So you were ow with his first W and were engaged before he was D?
Yep. Just like in the Justin Timberlake song.
I had nothing to do with his first marriage ending.
We met months after his legal separation. I was under the impression he was D. I believe there had been dating with both of them. I didn't go out with him after our first date for nearly 6 weeks. Its complicated. What I saw was a man being railroaded and his kids with held. He will tell anyone even now that I was crucial in helping him understand his rights and how he was being abused when it came to his kids.
He proposed after 5 months of dating and he moved in 4mo before his D was final. I'm not proud of that now. I did not break up his M, that was already done. I do believe my H's narrative of the M because I was witness to on going issues for 10yr. It was 10yr of her with holding his kids repeatedly for months at a time (the atty file folder is HUGE.)
Anyway, with that being said. I know my H. I suppose that's why my heart breaks so much.
I recently went on a date who just got out of a 5 year relationship and he got into it with her before he was legally divorced. I chose not to go out with him again for that reason. Usually someone has major unresolved issues when they don’t take a second to heal or learn from their divorce .
And a guy who proposes while he’s still married??? HUGE red flag! It seems as if it’s his MO. Find a back plan when the primary plan isn’t working .
I recently went on a date who just got out of a 5 year relationship and he got into it with her before he was legally divorced. I chose not to go out with him again for that reason. Usually someone has major unresolved issues when they don’t take a second to heal or learn from their divorce .
And a guy who proposes while he’s still married??? HUGE red flag! It seems as if it’s his MO. Find a back plan when the primary plan isn’t working .
I know
I did not give a lot of details but it was like it was just meant to be. I kept trying to put on the brakes. I fell so hard and so fast and he was so happy for the longest time.
As I said I am not proud and I carry some guilt/shame. And, frankly this was unfair to my step kids. I can't change the past. I do try to own it.
I recognize my controlling behaviors and how dismissive and disrespectful I was of my H. I'm in a pickle of my own making. I would give anything to not lose my H or my M. I guess that's clear.
Today I've definitely been driving the struggle bus. I know I have to drop the rope and walk away.
I can certainly understand the shame you are feeling. I remember those feelings very vividly and really struggled with that. You have to remember that this isn’t all about you. Did you make mistakes? Sure. Do your mistakes justify the actions your H has taken? Not even close.
Your H clearly has issues that have nothing to do with you. He had these issues long before you even met him, keep that in mind. You have been willing to move mountains, he hasn’t and that’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. I would bet a mortgage payment that his relationship with OW will not last because he has done nothing to work on his internal issues. It’s just a matter of time. And it don’t care if they have known each other since high school, their relationship is built on a house of cards and it will getting windy sooner or later.
If you are still unwilling to invest in therapy (there are some amazing and compassionate therapists out there), then I would encourage you to shift gears and instead of reading relationship books, read books about codependency and healing toxic shame. There’s lots of great YouTube videos out there as well.
The time is now, Kit. Start investing in yourself.
I can certainly understand the shame you are feeling. I remember those feelings very vividly and really struggled with that. You have to remember that this isn’t all about you. Did you make mistakes? Sure. Do your mistakes justify the actions your H has taken? Not even close.
Your H clearly has issues that have nothing to do with you. He had these issues long before you even met him, keep that in mind. You have been willing to move mountains, he hasn’t and that’s nothing for you to be ashamed of. I would bet a mortgage payment that his relationship with OW will not last because he has done nothing to work on his internal issues. It’s just a matter of time. And it don’t care if they have known each other since high school, their relationship is built on a house of cards and it will getting windy sooner or later.
If you are still unwilling to invest in therapy (there are some amazing and compassionate therapists out there), then I would encourage you to shift gears and instead of reading relationship books, read books about codependency and healing toxic shame. There’s lots of great YouTube videos out there as well.
The time is now, Kit. Start investing in yourself.
Thank you for all that!
You bet I've been willing to move mountains!!! But, wasn't my H doing something when he was here- hoping that things would change??? I wasn't getting it. Not even close but he was still coming home and each day a lot more discouraged and unhappy than the day before.
I'm in a lot of hurt right now because my H didn't feel respected - that disrespect led to a lot of emotional turmoil resulting in a relationship that felt hopeless to him.
I don't excuse his choice to immediately become involved with someone else. I recognize that as a band aid.
AND - I hear you. That you expect this relationship to fail. But, Thornton my H has been able to eliminate so many of the stressors that trigger his life to be unbearable here. He no longer has the commute. He has a close group of friends-that of course involve him and OW. He is close to his parents and goes out the family farm many days a week. He states "in general" he is very happy.
I've considered coaching instead of therapy. IDK. Working on it. I am doing a lot of Brene Brown right now and I realize I have a lot of shame to deal with.
I've considered apologizing to my SS20, SD19 and this is going WAY out there because H's XW made big chunks of my life difficult but I've even considered apologizing to her as well. I'm not sure this is the best action. Am I doing it for me? Then I probably shouldn't. I should only do it if I'm truly doing it for them. I still need to sit with that more.
At the very least being on here is keeping me off my phone where the temptation is too great at the moment.
I’m a big proponent of relationship books and have read over 25 myself. You have to get to the root of your issues and IMO you can only do that in therapy. These are not you left the cap of the toothpaste issues. Control and unhealthy attachments are not something that can be treated by a BB video. Coaching would IMO be a complete waste of money right now.
If the therapy issue was a 1:1 issue, I wonder if group therapy or online therapy would address concerns. The first means you're never alone with them, the second means they never know who you are.
After some serious soul searching last night I've decided to move forward and reach a settlement with my H.
This is a separation settlement and it frees up the financial order. I will not move it to D at this time. I need some peace and I need to stop my fairytale.
LH is right. There is just a lot of anger --- anger for things I did, anger for things I didn't do and anger for the things he did because of it all. He isn't ready to let go of that anger, but I am.
I've reached a point where I can see a big chunk of my mistakes... certainly not all as I'm still working through it all but I'm at point where I can apologize with sincerity and mean it and know I can do better moving forward. I'm not sure I'm about forgiveness yet. I suppose that comes much later.
