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I agree with everyone’s comments.

Dawn, you said it better than I could have ever. S seems like a gas lighter and a bit manipulative. You could have done better by asking her early to round of the kids because it needs to get done now so you can arrange everything in there. She shouldn’t have let them play video games all day and let them have at it at 6pm. Then she gets angry with you for doing it yourself and then there are rules as to how you are supposed to act how it’s done. And the concerning part is how you feel you are the only one who needs to make changes to pretzel into how she reacts .

The one thing I say every time is that it is really time to speak up. Family meetings, discussing rules and chores coming together woth a plan together is really important when introducing 3 new people, various animals and loads of stuff into a household. Quiet Andrew not wanting to boat is going to wear on you hardcore. And it will affect your health. I’m not swaying rule with an iron fist, but their chaos needs some structure and that’s how you guys compromise.

And yes bttfly, because those of us who aren’t in a R pretty much realize that there is only so much of us to go around that we may not be able to effectively share what we have with someone else. It’s a very mature decision not taking on something you can’t give properly to. I vascular myself between that.

But I have dated woth a young child and blending families have been considered and there is lots of conprimise, it shouldn’t be conflict avoidance and tiptoeing

Andrew, I’m going to gather the other side of the story of her divorces are going to come out a bit as you might be seeing. I’m sure it’s something you can deal woth, but the truth is, it’s something you actually have to deal with rather than sweep it under the rug

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Quiet Andrew not wanting to boat is going to wear on you hardcore.
LOL - I really should get out on the water laugh I have that row boat to finish up. It's a "one sheet skiff" design by a gent up in Ottawa. I've built I think 3 of them in the past. Used 1 that lasted about 5 years and donated 2 to various charity auctions. It's a fun build and theoretically can be slapped together in an afternoon and as the name suggests, only uses 1 sheet of 1/4" bathroom underlay. I put them together with construction adhesive and a few screws. I do have an Atkin designed MouseBoat that can be tossed in the water on a whim. Another fun boat to build and use.

crazy crazy crazy crazy

Ginger - I've known for a while that the complete truth about what has gone on in the past hasn't come out. While not "trickle truth", S does have the habit of not disclosing everything all at once and I have caught her more than once with "white lies". We were several dates in for example before I found out that she had severe alcohol allergies. She's learning that I'm really bad at lies of any colour and don't even attempt but she uses them as a tool to smooth the bumps in life's road especially for the kids. Certainly though quite concerning especially how things played out with her STBX - and yes - I'm sure that there's a lot more to the story in that specific case than has been told.

My current understanding - based on other evidence and a gut feel is that S held out hope to her STBX after they split 2 years into the marriage for 4 years. The attempted reconciliation went from late last fall through to the spring and involved S moving herself, S13 and D19 in while S17 stayed at the apartment. This lasted until she caught him in more financial and other shenanigans including gambling. And the controlling, abusive behaviour didn't change at all either. The kids do largely corroborate S's story that it was just "visiting" and "only for a short while" but slip-ups happen and there's a certain amount of other evidence. Where the truth actually is may well be somewhere in between.

Since I prefer to take the kind point of view, it could be argued that she was trying hard to give the relationship as many chances as possible. Her one other relationship that I know of during the 4 year split lasted about 6 months and went very very badly. Her STBX provided a level of plan B and health insurance. I firmly believe, like many here, that she really only let go of that after she got her ring from me.

Does any of this actually matter? A bit yes. But not something to do more than ensure that I keep my eyes wide open. My ex-wife told a lot of "white lies" - more in describing the world as she wanted it to be rather than the way it was.

Even though I don't have the tool set to look at it this way, from another perspective of a single SAHM whose kids are aging out of support, there's a certain bloody-minded survival mode that could come out after close to 25 years of coping, making do and doing what is necessary to survive. That point of view is I hope a bit more harsh than the reality indicates but S is a survivor and puts the welfare of her family first. That's where my biggest worry, like I think many of my friends here was, am I actually someone she wants in her life or am I just a means to an end. All indications are that she, as well as S13 are happy to have found somewhere where they can finally relax and let go of the fear.

----

Thanks all for the feedback - even you Don - We're now starting day 3 of everyone actually living under the same roof - so no surprise that things are still being sorted out.

I do need to work on my skills with asking for and accepting help. In the past it was only my daughter who ever was up for that and she's been gone for I think close to 10 years now.

Given her utter state of exhaustion, S has made great strides in getting things organized. There is an actual path to my dresser now so if I can get myself organized enough, I may actually put on clothes (been a bumpy start to the morning for work). She repeatedly talks at length about getting things cleaned up and organized. And has been making progress. She's also been letting to of things. The "free" sign on the side of the road is becoming a fixture. So far a desk, chair and filing cabinet have found new homes that aren't in the landfill. She's actually kind of excited by how easy it is to dispose of things that way.

I do know that she liked how organized and tidy things were in this house before she moved in. She states that she wants it to return to that. I know that she lacks the tools on her own to get there and the boys certainly do. She's said bluntly that she knows that at least 1/2 of her stuff has to be gotten rid of and has appreciated that I'm also purging.

Getting chore charts organized and followed is going to be a chore on it's own. It's what the boys are used to though. Getting them all to a point where they develop the habits to keep a home maintained is going to be harder and may never happen which is where the carrots and sticks come in. And while I can back S up - those messages need to be her's.

As far as dealing with disagreements between S and I that's going to take some work. I'

We'll see how it goes. She is capable of amazing feats in short bursts. We both need a break from the chaos which hopefully after the grandson's birthday and my meeting her Dad this Saturday we will have. The next weekend is S17 turning into S18. His siblings mostly have other plans so it will probably just be the 4 of us.

Still no response from S25 - I texted him again yesterday giving him an update on "the girls" and suggesting a patio for a visit. I may reach out via our mutual friend 20S and see if all is well. She'll be able to nag him to "go see your Dad" much more effectively than I can.


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You should go see your son. He very well may be feeling displaced or may just not want to be around the chaos. Or he might be suffering from depression. What’s keeping you from just stopping by his place one evening?

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Andrew, you are p*sing me off.
Your OWN FLESH AND BLOOD should come first.

How long as it been since YOU called your daughter? Weren' t you talking every single day before S ?

Why not visit your son?

You make excuses and justify your choices by putting it onto them.

YOU ARE THEIR FATHER!! THE ONLY FATHER THEY WILL EVER HAVE.
SHOW THEM THAT THEY MEAN THE WORLD TO YOU!
PUT S AND HER CIRCUS ASIDE FOR A FEW HOURS AND BE THE DAD ( ANDREW )
THEY LOVE AND MISS!!

NO EXCUSES! JUST DO IT!!!

Sorry for my blyntness but i have 4 children and i know what kids crave in divorce.
No matter their age.

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((exquisitetobe))

I do still chat online with my daughter almost every day. Since I'm not commuting, the way that I would usually call her doesn't happen although I should probably call her just to hear her voice. She knows how phones work too. My son is presently ignoring me, undoubtedly enjoying his freedom. It's how he is as well. I reach out every few days. He doesn't respond. He's not upset with me, he just doesn't do the phone call / texting thing. We'll undoubtedly get together sometime soon. I'm not worried.


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I SO wish I had your ability to always look at the positive, regardless of the situation. You really do continue to amaze me and that is usually in a good way. Be well, Andrew.


Me 52, H53
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Another busy weekend. It was S's grandson's first birthday party on Saturday so the place was crowded again. I've been assured that this is the last big thing for a while. I was up until midnight doing the clean-up. The kids were a great help in doing the setup and cleanup. I even asked for help with a few things and they chipped right in.

The only other thing on the calendar is S17's birthday this coming weekend which will just be the 4 (or possibly 3) of us. He prefers it that way and his sisters are going camping and S13 may be spending time with his dad.

I met S's dad. A very interesting man and we got along rather well. S17 told me later that he thought that his grandpa quite liked me. He's in his mid 80s and still quite active.

The boys and critters are settling in. I think that the key thing from the boys is the elimination of the constant cloud and worry that was over top of them. S17 is pretty talkative and when I've driven him back and forth to work we do chat about all sorts of things including his goals at therapy etc. He was thrilled when I told him (after his mother asked me) that yes, the garage roof is quite safe and sound and he's spent hours up on there especially at night or in the hammock just watching the stars. Much different from being across from a noisy bar and convenience store that is the locus for local drug deals.

The relationship with the boys will evolve over time. There seems to be respect in both directions which is a good place to start from.

S's D25 is quite happy to have her mother so close to hand. She was by this morning and she, GS1, S13, S and the dog have all headed off to see "grandpa" and his central air conditioning. They're returning on Wednesday. S17 is staying here in part because he has to work. D25 and her H are staying with his parents and I think it's getting on her nerves more than a bit. They "do" have central air but don't turn it on. S joked that as soon as she left that I was probably going to open windows and turn off air conditioners. She wasn't wrong.

I do expect that the two daughters will be dropping in fairly often which is fine. They're good kids and D25 will at least pressure / assist her mother in the organizing.

Speaking of which, on Sunday I went into the larger shed, pulled everything out and re-arranged it. We can now easily get to any piece of furniture and some things that shouldn't be in the shed are inside now. We swapped kitchen tables and I think that S was quite pleased by that especially since I commented on how her's was so much nicer than what we had. Her D25 may be wanting our old one.

S has made some great progress in going through her own clothes and such that were piled up. I try to make sure to notice and comment. The current approach is to treat everything as temporary until we can get a handle on what we're dealing with.

I'm no longer worried about the critters getting along. The male cat is slowly coming along. Liz alternates between her normal "I hate the world" and being just beyond the rage horizon. The first stage can usually be mollified with belly rubs or brushing. To a non cat person it would probably be funny to see me pick up an upset cat and explain to them very quietly and carefully that the other cats live her now too and we all need to just get along.

------------

So - I was bad.

I set up an alternate facebook profile and had a peek at the world beyond my being blocked. There's really not a lot to see. It was freaky to see my ex-wife's page. From any other perspective you would think that she's still married to me. Lots of pictures of us together, this home, nothing at all related to OM or his family other than her selling off his stuff when they moved. No shots of their new house. Nothing. As if her life after leaving here doesn't exist. Truly weird.

A lot of my relatives and friends are no longer on her list. Some are. No big. S's D25 is still connected so my ex-wife would have seen pictures of her former back yard with a grand-child in it. S had thought that she was in that friend's list but she's not - read into that whatever we will.

It does show that she left her job at the liquor store in May and started working admin at a local campground the next month. I expect that there was drama involved and that she got the job at the campground as a favour. Glad I wasn't around when all that blew up.

I also lurked recently at OM's kids. With all due apologies to Dawn and other self-professed red-necks out there including myself - they are a bunch of Bubbas. Fishin, drinkin, golfin and hockey. A very different world than the one she used to live in. They probably all listen to Nickelback laugh

I feel ok about all of this. It's consistent with what I expected.

Like a number of us, I can't help but feel bad in some ways for her. Although, this could be exactly the life she was wanting. I will literally never know.

I did also have a browse around to see what B might be up to that I was blocked from. There's really nothing visible to indicate that she's not still living one town over and that her STBX is still in. And he doesn't show anything to indicate that he's part of a couple. I wish her well and do hope that she's building a new life and not gone back to the old one.

----

Well - time to wrap things up.

S texted me that a friend of her's has a bunny that they are having to give up and asked if S13 could have it. We had agreed that S13 can have a pet of his own - we were thinking hamster - after things settled down. It comes with all the accouterments and S13 is certainly responsible enough. I've asked that everyone sleep on it before making a decision. I've certainly learned that the world turns as it will and not as I expect it to.

Quiet evening planned. I did pick up some beer this afternoon - S actually suggested it. There are lots of left-overs and random food around the house. It will probably be months before we get through much of it, especially in the freezer.


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Any good, self-respecting redneck knows that Hank Williams Jr. and southern rock like Lynyrd Skynyrd, Marshall Tucker Band, .38 Special, CCR (and the list goes on) is where it is at, but what is with the hate on Nickelback? I actually love Nickelback. No offense taken, though. Hockey isn't a thing here in LA (Lower Arkansas for those not in the know), but let me tell you, I have a Canadian's love for a good live hockey match. So much fun and yet another excuse to drink beer and see a good fight, so there is that. I'm proud of my redneck roots and wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. wink


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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I set up an alternate facebook profile and had a peek at the world beyond my being blocked. There's really not a lot to see. It was freaky to see my ex-wife's page. From any other perspective you would think that she's still married to me. Lots of pictures of us together, this home, nothing at all related to OM or his family other than her selling off his stuff when they moved. No shots of their new house. Nothing. As if her life after leaving here doesn't exist. Truly weird.

I’d have to figure you already know this, but perhaps not? What you were able to see with your new fake account and what her friends can see are often not the same. I’m guessing this new/fake profile is not part of your ex Ws friends? So what you saw and what is really there are probably two different things - unless you somehow got her to accept a friend request. Older posts were likely public or friends of friends where newer posts may be friends only


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Quote
They probably all listen to Nickelback


ROFLMAO!

AS for the FB stalking - agreed, she probably changed her privacy settings. And don't do that too often or FB will start suggesting the fake you to them as a friend suggestion and they may figure out you're stalking.

So just get rid of that fake account and move on. Nothing rally to be gained from it.

As for another bunny - what is S13's preference for a pet? Is a bunny really what he want's? I wouldn't foist a pet on him that isn't what he wants just because someone else needs a favor. He may well want something different than what his brother has.

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