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KC, this post makes me sad. Why? Because you continue to blame yourself. No matter how many times we tell you that NOTHING you did justifies what he did. It isn't even logical. "I was a bad W so he went out and lied and cheated on me." Huh? That is like saying :"The kitchen faucet leaked so he burned down the whole house."

The only forgiveness you should be worrying about right now is forgiving yourself. I don't think you have that ability without help, but I won't kick that dead horse again.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by KitCat
This is a separation settlement and it frees up the financial order.

Why?! This was his goal, not yours. What is driving you to push for a settlement a.s.a.p.??

The advice we all gave was to let go of control and sit for a week--let him see an attorney, have his attorney contact yours, and then have your attorney can help you get what the court deems fair.

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Steve is right. You continue to blame yourself and excuse your H's actions. Like I said in an earlier post, I can relate to how you feel. I struggled for months and months blaming myself, and I sometimes have to catch myself when I start going down that rabbit hole again. It's a horrible feeling.

Clearly you are reacting to your emotions right now because you saw that H made an appt with an attorney. If you release those funds (against your lawyers advice), I can see your H using that money to buy OW a big, fat engagement ring.

Kit - slow down. This is going to take a long time to resolve itself one way or another. But don't sabotage yourself by hoping releasing the funds will get H to pump the brakes on getting an attorney. He's going to take that money and use it on the OW. F that.

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Originally Posted by Steve85
KC, this post makes me sad. Why? Because you continue to blame yourself. No matter how many times we tell you that NOTHING you did justifies what he did. It isn't even logical. "I was a bad W so he went out and lied and cheated on me." Huh? That is like saying :"The kitchen faucet leaked so he burned down the whole house."

The only forgiveness you should be worrying about right now is forgiving yourself. I don't think you have that ability without help, but I won't kick that dead horse again.


I had this discussion with my mother this morning.

I've been doing the work and looking at my own short comings. That is what I am taking responsibility for. MY actions. My mom stated that H hasn't apologized and he needs to for X, Y, Z. I told my mother just because I'm at a place where I can apologize and look at my actions and the role they played is completely independent of my H being at a place to do the work and apologize. Maybe never does. I do not control that. Just because he didn't apologize doesn't excuse me from doing so.

I agree Steve85. He made his own choices. I'm not excusing his behavior just because I took responsibility for mine. The affair is a symptom of M in trouble but not the cause. I wasn't talking about forgiving him but forgiving myself for the behaviors I am responsible for.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
After some serious soul searching last night I've decided to move forward and reach a settlement with my H.

I am sorry KK but you are trying to BS us here. You are looking for a reason to pursue. Look at me over here H. I am freeing up your money! Look at me!
Originally Posted by KitCat
This is a separation settlement and it frees up the financial order. I will not move it to D at this time. I need some peace and I need to stop my fairytale.

Ok. So when this doesn't work what is your next play?
Originally Posted by KitCat
LH is right. There is just a lot of anger --- anger for things I did, anger for things I didn't do and anger for the things he did because of it all. He isn't ready to let go of that anger, but I am.

So you think this will dissipate the anger? This is going to sound really mean but they are going to get a good laugh about this move on your part.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I've reached a point where I can see a big chunk of my mistakes... certainly not all as I'm still working through it all but I'm at point where I can apologize with sincerity and mean it and know I can do better moving forward. I'm not sure I'm about forgiveness yet. I suppose that comes much later.

I think you better wait on that apology because I think the obituary and FB postings are just the beginning based on his past history.

KK I am not against you giving him the money that is rightfully his just do it right now based on your urge to try to do something. You will surely regret it down the road.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
This is a separation settlement and it frees up the financial order.

Why?! This was his goal, not yours. What is driving you to push for a settlement a.s.a.p.??

The advice we all gave was to let go of control and sit for a week--let him see an attorney, have his attorney contact yours, and then have your attorney can help you get what the court deems fair.


Because right now - as it stands... the settlement he is proposing is 100% in my favor exponentially. That I cannot deny.

Trust me I will do nothing, sign nothing without my atty. But, what he is wanting settled seriously benefits me greatly.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
[quote=CWarrior]Trust me I will do nothing, sign nothing without my atty. But, what he is wanting settled seriously benefits me greatly.

If your attorney believes this settlement is better than the law entitles you to, that's wonderful!

If this is only better than your ex convinced you you're entitled to (his belief vs. the law's belief on shared monies), or ties up your potential liquidity into his home, slow down. I only put those caveats in there to help you consider other angles. I suspect your attorney will give you a good rundown if you ask. My attorney usually needs a couple of days to assess a written offer. When your H displays anger, you tend to want to release the discomfort you feel, and in the past that sometimes meant doing things not best for you.

Good luck and go KitCat!

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
After some serious soul searching last night I've decided to move forward and reach a settlement with my H.

I am sorry KK but you are trying to BS us here. You are looking for a reason to pursue. Look at me over here H. I am freeing up your money! Look at me!


I think I want peace. I don't want to keep living my life thinking one story in my head and then be served with D papers out of the blue.
Quote

Originally Posted by KitCat
This is a separation settlement and it frees up the financial order. I will not move it to D at this time. I need some peace and I need to stop my fairytale.

Ok. So when this doesn't work what is your next play?


Moving on? Letting go? Stop living in denial that since he isn't doing X that must mean he is having second thoughts?
Quote

Originally Posted by KitCat
LH is right. There is just a lot of anger --- anger for things I did, anger for things I didn't do and anger for the things he did because of it all. He isn't ready to let go of that anger, but I am.

So you think this will dissipate the anger? This is going to sound really mean but they are going to get a good laugh about this move on your part.


Maybe. But, I can't live my life worry about what H is or is not doing.

I understand what you stated that his anger will take a very long time to dissipate and there is nothing I can do to speed that up. His timeline is not my timeline.

Quote

Originally Posted by KitCat
I've reached a point where I can see a big chunk of my mistakes... certainly not all as I'm still working through it all but I'm at point where I can apologize with sincerity and mean it and know I can do better moving forward. I'm not sure I'm about forgiveness yet. I suppose that comes much later.

I think you better wait on that apology because I think the obituary and FB postings are just the beginning based on his past history.

KK I am not against you giving him the money that is rightfully his just do it right now based on your urge to try to do something. You will surely regret it down the road.



Let's not get on the path of regrets... LOL. The settlement he is offering is completely in my favor. I don't want to be in a position where I cut my nose off to spite my face.

There is a lot of hurt on both sides. We have been legally separated for 4 1/2mo now. I need to let go. No doing the settlement is me hanging on to my H. Everyone here keeps telling me to drop the rope. LH I'm exhausted.

H snooped and found my plans for Mexico vacation and was livid... thinking that he can't afford diddly squat and here I am taking a vacation... (he has no idea how much I struggle financially right now with 2 different attorney retainers, S18 going to college in 1 month, and he has no idea that I'm not paying for this vacation - he let his own mind and demons get the best of him.)

I don't hate my H. I forgive him. I want peace for myself.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by KitCat
[quote=CWarrior]Trust me I will do nothing, sign nothing without my atty. But, what he is wanting settled seriously benefits me greatly.

If your attorney believes this settlement is better than the law entitles you to, that's wonderful!

If this is only better than your ex convinced you you're entitled to (his belief vs. the law's belief on shared monies), or ties up your potential liquidity into his home, slow down. I only put those caveats in there to help you consider other angles. I suspect your attorney will give you a good rundown if you ask. My attorney usually needs a couple of days to assess a written offer. Good luck and go KitCat!


I absolutely will not accept anything my atty hasn't reviewed but yes... this is completely in my favor. It comes down to splitting retirement accts at this point. He has given me a settlement on everything else - it needs to be in writing so he doesn't get angry and change his mind.

For example- when he found out I'm going to Mexico in September he became resentful he was paying for S18 car and is unable to take a vacation and can't afford a new vehicle or to get his fixed...

Of course the snarky me (let's face it we all have a snarky side) was like... well... you wanted the simple life. You want those sweet vacations we took you need to hook up with a woman with a higher earning potential... LMAO. I know not nice but I think going there with humor helps me move forward.

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Sooooooo... are you canceling the trip because Hubby is livid?

KK my heart breaks for you because although troubled I think you have a good heart.

I just wish you understood you can't fix this and doing nothing is actually doing something.

Although it's impossible for you to see at the time, this is 100% survivable no matter how it goes. I've been happier divorced than I was for years being married. I 100% believe in marriage, and I miss the feeling and comfort of "being married" but I do not miss my ex at all, and her behavior should not have been tolerated for as long as it was. At the time I couldn't see it, I thought she was the most wonderful woman ever, and that certainly I could fix this. I was wrong on both counts.

This is the value of hind sight, and unfortunately for most people, you can't absorb it until you're ready.

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