My Father in Law called me at the start of the week to see how I was doing. He said W had written to him a few weeks ago. He mentioned her email included things like "you don't know what I've been through all these years" and "I'm only just coming to terms with what really happened in our marriage". W also made a comment that we get along much better now than when we were together. ?? - we are barely interacting.
Remember, there is THE truth...then there is HER truth. LBSs get a bloody forehead bashing it against the wall trying to reconcile the two. Just except that this is her new reality, and move on.
How did the call with him go? Was this him confronting you over her accusations? Was it him not believing what she was telling him either? Or was it just a "I heard her side, I want to hear your side"?
Be very careful interacting with her family. Remember, it is her dad so he is going to likely be sympathetic to her even if he doesn't like what she is doing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Remember, there is THE truth...then there is HER truth. LBSs get a bloody forehead bashing it against the wall trying to reconcile the two. Just except that this is her new reality, and move on.
Yes, you are right. I do try to see her side of things, and listen to learn, but the 'why's are a mystery sometimes. Forehead bashing, as you say. I still remember what LH19 said to me back in January, "You are trying to use logic and reason with an emotional human being."
Originally Posted by Steve85
How did the call with him go? Was this him confronting you over her accusations? Was it him not believing what she was telling him either? Or was it just a "I heard her side, I want to hear your side"?
FIL had reached out to W in a text message. W responded by email, including the comments I mentioned. FIL was disbelieving (in a surprised way) of much of it. He didn't call me to get my response but perhaps someone to listen to his defence of what W said about him.
FIL is a committed Christian and is firmly of the opinion we should be working on reconciliation. He has tried to talk to W about this. FIL sent an initial text message to W months ago. W felt it was judgemental. She read it to me (I couldn't see anything unloving or uneven about it). FIL tried to call W a few days later but she was so cross about it she hung up on him. W told me FIL has tried to call since. She told him that she was busy and would call later (with no intention of doing so). Now, several months later FIL has reached out again with another text message. W replied to say he was being unloving and unsupportive of her, and not what a father should be, and included the comments he mentioned to me. FIL sees his loving duty as telling W what scripture requires, whereas W wants to FIL to support her position whatever it is.
FIL is very much for 'us' (as opposed to being just for W or just for me). Being in the same camp as FIL is a double-edged sword however because W's relationship with FIL is rather rocky. I have to make sure his contact with me and my interactions with him can't be misinterpreted by W as if we are in cahoots with each other.
W has a very strong relationship with her mother. W's parents have been divorced a very long time (since before we were married). They do not get along.
You need to tell your FIL to back off and but out. This just upsets her and gives her more negative emotions towards your marriage. You do not want to feed the beast right now.
W dropped S16 off after a Parent-Teacher evening (only one parent allowed due to COVID). She told me about the feedback from the teachers. I could sense another shoe was about to drop. She told me it had been another year, now almost 2 years since she had moved out. She said she is a completely different person from when she left and "the happiest [she's] ever been." W said she will file for D in the next few days. Her original plan was to do a court order, which involves us sorting things out ourselves, getting a lawyer each to review it and then the court approves it. It's the cheapest way to do things. She told me she doesn't have time for that, she's going to go through a lawyer. W said we could share the lawyer and do it together, or I could get my own. W is giving me a few days to decide.
W went interstate with an old friend who was promoting her self-help book at a conference. The book is all about how she escaped her first marriage, which she says was full of emotional abuse, gaslighting, silent treatment, anger, etc. Last year W told her father "I'm only just coming to terms with what really went on in our marriage". I didn't know what that meant but I guess it comes out of this. I would never have thought any of that stuff went on, just disagreements and frustration and differing views.
Some WASs stick to their history revisionism for a long time. That way they can justify their actions. Regardless, it is her narrative, true or false, no reason to dwell on it.
However, sincerely hope you'll get your own lawyer. If she's going down the path of claiming emotional abuse, the D has the potential to get ugly. Protect yourself!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would never have thought any of that stuff went on, just disagreements and frustration and differing views.
Joe sorry to hear about your latest update. As Steve wisely said make sure you get a lawyer to protect yourself. I can promise you that your STBXW has some valid points and it all wasn't just disagreements and frustration and differing views. This has to be examined an acknowledged so that it isn't an issue in future relationships. Are you familiar with Nice Guy Syndrome? Most guys on here had/have it. As much as we would love to believe it was all sunshine and rainbows and we were completely innocent it is never the case. Dig deep and figure out your role in the demise of your marriage and slowly and methodically work to prove upon it.
Your life isn't over you are just closing a chapter of a full book that has not been completely written.
Sorry to hear your WAS is following through with the divorce. I agree with what others have said...get a lawyer to protect yourself. Also agree with what LH said. There are always two sides to everything. Whether or not your disagreements reached the level that they can be defined as emotionally abusive is a matter of opinion, I suppose. Often people assume that it means there has to have been a lot of yelling and name calling for that to be the case. It’s not. There are other more subtle ways. The silent treatment, subtle put downs, insisting on my way or the highway without giving the other person a chance to talk, etc... Abuse is really the other person’s experience of it. You don’t have to mean to abuse someone for it to happen. If you grow up in a family where that is the norm, you may not even recognize it. Your W may be over exaggerating to justify her departure but then again, she may not be. Regardless, self-examination is always an important process so I encourage you to engage in it. Take responsibility for your part in it and fix the parts that need fixing. It will be important for your kids that you do so. (((HUGS)))
I can promise you that your STBXW has some valid points and it all wasn't just disagreements and frustration and differing views. This has to be examined an acknowledged so that it isn't an issue in future relationships. Are you familiar with Nice Guy Syndrome? Most guys on here had/have it. As much as we would love to believe it was all sunshine and rainbows and we were completely innocent it is never the case. Dig deep and figure out your role in the demise of your marriage and slowly and methodically work to prove upon it.
I can promise you that your STBXW has some valid points and it all wasn't just disagreements and frustration and differing views. This has to be examined an acknowledged so that it isn't an issue in future relationships. Are you familiar with Nice Guy Syndrome? Most guys on here had/have it. As much as we would love to believe it was all sunshine and rainbows and we were completely innocent it is never the case. Dig deep and figure out your role in the demise of your marriage and slowly and methodically work to prove upon it.
excellent post!
Thanks Pinn! I may have some relevance on this board after all lol.
Her original plan was to do a court order, which involves us sorting things out ourselves, getting a lawyer each to review it and then the court approves it. It's the cheapest way to do things. She told me she doesn't have time for that, she's going to go through a lawyer. W said we could share the lawyer and do it together, or I could get my own. W is giving me a few days to decide.
Forget whatever she said originally, it doesn't matter. If she's getting a lawyer you should get your own. DO NOT on what her lawyers say - it is an adversarial process - and they WILL trump up their argument to scare and bully you if you don't have your own. I felt strong after reading my lawyer's responses to my wife and couldn't help but feeling a bit riled up / shaken after reading her L's responses. Get your own lawyer to be the buffer and advise you what's legal vs. what is complete BS.
Originally Posted by JoeDredd
W went interstate with an old friend who was promoting her self-help book at a conference. The book is all about how she escaped her first marriage, which she says was full of emotional abuse, gaslighting, silent treatment, anger, etc. Last year W told her father "I'm only just coming to terms with what really went on in our marriage". I didn't know what that meant but I guess it comes out of this. I would never have thought any of that stuff went on, just disagreements and frustration and differing views.
She literally wrote a book? Wow, that's hurtful. Sorry.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
