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KitCat Offline OP
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Thank you again to everyone!!! I do read and sit and think about everyone's advice even though it may not seem that way. Many are printed out so I can read regularly especially when I need a boost in the right direction.

I'm still drying out my car.... sigh.... its very humid here so that's an issue and of course I'm concerned about mold. One step at a time.

Got up this morning and the drive drive stopped working on my desktop.... AND, of course I'd been making plans to do a better back up... but hadn't gotten to it. S18 is a total nerd and feels the control/power panel on the drive is fried but there should be protections in place to have not damaged the drive. It will take him a few days to get a new power control for the drive. Like I needed anymore stress!!! smile

I'm going to share my H's text to me on Friday. He hasn't shared feelings like this since February and honestly this is deeper than what he shared then. As LH pointed out it's probably a closure statement more than anything.



H: I am a rebllious person always setting rules and limitations causes resentment.  Living in fear is no life worth living.  I knew this wasn't healthy a while ago. I tried to live in a lifestyle that you wanted and I felt pinned, restricted, regulated.  I wants things yes who doesn't but I want to enjoy things that I enjoy the ways I enjoy them.  No rules, no ultimatums, no restrictions.  We argued constantly because I wasn't heard to listened to.  I wasn't using my knowledge and my gifts, instead I have to push myself away from what I know what I can do. I failed to see that earlier I showed no respect for myself in that I could not respet anyone else

H: If that makes sense.



I have zero expectations. I don't expect he will follow up again.

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KK,

Yeah I would consider it a gift that he told you how he was feeling. He's a very weak man in that he couldn't break away from your control without another woman involved.

Now how you use the gift is up to you.

Your personality type is exhausting and it is gonna take a really long time for him to burn through the resentment that he has built up towards you.

The good news that since he hasn't fixed himself he very well may have attracted a controlling OW.

Hard work and infinite patience is the key.

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BTW again you continue to not hear him because you are trying to manipulate him back.

Another reason why ha says “you’ve learned nothing”.

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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
BTW again you continue to not hear him because you are trying to manipulate him back.

Another reason why ha says “you’ve learned nothing”.


Elaborate more???

I took the "you've learned nothing" in reference that I have not released the funds as he demanded. But the move was from my atty and she doesn't want me backing down.

I actually found that to be manipulative on his part. Last we spoke about 6wks ago is that my atty is NOT dropping FO because nothing has been settled. He knows I just want to please him... that's how we've gotten to this point. He has gotten every thing else this way.

So how does it look to you?

Last edited by KitCat; 06/28/20 01:44 PM.
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KC,

I'm looking at his posting in a different way and it's not about referencing the release of funds. Keep in mind, when something is written, people can interpret it many different ways. My take is that at the moment, looking back, he felt like he couldn't do what he wanted when he wanted. In his mind, he felt like he always had to do what you wanted and there were arguments about such things and he also felt like you really didn't listen to what he was trying to tell you or you listened and then chose to ignore what he was saying. You made an effort to fix things, but the "fix" didn't last long and everything slid back into the old mode of operation which created great dissatisfaction within himself. He may have gotten tired of trying to get you to listen and comprehend what he was saying in his own way. Keep in mind, no one is a mind reader and sometimes things have to said in very plain speak or by actions in order to get others to look up, take notice and realize that things have to change.

Now, please keep in mind, we hear a lot of this all of the time when spouses walk out the door. They really don't have a justification, but come up w/this type of stuff to justify the walk. Whether any of what he said is true or not, that is his perception of what life was like to him. I'm sure that had he actually sat down and had a heart to heart w/you, maybe things would have changed two years ago...but there is no way to verify this. Why? Because, I think, that in the back of his mind, he was just waiting for the right time to walk. This man may have been watching and comparing you to other women for the last two years and came to realize that he finally got a backbone to walk. Your improving yourself two years ago, was just a temporary fix to all of the problems that he had stuff downed for a long time. He may have appeared to be happy, but deep down he was very dissatisfied w/his life and then finally one day, the cork popped and he knew he couldn't live like that any longer.

Again, I want to state...this is his perception. Your perception may be entirely different. Please believe me when I say this, no matter how much you pretzeled, he was going to remain dissatisfied w/his life. Why? Because you didn't break him and no matter how much you attempt to fix, you can't fix him...he has to do that himself. Once you come to realize that there is no way to fix the relationship as it stands right now and put the focus back on you and I mean really focus on you, your son and your life...there just may be a chance that he will believe all of the changes that you make over the next year or so. But, until you step back and just let him go, things are not going to change. In fact, if you don't step back and leave him be, the more convinced he will become that he has done the right thing in walking out the door into the arms of ow.

Today is a new day...cease the contact w/him and focus on you. Get rid of the self help books and focus on you and live in the moment.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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For your car, there is a product called Damprid that I used to use in my RV when I lived on the coast. It works pretty well. You might be able to find it at Walmart or a Hardware store. It will help suk up some of the moisture. That's all I got.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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KK,

Yes he was absolutely being manipulative When he made that statement. He too has very toxic personality traits. That why you two had such a toxic relationship.

His direct message to you in words and actions are I wasn’t the marriage because of your control, rules, restrictions and ultimatums. I don’t want you to fix yourself for me now that shop is sailed and it’s too late. I have found another woman who I would to pursue a relationship with and I don’t want to be married to you anymore.

Now you want to implement what you’ve read in a book. “I hear you” which of course is the right thing to do. Now if you really truly hear him then you’ll let him go with no more pursuit, not slowing down the process, and no guilt about not attending future functions.

Anything else is old KK trying to get what she wants and will use, control, manipulation and pressure.

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KitCat Offline OP
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Ok... so 2 things

1 I recognize this as his truth... his viewpoint and feelings... but I never once in 10yr issued an ultimatum. For one they never work and I always knew how H hated them.

I assume this is just the generalized anger that he has to burn thru??? I of course did nothing to defend or argue his statement because I did not want to invalidate how he feels.

2 I guess I do see your point that he is questioning "why now am I changing" to point out to me he is no longer interested in me being any different or better... there is some sting there but it's from "no longer interested " and not from the work I have been doing.

I clearly need to change how I approach and interact with someone I love. I didn't get married to inflict hurt on someone. Frankly i have admitted to falling into micromanaging everything... why??? I thought I was helping. I never saw it saying that I don't respect you. Add in a new puppy and all that micromanaging I was overwhelmed and exhausted and burnt out

I was failing at managing the budget. I was pulling away from my H. I felt terrible in my own skin. I made an $800 purchase without discussing with my H... and my H would have never in a million years spent $200 without discussing first.

I swear I was so close to asking my H for help. To sit down and look at the bills together. To reasses what we really needed and to divide up more chores or change them... but he pulled the plug first.

Yes, I said that I wanted more help and yes I confessed to the purchase which he was none to pleased solely because he would have never done that to me but he easily forgive me... .mostly because he was already done at that point.

So I clearly need to make these changes for myself. The work is hard and painful and sometimes riddled with what ifs had I had been working on this before???

I'm not interested in manipulating my H back. If he came back I would want it to be because he realized he does miss me and wants to forge a new and better life... not because he felt his parole had been revoked.

I'm not contacting him. Zero expectations about the party. I have not ever asked for his help with moving S18 despite his repeated offer.... I will not remind him... I will not as for his help.


Thanks for your perspective LH

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KitCat Offline OP
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Also....

H I am not saying that things can not be amicable but I am unable to move things forward at this time. If you feel that is what you need to do for yourself you will need to get your own atty as I am not up to serving as a go between with you and mine.

?????

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I would only send that if he questions you again funds, etc. Right now, you need to sit down and focus on you. If you send that, you will get a sh@t load of emails once again and then you'll begin the spinning once again. Just leave things be for now. Again, if he asks about the funds, then shoot this off to him...


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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