2brokn, please do not take bluntness here as disrespect. That is not what it is at all. Most LBSs that find their way here are in a fog of denial. And we spend a good amount of time with the newcomers trying to get them to see their situations more objectively. You married this women so you obviously care about her. And you have kids with her. That can cloud your judgement. Also, we men have a competitive streak in us. "Dang it, I am going to WIN her back away from that loser!" So we get sucked into the competition of it all. But if you really stop and think about it, do you really want to have to compete for your own wife??
So yes, we get blunt sometimes. But 2brokn one exercise I really liked to do in my own sitch, and that I suggest to people here a lot, is to step back away from your sitch and think of your friend going through the same thing. What would you tell your friend in that case? Can you look at it more objectively if it were someone else walking in your shoes?
When we are one of the spouses, that objectivity can be hard to grasp. And that is why LH, myself, MrB and others speak frankly. Because you came here thinking you had to some how win her back when in reality that isn't just not your only option, but may not even be your best option.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This place is Divorce Busting so the idea is for you to have a good relationship and successful marriage.
Not to get divorced, however that all being said you are getting good advice and most of us can not have a successful relationship without fixing ourselves and the same goes for our spouses.
Listen to the advice even if it stings, cause from what I have been told when it stings that is something you need to look at.
I agree w/Cadet 100%. The one thing that newbies do not realize...Divorce Busting isn't just about trying to save your marriage, but it's a tool that helps you, the LBS, to focus on yourself, work on yourself and yes, become the person that you may have been who attracted your walkaway spouse long ago. Also, the tools/tactics that we discuss here can also be used in your day-to-day life w/others.
When relationships break down, we can only accept 50% of the breakdown and that means we need to really look closely to ourselves figure out what needs to be changed and those changes need to be permanent and not changes that are temporary. The walkaway has a lot of work to do as well and that person can't focus on the work that he/she needs to do if we are attempting to pull the focus back on to us and the relationship. So, step back, give her the space and time she needs to figure things out.
You, as a newbie, will need to learn to trust the system because in many, many cases, the system will work. Yes, you are going have times when you stumble and all, be we are here to help you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward (notice I didn't say the word "on").
Yes, there will be times when what people post will sting like the dickens, that is when you really need to sit down and mull over what has been posted. Everyone has an opinion and you will need to learn to take from those opinions what can apply to your situation. One size does not fit every situation. You need to also remember, that we are sitting on the outside looking in and we can see things that you may not because you are too close to the situation. So take what you can use in the way of advice and set the rest to the side.
Bottom line, step back, keep the focus on you, live your life to the fullest and work on the things that you do have control over...yourself and your possible behaviors that may or may not need to be changed. Learn not to take her bait when she's attempting to provoke you. Read all you can about detachment and the dance of distancer and pursuer.
This is not a sprint, but a marathon and you will need to dig deep, very deep for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Look B I apologize that my response was a little harsh. I’m just trying to save you and your kids more trouble and heartache. I have been on these boards for 5 plus years and know enough to know you don’t want anything to do with this woman. I will no post anymore on your thread.
I know. Deep down LH19 i know and TRUST ME if you knew even a tiny bit of the rest of my story you would drive to my house and slap me in the face like a 2$ who’re for even thinking about trying to get her back. I was not trying to get upset and I appreciate you apologizing we are all good in my book. Its not easy to talk about the last year of h3ll because I always get the same reaction, let go, move on, F her and never look back... i dont want sunshine blown up my *ss but also dont want my feelings to be dismissed out of hand. All I can say is im trying and d*mn am I trying with everything I have just to survive and come out the other side. Im working solely on my self. Despite all the pain and betrayal at this moment I still want to try. I don’t believe that I will ever be able to see her again and not feel those betrayals in my core and I am all but certain a healthy and loving marriage is not possible anymore. So why do I have such a irrational want and desire for her? Idk. Im trying to figure it out. All i can do atm is try to keep the peace between head and heart so i dont spinout. And the tough love is something that I need but in a more constructive way i think. 2x4s never worked as well as a guiding hand for me. Please continue to contribute LH19 and I will try not to be a little b*tch when I hear something that I probably NEED to hear but dont WANT to hear.
Your inner discourse is all that stands between you and detachment. Things only matter if we decide they do. You can only be offended if you decide to take offense.
Or you can decide that you like your life, your like your new truck and new freedom, and you're going to get on with your life and see how great you can make it. Then all the sudden one day some cute lady is going to smile as she walks pasts and sees you loving life and you'll wonder why you ever gave your ex a second thought.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
