Tell the cicadas to shut up

[job]

Litter boxes that aren't cleaned often enough will create some issues for cats and when they aren't happy...well, they urinate outside the box. Also, maybe the cat is doing this to set the tone for other cats in the house to know that this is his/her litter box. Another thought is to move the box to somewhere more private for the cat and the cat may not like that particular litter. Cats are very picky about their litter and where their boxes are placed. Kitty is not happy apparently w/the current state of affairs.

I also agree w/kml...kitty may have a UTI and the only way to eliminate this one condition is a visit to the Vet. I'm sure you and S don't want kitty to be suffering.

Sounds like S's daughter may be able to help w/the unpacking and hopefully getting things put away in proper places very soon. Let's hope that if she helps her mother, S will be able to focus on what needs to be done and doesn't walk away from the job at hand and begin doing something else.

As for your son, he may very well be off in his own little world and doing his own thing. He also might be giving you and the household time to get organized and settled down. Hopefully he will pop out of his little world and say hi very soon.

Please don't over do it w/the lawn mowing and unpacking/moving of things. S has children that can come over and help w/some of that stuff...after all...it's their stuff that was moved as well.

[kml]

As for your son - may I recommend you carve out some time for a visit between just you and him? Just because you’ve taken in S and her brood doesn’t mean HE has to be rushed into a relationship with them. Don’t let him feel like he doesn’t get any of your attention.

[AndrewP]

Today's quote

"There have been times, lately, when I dearly wished that I could change the past. Well, I can't, but I can change the present, so that when it becomes the past it will turn out to be a past worth having."

Well - in the worst part of it right now. Very little to my surprise the bulk of the work is being done at the last minute - plus a few minutes more. There is literally stuff filling the garage, the large shed that has the boat and stacks upon stacks through the whole house.

Last night while I was trying to sleep there was still stuff coming in and being put here, there and everywhere. It was well after midnight before they had the apartment empty of things. And there may still be a few things there. S and S17 have gone back there this morning to do more cleaning and hand the key over to the land-lady this afternoon. S is in a crazy amount of pain from her back and stressed up to the eyeballs. She has had about 6-8 weeks at least to do this and yes - last minute plus dragging in her kids etc and working them like dogs is the way it finishes.

I felt guilty and let her know that I was unhappy that I wasn't a lot of help at the apartment due to a combination of having to work and also not being suited for carrying heavy things down stairs. I think that nobody felt upset at me for "getting out of the work". I also know that I would have been hugely frustrated watching the process as it was not at all methodical.

I have no idea how this stuff managed to fit into her apartment and some of the furniture I'm willing to swear I've never seen before.

I'm doing ok with it all things considered. S has assured me that she will be quickly sorting and organizing but I know it's going to take quite a bit of time. I hope to be able to use the garage again by winter. It's tough though and I don't think that S had realized how tough it has been on me until just recently. Even though as I've told her, I don't subscribe to the "hippy dippy energy flow" thing, I've suggested that she do something to help "refresh" the energy in the house and I believe that smudging will be done. In my mind at least that will help set a demarcation point between what was and what will be.

We'll work through it and S does know how important tidy and organized and livable is to me. And I know that a certain amount of mess and clutter is inevitable when the circus comes to town. Looking at the stuff she brought in, it's plain to me that a good portion of it is aspirational and never got used. Having her accept that this is where she is and that the stuff that doesn't "fit" needs to go will be difficult and will have to be her idea and not mine. She's already mentioned that she wants to do that but I don't think that the reality of it will sink in for some time. She's much more attached to "stuff" and an idealized vision of how that stuff will make her life better than I ever was or will be.

It will take time and patience to work though all of this. I have no idea what the house will look like afterwards, but it will all work out.

----

In other news, I got a raise! Some former colleagues who through corporate restructuring ended up working for a large multi-national got a pay cut so I can certainly count myself fortunate. I expect that the number I got was the "standard" increase but still it was nice.

I'm heading off to the plant again this afternoon to pick up some stuff that came in via courier. I'm crazy busy with work and it does cause me a lot of stress but I'm also enjoying being so busy and learning new stuff. My semi-official boss who is transitioning part of his job to me is taking off next week and I think has some decent faith in me keeping things going despite the fact that there are a couple of complex large orders coming up. Add on to that that one of the key admin people has just come down with a serious case of virtigo and I'll have to cover part of her job too. My IT department colleague (my official job) is also taking off a couple of weeks so July is going to be busy busy busy. And rather stressful as there are some other things in the wind at work that may be coming to fruition by early August.

But at least I'll look pretty. I'd emailed my barber to see if he was going to re-open and got an appointment for July 9th. He's a volunteer firefighter and I'm confident that he will have all appropriate safety precautions in place. Since he's by appointment only even under normal circumstances the shop is usually just him and the customer.

Now that we're in the deepest part of the chaos and while I can't see the path out of it clearly, it's nice to know that we've hit the worst of it. I do hope that S hasn't over-done it too much but expect that she'll be essentially out of commission for a couple of weeks. I can do some stuff and have some ideas like the kitchen table she brought being a lot nicer than the one I had that will probably fly. Getting her to let go of "stuff" will probably be difficult but I am sure that her D25 will be an ally in that. And I'm a big believer in the Marie Kondo school - if you love it, keep it even if it makes no sense otherwise.

[kml]

I love your attitude! And I like the idea of smudging
It'll be alright. The hardest part I think is what you have already surmised - getting her to let go of stuff. But I think you have the skills to help her with that. Watch a few episodes of Marie Kondo (even though I'm not quite a fan of her minimalist approach, I do like how she organizes things, and we all could do with a little push to get rid of some of the cr@p we hold onto).

Furniture should be relatively straightforward - after all, you can only use so many pieces in a room. Try to incorporate hers where hers is nicer or it's a toss up. Donate the rest.

[AndrewP]

Phew!

What a day. I did the last of the unloading yesterday as S's big Dodge van was still packed to the gunwales. Some of the load turned out to be perishable goods as well. Some was salvageable, but some ended up in the compost heap.

S17 is visibly struggling with a whole lot of issues right now. There's the upset of moving, the disappointment of not being able to move in with his buddy on top of everything else. There's a certain amount of acting out going on but nothing significant. He had a remote session with his therapist on Tuesday that hopefully helped.

Things are being sorted out with the cats. The newest addition is still trying to find his "place" and Liz is being a b!tch to pretty much everyone. So no real surprises. They have screaming matches every now and then but little direct conflict. We're not too worried.

S and I had a bit of a problem yesterday that is going to take some effort - probably mostly from me. I have an attitude / habit that I don't expect help with anything. That's how it's been even in the prior chapters of my life. I'd suggested to S that the boys could help sorting through some of the stuff from the van and carry it into the house. For whatever reason that didn't happen and so by around 6:00pm I started shifting it in without making a fuss about it. The boys were hanging out playing video games.

S got rather upset at me - or so it seemed and requested that I stop. As can often happen it seems, it escalated in my eyes with comments of "you never listen to me" etc etc. I stopped what I was doing and tried to talk it out with her. She went in, told the boys that they had to get up "right now" and move that stuff - which they did. Piling it at random in the laundry room filling up the minimal space that I had established to try to keep the space functional. Sigh. I did some later re-arranging. S told me - and she's quite right - that I couldn't let the boys believe that I re-did what they did because it was sub-standard.

This is a problem I have that I need to figure out. S has been honest in that if the boys see me do things they are supposed to do that they'll just accept that and take advantage of it. On the other hand, being teenagers, things are avoided or minimally done which frustrates me. I need to let it go at least in part I'm sure. But it's hard. I actually am developing a bit of sympathy for her STBX who she paints as a control freak where the least thing can't be out of place.

One big worry was that when we were discussing this, S13 witnessed that there was conflict and you could see the fear in his eyes. I feel sorry for the poor kid. He's had such a tough go of it. As the youngest he generally has gotten the short end of the stick and he's never really known a stable home environment. His parents were divorced when he was just tiny, he was in and out as the drama of S's next marriage played out, had the constant fear of eviction from their apartment hanging over him and so - yeah - he's got cause to be watchful.

To top it off, D19 and BF said that they were going to come over for dinner and a bonfire. S asked me before agreeing and we both agreed that we were thoroughly "peopled out" but that we did owe the kids for their hard work. So the kitchen table had to be found, S made dinner and I got things set up outside. I know that on Saturday everyone is coming over again for the GS's first birthday party including possibly my prospective father in law.

After that - we will be needing to take a break even if it means pushing back on S's crew.

I did find my annoyance with BF softening which I suppose is a good thing. But I do still clearly know that he's a taker and opportunist and as has been mentioned here before, I'm not actually obliged to like any particular person and it's ok to not like people. Something that is a tough lesson for many. Fortunately S understands and while she's an apologist for him she doesn't push it.

I had to leave before dark to get the kitchen cleaned up (my priority) and to try to get sleep to get ready for back to work today - a day that I expected a bunch of challenges and have not been surprised by the number of things that have gone sideways. I probably shouldn't be posting right now, but want to do a brain-dump.

I was pleased this morning when I peeked in the back yard and the chairs that I'd set up appear to have been put away. Sad that I'm surprised but I will make a point of noticing. I also need to notice that S has made progress already in our dressing room in getting stuff put away.

I've still not heard from S25 and sent him another text updating him on how his "girls" are coping with the other 2 cats and suggesting again that we have a visit on a patio somewhere. I did mention that the house is in a state of chaos and rather filled with stuff. I am quite positive that he wants nothing to do with this place

Still struggling in some ways with conflicting priorities at work. My new role - which is on top of my old one - is taking a lot of time and is expected to grow. There's a lot of last minute drama and a need to keep multiple priorities focused. I'm actually having some fun with it which might be a surprise given my personality type. I recall getting off a call recently and remarking to S that it seemed that I actually knew what I was talking about despite the fact that I am still learning.

[Dawn70]

You know, Andrew, I feel like I am always negative Nancy when I talk to you but your latest posts alarms me on several levels. First, I must have missed a post somewhere but I thought the plan was still for s17 to move in with his buddy but it was just delayed a bit. But now, you have a sullen, moody teenage boy who is there under protest basically, as it wasn’t his plan. Yikes! Then, the whole story about the boys “helping” you carry in stuff. Listen, I know they aren’t your kids so you have to let S take the lead but there is NO reason unloading has to wait until 6:00 and then be done haphazardly, then S griped at you on top of that because the boys just crammed crap wherever and you had to rearrange? Not no, but H3LLLLLLLLLLLLLL no! Sounds to me like there needs to be a family meeting to outline responsibilities for these boys. Just because S has allowed them to lie around and be lazy and play games while she did all the work, doesn’t mean that is how it should continue. The fact that you are taking the brunt of this saying it is somehow your fault REALLY concerns me for you. The more you say about S, the more she comes across as manipulative to me. I’m sorry but you mentioned having her sons help unload THEIR stuff then she let them sit around and play video games all day until you started doing it yourself then she scolds you for doing it yourself and for rearranging to make things workable when they did finally help. You do realize that is how what you wrote sounds, right? I agree that not all single women with children are users and takers, as some other posters before me pointed out, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, guess what.....it’s a duck! THEN as if all that wasn’t enough, she had D19 and bf over for supper. You say she talked to you first but did she really or had she already invited them then just ran it past you so you’d know they were coming? Those are 2 entirely different things. You say you owe them, I’m assuming for helping with the move, but couldn’t it have waited until next week? Yes, it could have. My point here is so far, from your narrative, your priorities and S’ don’t really seem to be lining up and you seem to always want to take the blame when things don’t go a certain way. You mentioned her ex who she says wanted everything in it’s certain place. If, God forbid, you didn’t make it as a couple, would she describe you the same way? You also mentioned she said something along the lines of you don’t listen. Andrew, love, y’all haven’t even been together long enough for her to hurl things like that but what it tells me is she plays the victim and goes for the jugular. And you say you saw terror in S13’s eyes when he heard conflict and you feel sorry for him. Andrew, my dear man, I’m not saying S doesn’t love her children but she has exposed them to a number of men and involved them in her relationships to the point that these kids wouldn’t know “stable” if you drove them right into the middle of one. It’s too late now and I fear that the light at the end of the tunnel y’all see is a big old train bearing down on you. For the love of all things bright and beautiful, PLEASE stop shouldering all the blame when y’all have conflict and keep communicating with her. S has been broken, clearly, and I feel bad for her, but the more you say, the more she comes across to me as someone who has done her share of breaking as well. Please ask for help and make sure that you praise the boys but also teach them. She clearly needs some assistance in guiding them toward being productive adults. I’m sorry that this all sounds so harsh, but I just think you are a lovely man and I don’t want to see you get hurt.

[DonH]

Dawn I don’t think you are being harsh at all. You are being truthful. I know I’m not high on the list of whom Andrew takes advice from but for me all of this is both sad and eye opening to read. For me it reinforces how much hard work all of this is and how much I just don’t have the ambition for it. But that’s me.

For Andrew, please don’t sell yourself short. Like it’s all on you to do better and all on you to compromise. It’s great that you very much want to but not fair - to you. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. Giving the kids a pass might be the easy way to avoid conflict but it’s a bad path and in the long run harms them. Being lazy and playing video games is what kids do. It’s part of their DNA. My stepson was a master at it. But I didn’t let him get away with it and guess what - now at 33 he thanks me for that! You doing the work for them is a BAD idea. I agree with S here. But making them feel bad for doing a poor job, S loses my support there. Berating or yelling at them - no. But teaching and correcting - yes. And why didn’t S direct HER KIDS in the first place. I suspect you are seeing business as usual.

I’ve said before that the price of admission here seems so very high. You deserve as much as you give. And you give a huge amount. This entire family should be worried about upsetting or losing you - not the other way around. You have huge value and worth in this scenario. S and her kids need to rise up to your level not the other way around. Especially S. You should not feel that everything falls to you and it’s on your to compromise if you want to keep a girl friend or wife. Being in this sitch would scare the heck out of me. But that’s me.

Just please don’t sell yourself short that any given person or any given set of circumstances is all you are worthy of. Demand more - by that I mean expect more. We teach people how to treat us. S is clearly doing that with you - even if it’s not healthy. You need to do the same because I know it will be healthy.

And also... what Dawn said. It’s hard to say Dawn but you are doing Andrew a huge favor saying it.

[kml]

Ok I’ll take the other side as I’ve seen the interaction between CMM and my boys since he moved in.

1) The boys don’t want you to be grumpy dad - you already know that. They have their own grumpy dads. It’s important to carve out a positive relationship with them. CMM blew that right off the bat with passive -aggressiveness towards my boys about housekeeping stuff. Expecting that all of a sudden once he moved in that all would live up to his standards, he took on a bossy dad role that they had NO interest in listening to. (Mind you, I’m talking about things like leaving an unwashed glass by the sink or not thinking to take out the recycling without being asked or unload the dishwasher, not egregious dirtiness).

2) Ask for what you want. Why didn’t you go to S and say, “it’s time to unload the van, can you rustle up the boys?” Or call the boys “hey, time to unload - you start grabbing things and I’ll show you where to put them”. Why DIDNT you show the boys where you wanted things to go? Have realistic expectations - boys that age aren’t going to think about where they put things. Don’t sit around expecting them to read your mind and then getting irritated if they don’t. Ask nicely for help and reward their efforts without being critical. It’s like the dog training rule - reward the good behaviors, ignore the bad ones. Ask for what you want and get in and help with them so they don’t feel like you’re the overseer.

3) Work with their differences. With their ADD they aren’t going to be very organized unless you help them. Getting frustrated and “I’ll do it myself” reeks of passive aggressiveness. Plus it’s not helpful since her boys sound like they have a lot of catching up to do in terms of learning these skills.

4) For cripes sake don’t have any arguments within earshot of the boys. Just don’t.

5) Recognize if you’re doing things for yourself or them. CMM will do things I consider unnecessary (mopping the kitchen floor twice a week instead of once a week) then be resentful that the boys aren’t doing it for him.

6) S needs you to learn to like her kids. Don’t complain to her about them. See the Buddha in them and go from there.

[Dawn70]

Actually, kml, your first 2 points were exactly what I was trying to say. I don’t think Andrew should take the grumpy dad route either which is why I suggested a family meeting to lay out expectations for EVERY household member. I don’t think he should necessarily correct her sons unless there is some sort of imminently dangerous situation that needs to be addressed immediately. I do think, however, as the home owner, he does have the right to ask S to ask her kids to pitch in rather than acting as the chief cook and bottle washer to keep the peace. I think we can all agree that, left to their own devices, teenage boys are going to eat, sleep, play video games, watch tv, and NOT do any kind of chores without specifically being told, probably more than once. Andrew can’t be the disciplinarian but he can absolutely take a role as one who helps guide and teach the boys things as they grow. I have been the stepparent and it is a TOUGH role to play because there is a RAZOR thin line you have to walk to keep the peace. I think Andrew goes to the opposite extreme of CMM and just handles things himself rather than rocking the boat.

Really, in your post, you only said one thing that I didn’t necessarily agree with but since it wasn’t something I addressed in my original response, I just chalked it up to agree to disagree and moved on without even addressing it.

The rest of your points, I totally agree with: ask for help and be specific, give specific directions and reward help and positive behavior, don’t argue in ear shot of the kids and don’t vent to S about her kids (I would also add that if she vents to you about her own kids, just listen but don’t comment). I think Andrew does like the kids, it is living with them that will require adjustments.

I think S and her kids are used to a certain amount of chaos and instability while Andrew prefers quiet, calm, and orderly. There is no reason S and her kids can’t adapt, over time, to a more organized and routine lifestyle and I would bet it would actually do her kids some good.

[bttrfly]

Seems to me new living arrangement is the perfect time to instill new habits and create new family practices.

Chore chart
Expectations
Regular Family meetings

Absofricklutely no disagreements in front of the not-so-littles!


It would have been better to have discussed this prior to the great mashup of 2020. If you did and things aren't going according to your agreement, re-visit the agreement.

Before anyone jumps in with comments about those of us who aren't in relationships judging those who are, it might be helpful to know that some of us who aren't in relationships currently have enough on our plates with other family obligations and perhaps realizing that the pie only has so many slices have wisely concluded, for themselves, that if they cannot give a relationship what it deserves right now, best to keep that on the back burner til other family obligations reach their natural conclusion.