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I have a question......

Is it just me, or does it seem like there is no effort in dating anymore ? Like no one feels like need to impress a little, try a little, or make someone feel special at all?

I feel like dating is this dead end emotions less process where everyone wants what they want without so much as trying to it their best foot forward.

Am I wrong? Or am I just an old soul who is naive ?

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Good question Ginger. Iím not really sure. I think OLD has really changed the natural process of things. It seems a lot of the effort is put into making a connection online and then the brief coffee.date with a quick exit plan seems to be the standard. I havenít really gotten too far past that stage with the exception of a couple people and I never really went on a traditional date with any of them. It was a more of a mutually agreed-upon activity. The traditional dinner and a movie doesnít seem to be something that too many people do anymore. It has been replaced by ďNetflix and chillĒ, I think. I think formalities in general are being lost over time. For instance, when I was a kid, my friendsí parents were Mr. & Mrs. or Ms. I would never have thought of calling them by their first names. Nowadays, my kidsí friends call me by my first name and it would almost seem weird for them to call me anything else. So...things are changing in a lot of different ways. IDK...thatís just my take on it. I certainly join you in your frustrations with dating. My latest fiasco makes me wonder if it is worth any kind of effort at all. frown


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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Maybe itís a generational thing? Iíd say itís been kinda fifty-fifty in my post-divorce dating. My first Love Avoidant date was more Netflix and chill, but to be fair, he lived in a tiny town without a lot to do. He did take me out to dinner with some good friends of his and generally was welcoming and made me feel like he was excited to see me (and eager to see me go after three days lol).

The inappropriately young guy went away with me for a weekend in a cabin in the mountains and he set up a romantic jacuzzi with floating candles.

MR Big Lots was a bust, def Netflix and chill.

Crazy ex-BF - well, he was a whole other story.

My ghosting love avoidant friend - despite his upfront admission that he didnít ďdoĒ relationships and the casual nature of our relationship, when I visited him he cooked me delicious meals and made me feel taken care of - delicious. I likened it to going to the spa.

CMM - after a coffee date meeting, our first real date was dinner at a nice restaurant. In fact, he looked better to me dressed up and his very polite gentlemanly manners were a selling point.

To be fair, Iím less impressed by money spent on me and more impressed by effort. Someone who puts effort into making me a nice meal and making me feel pampered and cared for works for me, even if all weíre doing is having dinner at his place and watching a movie.

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The 20 something year old I dated I was the best in terms of dating. Asked me out properly, took me to a nice place, made fun dates, was excited to see me, cooked for me, etc. he dated me wonderfully. Of course I was very appreciative as I always am the same way when dating someone.

This guy Iím ďseeingĒ that I had been talking to many many years ago appears to be the same guy. I had hoped he had upped his game since . No, heís still the same. He doesnít treat me like a woman. He still sends his stupid perverted memes. Doesnít ask how my day is. Made one real date, I made the next. Does nothing to get me to look forward to seeing him again. Is dying to have the ďmake me dinnerĒ date for the wrong reasons. ( sex, doesnít want to drive to see me, etc.). I mean, I guess there is a reason why he is never married. Good on paper as an established man, but heís got zero game .

Iím not asking to be wooed. But keep my interest just a little if you are actually interested.

I feel like men want to do nothing to get and keep a womanís interest anymore. Especially 40-50 something year old divorced men. If you are that lazy in the beginning, I canít imagine years down the road.

And Iím not even talking gifts and money. I have never really gotten those at all either. And I would say most of my dating experiences have been even paying.

Just act interested. Who knows, maybe they arenít ad I havenít truly captured a guys attention in a long time.

The whole dating thing is hopeless. I thought it was mad in my 30ís as a divorced single mom. Turns out is is worse in my 40ís because my level of tolerance is so much lower and guys have gotten much lazier

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Please, let me correct bee cause I might have offended some wonderful 50 year old divorced guys.

I am speaking from my personal experience. I am not generalizing all of the 40-50 year old men in the dating pool.

In case that wasnít clear and I have offended anyone

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
In case that wasnít clear and I have offended anyone

No offense in the least even if I fit the demo. Worrying about offending people has become so over-rated. Far too many, rather than properly debate or refute a point, try to play the offended card instead.

On your point I think itís a lot of things or at least could be. Sadly itís pretty rare for people to change - at least significantly change. This guy will likely be who he is for the rest of his life. Either you like him and can accept him for who he is or heís not for you. Sadly heís not likely to have turned into the guy you were hoping for.

Age may have something to do with it. It gets really hard to keep trying and putting in 100% after the failures many of us have had. I usually put in 100% in my 20s Most of the time. In my 50s I still do but not really as often - maybe 25% of the time - 50% of the time ar most.

I again think OLD is a part of it. Itís a numbers game as many have said and itís hard to bring your A game date after date, person after person, time after time.

Mostly I think it comes to two main items. One is we teach people how to treat us. Iíve always been huge about living this way. If we donít require and expect someone to step up and really impress us, they wonít. Why would they? We have taught them they can get what they want without it. The fact that youíve paid for or supported more dates than not says to me you are giving too much. Youíve got to show these guys you expect more - not in a bad way but just in general.

I think mostly, if they are not stepping up, itís because they are just not that into you. I put myself in this category pretty squarely. When Iím into someone it shows. Friends of mine have commented things like ďsee what happens when you try?Ē And itís true. When Iím pushing myself (I don't even do that much anymore) it shows. I Plan things, put in effort, etc. itís because Iím into her or at least think I may be. When Iím all ďwe should hang out sometimeĒ followed by, ďwhere should we meetĒ you can assume Iím just going through the motions - and Iíll bet they can tell. I wish I was more into them, I wish I really wanted to see them, but itís really more like, letís try this and see if Iím wrong in my initial feelings and somehow become surprised and really end up liking you. If the woman responds with ďoh Iím happy with doing anything, whatever you want is fine with me,Ē itís her kiss of death. She may think sheís making it easier or increasing her value but the opposite is really happening. When Iím like ďI really want to take you out, be ready at 7 PM and Iíll pick you up (or meet you) for a really fun night, Iím interested - not just going through the motions. Thatís happened with just a few women in the last few years.

So for me the last possibility fits the most, but all of them are possibilities. Sadly itís far and few between that I find someone who I really want to pursue. Thatís my biggest challenge. When I do and when I try, really try, it seems to go much better. When Iím just meh, yeah, we should get together sometime, itís rare it will get better from there. I saying this for you to consider it with these guys. On your end, youíve got to require more from them. Itís back to that book - ďWhy Men Love BitchesĒ (itís a formal, TMd book title, please do not censor it) youíve got to show these guys that if they expect to date you, they need to bring their A game or they can expect to be benched. Itís a two way street and as much on them as it is on you


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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I agree with the teaching people how to treat us. It doesnít serve us well to be too accommodating. Itís ok to insist b on advance notice for a date or youíre unavailable. Itís ok to ask ďwhat do you have planned?Ē In a tone of voice that implies you expect him to step up.

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Don, I appreciate your feedback and not being offended. Seriously, everyone is offended by everything, even when it has nothing to do with them. But I never want to offend anyone and lump them into a category.

That being said, I think you are 100% on point. It's not that guys just stopped trying at a certain age that I've been dating. I think they really have just not have been that into me. Enough to see me, hope to get laid, as long as they don't have to do anything. Well, that isn't acceptable to me. I think back to many guys I have dated. A few weeks, months, i put in most effort, I drive to see them, they rarely come to see me, and are willing to take what they can get without any effort, and as soon as i want some effort on their part, they ditch. It's been a reoccurring theme in my dating life. For the love of God, I did this with the same guy for a few years straight! I taught him that it was OK to treat me that way.

I think I finally realized I am done with that. I have developed zero tolerance for it. I am comfortable in who I am. A giving, loving vulnerable fun woman. If a man can't realize that and want to treat me right, then I am not for them.

I really think if a guy was that into me, he would put an ounce of effort in, seem interested and engaged. I simply haven't found that yet. And I seriously cringe at what I have accepted. ANd i just have no desire to deal with it anymore.

IN other news, I had a great week off. We did alot of fun stuff, went stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, jetskiing, beach and empire state building. It was nice having some actual fun. We are going to make the paddling boarding kayaking a regular thing on the weekends when the weather is good. It's close by, inexpensive and tons of fun.

I don't know what possessed me to decide to go back to work on a Saturday. But I go back tomorrow. To my second job. I spoke to manager at my second job asking if I could go down to 2 days, She said she couldn't do that because it wouldn't be fair to others, but she would absolutely hate to lose me. SO she may have come up with a reaosnable solution which involves all the sundays in a month working from home for 2 hours in the morning and then 2 in person days which I am on board with totally. I have knowledge of something that needs to be done in the weekend, that the other weekenders don't have. It just needs approval from the big boss.

I had a good week, but i am still struggling. Pain is the main reason right now. I am in 24/7 physical pain and it has made me miserable. I decided i am going to make other appointments I should be making to get to the bottom if this pain. It's time. It is far too depressing ot be a formerly very active person in constant pain.

I'll figure this all out for sure. It's just taking longer than most

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I agree with the teaching people how to treat us. It doesnít serve us well to be too accommodating. Itís ok to insist b on advance notice for a date or youíre unavailable. Itís ok to ask ďwhat do you have planned?Ē In a tone of voice that implies you expect him to step up.

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Count me in on not being offended at all. The girl I am currently dating I made a nice homemade Italian dish for lunch and then we went for a nice hike to see a beautiful waterfall. As we were coming back I took her out for an ice-cream cone and we walked in the park for a little bit. She had mentioned another time how a local farm was selling peaches so I surprised her and took her to the farm so we could buy a bunch of peaches and then came back home and we made a wonderful peach cobbler with it.

Each time we went out and I bought her something or did something for her she would get kinda nervous. Finally, I had to ask her what was going on and she said her EX and some of the previous guys she dated always demanded something sexual in return for doing or buying her something. I was speechless and disgusted. She said it was the same with her ex mother-in-law who would only be able to go shopping if she did something sexual for her husband. Is this something that is really common and have I just been living in ignorance? She is having a hard time getting use to someone who just wants to have fun without any expectations in return.

Last edited by job; 08/15/20 04:13 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
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