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FlySolo #2901081 08/01/20 07:57 AM
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I'm glad you had the good talk with your MIL, FS. The birthday dinner sounds sad, and difficult, but also a bit of a watershed moment - you've had that experience now, and next time, if you choose that there will be one - will be better. And things are thawing with D13 too. Everything is moving, very slowly, into a new normal. Eventually the family birthday dinners and different sort of relationship with MIL and perhaps even a more friendly relationship with H will evolve very slowly.

I have rib cage tattoos. Two very large ones: a lioness on one side and a lotus on the other. I've also had a natural childbirth and I don't think the tattoos were that painful, but they were definitely the second most painful. It took three hours!

FlySolo #2901139 08/02/20 11:49 AM
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A watery facsimile of you, FS. I imagine you have a strong, vibrant personality, so maybe he can't handle that and wants a more boring version of you?! Glad to hear you are doing ok, you sound like you're in an ok place and moving forward. Hopefully in time H can be civil and reasonable (hoping for the same from mine too...)
I wish we could meet sometime, that would be so cool! Enjoy the tattoo!

FlySolo #2901825 08/11/20 08:30 AM
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The watery facsimile made me smile Dilly. Thank you. I needed a laugh that day.

And I think you are right. I am vibrant and I am beautiful and I am successful - note I have my faults, hubris being on top of that list smile Perhaps after all these years his insecurities got the better of him. Perhaps he felt that once he'd reached the pinnacle of his profession I would be more deferring. I would be more in awe of him. But that's not my way. So, he pushed me down. Found fault and became dismissive of my successes and resentful of the fact that those successes came with little apparent effort. Little insults. Little jabs. And when that didn't work, bigger insults, harder jabs designed to make me feel insecure and pull me into fights. Unconsciously laying the foundations for "this is not working". He could never articulate his feelings because he would never admit to being insecure around me. But the irony is, I didn't even know I was any of those things because no-one had ever brought into question my sense of self. My sense of self was grounded in my family. In him. Not my job, or my friends or my appearance. If not happy, I was definitely content. And unfortunately, contentment breeds complacency.

Anyway, that's my random stream of unconsciousness for the day.

So, my girls have been gone since Saturday. He was served Friday and has yet to mention it. I saw him in person twice (friday and saturday) and have exchanged messages (about the girls) a number of times since they went away. Mainly "Is it OK to call now?" "Yes, they have just finished dinner".

I went on a date Saturday night which went really well and I woke up in someone else's bed. It felt strange waking up with someone wrapped around me. He held me so tight I felt a little suffocated. I made a hasty exit and then spent the day sleeping and wondering WTF is wrong with me. He was nice. His apartment was nice (great collection of books, good toiletries, records and he had plants !!!). But I still ran. I did write to say I was sorry for running off and he responded that it was OK and we would catch up after my trip from Croatia. Oh, and for the record, he is 34 and really fit. I had another date booked for Sunday but I cancelled - that's the fourth date I've cancelled in two weeks. I wonder if there is now something fundamentally broken in me now ...


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

FlySolo #2901856 08/11/20 04:51 PM
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Nope nope nope not broken and nothing wrong with you.

But maybe not ready for what you "think" you want. Maybe the brief encounters are totally and completely fine for now and you don't need to date.

It sounds to me like you're trying to follow some kind of rules about how you should be dating or how you should act on a date. Or that you should be dating at all because you've served H. I vote you drop those expectations of yourself. If you don't want to date, don't date. If you want to date but don't want to stay for coffee in the morning, don't stay for coffee. But do it without regret or beating yourself up over it. Or apologizing.

I'm in yet another new place after my D which is why I have this perspective. I'm so happy being single right now. Not in a "yay girl power I don't need anyone else" kind of way but just in a "I honestly have very little interest in the BS" kind of way. I think it's authentic - I don't think it's fear or some other overwhelming emotion driving me. I think I just am embracing the fact that I don't have to follow the rules (introduction> date> date> relationship>sex). If other people expect me to date that's on them. I'm writing the script from now on.

We don't have to stay just because someone has nice toiletries and plants (although omg I laughed at the toiletries being something you noticed. I probably would too). You can have a nice quick connection and let it dissipate in the morning and not feel guilt over that.

I guess what I'm saying is I know you're still under quite a bit of stress with your way forward. I hope you take the stress of your own expectations of yourself off the table and just do whatever you want to do.

Did you ever go back for the second tat?

FlySolo #2901878 08/11/20 07:02 PM
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I know. I was just having a bit of a pity party over here.

I honestly don't have any expectations with the dating. I've been on 4 now (and cancelled or just not turned up to 4). 3 of them were a wash - 2 hours of pleasant chat. I wasn't expecting anything on Saturday either. Which is why I think I freaked out a bit. That and I loved everything about his flat. From his books (he had A Thousand Splendid Suns, the Odysee and some random Stephen King) to his vinyl collection to the fact that there was real art work on his walls.

And yes the toiletries comment - All the products in his bathroom was from a shop called Aesops. I love Aesops but never bought it because I'd get told off for wasting 20 quid on shampoo. I now have nothing but Aesops products in my bathroom. If you get it in the states, invest in a thing called poo drops. It will change your life smile.

So I freaked out because he was perfect. And I am not ready for perfect.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

FlySolo #2901888 08/11/20 08:35 PM
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I think you just aren’t ready to date yet. There is nothing wrong with that. Take some you time. And it would do a favor to those who are ready to date and yet they keep getting cancelled on by someone who isn’t ready.

It’s ok to not be ready yet

FlySolo #2901891 08/11/20 10:13 PM
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Your last statement was a fair statement to make. I could see myself in that same situation of having fun, but then realizing you want more but kind of also really don't want more so you have to stop before it gets real. That's fair.

But on the bright side I hope you had a nice time and got to flirt and use your charms and feel generally awesome about your awesome self.

FlySolo #2901907 08/12/20 01:36 AM
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A guy will come along that you'll know is right for you. When that happens, take it slow. You'll want to make that guy wait a few dates before boom boom. smile Until then, have some fun. Try not to stress about it.

Last edited by harvey; 08/12/20 01:37 AM.
FlySolo #2901919 08/12/20 08:04 AM
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Thanks all

Ginger - I don't think it is that I am not ready. But I do take your point re the cancelling being unfair on the others. In my defense, in two of the cases after we had arranged to meet, red flags came up, i.e. wanted to meet at their flat (I said no and it was changed to a pub near their flat), talked a lot about the way I looked (and not in a flirty way) and just generally said things that sent danger signals. The last two I have no excuses for. So, less not ready, more not fully committed to the process and that lack of commitment is stemmed in fear.

Yail - I think you probably hit in on the head. As you know, I have nothing against one night stands. Nothing against casual relationships. I am a woman in my 40s FFS and believe that people should do what makes them happy as long as they are safe and no-one is going to get hurt. The thing that struck me is that he represented everything I value (books, art, music and yes, even toiletries). And that's scary. What if for him, this was a one night thing. What if we continue and I open up my life to him (with all it's imperfections and complications) and he runs. And I know it is fruitless to worry about that will happen. But in that moment, and without understanding why, I ran.

Harvey - that horse has bolted. But, yes generally, I do like to wait a little while before the boom smile


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

FlySolo #2901931 08/12/20 02:21 PM
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FS...I think you just got your first glimpse of the possibility that there might be another life out there for you and it scared you because that would mean you had really left your old life behind...which you haven’t quite done yet, IMO. This guy sparked something in you, you could actually see yourself with him and that was really, really scary. It sent you down a road of what if’s that illuminated all of your fears and insecurities that naturally come up when you have gone through that trauma of an unwanted divorce. It shakes you to your core. So I have some other what if thoughts... What if for him, this wasn’t a one night stand? What if you continue and you open up your life to him and he stays? My advice... if he calls and asks you out again, go out with him. But maybe do something during the day outside so you don’t necessarily end up at his place again?

I think that your experience on Saturday was a good one FS. It illuminated some things that you were not aware of and you know where you are at emotionally and what you have to work on still. But besides that, I think it showed you that you are wounded, yes, but definitely NOT broken. Yay!!! (((HUGS)))

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