Living with a WAS/MLC husband...who does not care

[BlueSea]

Thank you LH and Steve, always looking for your posts on this thread!

He is being remorseful and repentant - he is reading books on how to help me heal, always coming forward with answers and being 100% transparent about everything. He is ready to talk about anything at anytime. With that said, there have been a lot of painful things that have come out:

-He did take her on a business trip to San Francisco and visit Napa Valley (on my birthday).
-She was trailing us on our RV trip down the Oregon coast during Memorial Day weekend.
-He finally told me her real name (I had it wrong), based on social media she was clearly smitten with him (he had said she was a 'guy' about it, and had no feelings invested) but she was invested in that relationship, and her posts show it.
-And other things that shouldn't matter but hurt nonetheless: 15 years younger, fully tattooed from head to toe literally, social media is all about sex, weird underground alternative lifestyle and available on escort sites (though H says he did not know that). Completely opposite type to me.
-He said she was really nice, I jabbed back, "a prostitute with a heart of gold" type eh?
-2 kids (almost the same age as ours) with 2 different fathers, and she gave them both up....just from what I see and read, clearly someone already with life issues. She has a few years left to peddle that overweight tattooed body, and then she will really be in a world of hurt. (sorry that is judge-y)
-Among the many posts of her naked or almost or in alternative costumes - she posted naked pics of her rubbing cake all over her, and eating it with caption of "You CAN have your cake and eat it too" around the same time that H and I had conversations at his WAS cake eating. GRR.

I know it doesn't matter - I know - BUT knowing is helping me to process and close the door, in a sense that the book has been read - I can put it down. I now know it all, and need to process all of it.

He is back. Its the H I remember. He is going to try. I think we have some hope to go the distance. I am in, but cautious. Any advice on this?

[scout12]

Look up the cycle of abuse. This sounds like lovebombing. Please be careful!

[LH19]

Bluesea,

In almost 6 years on this board I have never seen a complete 360 so I would be very cautious and tread lightly.

[BlueSea]

Scout - I looked it up, and potentially this may be true. H is a raging narcissist and after listening to a few podcasts, I probably am the co-dependent half. He is a very clever manipulator - I know this - this is just a 6 month trial that either one of us can back away from. I am getting into IC, and will put this at the top of my list to discuss. Thanks Scout

"A love bomb refers to the form of emotional manipulation in which a person, often a narcissist, “bombs” you with an OTT amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you."

LH - I am very cautious, I dont know if its naiveté or resilience that is driving me right now...but I full on agree with you to tread lightly.

[Sage4]

Bluesea, there seems to be some good momentum in the transparency department. However, please do not ever compare yourself to this woman. In fact, disregard everything you know about her. She is no longer worthy of your time or mental energy. H didn’t go after her for the things you see on social media. He got some cheap thrills. Which now are hopefully over.

But I agree with Scout et al: a complete 180 is not realistic, he will crash and burn at some point, so steel your heart right now. That’s not to say he isn’t ‘real’ right now, but this Is the time to truly DB. Make him work to earn you back. Make yourself worthy, in every department. Mostly, if not all, for you. You are a queen and a catch and a prize. Remember that.

It’s OK for him to be remorseful and repentant and WORK at this for at least as long as you have been suffering. Don’t enable his return, you didn’t break him, don’t try to fix him (or pave an easy path to retuning to your family). The harder he has to work to earn his way back, the more he will appreciate the fruits of his labor.

I know I started this conversation a few posts back, and I haven’t read it anywhere specifically in the DR book, but we all, as humans, need to feel like we earn our way in the world. If it’s too easy to get to point A, maybe we should have been aiming for point Z! If point A was so attainable, then why not set our sight higher? Don’t be point A for your H. Be closer to point Z. Make him work for your love, companionship, company and trust again. The harder he works, the greater the prize (YOU!).

Hugs!
S

[LH19]

I think you are and have been driven by fear the entire time. You’re trying to get back the control and stability of the life you once had. In time I think you will find that it’s just an illusion. A lot of damage has been done the last 5 months. Take some time to really think about what you want.

[BlueSea]

LH - I hear your point, I may have been driven by fear before, but not any longer. There is calmness, I don't think about him or his moods any more. I really understand that he is on a journey and I am too. I am committed to the next 6 months, but I am leaving the ending open right now.
I feel the right thing to do is to try, and also to explore what is best for me. I am positive that I have made changes and open to making more - but - if he does not, or is not able to - then there is no point to continue the marriage because it will just continue to be dysfunctional and I do not want to go thru any of this again.

Sage - Thank you for the reminder to make this something he needs to earn, I mean really work for. I am not going to make this easy. I am being me. And I have woken up to his manipulation - the tears, the hugs, the love bombing - not working. I just continue what I am doing, calmly. I will watch his show, but not participate, and its quite the show sometimes. If he does not start counseling on his own, then there is no point to even wait for the 6 months. For where we are at right now, and if there is no efforts, then clearly asking him to leave is the next step. Thank for your advice on my journey~soooo appreciated

[AlisonUK]

BlueSea - is your H going to address his sexual assault of you in his IC? Do you feel safe?

I have been reading along with your thread and was so shocked and upset by that event - and scared for you - that I hardly knew what to say. That feels to me like such a huge huge deal - so much more so than his cheating (which of course I don't take lightly - I don't mean it that way) - it seems to me like if this is a man who is remorseful for raping you, he would be living apart from you, in sustained, deep therapy and some kind of domestic violence or sex offender perpetrator programme. That he would be taking full and total responsibility for his action, calling it what it is, and if he even imagined there was a 1% chance his decision to rape you was triggered by the supplements he was taking (I have no idea if those things are related) then he would be committing to never taking them again - lifelong abstinence.

I have no expertise or experience in this area but it seems to me this is a matter that outweighs all others. I wish you the very very best. My heart hurt when I read your thread and I am posting this here only because I worry about your safety and I think that perhaps dealing with the aftermath of a marital rape probably falls outside the remit of this board.

[BlueSea]

Alison, I genuinely appreciate your post!
We have talked about it and he is remorseful for that. I want to address this as honestly as I can, and it will offend some. Here is the deal for me: this was sex, I never should have put myself out there to an angry man, especially after one anger filled experience. I am an adult and am responsible for putting myself in a stupid/bad situation. He was CLEARLY wrong to do that. What he did was a display of anger and showing control and dominance - not pleasant to say the least. But, its just sex. It was over in a few minutes. I am sorry to sound so pragmatic - but its not like he cut off a limb. A hot shower and the thought, 'okay, not going to do that again' and 'wow is this guy mad' was as far as I went with it.
My sense of self is not wrapped around being penetrated - it was a transaction with my husband that simply did not go well. Lesson learned.

And that is how it is for me, because this is my experience. I totally leave everyone up to their own opinions about my experience. But, I certainly don't want to turn this into a debate on this topic (its just not in the realm of this board). Every woman has the right to feel how they want about this or their own experience, or what r / sex means to them, or what it means in the context of being married, etc. But, I am not feeling damaged by it in any way.

Bluesea

[Indy470]

Blue,

Im new here but just wanted to show some support to you. I read through your sitch and my heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best and I hope things heal. Whatever that may mean, I hope you get healing at the end of all this.