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#2900807 07/28/20 03:42 PM
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Hitting My Stride VI

Hi everyone, I know it's been a while. Not sure why I haven't posted and I am not sure how often I will but I guess I just got to a place where I wanted to enjoy life and not be bogged down with my thoughts and analyzing where I am at or where I am going or how I was feeling.

I am still not married nor engaged but moving closer. Talks have come up and I know the Doc is ready but I am not mainly because of the kids. Honestly I am scared. I think my fears are mainly based on my daughters. I have realized they are very protective of me and they thoroughly enjoy their time with their dad in our house just the 3 of us. In some areas things have improved with the kids but in other areas they are the same however I do feel progress is being made it is just slow. The Doc's attitude is that there will be tears and an adjustment period but we just have to work through it. My thoughts are that my girls have to feel comfortable and when we get married our house is their house as well and they need to feel comfortable in it. They can't feel like outsiders, strangers or concerned about her son and how he is behaving or being territorial over his things. I just dont' think he is quite there yet. The Doc just wants to rip the band aid off. That said things have improved.

We will be taking our first mini vacation over Labor Day weekend just the 5 of us so hopefully that will help. I have been very honest with the Doc so she does know where I stand.

Other than the stuff with the kids life is grand! I just celebrated my 47th last weekend with close family and friends. It was an awesome day and evening. The Doc is still sweet as ever and I am truly blessed that I met her. Things that used to bother me don't any more and I am glad I stayed the course and worked through my issues. We see each other about 5 out of the 7 days during the week when I don't have my girls and the weeks that I have them we get together as a family on Friday or Saturday. I am still working from home and work from her place during my off weeks as I help her out with child care with her son. She calls me her "Manny".

I know it is still very early in our relationship but she appreciates me in ways my XW never did. She values everything that I have to offer. She values that I am a true partner and I support her in ways that her XH never did. Mainly I just listen, validate and am sensitive to her needs. There have still been no fights or arguments and I think we make a really good team.

Things with the XW have been great as well. We actually work very well together as co-parents and she has not given me once ounce of trouble with the Doc. I have met her BF a couple of times now and all has been well on that front also. He seems like a good guy it seems that we get along well. He recently moved to a different town that is about 40 minutes from where the XW lives so it would seem that they are just fine with dating as I would assume they would have moved in together or if their were plans to get married he would have moved where she was at. Anyway, she seems happy.

All in all I am doing very well, my girls are doing great also, and I couldn't be happier with where I am at.

I hope everyone is healthy and doing great!

Last edited by job; 07/28/20 04:37 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread

Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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J,

Glad you're back and everything is great! You will make her an honest woman when you and your girls are ready. Yeah it doesn't sound like your ex's man is long term potential. She probably is glad he moved 40 miles away.

Now we need to find Maika.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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good to hear from you J ... I get it ... I have stepped way, way back for a number of reasons. I'm glad things are going well for you and most especially glad to read you are holding firm on your personal timetable, not Doc's.

As the parent of a kid whose father did the exact opposite, I can tell you it is very, very damaging, at least it was for my son.

So proud of you for putting your girls first. I wish more parents did this.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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good to hear from you J ... I get it ... I have stepped way, way back for a number of reasons. I'm glad things are going well for you and most especially glad to read you are holding firm on your personal timetable, not Doc's.

As the parent of a kid whose father did the exact opposite, I can tell you it is very, very damaging, at least it was for my son.

So proud of you for putting your girls first. I wish more parents did this.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

"True love travels on a gravel road."
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You sound great! Very happy for you!

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Good to hear things are rolling along for you TB!! It all sounds like it is going at a nice pace and you have found yourself a “keeper”. Like you, I have also stepped back a bit from posting for similar reasons but still feel compelled to return once in awhile to check in on the people who were so instrumental in helping me get through the worst period of my life. Also hoping to pay it forward somehow by reassuring the newcomers that there is, most definitely, life after divorce and it can be a great one. Thanks for staying in touch. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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Thanks everyone. It's not easy blending families and all of this is very new to her son. I have said it before but it's just not easy for him. He doesn't play like a normal kid. We went out on the lake yesterday and took the kids tubing. All three kids had an equal amount of turns but when it was his time to get out of the water he started crying and kept on saying on repeat how he wanted to go again and he kept on asking to go. He wouldn't accept my first answer, kept on asking the same question over and over again. Finally I had enough and got into him a little bit. All the kids were having fun and enjoying themselves until he had an issue. I know he was having fun, I know he was excited, it was a new activity for him but he couldn't handle when his time was up. It didn't matter to him that the other kids needed a turn. Just an example of the give and take he is not used to and how when he is with other people he has no social awareness that it is not his boat and that he is a guest. He just tries to take over and doesn't understand that as a guest you wait your turn, you defer to the people that have invited you.

The kid is whip smart though. He picks your words apart. After we were done tubing yesterday he asked if we were going to go back out later on. I told him probably not and he then asked me so there is a chance then because I said probably. I was just trying to be nice vs just saying flat out "no" but he read into probably that there was still a chance. Again not socially aware or maybe he really does have some form of Autism?? He takes everything literally. I have never had a conversation with the Doc about it and I don't think it is my place to bring it up or discuss. Not sure what to do on that front but I guess there is a possibility that it could exist.

He is just all in with every activity, no matter who is performing it, what his relation is to them or how they are perceiving him. He has no other awareness other than how it makes him feel or the fun he is having. It is all about him and no one else. In those moments very narcissistic.

My girls are getting better about ignoring it and they do have spurts of getting along with each other however it's just not consistent.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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Quote
Again not socially aware or maybe he really does have some form of Autism?? He takes everything literally. I have never had a conversation with the Doc about it and I don't think it is my place to bring it up or discuss. Not sure what to do on that front but I guess there is a possibility that it could exist.


If you're her partner, who better to bring it up? While kids on the spectrum are not usually narcissistic, they may have obsessive traits that make them overly focused on one thing. They also can't read social cues so may not read faces or nuances of communication that would normally tell you when you're boring someone, say, or going over the line.

He could just be really spoiled or just very impulsive/ADHD but when you add it to his apparent high IQ being on the spectrum becomes more of a possibility.

One way to introduce it to the doc would be just to say "Have you ever considered the possibility that son might be mildly on the autism spectrum?" (We used to call them Asperger's but now it's just considered on the mild end of the spectrum).

You might first want to watch a new Netflix reality show called Love on the Spectrum. It's about adults on the spectrum dating, not exactly relatable to kids but you might recognize some behaviors. One example is the guy who is taking his girlfriend out (and unbeknownst to her is planning to propose). But he only brought black socks and they don't go with his navy blue suit and he has a meltdown and they have to go buy him some blue socks first before he can proceed with the evening.

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I agree with kml that, as the doc's partner, you are in a better position than anyone else to actually broach such a sensitive subject. With all due respect to kml, who is a doctor and a wise woman besides that and who is, no doubt a fantastic parent, and also no disrespect to you, who is a fabulous parent in your own right, but I wouldn't necessarily just assume that he is on the spectrum right off the bat, just because he gets hyper focused and is very literal. I know several people in real life who are very literal and not on the spectrum at all. Alternatively, I know a couple of people who are on the spectrum who don't take things very literally at all. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that being on the spectrum is totally out of the realm of possibilities, but I'm just saying that there are other possibilities as well. As a completely outside observer who doesn't know any of you from Adam, based only on what little information you have given us about son, I would just hazard a wild guess that his being adopted, the only dad he has ever known not being around, his mother (and other female family members) putting him on a pedestal, his not being active in after school programs (when school was still going on) due to his mother's schedule or whatever other issues were there, his high intelligence which probably makes it hard for him to relate to kids his own age anyway, and his lack of opportunity to have play dates and just act like a little boy for whatever reason could all be affecting the way he behaves. The vision I have gotten from several little anecdotes you have shared is that the doc is super overprotective about what he does and how he does it, is super demanding (i.e. learning Spanish and memorizing Bible verses), and all the women spoil him and treat him like a little king. So, it would stand to reason that he would be pretty selfish and spoiled if any of that is even partially true. He's never had to share, never learned to take turns and "work and play well" with others. So, why would that change instantly? I get that it isn't fair to your girls since they have a built in person that they must share with. Maybe it is something he'll grow out of or maybe he'll be a spoiled and entitled teenager...who knows?

I get that you are not his step-parent and don't want to insert yourself into that role and I applaud you for that. You likely will be in that role in the future if things continue as they are at present, but right now, you aren't and it can be a difficult place to be. I may be wrong and I may be in the minority, but I am not sure you do yourself, the doc and your relationship, or her son for that matter, any favors when you don't at least bring things up to her and try to discuss. Someone commented on one of your other recent posts that these things take time and that some things won't even really get ironed out unless/until you actually live together and I totally agree about that, but I think that talking about some things now might smooth that transition about if and when the time comes. The doc seems like a bit of a contradiction in terms to me, again, based solely on your accounts of some things. You say she is strong, independent, smart, driven. She's clearly business oriented and I would presume a decent doctor if she was able to open her own practice. But I recall you telling a story awhile back where she basically told her son that you were the man of the house. That seems like an odd attitude for someone who is so staunchly independent and wants to do things for herself and I wonder if son gets some similar mixed messages. He loves his dad, but you say the doc was very hard on her XH. Did son see or hear that? Maybe he has some fears that if he doesn't "measure up" she'll be mean to him too? (Totally grasping at straws here, not at all saying I think the doc would actually be mean to her child.)

I don't know....I'm really just rambling. it sounds like y'all are in a good place and that other than the issues with her son, it is pretty smooth sailing. I keep hoping that once y'all get into a routine, so to speak, that he'll settle in too. Having a strong male role model around certainly can't hurt, even if it is someone who doesn't have the same interests.


Me 51, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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Yes, I'm not saying he IS on the spectrum, just that it's one possible explanation for some of his behavior and if it is, your approach to it would have to be entirely different than if he's just a spoiled brat.

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