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#2901595 08/07/20 09:38 PM
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New poster here, and not sure about forums or anything. Bare with me. Here's the story..

I have been with the H for 40 years, M for 38 this September. We have 4 adult children. In 2015, we sold our family home and since the H had been "downsized", I worked until I retired from my profession of 35 years. We had a vacation ( winter) home in another country, and we were nomads until we found our " forever ' home in 2018.

The area we live in now is very nice place for active adults, and soon he found a " recreational " group to get involved in and enjoy. Apparently, he made a friend of the opposite sex, and they shared stories ( and as I later found out, emails of a general type)

Because of all the changes in my life, I got a bit depressed ( I have had other occurrences ) and gained some weight. So I was unable to join in with his new friends. H and I traveled the world and enjoyed each other, but maybe lost some connection along the way that I was not aware of.

In March of 2019, H came to me quite emotional and said he " felt lost and was so unhappy". I consoled him and tried to get from him what exactly he meant. In May of '19, just before an international trip, he went to take the garbage out to his " friend's" house and was gone for 3 hours. I was very upset when he returned and he said he " lost track of time, talking "

There were email from the OW daily that I was unaware of. There were time when the " recreational activity' took longer than it should of. She invited herself to our vacation home when she know I was gone ( with another member of the group)

Well, eventually, 6 weeks ago, I figured it out!! When I caught him on a phone call, when he was an hour late than expected, and then BD- "I've been having an affair with her for more than a year". I'm crushed and shocked.
WE want to stay together. He has ended the affair, I have started IC, I feel he is remorseful.

Question- How do I get past the fact that he lied to me for a year? He says it's in the past and not to talk about it to him anymore. How do I TRULY forgive him?

I need some help and healing- you all on the board are great, please help!!

Last edited by job; 08/08/20 11:10 AM. Reason: added space between paragraphs for easier reading
BB205 #2901599 08/07/20 09:52 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D35,S34
BB205 #2901601 08/07/20 10:34 PM
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oh, and since the " I'm so lost' discussion ( well mostly his lament) I have lost 40 pounds and have become active. We have been Intimate since Nov of 19. His "friend " was in our Vacation home in Feb '20 , and I'm not sure what I've done wrong? He said he " didn't know how to break it off" WHAT??

BB205 #2901604 08/07/20 11:24 PM
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My issue is - we are more intimate than before, he is really remorseful. He bought me a beautiful new diamond ring to " start a new marriage". I feel he wants to make amends, but I am so wary after reading all the posts here... do I believe that he is sorry and believe that " he wanted to end it with her but didn't know how"? What the heck, did't know how?

BB205 #2901609 08/08/20 12:19 AM
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Hoping for some help here. Have a great weekend

Cadet #2901614 08/08/20 01:18 AM
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Hoping for some help here! Am I not being heard?

BB205 #2901630 08/08/20 04:13 AM
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Hi there, so sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate at the shock and gut wrenching feelings when I discovered my wife's affair. You will learn and grow and become stronger through all of this.

That said, I would highly recommend episode 76 of the "Relationship Alive" podcast. It is titled "Healing from Infidelity" with Michele Weiner Davis, the author of Divorce Busting. I really learned a lot listening to Michele and catching her tone in addition to her thoughts.

Work on detaching and go slow. Good luck.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
BB205 #2901632 08/08/20 08:49 AM
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Believe Actions not Words


Me-68, D35,S34
Cadet #2901637 08/08/20 03:02 PM
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Please visit the links that Cadet posted to you. They have a lot of valuable information to help you along the way.

Have you been to a doctor and gotten checked out for STD's? I wouldn't take my h's word for the fact that they used protection.

As Cadet said, actions speak louder than words. BTW, it takes time and lots of patience to get through something like this. It will not happen in a blink of an eye. At some point, he's going to have to face what he's done and deal w/it. You can't sweep this kind of stuff under a rug or it will continue to fester.

Also, please be patient...posters will come around and visit your thread as time moves along.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
BB205 #2901639 08/08/20 06:08 PM
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Thank you job,
I have an appointment with a Dr next week ( and he does too) and will ask for testing.
The BD was 8 weeks ago, and I must say I cry less, but I do get a bit anxious when he is gone doing errands, etc. H does text me often to reassure me and sends a pic of where he is.
I believe that he won't talk about details of the A because he knows it will hurt me ( and it will ) and he says he has hurt me enough and wants to look forward because we can't change the past.
I realize this will take some time for me to stop thinking about what happened. I'm looking forward to that day!

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