My wife and I have been separated for four months now. I feel everyone's pain who is on here, this has certainly been the most difficult situation of my life. We are both just shy of 40, we have been together 7 years, it is my first marriage, her third. The walkaway wife scenario fits our situation. I was emotionally absent and a workaholic. She started nagging me a lot over the past year but never discussed our relationship problems or her issues with me, and she said everything was fine whenever I asked her about our marriage. I never took the hint and she became fed up and left me without warning. Since that time we have stayed in constant communication. I responded poorly at first, but quickly realized everything I had done wrong in our marriage. I did not give any affection to my wife, I treated her like a buddy, and I put my job before our marriage. Since our separation I have made drastic changes and because of that she has been confused and unsure about her decision to leave me, and has said that she is considering reconciliation. I was completely emotionally avoidant and it has shocked her that I care so much about her. Since our separation I have progressively behaved less needy, put less pressure on her, and focused more on the friendship aspect of our relationship and making her laugh because discussing our marriage overwhelms her. We talk on the phone once or twice a week, and text each other a lot everyday. I let her initiate contact and try to only respond to her so I'm not pressuring her. However, four months into the separation not much has changed and she is still hesitant to discuss our marriage or spend time together in person. She said she is focusing on improving herself before she can work on us, and that is why she says she is keeping me in limbo.
I wanted to reach out to everyone on here and get some perspective from people in a similar situation. She moved back to her hometown which is halfway across the country. A major motivating factor for her leaving me was to pursue a career opportunity because I never supported her enough in her career, and she hated her job. She moved in with an older guy because she couldn't move in with her parents. She says he is just an old family friend, their relationship is just platonic, and that he has a girlfriend. We have discussed it several times and she knows that I am uncomfortable with her living with another man while we are separated and trying to reconcile our marriage, and she continues to say there is no deep emotional connection or romantic intimacy between them, they are just old friends. I don't really have any evidence to support or deny it, but I'm not an idiot. Just the fact my wife left me without warning and moved in with another man is plenty of reason to be concerned. My question is, how often do walkaway wives lie about leaving their husband for another man? Why would she still be lying to me after four months and torturing me by stringing me along in limbo if she is involved in another relationship with the man she is living with? I would like to believe her, but she lied to me a lot over the past year and demolished our trust so it is very difficult for me to believe her. Honestly, if she is involved with some old guy she is living with I am not really interested in saving our marriage. But, if I am wrong and there is nothing going on between them then I am afraid I would regret filling for divorce.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
sorry you're hear. I initially thought your name was "Booger" and I thought you'd find some humor in that.
Well, she moved out did she? Good, I say. In house separation is no fun anyways. Now you have all the freedom to do what you like. Take this time to grow as a man and become as success in life.
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My question is, how often do walkaway wives lie about leaving their husband for another man? Why would she still be lying to me after four months and torturing me by stringing me along in limbo if she is involved in another relationship with the man she is living with?
All the time. She would do it to keep you as plan B.
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I let her initiate contact and try to only respond to her so I'm not pressuring her. However, four months into the separation not much has changed and she is still hesitant to discuss our marriage or spend time together in person
Good. If she changes her mind she'll tell you about it and until then I wouldn't give it any thought.
I'd be surprised if the "older man" she is living with doesn't have intentions for her and even more surprised if she didn't know it. But, she's gone, moved away and moved on. The best thing for you to do is to just focus on you. Your marriage isn't really a marriage anymore, except on paper. I know that might sting but it can help you get through this to.
Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Hi Bgr, Sorry you are joining us on the board here with the issues you are going though. It's painful, stressful and frustrating.
You're seeking answers and assigning blame. I think there is some merit to spending a tiny amount of time on these things and then being done with them. Get that part over with. Your best outcome is to spend as very little time on those two things as you can personally manage. Its hard and I myself spend too much time doing what Im telling you not to.
Blame wise, at most you may be 50% responsible. Dont take all the blame yourself. Her two previous marriages, did she grow from those? Is a pattern that repeated with you repeating now with her roomate? Answers to these dont help you much but I want you to not put the responsibility of the sitch all on your shoulders.
In regards to the roomate situation, lets flip it around, if you saw yourself as single, would you allow a younger woman going through marital distress live with you if you weren't interested in her. Thats a lot of potential drama. What if the H came after you? We dont know whats truly happening and it may not be what you think but there are red flags. At minimum while you blame yourself for working too hard, if she moved away for a job, she is putting her job over the M.
Originally Posted by Bgr
My question is, how often do walkaway wives lie about leaving their husband for another man? Why would she still be lying to me after four months and torturing me by stringing me along in limbo if she is involved in another relationship with the man she is living with?
What Ovr said and hypergamy. I feel for you Bgr. I hope its not what it seems like. We see in most cases here that it is what it looks like. Stick around, work on youself and read the links Cadet posted if you havent already. The vets here whether they reconciled or not have come out of their situation stronger and with a better outlook.
Last edited by Core; 07/12/2008:36 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Thanks for the responses. Honestly, I'm not worried anymore about seeking answers or assigning blame. This is my first post so I just wanted to provide you guys with an overview of the situation. The two of us went through that the past two months and we were both at fault. My sole concern now is what to do going forward, deciding whether or not I want to continue to go through this limbo state or if I should just file for divorce and move on.
To answer your questions Core, her first husband was abusive and second completely absent. She quit those marriages and filed for divorce immediately. That was her plan initially with me, she started filling out divorce papers the day after she left but she changed her mind after she saw I was willing to acknowledge my faults in our marriage, make changes, and that I cared about her when she thought that I didn't. She hasn't brought up divorce since then. It threw her for a loop and kind of broke up what she thought about men a little. She told me several times that every man in her life has let her down and she is done relying on men and is just going to go it alone.
She left four months ago, right when the corona virus changed everything in all of our lives, and the job she took fell through because of the virus. She is still unemployed and stressed about her career and deciding what to do. She has discussed moving back in with me and establishing her career with me, moving somewhere else, or staying put. She has depression and is very confused about everything in life. She says she wants to get back together but has to fix herself before she can work on us.
Yea, I'm definitely concerned about the older man she is living with. I have more evidence that leads me to believe she is telling the truth than lying, but its obviously concerning. I don't feel like I can do much about it though besides filing for divorce or tolerating it. I thought about giving her the mandate that I go see her and spend a weekend there, or I'm filing. I don't know if that is the right thing to do though.
I definitely agree with you ovrrnbw. I've been focusing on myself and improving everyday. I am in a great spot in life. I am at the top of my career, well respected in my profession, and have a great living situation. She is not in a good place in her life at all right now. It would be a lot easier to move on and keep focusing on myself if she didn't reach out to me all the time and keep me in the "I don't know what I want" and "limbo" place we are at. I don't know if she is stringing me along and keeping me as a "Plan B" as you say, or if she genuinely wants to reconcile our marriage and is slowly working on herself and us. I have told her numerous times that the only thing I expect from her right now is full transparency, and she says she is being completely honest. But....she's a woman, and my experience is that women lie all the time and somehow justify it in their minds as telling the truth.
As above, men generally do not allow a woman to up sticks and move in with them, unless they have intentions.
I suspect he has been floating around for a while, and then on that particular day decided to check if the grass is greaner.
Originally Posted by Bgr
To answer your questions Core, her first husband was abusive and second completely absent. She quit those marriages and filed for divorce immediately. That was her plan initially with me, she started filling out divorce papers the day after she left but she changed her mind after she saw I was willing to acknowledge my faults in our marriage, make changes, and that I cared about her when she thought that I didn't. She hasn't brought up divorce since then. It threw her for a loop and kind of broke up what she thought about men a little. She told me several times that every man in her life has let her down and she is done relying on men and is just going to go it alone.
Relationships are like a career. You have to work at them otherwise you make zero progress. I am not saying it would be hard work every day, but if you are not prepared to work, your career ( or lack of ) goes nowhere. This is the same with any relationship. By the looks of it, your WW just walks - oh i dont like this job, Next.. and will keep doing that - basically she just monkey brached to the next guy..
Re the 2 ex husbands - Red flag - 3 husbands gone by the age of 40 - thats some going.
Who said they were abusive ? her ? My ex told OM3 more fabrications than i can count about me, which always makes me laugh when i think about how their foundations were based on pure fabrication and him jumping in to save her. When she met me, i was told of how awful her previous boyfriend was - I'm guessing she told you a lot of tales and you saw a lady who needed help.. And she will have told the "friend" she is with now how bad you were. Bam Bit of a pattern here. - Read no more Mr nice guy !
Originally Posted by Bgr
She left four months ago, right when the corona virus changed everything in all of our lives, and the job she took fell through because of the virus. She is still unemployed and stressed about her career and deciding what to do. She has discussed moving back in with me and establishing her career with me, moving somewhere else, or staying put. She has depression and is very confused about everything in life. She says she wants to get back together but has to fix herself before she can work on us.
AKA - buying time.. I'm here with my friend, so lets see if i can make this work - If not, ill run back to BGR.. Plan B - Cake Eating - No respect.
Originally Posted by Bgr
Yea, I'm definitely concerned about the older man she is living with. I have more evidence that leads me to believe she is telling the truth than lying, but its obviously concerning. I don't feel like I can do much about it though besides filing for divorce or tolerating it. I thought about giving her the mandate that I go see her and spend a weekend there, or I'm filing. I don't know if that is the right thing to do though.
You focus on you... You... You... You - You can't fix her.. Focus on you
Originally Posted by Bgr
I have told her numerous times that the only thing I expect from her right now is full transparency, and she says she is being completely honest. But....she's a woman, and my experience is that women lie all the time and somehow justify it in their minds as telling the truth.
Believe nothing that they say - Read Sandis rules - Then read them again ! - She is setting you up as Mr Plan B.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
My wife and I have been separated for four months now. I feel everyone's pain who is on here, this has certainly been the most difficult situation of my life. We are both just shy of 40, we have been together 7 years, it is my first marriage, her third. The walkaway wife scenario fits our situation. I was emotionally absent and a workaholic. She started nagging me a lot over the past year but never discussed our relationship problems or her issues with me, and she said everything was fine whenever I asked her about our marriage. I never took the hint and she became fed up and left me without warning. Since that time we have stayed in constant communication. I responded poorly at first, but quickly realized everything I had done wrong in our marriage. I did not give any affection to my wife, I treated her like a buddy, and I put my job before our marriage. Since our separation I have made drastic changes and because of that she has been confused and unsure about her decision to leave me, and has said that she is considering reconciliation. I was completely emotionally avoidant and it has shocked her that I care so much about her. Since our separation I have progressively behaved less needy, put less pressure on her, and focused more on the friendship aspect of our relationship and making her laugh because discussing our marriage overwhelms her. We talk on the phone once or twice a week, and text each other a lot everyday. I let her initiate contact and try to only respond to her so I'm not pressuring her. However, four months into the separation not much has changed and she is still hesitant to discuss our marriage or spend time together in person. She said she is focusing on improving herself before she can work on us, and that is why she says she is keeping me in limbo.
I wanted to reach out to everyone on here and get some perspective from people in a similar situation. She moved back to her hometown which is halfway across the country. A major motivating factor for her leaving me was to pursue a career opportunity because I never supported her enough in her career, and she hated her job. She moved in with an older guy because she couldn't move in with her parents. She says he is just an old family friend, their relationship is just platonic, and that he has a girlfriend. We have discussed it several times and she knows that I am uncomfortable with her living with another man while we are separated and trying to reconcile our marriage, and she continues to say there is no deep emotional connection or romantic intimacy between them, they are just old friends. I don't really have any evidence to support or deny it, but I'm not an idiot. Just the fact my wife left me without warning and moved in with another man is plenty of reason to be concerned. My question is, how often do walkaway wives lie about leaving their husband for another man? Why would she still be lying to me after four months and torturing me by stringing me along in limbo if she is involved in another relationship with the man she is living with? I would like to believe her, but she lied to me a lot over the past year and demolished our trust so it is very difficult for me to believe her. Honestly, if she is involved with some old guy she is living with I am not really interested in saving our marriage. But, if I am wrong and there is nothing going on between them then I am afraid I would regret filling for divorce.
Bgr, here is a counter question for you:
Would you be willing to let some woman move in with you, and support her IF you weren't romantically involved with her?
At this point I would assume the worst, and start making decisions based on that.
"I am afraid I would regret filling for divorce"
Why? Your W left you and moved in with another man. Is your fear that R would be off the table because of D? Because it would not. There are countless examples of couples Ding and Ring later. I've also read about many many cases of couples Ding, and then the WAS wanting to R before the D is finalized. In many cases, by then, the LBS is just done and wants nothing to do with it. But the overall point is that if you are ever going to have a chance at Ring with her, being D'd or not being D'd will have nothing to do with it.
And yes, WAS, and WSs especially, will lie until they cannot lie anymore. This is why we say "Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do."
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You all make some good points. Trust me, the two of us have discussed everything many times over. I'm not going to get a divorce and then remarry her, that is not an option. I told her we will remain best friends and try to work through this until the day comes that we are divorced. If we get a divorce then I'm done and moving on.
About the other guy, on the surface it obviously seems bad. Reasons why she could telling the truth nothing is happening between them - 1. He is old, fat, and white trash 2. He is an old family friend to her father 3. She is paying him rent 4. He helped her pick up some of her things from our house a couple months ago and watched her make out with me many times (all her doing, I did not initiate it) 5. She claims he has a girlfriend (I have no way of knowing this, and yes, she could be lying).
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by Bgr
She has depression and is very confused about everything in life.
This is driving the rest of everything that happens right now.
You didnt break her and YOU can not FIX her.
You dont want her back unless she decides to really work on her own depression and FIX that aspect of her life.
Cadet, you point is well received. This has been a main topic of our discussions when she is receptive to discussing anything deep. She is very stressed out. She is stressed that she is making me wait in limbo and feels bad about it, she says she struggles getting out of bed, and second guessing and worrying about everything she is doing. I have told her that I am willing to be patient and help her get through this. I would have any easier time being patient and keeping faith if she would give me any substance or assurance, or include me in her struggles.
I was with my X for 18 years. the last 12 we were marriage with 3 children. When I was in my early 40s, I found this website and divorced in 2008/2009 time frame. I am in my early 50s now. I have been living with my current woman for 10 years. I have learned a few things.
Everything you need to do to save your marriage is counter-intuitive in some way or form. What you were doing in the past was not working. Changing your behavior and changing the way you interact with her (and most likely women in general) is important right now. You changing the way you interact with her forces her to respond differently. Everything you do from now hopefully improves the odds of your wife having a change of heart.
There is no way I would tolerate my lady moving in with another man. At that point, I would let her know I was filing for divorce and the only way to stop me is to move back home immediately. (There are many more unconditionals, but this would be a good starting point).
Take this time to work on you personal growth. Knowledge is power. Question your current belief system.
If you have children, I would do everything in your power to save your marraige. If you do not, I would still do everything in your power to reinvent yourself into someone that only a fool would leave. You can than walk away knowing you gave it your all.
All is fair in love and war. Have fun while you work on attracting your wife back.
I wish you well.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
