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PS - Unless you intentionally deceived him, your ex-husband is equally responsible for deferring parts of the car-purchasing experience to you instead of using an expert or his own judgment, and whatever the consequences of that were. Iím baffled for why you continue to try to carry burdens and responsibilities that are not yours to carry alone.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I was controlling.

Heís responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.

If you donít vote, you donít get to complain. wink

Last edited by CWarrior; 08/05/20 12:32 AM.


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Thorton --- I don't think I'm friendzoned... I think I'm just tolerated as a means to an end. He isn't the least bit interested in me period.

Ginger --- Thanks... I am still making mistakes and making excuses.

CW --- I should have stuck to it the first time I stated "is that all that you needed?... I need to get to work" and ended it. PERIOD. Why do I fall into small talk??? He clearly isn't interested. I've had 36hr to reflect and I'm just angry at myself. Nearly to the point that I just want to tell him to lawyer up and leave me alone. BUT, I'm holding all the cards right now... and with his guilt I could get more than he wants to give because he wants it over.

But that does not excuse my sloppiness yesterday. I MUST STOP WITH THE CHIT CHAT. I need to get back to making sure I've cut back to the barebones anything I send him.

I don't think there is any hope that this is salvageable. He is done. He is happy with the changes he has in his life now. I'm tied into the stress, exhaustion, long commute, feeling trapped. As LH stated he has a lot of anger and resentment to burn though... and he has ALOT. I have not seen him in nearly 7 weeks... and there is no reason to see him.

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I'm going to focus on making SS20 a sugar cream pie --- his favorite.

S19 and I will be having lunch with him tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
PS - Unless you intentionally deceived him, your ex-husband is equally responsible for deferring parts of the car-purchasing experience to you instead of using an expert or his own judgment, and whatever the consequences of that were. Iím baffled for why you continue to try to carry burdens and responsibilities that are not yours to carry alone.

Originally Posted by KitCat
I was controlling.

Heís responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.

If you donít vote, you donít get to complain. wink


I should have just let my H pick out the car --- it was to be a commuting car for him and what S19 would drive.

H got to the point where he just never would say no to me but would instead stuff it down and let the resentment build until it boiled over in his sleep deprived highly stressed state... it was so unhealthy. Sure its not 100% my responsibility but I do feel I put a lot of pressure on H to work to keep cranking out the OT... He became so angry and half asleep and he HATED the drive. He felt trapped and imprisoned.

Sure he has to take some responsibility in that but I'm dealing with a lot of emotional images of my behavior that I'm absolutely ashamed of... frown

I think all this "niceness" is to make up for how rotten I feel about the person I became... I'm working on getting those layers peeled back to woman I was when we met and married. I think I just need to get it through my thick head he is not interested any longer in any shame or guilt I feel for how I treated him toward the end.

Anyway, I should have deferred to my H more. I just should have said go get your car. For craps sake when we were first married I told him to go buy a car. I never went with him. He just brought a car home. How did I go from sending my H out to controlling him with print outs of 3 options??? WHAT HAPPENED TO ME???

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KC, I feel for you. It seems you want his validation so much. It looks like you try to take the lion's share of the blame, and justify what he did/is doing. You didn't deserve him being a butthole and leaving.

I definitely in the past struggled with being a "fixer" due to my previous marriage where my idiot alcoholic POS XH would say he did stuff, and turns out he didn't, so I put all the pressure on myself to get stuff done because if I didn't do it, I couldn't trust him to. It's strange how that showed up in ways I didn't anticipate in my 2nd marriage. I'm not sure if you've read anything on codependency, but a lot of that ties into the fixer dynamic, and it looks like that here a lot of times.

I've referenced giving people the dignity to fail before, and think it really applies here. Let him make his own mistakes. Let him get his own lawyer. He is an adult man and can do these things without you, and that doesn't mean you're worth less as a person.

Last edited by job; 08/05/20 12:49 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
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Originally Posted by CWarrior

Heís responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.

If you donít vote, you donít get to complain. wink



THIS. This resonates with me so much, and hopefully with you too KC.
My H has a mountain fo resentment against me going back for years about times he felt I controlled decisions. For the vast majority of those examples he hangs on to, I can specifically recall practically badgering him by checking into make sure ďare you SURE you are ok with this?Ē Literally saying to him ďIím worried if you donít give your input you will resent me laterĒ.
Sure enough, he has held on to so many of those little moments as controlling on my part, despite my begging him to weigh in.

If you donít vote you dont get to complain. YES. AND. You donít get to label your partner as controlling afterward, because somebody has to be the one to step up and make the adult decisions. SIIIIIGGGHHHHHH.

KC, I get where you are coming from, I truly do. The best you can do is work on what you view as your controlling behaviors, separate from what your H may think or say.

Last edited by job; 08/05/20 12:51 PM. Reason: fixed quote
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Originally Posted by HopeCA
Originally Posted by CWarrior

Heís responsible for ceding control of that decision to you for convenience. Unless, of course, you used powers of hypnosis, brainwashing, or exerting some other form of nefarious control over him.

If you donít vote, you donít get to complain. wink



THIS. This resonates with me so much, and hopefully with you too KC.
My H has a mountain fo resentment against me going back for years about times he felt I controlled decisions. For the vast majority of those examples he hangs on to, I can specifically recall practically badgering him by checking into make sure ďare you SURE you are ok with this?Ē Literally saying to him ďIím worried if you donít give your input you will resent me laterĒ.
Sure enough, he has held on to so many of those little moments as controlling on my part, despite my begging him to weigh in.

If you donít vote you dont get to complain. YES. AND. You donít get to label your partner as controlling afterward, because somebody has to be the one to step up and make the adult decisions. SIIIIIGGGHHHHHH.

KC, I get where you are coming from, I truly do. The best you can do is work on what you view as your controlling behaviors, separate from what your H may think or say.


True and well said. But, sadly my H is right. Did I even give him the chance to vote? Did he feel he had the chance to vote? I think sometimes he did not and it was just easier to go along with me rather than deal with conflict?

My H was far from perfect. In fact he could be a real A**. But, can't we all?

I have to take ownership and ultimately even if I didn't think I was controlling... that is how he felt. And I can't tell him his feelings are wrong.

I'm taking baby steps forward but still having shooting painful images of how out right disrespectful I could be at times. I just cringe... was that really me?

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Sooo lots running through my head....

Had lunch with SS20 and S19... SD19 actually had wanted to come too and that news just made my heart burst with joy. Sadly SS20 fell asleep and I had to call so he woke up said he would be right at the resturant told his sister who was also asleep she had 2 min to get ready (well... that isn't ever happening!!!) So SS20 was alone.

He looked worn out and overwhelmed but I reminded myself he did just wake up.

First words out of his mouth after sorry for being late ---- his fiance' is pregnant.

WHAT???? When did GF become Fiance'???? How did I miss that?

There was nothing on FB and SS20 went on to say they were telling all the important people before the d*uches/FB. That warmed my heart that I was "important people".

My goal was to not say H word at all but I was not expecting that "your dad will be so over the moon... he is ready for grandkids"... but no response from SS20 and didn't even look at me. My bad... moving on.

Found out that he bought the ring months before but just proposed a few days ago at the family farm (how sweet!). He tells the story of how he told his grandparents... super cute and both of them didn't get it at first... lol. He also told his uncle but it went right over his head... NO ONE IS EXPECTING THIS! smile

Turns out he has NOT told H... I was like what??? And he repeated that he told he was telling all the important people before the douches.... HOLY COW.... SS20 and H had been rebuilding their relationship over the last 2yr and it had been really good even when I was contact with SS20 back in March/April..

SS20 went on to say he went to lunch with H and was completely grossed out by him... he was saying this like sticking his duck here and there. Now, SS20 and H could always get on the rowdy side and many times I would reel them in stating they are at the kitchen table. Things I would call locker room talk/or hanging with the guys. So - for SS20 to say it was gross and nasty was an eye opener.

And, then SS20 went on to state that OW was sitting right there next to him while he was saying all this and he just didn't get that or her for the matter. He looked at me and said "I don't know what's going on with dad... its like he is having some sort of horny midlife crisis"

Wow...

I just said yeah... I don't know either... don't know much about her except she heavily pursued your dad. SS20 was like she knowingly went after a married man??? Yeah... and just moved the convo right along.

Please bear in mind that SS20 and I didn't have the best relationship while he was growing up. I was the evil "step mom" in his eyes... and I admit I was a little hard on him. He had gotten into some trouble and wasn't anywhere close to his potential. In his defense now while I gave him credit for how hard it had to have been going between your parents home I should have given it way more... I don't think there is a parent out there who doesn't have some regrets or would choose to do something different.

^^^ So with that in mind I'm surprised that he would say anything about his lunch with dad to me that was negative like that.

Well thanks for letting me unload all that. Writing it out is helpful to get it out and not stew too much.

TAKE AWAYS
1) I had a nice lunch with SS20
2) Sounds like I might have a chance to get SD19 out for lunch sometime
3) It was a nice day but it in no ways changes anything about my sitch... I have continue to work on letting go and not communicating with H.

I need a nap now!

Last edited by job; 08/06/20 12:10 PM. Reason: edited a word
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So, did discussing H with SS20 help your sitch?


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Originally Posted by Steve85
So, did discussing H with SS20 help your sitch?


Steve85 --- no, but I also wrote out that it did not on my post... that nothing change just because SS20 unloaded his frustration with his dad.

I get that SS20 was frustrated with his dad yesterday but he may also be over and things be patched up by now, next week... at some point. I listened and said I was sorry that he was not happy with his dad currently. I got the feeling that his dad was behaving very self centered when with him --- but I'm guessing. And, from what I read here and other places that WW are self centered.

SS20's statement about "I don't know what's going on with H... its like some mid life crisis..." came out of his mouth on his own unprompted or asked from me. While there was probably another 60-90sec in regards to H... I said none of this matters and moved the convo elsewhere... discussed sailing and SS20's dreams, etc.

ANYWAY --- my take away is 1) SS20 considers me an important person. smile and shared personal news rather than having me find out later when they post on FB.

I have another story that touches my heart deeply. I have knit all 3 kids there own special blanket and the stepkids took theirs when they moved out. SS20 told me he took his to Kuwait with him. I also know that he drove alone 2 days from where he was stationed to get home. Stopping occassionally for some sleep at a rest stop in the back of his car. As I was loading things into his vehicle (he still had a coat at the house, some memoribilia from childhood, some video games, etc) he opened his trunk.. AND there was his blanket. Its what he used to sleep with in the back of his car during his road trip. I cannot tell you how much my heart was filled with joy.

I'm dealing with some anger issues right now and need to explore and vent here shortly.

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