So me and my wife have been together 12 years and have 3 wonderful kids together. Our relationship hasn't been an easy one, and it was my fault. I had not been the nicest partner throughout our time together, not all the time but the majority. Infidelity, arguing, being nasty, all the stuff that you can think. However I have grew up and have made lots of changes in myself.
We have split up about 4 or 5 times over the last few years, and even those times I can't say that I was ready to make any permanent changes to better our relationship. We were meant to be married and it all went downhill and we split up, but reconciled about 4/5 months later and decided we would fix things, which in my head we did, we got married and things seemed to be a lot better.
Since being married we have split up twice, which I struggle with. It feels like all the changes I should have made over the full course of the relationship I have made, I mean I am not perfect at all, but I recognise now the mistakes I made and can only apologise for them. That doesn't make them right, I know but I would like to not be judged continually on my past. People change, people learn from their mistakes.
So recently we decided we would try again, we were spending a lot of time together and again all seemed to be good. There was no pressure and we were smiling again. I had always kept saying"I love you" and she told me she wasnt ready to say that until she felt it again, which took about 1.5/2 weeks, but she started to say it again, started to wear her wedding ring again about another week down the line. We finally spoke about issues, plans for the future, budgets etc.
Then after 9 weeks, it just went wrong, it feels like out of no-where, it all just came crashing down. She feels like we were forced back together, tells me she doesn't love me and that her feelings wont change. She has said she is done and cannot try anymore, she has tried to much to make it work.
I made all the mistakes from the last time we broke up, begging, pleading etc, i should have known better as thats what pushed her away last time. She feels that she is unhappy and in my eyes is putting the full blame on our relationship. She wont really talk about anything about the relationship either, if ever I ask anything, she just tells me she has told me how she feels and I need to accept it.
I feel lost, so for the last 1.5 weeks I have again been trying to talk about why we should fix it, sometimes you don't realise how much pressure you are putting on someone until you look at it from outside. So I have stopped, its only been a few days, but not been messaging at all really apart from replying when its something urgent. Been not speaking about the relationship or putting any expectations on her.
We still live together for now, but she has spoke about me moving out saying we cant live together for ever, or until we get divorced. So I am a little lost about what I should do.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Last edited by Cadet; Mon Jun 15 2020 08:23 AM. Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Especially when she is pushing for me to move out.
Its as if she thinks I want to stay as its comfortable and I don't want to start over. I mean as much as I can understand why she feels like that, and to a certain extent it is partially true, I don't want to start again. I got married because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. It may have took me some years to finally grow up and realise, but I just love her. I want a happy marriage and I want a happy family.
I will keep trying to Detach from the situation and try my best to not let it affect me. Its a hard time to try and GAL while still in lockdown.
I think the hardest part is that once I have finally grew up and stopped a lot of the things which caused a divide between us throughout our relationship is the time she wants to walk away.
Onward and upward, I cant control her feelings, I can just keep improving on me and realise that whatever happens I will be fine. Its not what I wanted but I have told her how I feel. For it to ever work she needs to choose the marriage and be willing to talk about the real reasons why it didn't work. I believe in love and if what we had was ever love then I think its possible to re-connect that love.
Do not move out. She wants to leave, she can move out.
Become the best father to your 3 kids you can be. Forget her, and start to move on. Assume she will follow through on the D and stop acting like her H. GAL (every minute you aren't with your kids, you are busy!). Continue to 180 on bad behavior. Make sure your changes are permanent. DO NOT POINT OUT YOUR CHANGES TO HER. Just show them through your actions. Get into IC to help cement the positive changes.
As Cadet's response reads, DETACH. Learn what detachment is (and better, what it isn't) and then work on being detached.
Give her time and space. Remove all pressure and pursuit. Be the best you can be (as ovr said), and just put all of your focus on yourself and being the best dad you can be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The only thing that I am scared of with not moving out is that she says she will just move out and take the kids with her. That’s not what I want. The house is mortgaged and in her name but we are married. The last time this happens she wanted space and I moved out to give her some but opposite scale. I moved out wanted to work on things, once I was out she didn’t even want to try. So as much as I want to stay put, i want my kids and her tbh to be here too.
We got on during the first 2 months of lockdown, which is crazy cause I know couples who were driving each other crazy. But we got on and then this out of the blue.
I am learning to detach. As I said it’s hard cause I’m finally at the point of wanting to finally fix any issues we have so we can actually start to make a future. Whereas she is not. She just uses the past against me.
I will keep reading the detachment link to keep myself straight.
First of all, you cannot prevent her from leaving. She is a grown woman and can leave if she wants. In fact, if she wants to leave then you should WANT her to go. No one ever reconciled a marriage by getting their WAS to do something they didn't want to do.
Second, taking the kids is a legal thing. If she were to leave and take the kids, then you need an attorney that can handle family matters. She is not entitled to take the kids. She is not entitled to only allow them to see you when she wants to. There are laws governing this stuff.
So you stay in the house. Whose name the house is mortgages is immaterial. It is a marital asset. It is your home and place of residence. You have rights under the law.
To me it sounds like you want to leave to be "nice". Nice and a dollar will get you a can of soda. You cannot nice her back. Nice will get you out of the house, barely able to see your kids unless she allows it and you will still end up D'd. Forget nice. Learn what you have a legal right to. And then exercise your rights.
Ever hear of Nice Guy Syndrome. Might want to look into it. Sounds like you might have a touch of it at a minimum.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I totally understand what you are saying and I do agree to a certain extent.
We have went through this a few times and the one thing I will say is that she won’t stop me seeing my kids, she has never been like that. We worked it quite ok last time, but obviously I don’t want to just have my kids for 50% of my life. I believe in family and if you choose to be married and have kids, then that was you choice and whatever happens you make it work, not just for the kids as I don’t think anyone should be miserable in a marriage. But you talk, you talk and talk until you come to a solution.
So you are right I can’t nice her back, I just don’t want to be painted as a bad person, you know what it’s like people always put their opinion on it and if she is the one to leave no doubt I will be played as the villain. I am not forcing her to go anywhere, as you said if she leaves that’s her choice to make she is a grown woman.
Thanks a lot for the replies, it makes me feel like I am going less crazy. And make me feel a lot d at Yeo her when I think about the situation.
The only thing that I am scared of with not moving out is that she says she will just move out and take the kids with her. That’s not what I want.
Burn this into your new behavior: Do not let fear control you.
Knowledge is power. I would get legal advise. If you then see any signs that she is going to leave you can start acting (legally) to protect your relationship with your children. That is what is important. Your relationship with your children. As their father you do everything in your power to protect that relationship. You also protect the relationship they have with their mother.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
