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Yesterday held several highs and one extreme low...

I walked S5 to his first full-day of Kindergarten in the morning. It was a proud (and emotional) moment to see him walk away and into the school building without me. I picked him up after school with some silly string cans left over from Father's Day and sprayed him (off school property) and then gave him and his friends some cans to play with. He said "that was a good surprise dad!". We played on the playground, and in the evening I coached his soccer practice...he had a blast running around and playing soccer in all the rain/mist.

Unfortunately after a wonderful day he had a meltdown at home that night, sobbing uncontrollably for 45 MINUTES saying "I want mommy! I miss mommy!" and crying :-( I felt so helpless to fix my son's sadness. All I could do was hug/validate/reassure him. At least he's getting out his feelings? My mom, who has been his "safe person" who he's opening up to about the sadness/hurt more than me, came by halfway through and hugged him as well and talked to him. S5 ended up crying himself to sleep while in my arms and I eventually took him upstairs and put him to bed. Extremely tough moment. I'm obviously having to deal with hurt too, but at this point I'm more distraught at the hurt my W's betrayal is causing my children than me personally.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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I bought a brand new SUV today! It's actually a bit of a 180 for me because I typically have a sedan and them into the ground (bought my previous one slightly used and owned it for 13 years / over 100k miles), but looked at the purchase as a "Treat Yo Self" type of thing and figured a larger/more reliable was better with the kids, considering we're now a one vehicle household.


Hey-hey, good for you!

Quote
This morning was S5's first day of Kindergarten so I decorated the house with signs, balloons, and ribbons in the school's colors, and we had a big pancake breakfast with my parents. He was very excited, so that was cool.


Oh, that's so sweet. Ever consider going into the business of coordinating special events? wink

Quote
I walked S5 to his first full-day of Kindergarten in the morning. It was a proud (and emotional) moment to see him walk away and into the school building without me. I picked him up after school with some silly string cans left over from Father's Day and sprayed him (off school property) and then gave him and his friends some cans to play with. He said "that was a good surprise dad!". We played on the playground, and in the evening I coached his soccer practice...he had a blast running around and playing soccer in all the rain/mist.


Wow! You really made the day special for him. You gave him a wonderful memory to cherish.

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Unfortunately after a wonderful day he had a meltdown at home that night, sobbing uncontrollably for 45 MINUTES saying "I want mommy! I miss mommy!" and crying :-( I felt so helpless to fix my son's sadness. All I could do was hug/validate/reassure him. At least he's getting out his feelings? My mom, who has been his "safe person" who he's opening up to about the sadness/hurt more than me, came by halfway through and hugged him as well and talked to him. S5 ended up crying himself to sleep while in my arms and I eventually took him upstairs and put him to bed. Extremely tough moment. I'm obviously having to deal with hurt too, but at this point I'm more distraught at the hurt my W's betrayal is causing my children than me personally.


That's heartbreaking to read, and it must have felt as if your guts were being gouged out. Nothing hurts worse than to see our innocent babies suffer. (((hugs)))

IDK what to tell you, b/c you seem to have the Dad role down real good. If she ever comes to her senses, she's going to be hit with a lot of guilt.........if she comes all the way back. Only time will tell.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by BL42
Unfortunately after a wonderful day he had a meltdown at home that night, sobbing uncontrollably for 45 MINUTES saying "I want mommy! I miss mommy!" and crying :-( I felt so helpless to fix my son's sadness. All I could do was hug/validate/reassure him. At least he's getting out his feelings? My mom, who has been his "safe person" who he's opening up to about the sadness/hurt more than me, came by halfway through and hugged him as well and talked to him. S5 ended up crying himself to sleep while in my arms and I eventually took him upstairs and put him to bed. Extremely tough moment. I'm obviously having to deal with hurt too, but at this point I'm more distraught at the hurt my W's betrayal is causing my children than me personally.


I raised three children to past age 20 and I can say categorically that your son, while he may not get his mommy, also needs the comfort and safety of a mother figure. I'll make a suggestion -- as long as you trust your mom (and I assume you do), let him develop a strong bond with her and try not to be envious of that, even as you struggle with the loss of your marriage and the breakup of your family. On weekends and during summer, let him spend the night at her house. Boys need both male and female to grow up healthy, and you mom could fill the bill given her love for him.

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sandi2,

I appreciate the support.

Originally Posted by sandi2
That's heartbreaking to read, and it must have felt as if your guts were being gouged out. Nothing hurts worse than to see our innocent babies suffer. (((hugs)))

It was one of the worst moments in all this to-date. I'm much more in control of my emotions than I was a few months ago, but it was devastating to see my son break down. It's one thing for me to be hurting, it's another thing entirely for my children to be hurt. At least I was there to hug him, hold him, and tell him I love him.

Originally Posted by sandi2
IDK what to tell you, b/c you seem to have the Dad role down real good. If she ever comes to her senses, she's going to be hit with a lot of guilt.........if she comes all the way back. Only time will tell.

Thanks! I love my children so much and took great pride in being an involved dad even before BD, and if anything this sitch strengthened that resolve. I'm going to do everything in my power to stay as involved in their lives as much as I can (within my control).

I'd like to think she'll have regrets and even come to her senses, but certainly no signs of it at this point.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
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Originally Posted by tom_h
I raised three children to past age 20 and I can say categorically that your son, while he may not get his mommy, also needs the comfort and safety of a mother figure. I'll make a suggestion -- as long as you trust your mom (and I assume you do), let him develop a strong bond with her and try not to be envious of that, even as you struggle with the loss of your marriage and the breakup of your family. On weekends and during summer, let him spend the night at her house. Boys need both male and female to grow up healthy, and you mom could fill the bill given her love for him.

I didn't mean to imply W didn't see the kids at all - she still has then for a good percentage of the time - though I have them a majority of nights and more days at this point. That said, you're absolutely right - my mom has been a godsend through all this. She previously babysat him 4 days a week in the first few years of his life and lives right down the street now, so he's very close with her. My parents have been cooking dinners and helping me with the kids many evenings and S5 feels comfortable playing at her house and opening up to grandma. I trust her completely, and am glad she can be his "safe person" and help him feel secure and comforted during this difficult change in his life. I think it's a good thing for him to experience the stability of my parents' relationship and my mom loving him and being there for him no matter what, in contrast to my W's recent decisions - hopefully that'll help model a more stable environment & relationship for him and help in his future.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
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Yesterday was now D2's birthday. I didn't get to spend time with her on her actual birthday, which sucked, but tried to make the most of it though by having a small party for her the day before (when I had her). My parents, sister, BIL, niece/goddaughter came and I decided to invite FIL/SMIL who have been supportive to make sure they weren't excluded. I blew up balloons, hung streamers, and put up pictures of Minnie around the house. D2 was excited in the morning seeing everything. My mom and S5 made a Minnie Mouse cake (with whom D2 is obsessed). S5 was very proud of doing most of the cake decorations himself and D2 excitedly brought people into the kitchen to show it off. D2 later made us light the candles and sing happy birthday about two dozen times while she blew them out, then proceeded to lick the cake and dig right into it with a spoon. Nice moments with my daughter :-)

I wish we didn't have to divide up time with the kids, especially for special events, but have to keep reminding myself it's beyond my control...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
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BL42 Offline OP
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Need some advice...

I had some back and forth tonight with W regarding the kids' schedule over text message. I've been trying to handle those items over email but she initiated over text. W & I had previously discussed this particular week (and in general weeks going forward) and agreed on the kids coming over in the morning before school. Tonight she texted me stating (not asking) that D2 would stay at home tomorrow and be watched by her grandmother instead of coming over with me. I kept my responses firm but not mean and requested she stick to our agreed upon schedule, but she is simply not going to bring D2 over in the morning...so I stopped responding.

I plan to email L the conversation tomorrow to get advice from a legal perspective, but what's the right way to respond from a DB perspective? The thing is, I'd actually have no issue with her grandmother watching the kids if she had asked me in advance, but objected to the way she unilaterally decided to change the plan without consulting me let alone get my agreement. The kids are only 5 and 2, so we have a long road ahead...how do I balance being flexible with setting a bad precedent for unliteral changes in the future?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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BL,

Well, you can't control her and any attempt to stand your ground will come off that way. The best thing to do, you have already done. Notified your lawyer.

I just skimmed through your sitch, and I'm sorry you have ended up here, but I'm also glad that you have found this forum. You will get the best advice, more than any money can buy.

Stay steady for the kids, if an action can't be back with legal consequence/paperwork than the best you can do is state your opinion, because that's what it will be, she won't HAVE to listen or follow what you tell her. So any attempt will end in frustration. Just know, time and patience will get you through.

IMO, just state to her in a text message, that the best thing is for you two to talk about changes in the future. Put in a place where you can record your statement to her and her response. Don't go back and forth with her, which I've seen you have already not done.

Good job.

Stay strong


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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joejoe1,

I appreciate you chiming in.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
Well, you can't control her and any attempt to stand your ground will come off that way. The best thing to do, you have already done. Notified your lawyer.

I was looking at it in terms of "you can't nice her back" and how much do I let things like this slide early and set a bad precedent where I'll get walked over even more down the road, but I can see how it could be seen as controlling. Maybe I should've just let it roll off me. I don't really object to her grandmother watching D2 as much as her deviating from our agreed to plan at the last minute without consulting me.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
I just skimmed through your sitch, and I'm sorry you have ended up here, but I'm also glad that you have found this forum. You will get the best advice, more than any money can buy.

Thanks for taking the time - it's been great to hear everyone's feedback so far.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
Stay steady for the kids, if an action can't be back with legal consequence/paperwork than the best you can do is state your opinion, because that's what it will be, she won't HAVE to listen or follow what you tell her. So any attempt will end in frustration. Just know, time and patience will get you through.

Will do. I'm doing everything I can to be there for the kids. I'm doing fairly well over all at focusing on the kids, work, and GAL and not getting wrapped up in the sitch and drama but there are certain triggers like these exchanges which get me riled up. I need to keep working on the patience and not letting those situations get to me.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
IMO, just state to her in a text message, that the best thing is for you two to talk about changes in the future. Put in a place where you can record your statement to her and her response. Don't go back and forth with her, which I've seen you have already not done.

I asked her to stick to our agreed upon schedule and in the future review proposed changes to it in advance, but admittedly went back and forth a few times before dropping it. I probably should've stated it once, and moved on. I think it was a combination of losing more time with D2 and being told the plan was changing vs. being asked.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
Stay strong

Thanks, I'm trying!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Originally Posted by BL42
Need some advice...but what's the right way to respond from a DB perspective? The thing is, I'd actually have no issue with her grandmother watching the kids if she had asked me in advance, but objected to the way she unilaterally decided to change the plan without consulting me let alone get my agreement.
Been there, done that.

If it becomes a pattern, then set a boundary you can enforce.

I have started many Emails chains with this pattern:

It appears there is some confusion regarding "Topic XYZ". I would like to reach a "Topic XYZ" agreement with you. I see two options that are best for our children. Option A. Option B. Do either of these work for you? If not, do you have another suggestion? If I do not hear back from you by "Reasonable deadline". I will (some type of action on you part). Thanks for your attention to this matter. Regards, R2C

Some actions I have used:
1) initiate mediation process to help us come to resolution
2) consider this matter closed (even though I don't think it is the right choice) and stick with our original agreement


Two great threads on boundaries:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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