ok for you to take time to think.

Rachel he has out you through hell, he has shown no remorse, no changes in himself, no respect for you. And in the meantime you have taken time to grow and change, is he the person you want by your side the way he is now?

How long until he cheats again? This isnt just terrible for you, but unhealthy for the kids. He is a grown man and if that means he stays somewhere else for now and can show you that he can be a reliable stable father and a man you deserve then be it like that.

The ball is in your court, i know if didnt feel like it but you are in control of your life and what happens next for you and the kids.


I am going to keep reading this over the next few days to remind myself of how he has treated me. I tend to get sucked back in when it comes to him and I cannot do that this time without him proving himself to me.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905282
10/08/20 05:43 PM
10/08/20 05:43 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 241
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Gigi123 Offline
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Posts: 241
Rachel, i dont have any experience in recon, in hoping May or Pommy or someone more experienced will help here.

I do think that you need to set your expectations, what is it that you want this man to do for you to want to be with him?!

You are doing amazing and have come so far from your first messages on the board! Re-read them just to see how much things have improved for you personally.

Re: 4 weeks separated [Re: rachel75] #2905285
10/08/20 06:12 PM
10/08/20 06:12 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,799
Colorado
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Ready2Change Offline
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Colorado
Hi Rachel,

Do not share your thoughts with him at this stage. You want him to work to get you back. Have your list of non-negotiables firmly determined. Do not share it with him. You wait for him to list out what he is willing to do. That comes after he begs you to take him back.

Here are a few of phases for you to have ready:

"I am not sure"
"I need some time to think about what you said"
"I will let you know when I have decided"
"I think it is best if we discuss that at a different time"

Do a lot of listening and validate his feelings.

"I can see why you feel that way"


You can then come here for input from us. You will get a variety of way to respond and can take your time making decisions.


I wish you well! HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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