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Ready2Change -

Thank you for your kind words. That was a lot of information I just dropped, but I’m spite of that I’m more interested in learning than declaring, and that goes for my relationship as well.

You make good points about listening more than speaking - that’s been something I’m definitely guilty of during our relationship, and it’s something I’m actively working to change. I’ve completely (well, nearly completely, I do slip up) volunteering information or suggestions, and now I just wait for my wife to share, if she does. But I’m here to learn, and to change. So thank you, and please keep making suggestions.

Sandi2 - as far as compliments, it’s a delicate balance. For a good month or two I found some success leaving her kind, supporting notes where she left her purse. “You are a badass,” “we love and appreciate what you do,” etc. kind, non-physical compliments. It was a strange time - she obviously appreciated them, mostly laughing but saying nothing when she found them. But it was as though she sort of... laughed them off and ignored me. It was a time of increased relaxation for her, but also of increased boundary pushing by her. It felt like she was comfortable, and stopped working on herself. Her anger toward me and the kids would spike, and her personal responsibility was zero during that time.

When I started following the advice form The Solo Partner - absolutely no pursuit, make yourself scarce - she started to take notice, and I would hear her making statements about personal responsibility. “I need to work on my anger, the kids don’t deserve this.” She started sharing her feelings with me.

So it’s a very confusing set of results. Of course I want to compliment my wife and make her feel good about herself. I want to do that 24 hours a day. But when I do, she stops working on herself. When I pull back, she takes personal responsibility. It’s very, very confusing.

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Small update. I’m trying to follow all the advice given here, pulling back where I can, being scarce, working on myself, and trying not to look for the “why” too much in her behavior.

I’m still thrown off by the occasional comment. We are barely living as husband and wife, other than sharing time with the kids. Yet when I pull back I occasionally get comments, such as yesterday, when she noticed me being conservative with my words and asked what seemed like a heartfelt, confused “is something wrong?”

It’s so hard not to feel like this is a game. Is... something wrong? Is she kidding, or toying with me? She seems genuinely concerned - but how can she not know what’s wrong?

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Originally Posted by Hoch
I’m still thrown off by the occasional comment. We are barely living as husband and wife, other than sharing time with the kids. Yet when I pull back I occasionally get comments, such as yesterday, when she noticed me being conservative with my words and asked what seemed like a heartfelt, confused “is something wrong?”

It’s so hard not to feel like this is a game. Is... something wrong? Is she kidding, or toying with me? She seems genuinely concerned - but how can she not know what’s wrong?


It is a game with high stakes. Learn to play it well.


There are so many ways to respond to the "Is something wrong?" question//comment.

This one sticks out:
"Nothing you need to worry about"

The state of the relationship dictates how to respond. Tone, inflections, body language, eye contact, facial expression, actions afterwards, are all key in saying this.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change


It is a game with high stakes. Learn to play it well.


Thanks for replying. Forgive me for being obtuse, but is the game you’re referring to the distancer/pursuer dance? If so, I’m still not sure if she’s being willfully ignorant when she asks me what’s wrong, is trying to bait me into an argument, or is somehow oblivious to the dynamic between us (which seems unlikely).

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WOW! My heart just breaks reading about the situation with your sons. I agree, the younger child will follow the older child's behavior.

Is your son in special education classes at school, or is he in mainstream classroom settings? I don't how the teacher would be able to conduct class with so much distraction. Mainstream classroom teachers would want the parents to immediately put him on medication for ADHD.

I try not to express disagreement with another poster's advice, and although I get what was meant by making yourself scarce.......b/c that is the usual advice we give in the more common situations. However, you have a unique situation at home, and not being available for hands-on parenting, is only going to make matters worse, IMHO. I think your W is threatening D simply b/c she is so frazzled she sees no light at the end of tunnel. Not being there to relieve some of the stress related to the kids, just might be the last straw.

Both of you, and especially your W, is experiencing burnout. I think it's critical to find real support ASAP. Does your area have a program & facility where the child can stay while the parents take a break? I encourage you to check with the school district special education supervisor. S/he should be in the know of any such facilities in the area. The school district's social worker may be able to get you in contact with support groups, or some type of help. Perhaps you have tried all those sources and found nothing, but please do some checking on your own. Just talking or listening to parents who are dealing with sp. needs children, is emotionally supportive. Whatever the problem, it helps to know you aren't alone. If I were your W, I'd feel very alone, and pretty hopeless. I'd need lots of emotional and physical support from other sources. If she won't respond to any of your suggestions, it may be due to her feeling hopeless about the situation with S5, and of course, those feelings overflow to the MR.

How does your W deal with the kids when their actions get out of control? What type of discipline is used, if any? Have you been told that he cannot learn to control or react to his impulses?

To be honest, some parents would be afraid for their children to play with S5, if he has violent tendencies. When you don't know exactly what makes him do what he does, or how much can be controlled, I would think he would need constant supervision around S2 or any other playmate. So, it's not like he can be left at someone's house who isn't going to really watch closely. It's understandable that some parents would shy away from having play dates. frown

There has to be something out there that could enlighten and guide parents who have a child with this condition. If there is a name for it, then there is surely some specialist who could tell parents what to do. (I'm not pointing fingers at you, whatsoever.) In the meantime, your W really needs emotional support, as well as physical.......b/c she is quickly drowning. I don't how people make it without family around them, but many couples are facing similar issues without family. If other parents aren't sympathetic, or they blame your parenting style, your W will naturally avoid them. Depression hinders a person from going out and making new friends. And, with this type of depression, the person begins feeling hopeless b/c they can't see things getting better. They are in the thing that depresses them day in and day out. I wish she had a therapist that would actually help her find solutions. Is she currently taking any antidepressants?

You mentioned how you suggested baby-sitting swap-out, which I think is a great idea. However, it goes back to what I was saying about other parents not knowing how to deal with S5. I certainly would hesitate to babysit a child that had those issues, not knowing what to expect. Parents who have children with mental, emotional, or physical special needs, often find that others are afraid to babysit b/c that's just how some people are. People who are not educated or experienced are the ones who are afraid, and who might judge.

Sorry, I'm rambling on and not really offering much of anything. I think of something we often pass along to people the advice of flight attendants. You must first grab the oxygen mask, before you can help anyone else. I think you and your W are going down, and need the oxygen mask. I'm not telling you a thing you don't already know. There have been many parents of sp. needs children to come to the board. Maybe someone will see your story and recommend something helpful. Don't give up searching. I wish I could be more helpful.

(((hugs)))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
It is a game with high stakes. Learn to play it well.
Originally Posted by Hoch
is the game you’re referring to the distance/pursuer dance?
That is a small part.

Every interaction you have with your spouse is important. There are ways of behaving that will make you more or less attractive in her eyes.

Reflect on your past behaviors. You most likely have a handful of unattractive behaviors. You most likely are lacking in other areas. Drop the unattractive and start practicing new attractive behaviors.

For example, listening. Become an expert in validation. Do not argue with her. This is one piece of the puzzle.

Parenting is another. Start reading parenting books. Take classes.

Talking. Use the least amount of words needed to get the point across. Use the simplest words as well.


W:"Why are you reading a parenting book?"
"I decided to learn some parenting skills from some experts."


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hey Hoch, how about an update?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I’m here folks, barely. Thank you honestly for checking in. It means a lot to have a group of people to talk to.

The last weeks have seen some pretty significant ups and downs. Things had been on a mostly positive trend - the other night I got a sincere “thank you for everything you do” from my wife, which I think may be the first kind, compassionate thing she’s said to me in almost a year. Most days she pretends I don’t exist.

But then the kids’ behavior, mostly the 5 year old, ratcheted through the roof. My wife started asking for more time away - while I’m working. My workload that I’m doing WFH doubled. And I have some new medical concerns that are gnawing at me and only adding to the stress. In addition, the family got sick - we don’t think it’s COVID, but it has everyone dragging and barely able to keep our eyes open.

When this happens, my wife’s attitude toward me turns completely cold and it feels like the whole cycle begins again.

I’d like to think I’m still on the right path. I’m doing everything I can to shed old patterns, detach, find and hold onto my own calm and peace. Right now I’m going through a moment of hopelessness, but I know it will pass. I need to pull out my copies of Divorce Remedy and Solo Partner and start again at chapter one.

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Sandi2, I also want to say thank you for your kind words, and especially the digital hug at the end smile.

I haven’t been able to report much lately due to how hectic things are, but I want you to know how much your kindness is helping me during a tough time. Even when people can’t always reply, kindness and compassion online can make a world of difference.

I appreciate the suggestions and am tracking down each one to see if it can help me/us. If the only thing I can do in a day is stay positive and maintain hope, I’ll call that a good day.

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We all understand. Posting here is important, but not as important as doing the real work in your life. post as you can.

Right now, just don't feed the emotional cycles. Listening to understand and validation of her emotions is your job as the man. Stay busy taking care of things. You, the kids, your work, your cars, your house etc.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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