I really sympathize with where you are. After BD we become hyper-focused on all the details surrounding if they will come back, what we can do to facilitate that, how we should behave/process/cope, etc, and so we lose site of the bigger picture. I think of that time as fight-or-flight mode. So during that heightened response we suppress a lot of our feelings and core beliefs. When our partner comes back and begins to recommit to the M, we start to feel secure and safe again. After the initial wave of relief settles, those suppressed emotions start to bubble up to the surface. It can be confusing and complicated to manage. This is one of the reasons that piecing a M back together again can be so challenging. I recall this time clearly. You are seeing his wrong doings and betrayals clearly for what they are. At the same time, you appreciate his positive efforts and small changes. You are walking a very fine line and a very long line of balancing 1. working together to understand and fix past problems and 2. moving forward and creating a healthier relationship. This is hard to do simultaneously. It is especially hard to do when emotional triggers, fear and mistrust are present. It took me and my H several years to navigate this. My H and I did several things including IC, MC, read books, Retrouvaille, and I can't say how much they helped anymore than the passing of time.
We just passed the 5 year mark. I cannot lie, it is still hard to reconnect and accept things will never be like they were the first 10 years together. Sometimes the best thing to do is just feel what you need to feel and accept how hard it is but trust and believe it will not be that way forever. Time does heal all. Shall I link the thread on piecing?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Thank you BluWave! your advice is so spot on, every time.
Your post is exactly what I needed to read at this time. I could not have said it better...
Originally Posted by BluWave
You are seeing his wrong doings and betrayals clearly for what they are. At the same time, you appreciate his positive efforts and small changes. You are walking a very fine line and a very long line of balancing 1. working together to understand and fix past problems and 2. moving forward and creating a healthier relationship.
I am caught in between hugging him and hitting him at any given second. The fact that he is so remorseful and kind to me during an emotional outburst makes it that much harder in a way. But, this is where I wanted to be, back in his arms. So I am grateful but at the same time mad as well as scared as well as deeply sad (that it will never be the same).
Like you said, I had my head down working so hard to break down the 'hatred wall' that I did not even consider the other side, reconciliation. I did read your thread, and thought - cr@p, that other side has its issues - but I put my head back down and said to myself I would deal with it when/if I got to that...and here I am dealing with that.
Just this morning, another revelation - so sorry I also lost an additional $12k in 2017. I spiraled around that. Not the money per se, which is gone and I can not do much about that, but that was 4 years ago! He was being pretty deceitful for a long time, what else is there? It made me sad/mad, of course. He wanted to talk, but one thing I have come to terms with is that I am not good at emotional regulation, so I just said I could not, that I was not in the right headspace and exited. We talked later when I was ready to engage. It was all about trust, lack of and rebuilding.
Right now, he is trying and I am trying. I have alot of hope that this will work out. I do feel disconnected from him right now, but I think that is natural right BluWave? Please tell me that you went thru this disconnected feeling, how long will it take to find that connection again?
Thank you for the link! I will check it out~
Last edited by BlueSea; 07/23/2011:55 PM.
M:50 H:49 D:16 S:13 M:23 T:25 BD: Feb 25th 2020 EA/PA: Dec 2019 - June 11, 2020 Behind every broken woman is a broken man...
I feel you, sister. I truly feel you. You know I do if you have read my threads. This might be the hardest thing you will ever do. You want answers. I wanted answers too. I suffered and spun for years. Here is the problem, there are no answers and there are no guarantees. In any M. Why? Because none of us can predict the future in life or in a M. There is only one thing you can rest assured and that is that time does heal all. Think of a time in your childhood when you were hurting? You do not feel that way now and you have (hopefully) healed. Think of your first heartbreak. Think of a death of a loved one. .... These wounds do heal in time. And this one will too.
But, there is also work to do as you lick your wounds. I have no idea how long it will take to heal and rebuild this.. For me it has been about 4 years. Now I am at 5 years. It is still not perfect. Please read the piecing thread and reread it. See how much work it is? See how long it takes? And that is assuming that TWO people continue to do the work. Not everyone can or will. It is hard work.
With any crisis I have faced, there is one main thing that has got me through. The core belief that it will not always be this way. Trust and have faith that over time this too (the deep pain and fear) shall pass. You have two both have to exercise the most herculean patience man has ever known. You have to heal your wounds and work through your problems, but you also have to move forward and build a new M that is stronger than before. You will mess up often. You will have to keep getting up and dusting yourselves off and trying again. And again. And again.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
