Wow thank you so much cadet! I read that post and I have to say i was shocked and immediately bought The solo partner it will be here next week. Also reading the description of personality traits of the Pursuer & Distancer gave me a very much needed insight. For the majority of the M i was 100% the pursuer personally type but i see now that the roles have completely changed places and i mean to the letter. It gave me chills because it was like someone was watching me and studying my life before and after! I dont know when it changed or how or why, i didnt even notice it was happening and i don’t understand how I could be the total polar opposite and not notice but it was right there in black and white... im pretty shocked and at a loss for words. I don’t understand what happened...
I dont think that means that you should start to pursue again.
DB uses the concepts of pursuit and distance and MWD likely came up with it on her own separately from my knowledge of both her and the other author.
Follow DB IMHO.
You want her to pursue you and to make the changes that she needs to make before you start a new relationship with her.
I am trying my best not to pursue and in that i think i am doing well. I am also trying to go dark and her whole attitude changed with respect to the no contact. She got an app to spoof her number and has been texting me and getting very angry about me not answering her about dating and getting mean and saying hurtful things that are not true which before I would normally reply to defend myself and it is VERY HARD to not respond when she does that! She told me to leave her D papers for the OM on the porch and she will pick them up tmw at 11am. Its rough being called hurtful and disrespectful and all of that but I read the texts and then think of how hurtful and disrespectful it is for her to be with the OM and that has been a great help. The fear of changing the way I interact with her is real and difficult. I will trust the system and I cant tell you how much it helps to have support.
So she texts you horrible and disrespectful things and treats you like your her b*tch and this is something your interested in?
Are you familiar with boundaries?
I have not responded to any of her texts as I stated. I appreciate the help and support. To be honest I am struggling to find out exactly what I want and I have never been one to turn the other cheek and let people walk all over or disrespect me ( like you just did LH19 ) or my wife before all of this. I am not sure what happened or where that man went but I am looking for him. I came here for support of MY DECISION to, despite the pain and everything that has happened TRY and work things out with my XW. I can get told Im a fool and berated IRL by everyone I know. If this is not a safe place for me I will move on. No hard feelings.
Last edited by job; 07/08/2012:16 PM. Reason: edited language
Look B I apologize that my response was a little harsh. I’m just trying to save you and your kids more trouble and heartache. I have been on these boards for 5 plus years and know enough to know you don’t want anything to do with this woman. I will no post anymore on your thread.
Look B I apologize that my response was a little harsh. I’m just trying to save you and your kids more trouble and heartache. I have been on these boards for 5 plus years and know enough to know you don’t want anything to do with this woman. I will no post anymore on your thread.
I know. Deep down LH19 i know and TRUST ME if you knew even a tiny bit of the rest of my story you would drive to my house and slap me in the face like a 2$ who’re for even thinking about trying to get her back. I was not trying to get upset and I appreciate you apologizing we are all good in my book. Its not easy to talk about the last year of h3ll because I always get the same reaction, let go, move on, F her and never look back... i dont want sunshine blown up my *ss but also dont want my feelings to be dismissed out of hand. All I can say is im trying and d*mn am I trying with everything I have just to survive and come out the other side. Im working solely on my self. Despite all the pain and betrayal at this moment I still want to try. I don’t believe that I will ever be able to see her again and not feel those betrayals in my core and I am all but certain a healthy and loving marriage is not possible anymore. So why do I have such a irrational want and desire for her? Idk. Im trying to figure it out. All i can do atm is try to keep the peace between head and heart so i dont spinout. And the tough love is something that I need but in a more constructive way i think. 2x4s never worked as well as a guiding hand for me. Please continue to contribute LH19 and I will try not to be a little b*tch when I hear something that I probably NEED to hear but dont WANT to hear.
Last edited by job; 07/08/2012:17 PM. Reason: edited language
If it was as easy and flipping a switch to turn it off I would have 11months ago. I just cant seem to kick these feelings for XW to the curb. I am going to make a list of all the good and bad thing about the XW. A pro con list of sorts and be brutally honest about everything. Im going to need ALOT of paper. If I could have a mod let me know if i can post olike that on here i would appreciate it.
I have not responded to any of her texts as I stated. I appreciate the help and support. To be honest I am struggling to find out exactly what I want and I have never been one to turn the other cheek and let people walk all over or disrespect me ( like you just did LH19 ) or my wife before all of this. I am not sure what happened or where that man went but I am looking for him.
Hi,
Couple of points here - you won't like them as it is obvious form your final line that you only want to receive support on what you want to hear.
1) - You earn respect.. You cannot control people and you cannot make them respect you. They respect you based on your actions. You WAW didn't respect your marriage, but guess what - You did'nt respect her second marriage. You are both as bad as each other. This whole situation is beyound messed up IMO... Kind of like Jerry Springer, and its the children i feel for.
Originally Posted by 2brokn
I came here for support of MY DECISION to, despite the pain and everything that has happened TRY and work things out with my XW. I can get told Im a fool and berated IRL by everyone I know. If this is not a safe place for me I will move on. No hard feelings.[
2) - Very random statement - Do you meen you came here and i only want people who agree with you to reply ? This is probably the most off thread i have read in my whole time here, as the whole relationship is a car crash, and litterally as stated above something that would fit well in a TV show - but not in a positive way. Steve85 fit the nail on the head in his initial lenghty reply - there are more red flags here than a Chinese parade, but you are acting on emotion and anger - almost like a child - this last post says it all ! - If this isn't a safe place ? I'm not sure what you mean by safe place ? This forum is here and provides the best advice you can get - you may not like some of the replies, but they are written by people who have been there and done it - not a person who has read text books and got a degree in councelling. You will not find a magic bullet here to fix this, or people who agree with you, just becuase thats what you want. WHat you will find is very experienced and helpful people, who will give you advice on becoming a better you in the future. You still have to put the hard work in, but they can guide you on this path.
Unfortunetly, this isn't what you want. Your IRL friends see what most people here see, and what you don't want to see - Its time to work on you - she is broken, you can't fix her ! - Work on you
Last edited by MrBrside; 07/08/2008:37 AM.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
To answer your question on why you want her back, it's just your brain looking for familiarity and stability. The same with your ex. She went out searching for happiness in external sources and realized that didn't make her happy and now she is afraid your dating someone new and she may lose her safety net. The problem is that she hasn't worked on herself so if you were to get back together now w/o seriously working on herself she will just walk again down the road.
We see a ton a false recons here because most WWs don't put in the hard work so it rarely lasts.
That's why it's important to understand how the brain works, learn to control your emotions and have good boundaries that support your core beliefs and values.
I am going to make a list of all the good and bad thing about the XW.
Your attachment extends from only remembering the good stuff about being with her. I had this problem initially too, once bomb day hits, it’s easy as the heart broken LBS to look back and remember (and crave) only the good times and things about your marriage.
Here’s an idea - do your list, but only the bad things. Stick it on the fridge. Every time you think about her, want her back, question why it failed, and try to think about how to save it... read that list. It’s an important step for the heartbroken LBS to break that cycle of putting a relationship with this person on a pedestal.
