...but obviously I don’t want to just have my kids for 50% of my life.
None of us here do. A lot of us have that, myself included. At the end of the day it will be the mothers choice if she chooses to divorce you.
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I believe in family and if you choose to be married and have kids, then that was you choice and whatever happens you make it work, not just for the kids as I don’t think anyone should be miserable in a marriage.
Again, we all have this belief in common.
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But you talk, you talk and talk until you come to a solution.
After being here for so long, I have changed my belief about talking. This is an extremely complex issue. You change the way you interact with her. You change the way you behave around everyone, especially her. She has lost her attraction for you. There are traits that you have that she is attracted to, but there are more that she is not attracted to. Drop the unattractive traits. Pick up new attractive traits. Confidence and respect are at the top of the list. Now is the time to reinvent yourself. Be the best you possible.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
We have went through this a few times and the one thing I will say is that she won’t stop me seeing my kids, she has never been like that.
Dude, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. She also stood up before witnesses and pledged till death do you part. And went back on that. Do not underestimate the lengths a WAS will go to make your life miserable. And yeah, the nice guy routine will invite that kind of behavior.
But you can continue to go with the flow. See how far that gets you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I know and it’s about time I did. I mean I’m not going to lie it is hard staying in the same house. All I get is the silent treatment. Or she sits on her phone. Telling me it would be easier if I move out etc, that I can afford it better than her etc. Maybe I have been to nice and you are right I can’t Nice her back.
It is honestly like a switch has been flipped, two weeks ago we were planning a future again, holidays, budgeting for Christmas etc and now it’s like I am living with a stranger.
I am going to take on board what you said, not in a nasty way or anything towards her but if she wants to leave then she can. I will no longer be made to feel like I am worthless and that I don’t deserve to be happy. The marriage means a lot to me as it was my chance to finally show I was committed and it has backfired. The irony.
Maybe my own fault, cause i am weak, but kind of tried to talk to her last night about things. I know I shouldn't have.
She now says Im manipulating her and trying to control her and she has contacted the council (told them about it all and they have agreed that they will house her somewhere safe). It honestly feels like she is looking through tinted glasses. I know its my own fault for talking about it and not just detaching, but she is making me feel like im the villian. And she says that everyone she has spoken too agrees, but they are only hearing her side of things. Give domeone the full picture and story before allowing them to judge.
So according to what she said she can't live with me because of how I am harassing her. And is planning to move out with the kids.
This is all because I will not move out and it feels like I am punishing my kids because they are having to move out, well not having to, she is choosing to move out.
I think maybe she is right, if she wants space then move out. Maybe this will finally be the kick I need to actually start to move on. It just feels so strange how this has all happened so fast. I have allowed her to do this to me again.
I agree, it looks like that’s the only way forward.
She has moved out to her parents and took the kids. And says she is going to file a police report about me harassing her, but won’t if I move out.
I think that’s the eye opener for me. Maybe the Persuing comes across as a bit controlling because it’s like I’m not accepting that it’s over for good, but what she is doing in my eyes is controlling.
I spoke with a lawyer last time and went over my rights.
She still agrees that I can have the kids and says she won’t stop me seeing my kids but wants to have no contact with me at all.
So all I can do now is get my head down and focus on me and being the best dad I can be. I can’t fix her. Only she can do that. As much as what I think she is doing is wrong and totally the wrong way of going about things, it’s her decision.
I’m going to detach and go into silence and just be there for my kids
kind of tried to talk to her last night about things. I know I shouldn't have. She now says Im manipulating her and trying to control her
Well, wasn't your goal in trying to talk about things to change her behavior?
Originally Posted by Newbie12
And says she is going to file a police report about me harassing her, but won’t if I move out.
Inform your attorney. I didn't see anything in your version of the story that amounts to legal harassment in most jurisdictions. Don't allow her to frighten you into taking actions contrary to your interests.
Originally Posted by Newbie12
This is all because I will not move out and it feels like I am punishing my kids because they are having to move out, well not having to, she is choosing to move out.
You're both entitled to 50/50. Therefore, if you moved out the kids would spend 50% at your new home and 50% at the family home with mom, and with her moving out the kids are spending 50% at her new home and 50% at the family home with you. The kids are 50% staying and 50% moving out either way.
If you're accepting less than 50% custody--why?! Talk to an attorney to fix that pronto.
She took the kids. What day do you get them back? Your parental rights aren't to see/visit your kids they are to have 50% custody of your kids unless you're unfit for some reason.
Originally Posted by Newbie12
wants to have no contact with me at all.
That is entirely possible. My GF chooses never to see her ex-H during handoffs.
Originally Posted by Newbie12
So all I can do now is get my head down and focus on me and being the best dad I can be.
Great plan! I hope you do whatever is necessary to be an equal parent in your kids' life. Don't be that nice guy who gets talked into every other weekend and a Wednesday overnight and then regrets it.
I just got a message saying how this isn’t fair and the kids should be on their house and that she can’t bring them back because of how stubborn I am being.
I never asked her to move out, she made that decision
Newbie12, many moments call for slow play. This is not one. I'm serious--what day do you get the kids back for your 50%? Taking the kids isn't something to let go for a day, a week, a month.
"I get you're frustrated and miss our home. What day do you propose returning the kids for my 50% custody?"
You can't be that great Dad you want to be if she's taken your kids away.
(Note, no arguing in the text above. An unsatisfactory or no response goes to the attorney.)
CW is absolutely correct. Do not for any reason allow her to drive the custody agreement. I can assure you that if you allow fear to be your guide, you will regret it later. Been there, done that. Right now, your relationship with your kids has to be your priority.
See, your children will always be your children. You will want to look back knowing that you did everything to foster a good relationship with them. Your W might not always be your W.
If you haven't consulted an attorney, make that a priority.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
