Husband said we are done in March. From end of feb he was getting close to a colleague at work and i found messages on his computer between them and he basically ended our marriage the next day. Saying that it has nothing to do with her, and its about the fact he wasnt happy and i ruined our marriage by ignoring him. So that was 4 months ago! And he now wants to talk divorce, well he talks a lot, but his words never materialise into actions.
He was messing with my head for the first two months as we continued to live together, but then i asked him to leave, when it all came out that him and this girl werent just friends, but they were sleeping together in fact. We have two kids, who simply think that dad works a lot at the moment. He is cold when here in person at our marital home, our communication is better over txt, i try not to initiate it.
I feel much less emotional about the whole thing, we dont argue, dont talk about our marriage, but there is still a lot of us in each others lives because of the kids.
We still have joint accounts, kids know nothing and we havent made any decisions about the house.
He wants to talk about living arrangements going forward, money and wants childcare 50/50. Which im not happy to agree with him. He works full time and the kids are 4 and 6,they need a lot of attention still and will obviously need some emotional support when we tell them.
He wants to start divorce proceedings, i have explained to him that i dont believe in divorce, but if its something that he feels he needs to do then he has to do it.
I always validate his feelings, but i know that i will struggle with the conversation around children.
He has left us and tbh has barely been here for the boys in the last 4 months and all he brings is a lot of negativity and just bad energy. He is inconsistent, late when he is due to have them when i need to go to work and intent on bringing the young girl he is seeing into their lives.
Any tips on how to approach this.
I have read mort fertels book and its great for marriages that are in trouble, but we are sort of more that just a bit of trouble.
We are on the brink of divorce and currently separated with him seeing someone else.
Just to note this relationship of his is inappropriate at work and noone knows. Its all a big secret and he no longer really speaks to his family, well he doesnt tell them anything about her.
There are many lies where he will tell me things about her and how great she is and how his family offered to meet her-that is not true! Is this normal for him to make the relationship more significant than it actually is?! Is he saying this to hurt me? He also doesnt consider that he cheated on me because technically they havent had sex until after he said we are done! So he laughed in my face when i said you cheated on me!
He says we will never be together and that i need to stop having hope.
He is very up and down in terms of his emotional state, one week crying and begging to help him with something (manipulation) next week all cocky and saying lets get a divorce, we need to move forward.
Yesterday he went as far as lying to me about what he is doing with the kids, taking them to the beach with her and then lying some more! When i came back from work, the girl was sitting in his car for a good 30 minutes whilst waiting for him. I have specifically said that this is my boundary and he needs to plan his personal life on the days when he isnt with kids, but he is just intent on trying to get her involved and show her he is a great dad and that she is part of his life. I cant imagine the amount of bullshit he has told her!
We haven't lived together for 2 months now and what feels like simply coasting and nothing is actually happening.
He has lost weight, lots of new clothes etc. I dont know if this is all part of MLC?!
Last edited by job; 07/21/2005:26 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your H betrayed you with an EA, may have re-written history, and began a physical relationship immediately after informing you that you two were over.
It sounds like a big part of your journey will be learning to let go of what you don't control.
Originally Posted by Gigi
When i came back from work, the girl was sitting in his car for a good 30 minutes whilst waiting for him. I have specifically said that this is my boundary and he needs to plan his personal life on the days when he isnt with kids, but he is just intent on trying to get her involved and show her he is a great dad and that she is part of his life.!
That's not a boundary. A boundary seeks to control you. A boundary is, "I don't want to be cursed at, so if he does that, I will hang up or walk away". A boundary is, "Seeing her hurts me, so if I see her, I will walk away. There's a whole thread on boundaries on here worth checking out.
What you're actually doing is trying to tell him what to do, trying to control him. That's not likely to make him look backwards, and you can't control him unless he allows you to.
Originally Posted by Gigi
He wants to talk about living arrangements going forward, money and wants childcare 50/50. Which im not happy to agree with him.
Be happy, angry, or neutral--he will still generally get 50/50. He's their parent, too, and you two have equal or nearly equal parental rights in most jurisdictions.
Originally Posted by Gigi
late when he is due to have them
Well, that's not acceptable. Consider this when drafting a custody agreement. Mine defines "late" as 30min late. The late party can be declined their whole custody window. I know others who simply document it until the court issues a warning or takes away some percentage of custody.
Originally Posted by Gigi
He is cold when here in person at our marital home, our communication is better over txt, i try not to initiate it.. there is still a lot of us in each others lives because of the kids.. There are many lies where he will tell me things about her and how great she is and how his family offered to meet her
Why are you having these discussions? None of that sounds like essential interactions you'd have due to mutual kids, e.g. at hand-off "Johnny's got a temperature today, I gave him 200mg Ibuprofen at 6am."
Originally Posted by Gigi
Just to note this relationship of his is inappropriate at work and noone knows. Its all a big secret and he no longer really speaks to his family, well he doesnt tell them anything about her.
Exposure is a contentious topic. He says he was clear with you it was over before he got physical with anyone. Has he been telling others you and he are done, or that's a secret?
Sorry you're here. My dog's name is Gigi so it's obviously the best name in the world so congrats on that!
The basics of your actions are:
1. Stop pursuing. 2. GAL (go out with friends, explore new (or old) hobbies, grow as a person. Your personality will dictate how this looks in detail. 3. Time and space.
Your husband had an emotional affair (EA) at a minimum and obviously you can't believe him on his timeline for when it became a physical affair either. From now on you should apply the DB saying "believe nothing he says and only half of what he does". He's lying, he's trying to make himself feel better, he's trying to justify everything to everyone - it's a bit of a whirlwind. But you have your own whilrwind to deal with. You have to detach from him. Drop the emotion and see things clearly. Take the bite off of your words, and more importantly off of his.
Quote
There are many lies where he will tell me things about her and how great she is and how his family offered to meet her-that is not true! Is this normal for him to make the relationship more significant than it actually is?! Is he saying this to hurt me? He also doesnt consider that he cheated on me because technically they havent had sex until after he said we are done! So he laughed in my face when i said you cheated on me!
It is normal for him to pump up his affair. I wouldn't call it a relationship since he is married. He is trying to justify and feel better himself rather than hurt you. He is a pompous jerk for denying cheating, but I wouldn't bring it up again. It is what MWD calls a "cheeseless tunnel", meaning there is nothing down that path for you.
Go live your life and make your life great again. Seriously. Make it the best you can. Be a great woman, a great mother, a great friend, a great reader. Anything you want. Take advantage of this gift of time he has given you.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Husband said we are done in March. From end of feb he was getting close to a colleague at work and i found messages on his computer between them and he basically ended our marriage the next day. Saying that it has nothing to do with her, and its about the fact he wasnt happy and i ruined our marriage by ignoring him. So that was 4 months ago! And he now wants to talk divorce, well he talks a lot, but his words never materialise into actions.
He was messing with my head for the first two months as we continued to live together, but then i asked him to leave, when it all came out that him and this girl werent just friends, but they were sleeping together in fact. We have two kids, who simply think that dad works a lot at the moment. He is cold when here in person at our marital home, our communication is better over txt, i try not to initiate it.
I feel much less emotional about the whole thing, we dont argue, dont talk about our marriage, but there is still a lot of us in each others lives because of the kids.
We still have joint accounts, kids know nothing and we havent made any decisions about the house.
He wants to talk about living arrangements going forward, money and wants childcare 50/50. Which im not happy to agree with him. He works full time and the kids are 4 and 6,they need a lot of attention still and will obviously need some emotional support when we tell them.
He wants to start divorce proceedings, i have explained to him that i dont believe in divorce, but if its something that he feels he needs to do then he has to do it.
Don't expect much here. WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to D. Most of the time they will just go ahead and start their new life, moving in with OP, and letting the legal aspect of their marriage languish. At first, the LBS sees this as a positive thing. If they haven't filed for D, then there is still hope! That is a fallacy. What ends up happening is the WAS has moved on and is living their new life. The LBS is stuck because with no D they aren't really moving forward with their life. Eventually the LBS will get fed and file for D themselves. I am telling you this because you've stated that you are opposed to D (admirable). But I encourage you to understand that almost in every culture, infidelity is an appropriate reason for ending a marriage. Take your time, don't do it before you are ready, but be ready to eventually move on from him and his crazy.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I always validate his feelings, but i know that i will struggle with the conversation around children.
He has left us and tbh has barely been here for the boys in the last 4 months and all he brings is a lot of negativity and just bad energy. He is inconsistent, late when he is due to have them when i need to go to work and intent on bringing the young girl he is seeing into their lives.
Any tips on how to approach this.
You cannot control him. We see a lot of formerly good moms and dads become terrible parents once they go wayward. This behavior form him is typical.....AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. I know this is difficult to hear....and it stinks. But you have no control over what kind of father he is. But you can counterbalance that by being the best mom that you can be!
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I have read mort fertels book and its great for marriages that are in trouble, but we are sort of more that just a bit of trouble.
I studied Mort's writings, even bought his program. And I learned a lot from it. However, I don't necessarily agree with some of his approaches. Like just pretending the A isn't happening. While he is right the A isn't the problem, to ignore something like an A just isn't good advice. He is also more of a preacher of actively trying to reconnect with an obstinate (his term) spouse. I cannot advocate that for a WAS/WS that is actively in a PA. So I respect Mort, and I think his methods can really make strides in some sitches, but it is not for all sitches. If your H ever comes back, and you decide to accept him back, then some of Mort's advice can really help.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
We are on the brink of divorce and currently separated with him seeing someone else.
Just to note this relationship of his is inappropriate at work and noone knows. Its all a big secret and he no longer really speaks to his family, well he doesnt tell them anything about her.
There are many lies where he will tell me things about her and how great she is and how his family offered to meet her-that is not true! Is this normal for him to make the relationship more significant than it actually is?! Is he saying this to hurt me? He also doesnt consider that he cheated on me because technically they havent had sex until after he said we are done! So he laughed in my face when i said you cheated on me!
This is all pretty standard stuff. Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does. Even George Washington type non-liars become major liars once they go wayward. You cannot trust a thing he says at this point.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
He says we will never be together and that i need to stop having hope.
This is a rare moment where he is being honest with you (to steal a line from poster LH).
Originally Posted by Gigi123
He is very up and down in terms of his emotional state, one week crying and begging to help him with something (manipulation) next week all cocky and saying lets get a divorce, we need to move forward.
Typical WS behavior. He is having his cake and eat it too. You need to learn to take his cake away.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Yesterday he went as far as lying to me about what he is doing with the kids, taking them to the beach with her and then lying some more! When i came back from work, the girl was sitting in his car for a good 30 minutes whilst waiting for him. I have specifically said that this is my boundary and he needs to plan his personal life on the days when he isnt with kids, but he is just intent on trying to get her involved and show her he is a great dad and that she is part of his life. I cant imagine the amount of bullshit he has told her!
Gigi, many new LBSs get boundaries wrong. Lots start out thinking boundaries are their way around not trying to control their WAS. The truth is, they are his kids, and as long as they are not physically endangered, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from having her around them. I know it stinks, but that is the truth legally.
A true boundary says that "If he does X, then I will do Y." For instance, most LBSs need to set a boundary on being disrespected by their WAS. "If he start disrespecting me,then I will tell him I refuse to be spoken down to, and then end the conversation and/or walkaway."
A boundary is not "You cannot take the kids around her!" It is unenforceable. Unenforceable boundaries make you look weak and desperate.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
We haven't lived together for 2 months now and what feels like simply coasting and nothing is actually happening.
See above about the laziness of most WASs. He will coast for as long as you allow him to coast.
Originally Posted by Gigi123
He has lost weight, lots of new clothes etc. I dont know if this is all part of MLC?!
So what if it is a MLC? We LBSs spend a lot of time and energy in trying to diagnose our WAS. In fact, I came to this forum 2 1/2 years ago convinced that my W's anti-depressants were causing our problems! Why do we as LBSs do this? Because if we can get to a root cause, then we can attempt to recitify it. This,unfortunately, is false hope. What is going on with your H is complex. There is no easy answer to why. And because of that there is no magic elixir, there is no magic bullet to fix things or him. If it were that easy then this forum wouldn't exist because there would be books telling you exactly what to say and do to fix things.
So if it is a MLC do you know what it changes? Nothing. You still need to remove all pressure and pursuit. You need to pull back and leave him alone to figure out his own crap. You need to turn your focus from him and it put it on yourself. GAL, go out and find the girl you were when you met him! 180, and put into place self-improvements, not to get him back but to be the best you that you can be. And then to detach. Work on getting to a place where you no longer have an emotional response to what he says and does.
Your H may come to his senses. He may not. But what you have in front of you is an opportunity to moving forward to an awesome life! You get to choose to chase an awesome life.....or to remain stuck in place.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Can i just say this is amazing. Although i have outlined my story, in actually living life! I have started horse riding, something i have put off for ages, in happy on my own, because in not constantly affected by his bad day at work etc. My relationship with my kids is much better, they do t stop telling me how much they love me. We have fun, enjoy life, i have become much closer to his family, as he chooses to ignore them.
I dont think he is that interested in having the kids, they are hard work for him, and he is quiet happy to come round to the house on Sunday and spend a bit of time with them.
We do have one major problem, and that is that the kids dont know anything and he keeps telling them that he just has to work a lot at the moment and i cant seem to pin him down to have a conversation around how and whT we will tell the kids. And thats where my problem with him dragging the kids to meet her comes in, kids will just be confused!
We do have one major problem, and that is that the kids dont know anything and he keeps telling them that he just has to work a lot at the moment and i cant seem to pin him down to have a conversation around how and whT we will tell the kids. And thats where my problem with him dragging the kids to meet her comes in, kids will just be confused!
I wouldn't expose the affair to them and would discourage taking sides. They're 4 and 6, after all.
I know when my mother left me but took my brother and sister, I internalized it then (and now) as she didn't take me because she didn't love me as much as them. There eventually was a new woman who to me was "Daddy's friend". Dinner was always better when she visited! Her visits didn't cause me any stress, but I quickly learned talking about her to my mother stressed my mother.
Simple, low-key, and being open to questions works for me as a parent explaining major life changes. "You may have noticed Daddy has a new house. Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along. We both ove you and will always be Mommy and Daddy. Ask anytime if you have questions." I've regretted oversharing, e.g., "She and I aren't girl/boyfriend anymore" once yielded an uncomfortable "Umm.." from my kids. Sometimes their questions are radically different from anything that I could have imagined before the conversation. Often their questions don't come out immediately but an hour or a day later or when a change becomes real.
Thank you, this is really useful. Im going to add a bit more detail, she is 22 and still lives at home with mum and dad, noone knows about their relationship as far as i know, except me. Its a secret affair as he is worried about his reputation at work!
Your latest post speaks spades of your H’s current state (a 22 year old living with her parents??). Poster LH is a hard nut, but has fantastic advice, which I wish I had taken sooner in my situation. And in your situation, I would take LH’s every word as gold. Drop the rope, girl. Let your H go and explore his ‘amazing’ affair. The sooner you do, the quicker it will fizzle. Let him deal with the consequences of ‘coming out’ to his work team, the loss of his family as he knows it, the loss of YOU as plan B. Although you are heartbroken and sad right now, and you won’t believe me when I say it, but YOU have the power right now. Protect those children with your loving bubble of indifference. H is making a bad choice, but you need to make a good life for yourself and your children. A life that only a fool of an H would leave. And whether or not he decides to return to that good life you created (he will at some point, though you may or may have not moved on), you and your children are left with the good life.
And regarding the children, I have so much empathy with where you are at with the 50/50 split. I was the primary caretaker of my kids prior to COVID (H traveled up to 200+ days a year) and I thought my world would end without my kids under my wing 24/7. But having read story after story on this thread, and realizing the reality of the situation, I have come to some truths: the kids are best off with as much time with both parents; you will find that time on your own is empowering and actually makes you a more present and better mother when they are with you; and sadly, despite the best of intentions, your H may find (due to work, his affair or otherwise) that 50/50 isn’t even practical and you will end up with more kid time anyway. So don’t count the chickens before they hatch, and in keeping with my advice above, the sooner your H has to deal with the consequences of his actions, the better off you (and your kiddos) will be.
Hang in there. You’re in the right company on this forum. We’ve got you.
