First, thank you for having the courage to come and post here. It can be overwhelming on a site like this where there are a lot of LBSes who are still struggling with a lot of pain and heartache from their own WASes.
A lot of us could learn a few things from your perspective, and while we may have not been in your shoes, we can all learn a lot from each other and hopefully help each other out.
I agree that you need to stop all pursuit. I also agree that you need to solely focus on yourself through counseling- those are both excellent places to start.
I recommend you slow down. Slow everything down and get yourself to a place of stability and calm. This will not be easy if you are struggling with addiction. But it is an absolute necessity.
I agree with all points about how I treated her for 6 months. I am not denying anything, I was the very definition of the term WAS. I was cold, narcissistic, mean, you name it. I know it is a risk coming on here. I just want some specifics to keeping me on track. She is actually saying that she doesn't want a divorce either now. I would just like some help.
I agree with all points about how I treated her for 6 months. I am not denying anything, I was the very definition of the term WAS. I was cold, narcissistic, mean, you name it. I know it is a risk coming on here. I just want some specifics to keeping me on track. She is actually saying that she doesn't want a divorce either now. I would just like some help.
romans, I think what I said is something you really need to consider. You need to get yourself right before you can even consider being a good spouse again. To your W or to someone new.
And as far as what she is saying, we have an important saying around here: Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. What she is saying right now, now that she is moving on to someone new, will be whatever is convenient for her at the moment. Why are you even engaging her right now? All you should be doing is stating to her one time, that you've changed your mind and do not want a divorce. But that you want to make sure you have your demons under control before committing fully back to the marriage.
And then focus on yourself, and getting right.
Her actions will either be that she too doesn't want a D, or that she now does. Actions > Words
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I understand your revelation was due to a religious moment you don't want to discuss on here.
What steps are you taking to address your mental health? If you don't address your psychological issues, even if you get another chance, you're almost certain to blow it again. It sounds like you've been through some trauma that self-help books, praying, or herbal medications may help with but can't fully remedy.
just go slow and don't fight with her. Listen to her, validate her emotions. If she asks what you want just be frank and simple. What did she say exactly?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I intellectually can understand the affair, as I basically had an affair with kratom and isolation. While I didn't cheat with another person, I might as well have. I am just not sure what to do.
Kratom.........the hair supplement?
I don't think you can compare isolation and supplements to actually having an affair. You may be in the process of beating yourself up, but don't swing so far you can't have a perspective view. It's one thing to recognize your faults, and know where/how you caused a lot of damage to your MR, and emotional pain for your W, but don't swing too far the other direction and try to justify her having an affair. You may not have won the blue ribbon for best H, but it doesn't make what you did, equal to that of an adulterous spouse. (I had some trouble with that very issue when I first arrived, but I was the one having the A, who wanted to place the blame on my H.) That's not to say you are to feel superior or pious, just b/c she's having an affair and you didn't. You may be reaping the results of rejecting your W and focusing on your own pain more than thinking of your W's feelings, but it doesn't excuse adultery. Adultery carries a high price tag, and just so you know........she'll reap results of what she's chosen to do, also. She may have turned to OM, b/c she needed to feel loved, desired, escape, etc. It's easy for me to see from her viewpoint, however, stepping outside the M to have emotional needs met by another man, is just wrong.
Okay, so I'm going to be very honest and say that when I was in the process of cheating, it would probably have jerked me backward to see my H interested in another woman. For one thing, I didn't appreciate the man he was, and only saw what he wasn't. I not only took him for granted, but I took it even further. I did not respect him as a man, b/c he had not been what I needed in our MR. I had rejected his sexual advances, until he stopped even kissing me. I was so consumed with depression, health issues, job issues, children issues, and more unhappiness than happiness, that I reached a point where I wasn't seeing or thinking about much of anything but my own pain. Just as I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did. Troubles and sorrows can take a toll on individuals, couples, and families. I doubt there is anyone here that hasn't experienced it to some degree. That's what is special in this community. We've all had some type of painful experience, so we can relate, learn, share, and try to support each other.
I think your reaction to your W's affair is very typical of human beings. You weren't interested, even to the point of rejecting her repeatedly. You were telling her every couple of weeks that you wanted out. Then when another man showed desire for her, your interest was suddenly alive. Although it's a very typical reaction, I don't think your W is going to have much compassion, considering your track record. Pursuing her isn't the answer, IMHO. Even trying to convince her how much you love her and are ready to work on the MR, isn't likely the ticket that gets her back. So, what to do is the question.
For starters, I recommend that you order the book, Divorce Remedy, by Michele W. Davis. Also, consider calling the number listed to receive advice from one of her coaches. I also strongly urge you to seek IC. You can't fix a broken marriage, until you fix what's broken in you.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
