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KC, once you get over the hump about caring about getting him back you will find such strength in yourself. It feels so good to GENUINELY know that you don't deserve what he has been plating out (cheating, lying) and at the end of the day it doesn't matter how good or bad of a wife you were, those things he did are uncalled for and unacceptable. PLEASE talk to an IC to help you get over this hump. You need someone to help you get past this point. No one here wants to see you stuck in this circle, I have a friend who is ahead of me in the whole D journey and she reality checks me sometimes and holds me accountable and we are trying to do the same thing for your virtually.

Block him completely and find a therapist. You are holding yourself back and I'm sorry but your H does NOT deserve you running through the wringer over and over again. He has good qualities yes but he has some bad qualities too and its not fair that you are killing yourself trying to fix everything and he doesn't have to fix himself.

I promise you that when you finally push yourself over this spot you are hung up on, you'll look back and feel like you were crazy to think that way in the first place.

I'm saying all this with care. It hurts to be the one left behind so I care about the rest of us in this same boat, we are all trying to pull you along with us. Time to move forward KC. And you need a third person (IC) to help you get there because reading your self help books is just making you focus more instead of detaching. You need to put your self analysis on the back burner until you stop worrying about him.

Virtual hugs girl.

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So I'm off today and feeling a bit lazy but I've got stuff to do!!!

Filled my bird feeders. I have a wooded back yard and get all kinds of visitors - lots of birds, tons of squirrels but if its early enough or dusk and I'm patient I can see momma possum and her babies. WAY too many racoons. I have a fox that lives just behind me and sometimes I'll leave out food for him to lure him out for me to get a glimpse of him. Don't usually have deer visitors until fall or winter when food is more scarce.

I needed to work on things for the party coming up but my hard drive DIED.. can't access anything. Thank goodness S18 is a computer nerd - he thinks he can change out the power board on the drive for $10 and save the day... now waiting on snail mail.

I haven't been to a store since BD. I used to do 100% of the shopping but I just started having S18 do it ---- its gonna be hard when that kid goes to college and I have to start doing it myself again.

Had purchased a new king size bed last August and previously had queen size so new headboard had been on the list but pretty far down on the list. WELL, 2 days ago bit the bullet and ordered a new headboard and the adapter kit to get it to work with adjustable bed bases.

Also today S18 will meet with college advisor teleconference in planning out his first year at university!!!

H texted last night. He apparently was snooping in my calendar. "you have a court date in July". One it must have taken a lot of guts/nerve on his part to text that because the only way he would know that was if he was snooping... obviously snooping. Two I can only guess that he is a little shocked that perhaps I'm pulling him into court?

One thing he was adamant about was we were NOT GOING to COURT... this was NOT going before a judge... whatever.

Seriously - my calendar stated Circuit Court 4. I'm having to go to court to have S18 father help with college costs. It has nothing to do with H.

Anyway its irrelevant... but made me chuckle.

Think I will get my work out in early today so I had hit the pool late this afternoon as well as get my final list in play for the party.

Last edited by KitCat; 07/01/20 01:40 PM.
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Originally Posted by KitCat

H texted last night. He apparently was snooping in my calendar. "you have a court date in July". One it must have taken a lot of guts/nerve on his part to text that because the only way he would know that was if he was snooping... obviously snooping. Two I can only guess that he is a little shocked that perhaps I'm pulling him into court?


Yeah....he isn't going to text anymore..................


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat

H texted last night. He apparently was snooping in my calendar. "you have a court date in July". One it must have taken a lot of guts/nerve on his part to text that because the only way he would know that was if he was snooping... obviously snooping. Two I can only guess that he is a little shocked that perhaps I'm pulling him into court?


Yeah....he isn't going to text anymore..................


Yeah... this was completely unexpected. For someone who accuses me of spying on him he seems to do some snooping of his own that also causes him to spin... that he thinks I'm taking him to court.

No worries though I just rolled over and went to sleep.

It didn't really bother me. I need to not be interested in someone who isn't actively taking the time to pursue me and work on things with the same energy and effort I am.

I will go fold some laundry now because that always makes me feel good (weird I know!!!)

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See, I just told you yesterday that he would be contacting you again. It goes to show that he is monitoring everything you have out there on the net. My advice, block him from that access as soon as possible. Evidently, he's still wanting to bait you into contacting him again.

KC, we all know that you can do this...block him!!! All he is doing is keeping you on the rollercoaster to get you to give him what he wants. Again, he knows you too well and knows that if he continues to contact you, eventually, you will given...regardless of what your lawyer tells you. Please, please block him.

We all have been where you are right now, but we each had to take our toe out of the pond and put both feet on solid ground in order to move forward. I have faith in you that you will more than survive this situation. Show this man that you are the prize and that you can move forward and live your life to the fullest. The best revenge is to live well.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I suspect he wants to keep this out of court because he knows it will not be the outcome he wants.

So... he will continue to groom you, maybe throw you some breadcrumbs, play nice, and mess with your emotions so that you slowly let your guard down and release the funds he is wanting.

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Hi KitCat,

Are you ready to block his calls and texts?

Originally Posted by KitCat
Yeah... this was completely unexpected.

To you. This is the third time you thought he'd go dark forever and our prediction was strongly contrary. As you say, he actively looked (in your calendar) for a reason to contact and bait you, and found it.

Originally Posted by KitCat
No worries though I just rolled over and went to sleep.

Great. I imagine KitCat earlier on being manipulated by that text and thinking "Maybe I should just let him know I'm not taking him to court.. otherwise (control dream) he might worry and get angry at me." The problem is you're struggling to maintain NC and he's not going to stop baiting you until he succeeds.

Have you yet dug into that "something else" that keeps you touching the stove--by not blocking him, by eventually being baited into contacting and then spinning at his response? Steve proposed an irrational fear that he'll attempt to R once and only once by text or phone. It's also possible you're following a dysfunctional pattern (first documented by Freud) of attempting to repeat a trauma (keep reading his messages) to show mastery over it (no spinning, no contact)? "Seeking out those relationships now means recreating history and changing the outcome, thereby gaining mastery over what we couldn't control". True mastery isn't showing you can be burnt without feeling pain, true mastery is to stop touching the stove.

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Originally Posted by Thornton
I suspect he wants to keep this out of court because he knows it will not be the outcome he wants.

So... he will continue to groom you, maybe throw you some breadcrumbs, play nice, and mess with your emotions so that you slowly let your guard down and release the funds he is wanting.



Except that I'm not releasing the funds. Frankly I probably have more to lose than he does. There is currently a lot of equity in my house. But I will stay the course. He is an adult and knows how to hire an atty.

I've accepted that I want no part of legal dealings of a D I never wanted. I cannot stop what he wants but I do not have to roll out the red carpets for it.

I'm getting busy living my life. I do not want to deal with the emotional s8ck of legal issues.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi KitCat,

Are you ready to block his calls and texts?

Originally Posted by KitCat
Yeah... this was completely unexpected.

To you. This is the third time you thought he'd go dark forever and our prediction was strongly contrary. As you say, he actively looked (in your calendar) for a reason to contact and bait you, and found it.

Originally Posted by KitCat
No worries though I just rolled over and went to sleep.

Great. I imagine KitCat earlier on being manipulated by that text and thinking "Maybe I should just let him know I'm not taking him to court.. otherwise (control dream) he might worry and get angry at me." The problem is you're struggling to maintain NC and he's not going to stop baiting you until he succeeds.

Have you yet dug into that "something else" that keeps you touching the stove--by not blocking him, by eventually being baited into contacting and then spinning at his response? Steve proposed an irrational fear that he'll attempt to R once and only once by text or phone. It's also possible you're following a dysfunctional pattern (first documented by Freud) of attempting to repeat a trauma (keep reading his messages) to show mastery over it (no spinning, no contact)? "Seeking out those relationships now means recreating history and changing the outcome, thereby gaining mastery over what we couldn't control". True mastery isn't showing you can be burnt without feeling pain, true mastery is to stop touching the stove.


I don't know. I can tell you for once I WAS NOT spinning. Don't laugh but when the text notification popped up before I even looked somehow I knew it was him... weird because I do text others fairly frequently. Sometimes I just think the universe lets you feel its force.

ANYWAY -- my female bff told me I should reply "are you snooping?? .. you should really stop that. this is personal and I'm not asking about your plans"

^^^^^^ OK that was hilarious because that was word for word what he sent me 2 weeks ago. ***NO ONE SLAM ME FOR THIS. Laughter is great medicine and this was funny.

Besides it is humorous to see him spin and sweat thinking we have a court date scheduled and somehow he doesn't know about it... on the other hand he would just state this is another reason we aren't together because I lie and deceive him.

Well this girl has her big girl panties on... but we aren't talking granny panties... and we'll leave it at that.

I'm having a super fantastic day. They won't all be like this. I won't lie I woke up Monday morning crying... I get that some days will be rougher than others. I've accepted that H is gone. I accept that I'm still allowed to be sad about my imploded M. I get that I have things to work through. One day at a time.

Now if they would just open the ports by September I could go sailing. If I could take some more time off work I could take another trip to a beautiful lake with wonderful cabins... sadly I can't take off that much time so close together.

I'm being busy the best way I know how... I forgive myself for the days that are more of a struggle than others.

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My guess? Anytime you get a text notification you think it is him, and are disappointed when it is not. Then when it really is then "you knew it was him".

Regardless, this guy is going to keep you twisting in the breeze for his own devices for as long as he can. He is going to hope you finally give in and just release the funds. He is out of the house. Living his life with OW. And has no reason to lift a finger to let you move on.

So while you feel like the funds being tied up are a hindrance, really the D being stalled is really where the hindrance is. I get you don't want to do his dirty work. We often tell LBSs not to. UNTIL the time is right. So how much longer are you willing to wait? 6 more months? A year? 2 years?

He will eventually want to marry OW because that is what he does. So eventually he will grow tired of the stalemate and file/move the D forward himself. And when he does KC you will spin out of control again because despite what you type here the fact that you want to reconcile with this lying cheater oozes out of every word you type. Heck, your thread title is still "I don't want a D", as if that isn't completely understood because NO ONE wants a D! Not even the WAS wants a D! If they could wave a magic wand and make their marriage just disappear into the ether, they would. If I on a message board can detect that you are stuck waiting for him, you can bet he does too.

As far as what you have to lose due to home equity, what you should really want is a fair settlement. Even if that means you get less cash due to the home equity. My W wanted to walk away with nothing. I insisted that we would split everything down the middle, 50/50, because that was fair.

"Besides it is humorous to see him spin and sweat thinking we have a court date scheduled and somehow he doesn't know about it."

Narcissistic lying cheater thinks every thing is about him.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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