My wife left Our home and family and moved into a friends house july 1st 2019. She started dating july 27th 2019. WAS got an apartment and moved her bf in with her. WAS divorced me 1/15/20 and married the OM 1/31/20. The entire time since she left we have been sleeping together Every couple weeks and tell each other i love you everyday. My exW constantly says she wants to come back and never follows through just keeps me on the hook and every time i start to gal or move on she pulls me back in. July 1st 2020 was 1 year since she left and the TONS of damage caused i told her im done with her and she cant come back i need to move on and remove the option to protect myself. July 3rd exW came over to pick up the kids and use my computer, she got on and filled out divorce papers and told me she is leaving the OM (now husband #2) and wants to try and fight for me and our family. I went out to get printer paper and exW left to go tell the OM she is divorcing him. 6 hours later she text me that she felt like this was wrong and her heart was dying and couldnt leave him. I told her I was not surprised at all as i have been through this 50 times before EASY. I set a boundary that as long as the OM/H#2 is in her life in anyway I will not be in anyway except co-parenting when necessary, i dont want to see,talk,text,email,letter, ANYTHING unless it’s business about the kids. She has tried many many MANY times in every way to get me to talk and engage but i wont. So the exW asked for the divorce papers i printed for her and says she will file Wednesday but she keeps asking if I am dating someone. I only responded to say that I wont discuss us or a relationship or my personal life until she is divorced and has cut all ties to the OM. She asked again if i was dating i asked “ would a yes or no change your decision?” exW hasn’t responded. What do i do here? I feel like if i tell her im not (im not btw) she will have control back(didnt say that right) if i dont answer she assumes i am and either doesnt divorce him OR does (yea right). I know in my head if she is commited she will D him even if i were dating and if she doesnt then good ridden to her. Im staying in NC and hoping its real this time but I am very jaded.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My wife left Our home and family and moved into a friends house july 1st 2019. She started dating july 27th 2019. WAS got an apartment and moved her bf in with her. WAS divorced me 1/15/20 and married the OM 1/31/20. The entire time since she left we have been sleeping together Every couple weeks and tell each other i love you everyday. My exW constantly says she wants to come back and never follows through just keeps me on the hook and every time i start to gal or move on she pulls me back in. July 1st 2020 was 1 year since she left and the TONS of damage caused i told her im done with her and she cant come back i need to move on and remove the option to protect myself. July 3rd exW came over to pick up the kids and use my computer, she got on and filled out divorce papers and told me she is leaving the OM (now husband #2) and wants to try and fight for me and our family. I went out to get printer paper and exW left to go tell the OM she is divorcing him. 6 hours later she text me that she felt like this was wrong and her heart was dying and couldnt leave him. I told her I was not surprised at all as i have been through this 50 times before EASY. I set a boundary that as long as the OM/H#2 is in her life in anyway I will not be in anyway except co-parenting when necessary, i dont want to see,talk,text,email,letter, ANYTHING unless it’s business about the kids. She has tried many many MANY times in every way to get me to talk and engage but i wont. So the exW asked for the divorce papers i printed for her and says she will file Wednesday but she keeps asking if I am dating someone. I only responded to say that I wont discuss us or a relationship or my personal life until she is divorced and has cut all ties to the OM. She asked again if i was dating i asked “ would a yes or no change your decision?” exW hasn’t responded. What do i do here? I feel like if i tell her im not (im not btw) she will have control back(didnt say that right) if i dont answer she assumes i am and either doesnt divorce him OR does (yea right). I know in my head if she is commited she will D him even if i were dating and if she doesnt then good ridden to her. Im staying in NC and hoping its real this time but I am very jaded.
2brokn, wow. First welcome to the board. Second, sorry that this very toxic, damaged, and troubled person has caused you so much pain. However, there are red flags all over the place here, and you need to tread very lightly moving forward.
1st, she left July 2019. Then your D was final 1/15/2020. Then she was married to OM 1/31/2020. Yet the entire time you two have continued to sleep together every couple of weeks?!?! Does OM, now H know about this? Have you been to a doctor to be checked for STDs? I mean if she is still sleeping with you, then who is he sleeping wtih? This sounds like a situation ripe for STDs and you need to get yourself checked out.
Now. I need to ask you a very important question, and you need to consider it very carefully. This question is less about you giving a written answer and more about you really considering the issues and thinking about why I would ask this, and what your TRUTHFUL and HONEST answer to yourself is. Here it is: How could you ever trust this women again??
This woman has destroyed your family, rushed headlong with her AP to the point of marrying him. Yet has continued to sleep with you (EWWW by the way!), and continued to keep you as Plan B. And keep you hanging on and stringing you along.
Now she is dangling divorcing her new H (OM), whom has has been with (presumably) a year, and married less than 6 months, in front of you. And now is prying you for questions about your dating life. My guess? She wants to know if you are dating someone in order to know what she is up against. I would also guess that if you say no, then suddenly the brakes will get put on the D from her now H, because she will feel that you are in safe place for her and she can continue to keep have her cake and eat it too.
This is the most troubling statement in your ENTIRE post:
"I know in my head if she is commited she will D him even if i were dating and if she doesnt then good ridden to her. "
HUH?!?! IF SHE IS COMMITTED?!?! This woman is committed to NOTHING. And your expectation, or hope, or wishful thinking that she could possibly be committed to you is laughable! What this woman is committed to is having her every whim and desire fulfilled at the moment that she feels that whim or desire. Ask yourself, have you seen this behavior from her all along? Did she demand that her need for, oh I don't know, ice-cream be fulfilled immediately? Did she expect that if she felt it then it must be done now? Did she expect that any itch she had be immediately scratched?
Or is this behavior new? That just showed up in the last year or so around BD?
Either way, how do you know that Ding OM and getting back together with you isn't just her flavor of the month? That in 3-6 months she will once again want to leave you and be with OM again? Or OM#2 comes along?
See, what I am seeing happening here is that 6 months in, life with OM isn't what her fantasy had devised in her mind. It is a year since she blew up the family and hatched this cockamamie plan to leave her H, breakup her family, and marry this other guy. And she is feeling nostalgic. Especially since she never let you go fully (evidenced by the sleeping with you every couple of weeks, seriousy WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?). So now she is trying to get back what she had (you and her family), but not have to really give up what she has with OM. She is trying to keep one foot firmly in both worlds. And here is the kicker............YOU ARE ALLOWING HER TO!!!
Even your recent "I won't discuss it or talk about my personal life until you are D'd from OM and have no contact with him!". Here is a question, how will you ever know if this is true. Unfortunately we live in a world today where there are a multitude of ways to be in contact with someone? Plus, she has managed to keep a sex life going with you for all this time that she has been with him! How do you know that she won't keep a similar arrangement with him?
2brokn, the other thing that strikes me in all of this, is where are the ethics and morals? Where are the principles that govern your life? You realize that since January, you have been the OM in this situation, right? That you are now sleeping with another man's legal W. And I realize that you probably look at it as "turnabout is fair play", but does a wrong make a right? Does sleeping with another man's W, even if she used to be your W, something that you would have seen yourself doing in the past? Where were the principles that you suddenly seem so keen on (nothing but coparenting until she is D'd and not in contact with him anymore) for the last 6 months? Admittedly, I am a bit old-fashioned and have my life governed by really conservative, Christian-based beliefs, so I don't expect you to be as strict thinking on this as I am, but do you have any at all??
2brokn, what have you done to improve yourself in the last year since all of this began? Have you worked on you? Made any self-improvements? Have you got yourself into IC to work through everything that has happened, maybe some reasons why it has happened, and to prevent it from happening in the future whether with a new person, or if you were to reconcile with your WAW?
2brokn, personally, I think the worst thing you could ever do is get back together with this woman. I think you should shake the dust of your feet and move on to greener pastures. I think you would be crazy, nuts even, to consider getting back together with this woman. I think you'd be setting yourself up for another heartbreak in the future. I'd focus on being the best father for your kids that you can be, and focus on improving yourself as a person. One thing that we say around here is that these situations are an opportunity to take a hard look at yourself, finding weaknesses you have, and working to improve in those areas. I see none of that in what you've done for the last year.
2brokn, one final question: Forget your WAW for a moment. You've been under her spell through all of this for an entire year. What does 2brokn want out of life? Have you ever considered that? Or have you just continued to go with the flow?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am sorry you are here and I am going to make this short and sweet while being blunt.
Your EX is a kook and you need to focus on protecting and being the rock for your children. They will need at least one normal parent.
If and this is a really big if your Ex ever gets the proper treatment and therapy she needs you can consider a reconciliation at that point but that is likely many years down the road.
sorry to hear about your troubles. You know the best part about all of those troubles? They end when you decide they end.
You've been in a whirlwind. You got divorced and nothing changed between you and your ex and you became the OM? Ask yourself what you would lose if you stopped this madness.
What do your kids see?
I recommend you take some time and space to yourself and set goals for your personal growth. Set some boundaries with her and really take some time and space to heal.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
It makes no logical sense why you believe you could have a committed relationship with someone who in marriage #1 cheated on their H (you) with OM, and in marriage #2 is cheating on their H with OM (you). She does not honor commitments. I can't see any way around that. If marriage #2 were bad, there's the option of divorce. If marriage #2 were sexually open, she still crossed a line. I would not trust this woman.
It sounds like you could win her from OM. That's not the issue.
Maybe years from now she gets enough therapy to change her ways. In the meantime, I would stop sleeping with her if you want more than sex. She's not currently "marriage material".
I have been on the DB board since march 2019 just havnt posted anything I read and read i have the books and read them i have been in a fog and whirlwind myself but I feel im coming out of it. And THANK YOU VERY MUCH EVERYONE!!!! Im so happy i got up the courage to post! Let me try to answer your questions:
is this behavior new? That just showed up in the last year or so around BD? This is new. Ex was 285lbs most of the M (12 of 15years) in Nov 2018 got her the gastric sleeve Ex got down to 150lbs in April 2019 got her full boat mommy makeover (tummy tuck, boob implants, vag lift , boob lift, legs and arm lift, even botox about 65k$) the last two months before she left she got distant and was posting ALOT of pics online and chatting with “friends” i tried to put a stop to it and she left. Since she left it is all about instant gratification.
What have i done to improve myself? Well i started doing things for myself that i never would have before. Mainly putting my wants as a priority which I have never done family was always first and leaders eat last but i changed that and it feels good. Went to IC for months didnt help much if at all. I used to fix the old broken down stuff we had to keep it going but I have now been upgrading when this are braking (dishwasher was old got brand new one, wanted a truck FOREVER! So i bought one!, 10 yr old mower i spent more time fixing than mowing is gone bought a new zeroturn!, ect...) it feels odd and like im idk being selfish buying all the things i always wanted but also really good... Oh i wanted more tattoos for 10+ years i got 3!
I got tested multiple times for std im all good there. I continued to sleep with Ex because it was my wife and i was told by her all the time she loved me and wanted to be together and out of fear and need and hope i ignored the actions and held on to the words. She isnt my wife anymore but i couldnt make myself feel like she wasnt if that makes sense?. Im trying believe me im trying to stop that kind of thinking. OM doesn’t know about us even though i have exposed the affair and told him via text and email many times before and after the D we were sleeping together and tell each other i love you everyday, she convinced him im lying everytime. It wasn’t “fair play” this was the woman i knew since she was 13yo who i married and had 3 kids with over 15y M and being told that she was lost and confused and sooo many times she was coming home and wanted to work this out and all that. I havenot gone NC before and I should have long ago so maybe i can look and see someone other than my W.
Trust her again? I honestly don’t know.
Want to be with her again? Again I dont know. I have had my kids the entire time D13,S14,D,17 all living with me 100% and i have custody. They have been told the same things as me mom wants to come home then doesnt then does and so on. I have tried cutting her off and got treated like i was giving up and I was the bad guy because I wanted to walkaway. After the D i went on a couple dates and the kids didnt take that well ( i think they were afraid i would abandon them too or so my IC thought) D17 work and drives, she was running wild when I tried to reign her in she moved in with Ex and tell the Ex she hates the OM so Ex lets her just run and run and run around. I dont know if i would want her back after everything but I would like to atleast try.
Wow thank you so much cadet! I read that post and I have to say i was shocked and immediately bought The solo partner it will be here next week. Also reading the description of personality traits of the Pursuer & Distancer gave me a very much needed insight. For the majority of the M i was 100% the pursuer personally type but i see now that the roles have completely changed places and i mean to the letter. It gave me chills because it was like someone was watching me and studying my life before and after! I dont know when it changed or how or why, i didnt even notice it was happening and i don’t understand how I could be the total polar opposite and not notice but it was right there in black and white... im pretty shocked and at a loss for words. I don’t understand what happened...
