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Some do hit bottom, some don’t. Hope my ex never does because I wouldn’t take him back in a million years, better for him he doesn’t wake up.

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More effective are the glasses we see these people through where we imagine them to be something they are not.


Yeah, I wore those rose colored glasses for an awfully long time. They’re off now though and I see my ex for who he truly was, not who he pretended to be.

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AndrewP Offline OP
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I did the math and there are now 13 souls living under this roof. Quite the change from 4 just a few months ago. S13 did well on his report card and is now the proud parent of a tiny hamster called "Sam" - with some sort of weird spelling and pronunciation recommended by his father.

2020 - despite dragging is seeming to just zoom by. Hard to believe that it's already mid-July and the wheat is getting ripe and the corn is just about to tassle. You can take the boy off the farm but not the farm out of the boy. I'm going to have to take some time off work fairly soon to start working on my fall preparations. Painting, exterior repairs etc.

I think everyone is settling in. S is currently busy bopping around the house with her favourite tunes cranked. Laundry on the line, dishes cleaned off the counter, and things being taken out of boxes and put away. I mentioned to her how happy she looked. The temporary break in the heat is certainly helping her mood and energy level.

Odd as it may seem, I think that one big thing for her at least today which the dog realized a while ago is that here, there isn't anything to constrain her. No worries about the land-lady or neighbours complaining. She can express herself and be herself. Freedom is perhaps an unfamiliar garment.

She is planning to have a "family meeting" soon to start assigning chores to everyone. There's been a bit of a free ride for pretty much everyone thus far. I had to back-track when I made a comment about doing "everything". S has contributed, just not at a very high level for various reasons. I think she was offended by the implication that she was also getting a free ride which is I think one of the reasons for today's domestic activity.

We also need to work on longer term family dynamics. I'm pretty sure that her expectations are very different from mine. She was upset it seems when I sent off a birthday card and present to my D28 and that she wasn't consulted and that it was just from me and not both of us. This came out when I got a card and small present for her S18 this past weekend. The model she says she expects is that we will talk about what we'll do and then it will be from both of us. Her basis for this is her parents where her Mom did everything gift wise and her Dad just signed his name - sometimes. Being as she never consulted me about S18's birthday gift beyond us setting a budget during the budget review at the end of June, I think she's just expecting to do everything like always.

I also feel that she's expecting everyone to "one big happy" with no real segregation between her kids and mine. I don't see that working with adult kids. S25 (soon S26) knows S's kids a bit but D28 doesn't and undoubtedly has no interest in doing so either. Something that will require careful navigating.

------------------------

It's coming up on the 4 year mark on when my ex-wife finally gathered her courage / the pressure got too much and she moved out. I've been reading back from time to time. My heavens, how different the world was then. In some ways I don't even recognize the man who was writing back then. So much more timid, constrained and fearful than I am now. Fundamentally the same person but so wrapped up in saving something that was already lost to him. Freedom is perhaps an unfamiliar garment.

Tomorrow I need to send off her monthly payment #33 of 77. Part of me wonders if she'll think of it being now 4 years since she too that irreversible step - I'd thought of putting a reminder in the note but no - no need. If she remembers, it's something she can do in private. Reading back, I clearly remember the fear, uncertainty and doubt that she showed. Back then I would have given anything to make it to not have happened and to roll the clock back. I still wore my wedding ring for months after.

It's also coming up on 1 year from when B decided to throw in the towel on our relationship. Right around now we'd bought a new bed because she found the old one hard on her back, got a new to us couch and were working towards permanence. But I was unhappy and B was also unhappy. I'm grateful to her for having the courage to call it quits. Whether she tried to work it out with her H or not is an open question. I have no information.

I can honestly say that I wish them both well. I have no hard feelings towards B at all. My ex - well - I'll never be able to forgive her and have no intentions on trying. But the anger has simmered down to just a general grumble and there never was any hate. Funny - her two biggest stated fears towards the end were me hating her and me letting her go and cutting her out of my life.

The clouds have left - it's a lovely cool day here and the sun is shining. I need to get S18 in to work and then put in another few hours getting the planning ready for tomorrow and following up on items.

Thanks for listening.

A bien tot mes amis.


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Freedom is perhaps an unfamiliar garment.


I like this.

I'm not sure how you spell or pronounce Sam any differently??? Glad S13 got his little hamster though and you seem to be coping with the menagerie quite well at the moment.

I picture you in a few weeks or months, sitting in an easy chair with all the creatures snuggled up to you. I suspect they will figure out you're a softy where animals are concerned.

I think I kind of agree with S - if you're engaged and living together, shouldn't presents be coming from the two of you as a couple? Or at least be coordinated between the two of you?

Glad to hear she's working on unpacking. It won't be easy but I suspect you will eventually reach a point of homeostasis, maybe not quite as neat as you would like but definitely much neater and calmer than what they are used to.

As for the alimony payments - almost halfway there! Look at them like house payments. You're paying off that freedom garment you're wearing.

Make sure you offer S a back massage or a hot bath tonight. Remember the dog training rule - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones. wink It sounds like her heart is in the right place in so far as getting things organized, her ADD and the overwhelming size of the job may handicap her. But I think if you see her working on it that will go a long way towards you feeling better about doing maybe a bit more than your share. Just help her keep the momentum going so it doesn't overwhelm her.

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Hello Andrew

Nice update. Glad to see S13 did well on his report card. I also wonder how else can you spell “Sam”. smile

I also agree that you and S are a couple and gifts should be from the two of you or if separate discussed first.

The idea of “one big happy” will take some time and work to achieve. Be patient, blended families have some specific hurdles to work through.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
My ex - well - I'll never be able to forgive her and have no intentions on trying.

You may be surprised someday. In four short years you have become a different and better man. That older self being somewhat unrecognizable. The future is unknown and you have lots of time in front of you. “Never be able to” is next to impossible to foretell.

The weather over here has turned a welcomed bit cooler as well. Have a great day my friend.

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While I agree with kml and DnJ that, since y’all are a cohabitating couple, gifts should be from both of you, has she even met your daughter? I ask because we were in a similar situation recently. Sparky has 2 daughters: one he is very close to and considers me her stepmom, the other he has never been close to and he goes long periods of time without even talking to her. They recently talked some things out and have begun to rebuild their relationship but other than knowing of her existence and knowing her name, I know nothing about this girl. She is pregnant and he sent her a small gift and didn’t sign my name to the card. In fact, it was at my request that he didn’t because I told him I’d rather meet her before he starts signing my name even though we are married. Now, I know this is not your exact situation with S because you and your daughter have a good relationship and Sparky’s was broken but if S has never met your daughter or knows of her but hasn’t really ever even talked to her, I don’t see an issue with the gift just being from you. Like you said, with your adult kids, it might never be a one big happy family situation because adult kids have a lot of their own things to deal with.

Last edited by job; 07/14/20 12:20 PM. Reason: edited for Dawn

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Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
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It's a - probably - un-necessarily - complicated thing for me.

For many years I did the standard "Dad just signs the card while Mom figures everything out" thing but around when my daughter moved out on her own I asserted myself a bit more. Their mother would always be late and do something half-@ssed if at all and I really felt marginalized by the whole thing. I also felt that it was unfair to disappoint the kids by being late or absent in sending cards and gifts. So I started sending out my own cards for Valentines etc. My ex was peeved at me and got a shrug that if she wanted to send something out that she was welcome to do so but that these were my kids too and I was going make sure that I recognized important celebrations.

She never did mail out cards to the kids for any reason even after that. For Christmas cards it was all my doing as well. The one year that she said that she would do it, it never happened. Not sure what she does now but I doubt it's changed a lot.

Colouring S with that same brush of being last minute or rushed is perhaps unfair but given nearly a year of observation, not necessarily wrong. She never did mail her son in Australia's Christmas present. And she wonders why he never seems interested in calling her.

S has zero history with D28 and brief and superficial history with S25 and it rankles that I should be subordinating my interactions to anyone. Something that I need to figure out. It will be S25's birthday next month so I have a few weeks to sort that out. If we can do it together then I can probably accept that but from past history with S's kids, I get handed a card to sign while the kid is out of the room between courses of the birthday meal and that's the input I've gotten.

----------

For those who are playing the home game - I got a surprise phone call from my cardiologist and my appointment is on Monday. 7 months out from when I was having pains that it was felt I should check out.

We are returning slowly to a sort of normal here. We'll be entering "phase 3" this weekend where indoor dining etc will be allowed. I'm in no hurry to rush out. I am thinking of taking a week or so off in August though and we may do some day trips or even an overnight. There are a couple of hot spots in Ontario - far away from where I live but people from there do drive past my house on their way to the beach or camping, stopping at local shops on the way. I am worried about S13 heading back to school in the fall - class sizes are large here and it's an enclosed space for a long period of time. I just checked the local health unit web page and we are currently at 5 days with no new cases but that could quickly change if everyone decides to go to the movies at the same time.

Well - enough for now. I need to get the "girls" captured and ready to go to the vet for their annual shots and wellness check. Wish me luck.


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Drive them into a box canyon, I hear that works wink

As for your history with the ex and cards - you should explain all that to S exactly as you did to us. It makes sense to me and might help her realize it's not an affront to her. Then you can work out how you'd like to do things. One option is she buys for her kids and you just sign the card, and you buy for your kids and she just signs the card.

Another option is you become in charge of making sure things from the two of you are bought/mailed on time.

And wow - she still hasn't mailed the son in Australia his Xmas present? What's behind that? She got behind and now is too embarrassed to send it? The postage was going to be too great for her budget? She got miffed at him and decided not to send it? If I were her kid and she'd done that I don't think I'd be too swift to return calls either.

I believe I've mentioned before that CMM is estranged from his 3 daughters. I didn't really realize the full situation until after he was diagnosed with cancer and started living with me. It's none of my business and I stay out of it but honestly. if he hadn't developed cancer and we were just dating, once I realized the extent of this and his probable role in it it could have been the end of our relationship. I can't respect a parent who doesn't try harder with their kids.

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Originally Posted by kml
Drive them into a box canyon, I hear that works wink
It went smoothly even with the social distancing at the vet clinic. The girls were on different floors and were able to be dumped into their carriers with no drama. Everyone is in good health and we have an estimate for getting the dog spayed. We weren't allowed inside and had the consult with the vet over the phone from our car.

There's a follow-up in 4 weeks for the dog (who was behind on her shots) and for the other 2 cats who are way behind on their shots to get caught up.

An argument could be made for not having pets when you can't afford to properly care for them. I read an article a while ago that resonated with me. It involved an interview with a low income person who explained that yes - as a low income person that it may be a poor choice to indulge in what some would call luxuries. However the net benefit to them mentally far outweighed the costs. I try to keep that in mind and not judge the choices of others. These pets were a great comfort to S and her kids and are part of the family. They didn't have as good of level of care as for example my girls have had. But there's a big difference between a bachelor with no debt and a comfortable 6 figure income vs a single mom with 4 kids at home and a fixed income. I've never been a very judgmental person and my experiences over the last number of years have made me even less so.

------------

Originally Posted by kml
And wow - she still hasn't mailed the son in Australia his Xmas present? What's behind that? She got behind and now is too embarrassed to send it? The postage was going to be too great for her budget? She got miffed at him and decided not to send it? If I were her kid and she'd done that I don't think I'd be too swift to return calls either.
S freely admits that one of the things she is horrible at is making appointments and hitting deadlines. She is capable of doing it when necessary but her brain just doesn't seem to work that way. She's managed for all of these years but lots of things are let slide. After they've slid far enough, they are let go of. There is undoubtedly some embarrassment but as this is just the way she is, she accepts it as do the people around her. As another example she still hasn't gotten around to getting S18 a birthday gift nor helping S13 get one for him. It may happen, it may not. The kids don't really seem to notice as this is their normal. As another example, she does laundry when she runs out of clean clothes and then does what is needed to get back on track. I do laundry on Saturday. And do it all. Different brains. Different ways of getting things done. Both seem to work. As far as her relationship with her oldest son, it is kind of like mine with S25. They are fond of each other but rarely talk.


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You might check out a well-reviewed book on ADHD called Living Right Now by Kutscher. It might give you more insights and some practical tips for living with and helping the ADD people in your house. (You might also suggest that S get her ferritin and B12 checked as iron deficiency and B12 deficiency are common in celiac disease and either could contribute to ADD symptoms and fatigue).

And OMG get that dog spayed yesterday or you'll be swimming in puppies too! If S doesn't have the money to do it just pay for it - it'll be a lot MORE expensive if that dog gets knocked up.

I think the thing that those of us who are competent with our money and comfortably middle class don't realize is that people in chronic poverty don't think it will ever get better. There is no "saving up" to afford a pet or trip or cell phone or whatever when you are always short of money at the end of the month anyway, so just get it. The skills that we take for granted of budgeting, finding the best deals, planning, are skills that many (not all) poor people lack or simply don't have the luxury of time to implement. Some also grew up in families that were similarly dysfunctional with money so they don't know any better.

As for laundry - teach the boys to do their laundry and have a day of the week set aside for them to do it. They're old enough to do their own and it's a life skill they need. (I remember being horrified when I went with my oldest on a college tour and the student leading the tour showed us the laundry facilities and commented on how most college students don't know how to do laundry when they arrive!!! Mine had been doing their own laundry since they were 13) Let S do her own laundry on her own schedule and let go of any concerns over it.

And you need to sit down and get that chore chart made up this weekend - the longer you go without one the more the boys will resent it when it comes. And recognize that at least in the beginning they may need your participation - sending an ADD person into a chaotic bedroom to clean it doesn't go well, but having another person there helping can teach them the skills needed. S could do this too but she might not have the skills?

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Oh Andrew.....you are just such a truly nice man. Seriously. S has totally hit the jackpot in you. I suspect that she has not encountered a lot of men in her life who are as forgiving of her lack of routine as you. I'm a very routine, very structured person and that is what works for me. I can't do fly by the seat of my pants. It just does NOT work for me. It does concern me for you and her moving forward that her lack of urgency about deadlines and such might get old and wear on you. It wore on me just reading the above and I don't have to live it. I'm like you, I do laundry once a week. It is usually either Saturday or Sunday, depending on which day I don't have other things going. If we have things to do outside the house, like grocery shopping on Saturday, I will do laundry on Sunday. It isn't a hard and fast schedule, but it is schedule enough that Sparky knows when to expect laundry to be done and if he needs something outside that time frame, then he handles it.

I TRY not to be judgmental but often fall short, so I immediately felt judgmental on your behalf at the comment that S's brain "doesn't work that way" when it comes to deadlines, appointments, etc. That sounds like a convenient excuse for just not dealing with things. It also sounds like setting herself (and her children) up for failure. They learn by example. Take all that with a grain of salt because I know it is extremely judgmental. I began my career in education when ADD and AD/HD were constantly diagnosed for students and Ritalin and other drugs were prescribed when, in many cases, these students really just needed a good butt whipping and some rules and boundaries from their parents. I'm not saying these conditions do not exist because they absolutely do, but I think sometimes, they are used as crutches and excuses for people to be disorganized or lazy or inattentive to things when they just don't want to deal with them. The fact that you have shared that S is this way and her children are this way makes me wonder how much of it is truly a legitimate ADD/ADHD issue and how much of it is just getting by however she can and has passed that on to the kids.

I just know I would have a difficult time living with someone who was like that and it would be a lot of work on my part to stay sane and not just push the person aside and say let me do it. But, then again, I'm a bit of a control freak, so there is that. LOL (Lord love Sparky!!!!!) I just want you to be careful, Andrew. I want you to have all the good things and enjoy your life with S.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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