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A Message from Michele
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Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: MrBrside] #2901918
08/12/20 06:53 AM
08/12/20 06:53 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,187
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Vapo Offline
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Indy,

2 things:

1. You say that you cannot do anything to change your situation. That is wrong. You can do plenty to fcuk up your situaton further.

2. You are moping and pining how all is not lost and there is still hope for your relationship. Also wrong. Your relationship died at BD and is gone forever. That does not mean a new relationship cannot be forged, but make no mistake, your old relationship is dead and gone...

Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901920
08/12/20 09:52 AM
08/12/20 09:52 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,236
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LH19 Online
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Indy,

So let's assume for a minute that your W is emotionally healthy which I do not believe to be the case. You asked what you could of done differently. Based on your posts my guess is that your world 100% revolved around her. Am I wrong? That puts a lot of pressure on your W to be your sole support of happiness. It sounds great in theory but people do not like to be put on a pedestal. You have your own life and interests.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901927
08/12/20 12:35 PM
08/12/20 12:35 PM
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Steve85 Online
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Indy, what LH is saying is so important. Putting your happiness into another's hands is wrong for you and for them. For you it means that you aren't in control of your own happiness. A very precarious place to be. For them it is unfair to put that much pressure on another. They have to be in control of their own happiness, you cannot expect that they can be in control of yours too!

So learn about detachment and differentiation. Work on getting there. Nothing had a more profound effect on me and my sitch as did becoming lovingly, emotionally detached. And being differentiated is something that I will continue being for me for the rest of my life!


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901939
08/12/20 04:03 PM
08/12/20 04:03 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 225
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Indy470 Offline OP
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Indy470  Offline OP
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LH, Steve,

Definitely a valid point. I wouldn't say that 100% of my world revolved around her. I still have hobbies and friends and other things that are important to me but those things definitely took a back seat. I would say about 80% of my world revolved around her which I realize is still very unhealthy. I didn't realize how much codependency I had on my wife until all of this happened.

Can someone help me with the difference between detachment and loving detachment?

Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901941
08/12/20 05:11 PM
08/12/20 05:11 PM
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by Indy470
Can someone help me with the difference between detachment and loving detachment?

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Translation: Drop the rope Translation: let her go


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Steve85] #2901945
08/12/20 05:58 PM
08/12/20 05:58 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,762
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Indy, what LH is saying is so important. Putting your happiness into another's hands is wrong for you and for them. For you it means that you aren't in control of your own happiness. A very precarious place to be. For them it is unfair to put that much pressure on another. They have to be in control of their own happiness, you cannot expect that they can be in control of yours too!

So learn about detachment and differentiation. Work on getting there. Nothing had a more profound effect on me and my sitch as did becoming lovingly, emotionally detached. And being differentiated is something that I will continue being for me for the rest of my life!

Indy, do me a favor please. Google Will Smith Happiness and watch the video. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901948
08/12/20 06:30 PM
08/12/20 06:30 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 7,476
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Steve85 Online
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Originally Posted by Indy470
LH, Steve,

Definitely a valid point. I wouldn't say that 100% of my world revolved around her. I still have hobbies and friends and other things that are important to me but those things definitely took a back seat. I would say about 80% of my world revolved around her which I realize is still very unhealthy. I didn't realize how much codependency I had on my wife until all of this happened.

Can someone help me with the difference between detachment and loving detachment?


It means you are emotionally stable no matter what she says or does, but not by being distant, rude, unkind, or absent. It means you do not chase, or start conversation, but are polite and patient when she does. That doesn't mean you're at her beck and call, but that when you do engage with her that you do so as a happy, healthy, fulfilled individual.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Steve85] #2901949
08/12/20 07:00 PM
08/12/20 07:00 PM
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Posts: 5,236
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by Steve85
[Can someone help me with the difference between detachment and loving detachment?
It means you are emotionally stable no matter what she says or does, but not by being distant, rude, unkind, or absent. It means you do not chase, or start conversation, but are polite and patient when she does. That doesn't mean you're at her beck and call, but that when you do engage with her that you do so as a happy, healthy, fulfilled individual.

I am going to disagree with Steve here and say do not worry about being distant or absent. You want distance from her while she is having an affair. I wouldn't worry about being polite or patient either. Don't confuse that with being unkind or rude. Your not interested in her games, BS or drama. Don't respond to her BS texts. Your leaving her be to the mess she has made.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901953
08/12/20 08:30 PM
08/12/20 08:30 PM
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Posts: 225
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Indy470 Offline OP
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Btterfly,

I'll look that up after work today. Thank you for the suggestion. Hope you're doing well.


LH, Steve

Thank you guys for giving me some direction there. I've been having a hard time figuring out how to detach and not be cold. This is all still surreal to me. I know I need to face reality but sometimes it hits me all over again.

Just weird to be honest, I'm doing better but still dont really understand how me and my wife ended up at this point after all the things she had said to me about how much she loved me and how much she was looking forward to our future, just days before BD .

Its frustrating.

Re: Still Standing, Moving forward [Re: Indy470] #2901954
08/12/20 08:43 PM
08/12/20 08:43 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 194
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MrBrside Offline
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Trying to understand it is like trying to fix her.. I reckon 80% of LBS on here have no real idea why their partners did what they did.. chances are, you will not succeed at either.

What you need to realise is, you cannot change it.. so trying to understand it is just a waste of time and energy.,,and in your case dragging you into a deeper darker place..

You need to really start focusing on you.. not what’s , ifs and maybes..

Focus on what you have full control over.. you and your future..not the 2 things you don’t..the past and the WW.

Last edited by MrBrside; 08/12/20 08:44 PM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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