H snooped and found my plans for Mexico vacation and was livid... thinking that he can't afford diddly squat and here I am taking a vacation... (he has no idea how much I struggle financially right now with 2 different attorney retainers, S18 going to college in 1 month, and he has no idea that I'm not paying for this vacation - he let his own mind and demons get the best of him.)
So...being able to afford to go to Mexico is worse than porking some slut, and leaving your W to go pork her some more? Sorry to be graphic and blunt, but the excuses LBSs make for a lying cheater are so sad.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't hate my H. I forgive him. I want peace for myself.
There cannot be true forgiveness without repentance. I am glad to see you willing to let go of his mistakes and not hold them against him, but you can never truly forgive him until he is sorry for them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am curious what this apology looks like in your mind? I get the feeling that it is filled with expectations. You are going to come away disappointed. He doesn't deserve an apology right now.
You can work towards forgiving yourself and getting yourself to a healthy/happy place. That should be the goal.
You are exhausted because you have been holding on for dear life. It is time to drop the rope.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
He cannot even begin to compare buying "his" new place/house to your going on a trip to Mexico. I'm sorry, but I do not feel sorry for him if he has to tighten his belt a bit to make ends meet because he's walked away from his commitment to a marriage, wife, home and step son.
The only person you need to forgive is yourself. You've been beating yourself up for quite some time and now it's time to forgive yourself and stop thinking that the breakup is all your fault...it is not. He didn't put forth all that much effort to call a little meeting and sit down and talk to you about things. He waited until the time was right for him to leave and generally, the ow helps them to make that choice. If she was in the wings and helping him to build up the nerve to walk, then this was an exit affair.
Do not, and I repeat, do not take on all of the guilt of what happened. It's time to forgive yourself and turn this around...hold your head up high, back straight and repeat over and over again "I am a good person, I did not go out there and have affair on my spouse".
KC...you can do this and btw, please do not contact him...sit on the knowledge that you have about his calendar and let's see if he truly does have an attorney or if he's trying to manipulate you into doing something that your attorney has advised you not to do. Sometimes doing nothing is the best way to go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am curious what this apology looks like in your mind? I get the feeling that it is filled with expectations. You are going to come away disappointed. He doesn't deserve an apology right now.
You can work towards forgiving yourself and getting yourself to a healthy/happy place. That should be the goal.
You are exhausted because you have been holding on for dear life. It is time to drop the rope.
You are right. I mean don't get me wrong. I'm filled with true remorse for a lot of my behaviors. But, you are right. Somewhere down deep I want to plant some seed in my H that... "oh she gets it now", "she really gets it now"
^^^Thanks for calling me out on my BS.
LH you are going to love this next piece!!!!
If you remember in my H's last statement that he talked about feeling pinned, restricted and ultamatems and life living in fear is no life worth living? So there was a time when went on a motorbike ride that I insisted my H wear his helmet. REALLY??? My H is a grown man he should be able to make his own decisions about his own safety. It really made him angry.
Why would I do that? Why would I exert control like he wasn't an adult? Well, control is based in fear. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of him being seriously hurt. We've all seen the statistics right? Well LH from my childhood my own father was riding a motorbike when I was 6? Had a very very bad accident and was told the only reason he survived was the helmet that at the time was required by law. I remember my mom being very uspet and getting woken up to got to hospital late at night and watching my dad recover. It was years before my dad would get on a bike again after that. So I was afraid of my H getting hurt - I exerted control and made him resentful rather than letting him make his own decision about his safety.
Same with smoking. My H was respectful and never did it around me or in the house. But, it bothered me greatly. I did spend a great deal of time nagging him but in the last 2-3 years I stopped because I realized it wasn't working. Why did I freak out so much that my H smoked? I was worried for his health. Terrified of lung cancer. Was my H not an educated man? Could he not make his own health care decisions? I grew up with father who chained smoked in the house. I couldn't stand the smell it made me retch. I grew up in the age where they crammed fear into small children to not smoke by showing the horrible nasty things that happen -- the black sooty lungs got passed around. I grew up terrified my father was going to die from lung disease. It was probably a legimate fear but it was extremely over exaggerated when I was younger. So I'm letting my childhood triggers and fears try to dictate my H's behavior. Its like this light bulb went off when I started understanding my controlling behaviors and how I micromanaged EVERYTHING to the point of exhaustion... My H is a very competent adult - my trying to manage his health was completely disrespectful.
Did I have the best intentions - I did... I was showing how much I cared. (that is where my head is.... I wasn't taking the time to see how my actions were coming across.)
Right now my H sees me as this person living in fear... but that's just because of how I tried to manage him.
PART 2 is this:
NOW last fall in my head I was looking forward to getting out on the motorbike more with my H. Going to this restaurant an hour away... this place that place. However, I never spoke of that to my H. I kept in my head. I just figured summer would be here and I would say hey lets go here... or can we do this?
My H was under the impression I did not like the motorbike - why? Because that is how my cautious actions led him to feel. I never spoke of my true desires to my H. I expected my H to read my mind?
H is completely pissed saying how can you even go sailing when you wouldn't even go out of the fishing boat with me? I kid you not last fall I told myself I would have my H take me fishing no less than 2 times this summer. I booked a charter fishing trip last spring for just the two of us on vacation and loved it! The plan was to take another charter trip last March --- obviously he BD me and then COVID so it wouldn't have happened anyway.
But, again I expected my H to mind read and know that I wanted to go fishing with him this summer. I mean I could have spoken up last fall by simply saying "I can't wait for warmer weather so we can go out on the boat together" He thinks I hate the boat and don't want to fish with him. How could I have been so dumb?
Of course the saddest part now is that telling him any of this will come across as desperate and begging/pleading. He won't believe its the honest truth (because it is). So I have to sit with the knowledge that I expected my H to read my mind...
That I just needed more pushing... if he would just keep asking and involving me (because I really wanted too). But, my H states that if he needed to push me more then that meant I really didn't want it. Why did I expect my H to push me more? All I can think of is that I wanted to feel wanted??? Was that me being needy???
^^^I don't have a good reason for that but deep in my heart I wanted him to keep asking me... but also I planned this summer to surprise him by me asking him.
^^^None of this is excusing my H's behavior or choices. I'm just trying to find a way to live with mine. I was steering this boat and ran it aground.
Soooooo... you wanted him to wear a helmet, quit smoking and you don't like fishing and you put on a few pounds. Yep, that's grounds for an affair and divorce (insert LH eye roll).
Here's the bottom line. History dictates when things get tough (which they do in marriage) your H monkey branches searching for happiness. This will certainly happen to luck lady (another LH eye roll) number 3.
So you told him to wear a helmet and to stop smoking (a disgusting, deadly, and EXPENSIVE habit by the way). And you didn't go fishing with him. And he thought you didn't like the motorbike.
Wow you were awful KC! How did he put up with you this long?
By the way, my W makes me wear a seatbelt every time we are in a vehicle together. She hates the smell of coffee and lets me know it every time I drink a cup. She has never gone hunting with me once, in the 18 years that it has been my passion. And I've owned an ATV since 2013 and she's never ridden it or rode on it with me.
Yet I've never porked a slut and accused her of being overbearing and controlling and THAT'S why I did it.
HE AIN'T THE VICTIM HERE.
KC, you can write this prediction down. I've made it before and you dismissed it. But I've been doing this long enough to know the truth about As and how they start. Here is the prediction:
One day you will find out that he and OW were involved LONG before you knew about it. And that all of this other stuff that you attach so much significance to is meaningless. That none of it caused his A. And that you've been agonizing over all of it as if your mistakes FORCED him into the arms of another woman for no reason. One day that delusion will be shattered by the truth.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
H made a comment about my family not liking him. I told him that wasn't true. I mean my family has my back. I was at am extreme low point and my mom kind of came in and took over by pressuring an atty, making the appt, making the call to start paperwork. I was so non-functional shortly after BD.
He stated my mom was why we couldn't work this out/be together. My mom did do something some time ago that I wish she had not. It was crossing a boundary. I was not happy she did it. I understand why she did it and its pointless to lay blame on any one party.
This happened 4yr ago?
H stated my mom couldn't mind her own business and I tried to laugh by saying "now you know where I get it from" But, he was right. That should have never happened.
If he was thinking recon - would that really weigh heavily??? I only have my perception of the event and I'm trying to see it from his side. Would that incident from 4yr ago truly be a reason we couldn't salvage our M? I mean he brought it up after all this time like it was yesterday so it must have deeply hurt him or he sees it a huge red flag.
"I wanted him to wear a helmet and quit smoking" is a tiny compared to "He cheated on you and left."
Yes, insisting he wear a helmet was controlling. It would've been better to tell him you prefer he wear a helmet for his safety, or that you won't ride with him because you don't want to see what happens, or you won't let the kids ride with him because you don't want them to see irresponsible behavior.
Originally Posted by KitCat
My H is a very competent adult - my trying to manage his health was completely disrespectful.
Most teens understand the value of seatbelts and helmets. His life, his choices though.
H made a comment about my family not liking him. I told him that wasn't true. I mean my family has my back. I was at am extreme low point and my mom kind of came in and took over by pressuring an atty, making the appt, making the call to start paperwork. I was so non-functional shortly after BD.
He stated my mom was why we couldn't work this out/be together. My mom did do something some time ago that I wish she had not. It was crossing a boundary. I was not happy she did it. I understand why she did it and its pointless to lay blame on any one party.
This happened 4yr ago?
H stated my mom couldn't mind her own business and I tried to laugh by saying "now you know where I get it from" But, he was right. That should have never happened.
If he was thinking recon - would that really weigh heavily??? I only have my perception of the event and I'm trying to see it from his side. Would that incident from 4yr ago truly be a reason we couldn't salvage our M? I mean he brought it up after all this time like it was yesterday so it must have deeply hurt him or he sees it a huge red flag.
I don't know.
No. Just no. After all this time you are still believing anything that comes out of his lying mouth. Digging up the past. Rewriting history. Changing the narrative to excuse their own behavior. All behaviors of lying cheaters. Read any sitch here and you will see the same things going on. Don't fall for it.
He married you, not your mom.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
But, he was right. That should have never happened.