Standing down

[FlySolo]

Harvey

Nice to hear from you. How are you? I wonder often how you're doing.

Yes, you are right, I was the one who was ultimately responsible for my 'stuckness'. It is easy to see from a distance, but when you're in the midst of it, well, you know what they say about the woods and the trees. I will say, he did not make it easy to move on. I do not take all the responsibility. The dishonesty and lack of transparency, the always checking in on me. The partner/non-partner BS. That's on him. But I let him do it

I often think of it as a blessing in disguise. I know that this wasn't the life i had planned. But I also know even if he got down on one knee and said he wanted to try, that my answer would be no. Not because of the pain he caused me since he left, but I know, that I am more than the woman he made me feel in the 12 months or more leading up to the separation. He made me feel worthless. And I let him. I am not that woman anymore. He cannot come back.

Anyway, that doesn't mean that I wish him ill or there is resentment. He was disappointed with his life. So, he lashed out at the person who he thought caused it. I don't think he did it with intentional malice. Hurt people hurt people.

Anyway, how are the girls? Well I hope?

FS

[FlySolo]

I read through your sitch and it's VERY similar to mine. My X was involved with someone the whole time and wouldn't be honest about it.

I think there are a couple of different 'types' of people who walk. There is the utter b***rds who burn everything in their wake (Harvey's was one) and then others who are 'sneaky' about it, pretending to be the good guy/girl, hedging their bets and justifying their lack of transparency on the grounds that they're doing it to protecting us and not cause us unnecessary harm. The actions may be different, but the intentions are the same - they are trying to find something that they think is missing from their lives.

I say good luck to them. I hope they find whatever it is they are looking for. Just leave me the f out of it.

I am glad you're turning a corner. With each reveal we cut that rope off a little more until there is only a sliver of it left. You will cry each time you find something out. But each time will be less than the last time until he tells you something, or a friend tells you something, and you realise, actually, you don't care. For me it was finding out that he had taken the children away overnight with his GF - he had only told me about her a month before. They had stayed in the same hotel room with the children. He didn't even have the courage to tell me. One of the children accidentally let slip a couple of days later. I knew there was no respect left for me in him. I was done.

I can't promise that your life will be a bed of roses, but it will be YOUR life. You will make your own decisions based on what is best for you emotionally, physically and financially. And once that lens of 'who we were/who we could be' is no restricting your view, you will see that the world is a be bigger and brighter (ok - not at the moment) than the world you once inhabited with him.

You will be fine Hope. I know it because I am fine and I was a pretty hopeless case.

[97Hope]

Thank you so much for this, Fly.

Yes, each new revelation stings, but less and less and I feel the weight of him slipping. He weighed a ton. He was never happy, satisfied...etc. etc.

I am free now. You are right. My life is my own.

The kids are now embroiled in a drama with him about when the A started and I am just glad I don't have anything to do with it anymore. It was a relief. It hurt, but I realized that I was free.

Thank you for the encouragement. (((fly)))

[FlySolo]

((Hope)) - good luck with the D. Stand your ground girl.

You got this x

[Yail]

I was wondering about your Ds. Thank you for sharing, I'm so sorry it's so hard right now. The path of least resistance -your Goldilocks path of not to hard and not too soft- seems the best way forward, and I'm sorry that it's so long and exhausting. The only way through is through, right?

Platonic friends are gold right now. They are the relationships that are keeping us all going across the world. My dearest BFF and I have grown closer through the pandemic by just texting more often, checking-in on one another. Way too many silly GIFs texted. If we socialize in person (very, very rare) we are outside and masked as is our local mandate. I'm glad you have your platonic friend bubbled. Movies and meals sounds like what the majority of us need. I spent the winter break doing just that.

My institution sent students home after Thanksgiving break and extended winter break, so students won't move back for a few more weeks. This has meant that we all returned to work from home since mid November. This means my crushes have largely dwindled, because I lost interest when there was no one to look at or chat with. The initial crush I had on a woman for nearly a year faded a while back and I see her in a platonic light. A nice person, great coworker. The other new flirtation crush also has faded naturally. Who knows if it picks up when we are back to seeing one another in person again - I'm not too concerned. I am very content being single. She's cute but doesn't seem interested aside from the occasional odd flirtation and I need a little more to go on to stay invested.

Mostly these days I'm thinking of re-doing my look again since I'm stuck at home. Who cares if I make a mistake, right? I've never in my life had long nails or a professional manicure but I'm kind of wanting black-matte coffin acrylics. I need my bleach blond underlayer re-dyed and my hair shortened. I'm going to get a razer to cut a slit in my eyebrow (all the lezzies are doing it and I'm sitting here jealous). I'm considering another floral tattoo on my other thigh that cascades down my leg. I have to wait on the nails and hair professionally, but could maybe get a bottle of bleach and black lacquer to do at home versions myself. Sounds great :-D

Stay well, my friend, and stay in touch. I enjoy hearing stories of the mundane to know you are well.

[FlySolo]

haha my mental image of you continues to get richer and richer (though probably wildly off-base).

I think you would get on well with my youngest - obsessed with anime and cosplay. She wanted nothing but wigs and costumes and make-up for Christmas. Not so she could Kardasian herself (I I would be mortified if that were the case), but so she could become a steampunk rebel or an anime warrior princess.

I am always telling her her weird is her wonderful

How joyous would a haircut be !!! Those luxury's seem a world away right now.

How are you coping without the distractions of work. I have been working from home since March last year, and I know without the consistency of work, I would be going insane.

[Yail]

I don't know if youngest is into sewing, but it's a great creative outlet if she's into cosplay or steampunk aesthetic. Such a big community she can join too! Would her sister help her and could it be something they create together? Her weird IS wonderful. At Halloween our work had a small distanced costume event where I dressed as a sort of goth circus leader (work is currently a $&!7-show so I declared myself leader of the circus :-D). I wore a coat I sewed many years ago and wear nearly every Halloween. Simplicity Pattern 2172 if you look it up - it's just the underbust floor length coat but I made it in black. It's kinda cool.

I do have some distractions of work - I still go in to work once or twice a week, and I do see some students and coworkers there though very briefly. But yes, it's different. I'm doing a lot of cooking, trying to still hike/walk for many miles to clear my head and loosen my legs from being sedentary, and classes started back up again on Monday. Plus I got back into sewing myself, so I have some projects going. But I know what you mean - I can't decide if I'm thriving or missing out on life.

I always imaging you're so incredibly busy. Full time work, full time mom, managing change, staying social, staying fit. But do you think you'd have capacity for an online course of any kind? Would you ever? I imagine this is an especially difficult part of the pandemic for most everyone. Anything new that you're enjoying just for yourself and your own interess?

[FlySolo]

Just a quickish update:

1. I am still NOT divorced though we are on the final lap. We have agreed most things. I agreed to everything he asked for. This is not roll over and play dead, it's me knowing the fight is not worth the prize. He can have his slice of the pie, I will just bake another one.

2. I am still in the effing house. This is the one that gets me and was probably the driver for my wanting to get the D over and done with quickly. He has steadfastly said he will not sell the house until the D is finalised. Meanwhile, I am paying a fortune in mortgage each month for a 5 bedroom house that only houses me 50% of the time and he still treats as if it is his.

3. I started a new job in March. Huge pay cut but more career opportunities. In the past I always took jobs for how much it paid and how flexible they could be in terms of my being a working mum. I was a mum first and foremost. Now, with my kids getting bigger, and the pressure off to finance the middle class aspirational lifestyle that my ex was so desperate for, I can take a job that I want, not a job that suits.

4. I am still single. I've had the odd romance, but nothing worth writing about.

5. My eldest (now nearly 15) and I still have a difficult relationship. Back in my early newbie days, I used the rock analogy - weather the storms, be patient etc. Don't push, don't pull - just be there. The lessons I learned in those early days didn't help me to R, but they were well learned, and I now try and be the rock for her. Some days are harder than others.

6. I have managed to travel a little this year - I have a wonderers soul and I didn't even know it.

That's it - not a deep introspective post, but it gives you some idea of where I'm at.

I came here three years ago desperate for answers, quick solutions to a problem I thought could be fixed, if only someone taught me how. The truth is there are no quick fixes. But that doesn't mean the lessons we learn here don't work - they just don't always work the way you wanted them too.

FS

[may22]

Hi FS,

So good to hear from you! Glad to hear about the job and the traveling. It also sounds like you're working through the relationship with your eldest well even though it is tough. Fingers crossed things move forward smoothly with the D and the house. I think of you often and am so glad you checked in.

xoxo May

[BL42]

FlySolo,

Just read through your latest thread. 3.5+ years...that's quite a long run. I'm glad you were able to stand for what you thought was right for so long, and also take the steps needed when it came to that. It sounds like you're accepting of, and happy with, where you are right now in life, so that's great. I don't have much to add except to say I appreciate you coming back and updating the board on your status. I think it helps to hear peoples' stories not just during the worst moments but ongoing with how they've grown and life has evolved. I do remember reading some of your story when I first joined here a year ago in the heart of my sitch (references to bunny boilers and Aesop's toiletries lol). Hope you continue to do well in life.