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Vu I am really impressed with your statements below and will comment further.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I agree with everything said here. ATL...I do see you setting yourself up for disappointment and reading too much into her change of mood.

This happens all the time and sets the LBS up for major disappointment. Anything other then I have changed my mind and want to work on the major doesn't mean anything and is only mindreading.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
DBing ultimately is about saving yourself, not your marriage. Sometimes the marriage does get saved as a by product of that. But, given my observations over the last two years of being on this forum...the vast majority do not. That’s just the reality. By the time our spouses get to the point of saying they are done, most have been contemplating ending it for way longer than we think and feel like once they have taken that step of telling us, there is no going back.

This is the truth 95% of the time.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
If your W ever wants you back, she will let you know. But...she will only ever want you back if she sees that you are living your best life and have [truly] moved on.

So true and you need to fake it until you make it.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
There is nothing attractive about a person who tries to hang on to you when you have clearly told them you want out. But the person who says “okay” and then gets out there and lives their life like they hardly even miss you. EXTREMELY attractive. It’s just human nature my friend.

Spot on!
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
After awhile, I felt more like his mom than his partner and I lost respect for him... big time. Once the respect was gone, that was it. I was done. I broke up with him and never looked back. Not saying that is what your W will do but you do need to know that once a woman loses respect for you, it is really hard for her to find you attractive again.

Coming straight out of a woman's mouth.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
You would have to to a complete 180 in your behaviour and attitude and she would need to see it consistently over time. Probably not what you want to hear but I would be doing your a disservice, I think, it I didn’t tell you that. You need to get busy.

This is where I struggle sometimes. I do not like to blow sunshine up people's arses but sometimes I feel if I give them the truth they will not put in the work and give up.

Great Post Vu!

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I’m focused on 180s. I’m confident they take time. Sometimes the struggle with 180s come from my former issues, and contradict other DB ideas

I was rather detached before, so how do I perform a 180, and reattach while still being “mysterious” and “going on with my life.”


"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."

Litany Against Fear, Dune
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Again ATL I think you need to spend more time with the homework material. You definitely DO NOT want to reattach right now.

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Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
She is totally fine being the breadwinner. She isn’t fine with me not having an income commensurate with my occupation. However, just having that didn’t make her the least bit more happy.


I don't think you are being honest here. Sorry for the 2x4 but if she was totally fine why did you say she was "nagging". It can't be both my friend.

Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
My job situation that I take full responsibility for resulted from maddening depression because the relationship was failing. I had two really good jobs go south over the last 4 years. During the first of those two jobs, I was also battling Severe sleep apnea (144 events per hour, which is bad) making me tired and nearly nonfunctional. Once this was diagnosed, the depression got worse.
Why did they go south? Was it truly out of you control that they did? Or was there a part you played in it? You don't have to go into the specifics of why they went south here... but perhaps ask yourself what part you played.


Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
She never seemed concerned about the sleep apnea issue, or happy i got it fixed. I think her contempt was fed by the idea I was just lazy, that admitting anything would make her feel shame.
This statement is mindreading and not helpful. Do YOU think you were being lazy?


Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
I take responsibility also not having a good tool kit for resolving our communication issues. I didn’t know about some things I have read about recently. I also didn’t know that I did truly needed to reset my values, and resist my sense of entitlement which I’ve mentioned before.
Okay. Now what? You mention entitlement but this post feels like it has entitlement all through it.

Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
I remember once asking her to lay off her constant nagging, give me encouragement, show some slight affection. When the second job was about to fail, she told me I couldn’t put that on her. Well, it was maybe not her fault, but if having a job meant so much to her, perhaps it was still her responsibility. Honest to God, i don’t believe that I wasn’t asking for a lot.


That last sentence right there... turn it around. Was she asking alot from you to contribute? Hold a steady job? Whatever she was nagging you about? Was is that hard to do them??

ATL - I am pushing this matter because dealing with this would be a HUGE 180. I was in a relationship with someone who didn't hold steady work. She, not unlike you, felt like a chunk of this was out of her control. That can be true for a short period of time - but not years.

In those years - Not only did I lose respect... Fear settled in. I started to feel unsafe. I started to feel like I couldn't trust her. "If she couldn't hold a job - how could she do (insert anything here)". Our dreams were only possible if I paid for them. Our wedding - if I paid for it. Towards the end, She wanted to go to therapy and in my head I thought "yet another thing that if I want - I have to pay for. If it's so important to her - why doesn't she make more money to pay for it".

Now some of that is for me to own and confront... but can you see what was happening in my head?? How dangerous that is? Once those fears settled in - everything that went wrong just added to it's scorecard.

After we ended - She got a full time job. She started getting her finances together. And whatever was holding her back no longer existed.

And to be honest... I couldn't be more proud of her. Sure in the beginning I was like "Why couldn't you do this when we were together"... but after I grieved that part... I am happy for her because I want that for her. Now does that mean we are getting back together... No. But did it put cracks in my wall around the idea that she is a villain... absolutely.

What can you do to put cracks in that wall??


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Well, just when I got over her, she decides to tell me she wants to take our son and move out of state.


"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."

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She legally can’t do that. Speak to a lawyer.

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I hope you’re right. I spoke to one lawyer who I just randomly picked on google and he was all “Because it’s Georgia, and you’re a man and they will let her take him, you can’t stop it.” He also didn’t want to even hint that I’d have a shot at any spousal support and it was a 10 yr marriage and she makes 2.5x what I make.

He just said I’d be looking at getting $x in asset split and could look forward to $x in child support.

All because she wants to take our son in a divorce that she wanted. Maybe he’s just looking for a quick mediation retainer fee as our divorce isn’t anything special.

Last edited by ATLGuy13; 09/05/20 10:36 AM.

"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."

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ATL,

Consult will a few lawyers. Legally she can't take your son from you. Usually it's within 25 miles I believe. If she makes more then you then she will pay child support and most likely alimony.

Be smart and try to get whatever you can from her. She will most likely try to manipulate you with false hopes of reconciliation to get you to waver. Don't buy it.

Just so you know as I have been saying this is all part of the process.

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I think she’s being influenced by her family, which is sad because she’s smarter than all of them. I doubt she understands just how expensive this will be.

Also, she has A LOT of maxed out credit cards, is she responsible for those or is that a split? Just looking for leverage where ever I can find it.


"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."

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I’ve got a harsh reality for you.

She can possibly win that. Being the breadwinner, and an active parent, if she can convince the court she has better opportunity and support in another area of this country, they will likely grant it. It wouldn’t hold you back from following or getting vacations and holidays, but if there is nothing holding YOU to your area, which it seems as if there isn’t.... she can likely do it. I’ve looked into it, I’ve seen it done, etc.

What’s your best chance of this not happening ? Ensuring you have a steady job and income. While your W worked, were you being Mr. Dad? Play groups, sports, education, etc? We’re you a very active, involved, stay at home father

A 10 year old marriage isn’t going to be much by the way of alimony if anything at all. Can you support you and your son? You’ll get some child support, but will it be enough to create a stable home for your child?

You need to be putting yourself in the best position ever, starting yesterday.

Because if the courts see a dad who can’t hold a job, has poor employment history, and a mom who has been supporting her son and her H, they are going to favor in her side.

Your chance of keeping your son in your state is to become employed, consistent, and steady.

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