DB isn’t manipulation at all. It’s about getting yourself back. Making yourself happy and being able to live and thrive in your new reality. When that happens, you become confident, happy and attractive naturally without it being forced. That’s what catches your spouses eye. That’s what makes them stand up and pay attention.
BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By George this man has got it!
Why can't he sell the timeshare? There are people out there that would be interested in it. Also, does he have written proof that he brought the money that is currently locked down into the marriage? If he has written proof of this, he may very well have a very good argument about who it belongs to regardless of it being put into a joint account. Was it an inheritance or something else? You don't have to go into specifics.
You are going to be okay no matter what happens. You will need to start shopping more wisely and if need be, once your son is off to college, if he goes away, you can rent out a room if it comes to that. There are so many things you can do to help yourself financially...you just have to breathe, step back and not allow fear to drive your bus. I know how you feel, I was bouncing all over the place when my xh left, but I had to put the brakes on the fear and start figuring out how I was going to make ends meet. My xh left me with $13,000 worth of debt and he refused to pay any of the joint debt that he helped incur. I cut corners, I worked a lot of overtime and I doubled up on payments whenever I could. It took me about a year to clear the debt and I'm glad that it is all behind me. Meanwhile, while I was trying to clear the credit card debit, my xh was out there attempting to use the joint cards, but I had reported them lost and had the balances placed on a new card so that I could ensure he didn't run them up on the old cards.
At some point, you need to sit down and make a list of your expenditures, take a look at what you actually use and don't use and begin cutting them down to only what you need once your son is off to college.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Trust me, once you kick fear to the curb, you will be just fine.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It’s obvious seeing him caused you to spiral, and now it seems you’re struggling with NC and guilt from following your attorney’s advice. This is why we keep suggesting not seeing him and no live interactions. It’s unnecessary. Many of us have separated households with ex’s with a minimum of contact. Email exists. You have an attorney. LH gave you a great sample text to send. The sooner you cut live contact again, the easier moving on becomes. He’s moved on.
It sounds like therapy would be incredibly helpful.
Why can't he sell the timeshare? There are people out there that would be interested in it. Also, does he have written proof that he brought the money that is currently locked down into the marriage? If he has written proof of this, he may very well have a very good argument about who it belongs to regardless of it being put into a joint account. Was it an inheritance or something else? You don't have to go into specifics.
You are going to be okay no matter what happens. You will need to start shopping more wisely and if need be, once your son is off to college, if he goes away, you can rent out a room if it comes to that. There are so many things you can do to help yourself financially...you just have to breathe, step back and not allow fear to drive your bus. I know how you feel, I was bouncing all over the place when my xh left, but I had to put the brakes on the fear and start figuring out how I was going to make ends meet. My xh left me with $13,000 worth of debt and he refused to pay any of the joint debt that he helped incur. I cut corners, I worked a lot of overtime and I doubled up on payments whenever I could. It took me about a year to clear the debt and I'm glad that it is all behind me. Meanwhile, while I was trying to clear the credit card debit, my xh was out there attempting to use the joint cards, but I had reported them lost and had the balances placed on a new card so that I could ensure he didn't run them up on the old cards.
At some point, you need to sit down and make a list of your expenditures, take a look at what you actually use and don't use and begin cutting them down to only what you need once your son is off to college.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Trust me, once you kick fear to the curb, you will be just fine.
The timeshare is worthless - they always are but this is something my H wanted - he has always said he accepts that he was responsible for this.
You cannot even give these things away - it would have to be paid off and then hope you can find someone willing to take it for the cost of title changing. He is stuck paying regardless. He is just trying to find something to complain about.
I'm good with a budget - in 10yr we lived a great life with expensive vacas and still managed to sock a way over a quarter million. I will be fine unless he dumps the timeshare and the car on me... that will be difficult.
THE MONEY IS HIS.
My atty knows this but still states its marital money. If I release before we have an agreement in place I lose my leverage with retirement accounts. When we first married money was tight so we only contributed to his 401k due to the amount we could leverage and cost of the account. My atty wants everything locked down until we have a settlement in place.
H states he will not go after all my home equity because I owned the home before I married him... but my atty states legally he is entitled to his half of 100% of the equity. I only have his word he doesn't want it all but if it turns out I'm due more from his retirement than he feels is obliged he could change his mind.
When he left he voluntarily stated he would take the timeshare and give it to me when paid off and also pay of S18 car and sign it over to him when paid off.... NOW he is complaining on what he decided and dictated.
What else will he change his mind on???
I would just like to give him the money... but I'm paying my atty to be my legal rep and I need to take her advice. She stated once I release the funds and they are gone I may never see them again if I am awarded part due to settlement.
It’s obvious seeing him caused you to spiral, and now it seems you’re struggling with NC and guilt from following your attorney’s advice. This is why we keep suggesting not seeing him and no live interactions. It’s unnecessary. Many of us have separated households with ex’s with a minimum of contact. Email exists. You have an attorney. LH gave you a great sample text to send. The sooner you cut live contact again, the easier moving on becomes. He’s moved on.
It sounds like therapy would be incredibly helpful.
I regret with a vengeance now every time I broke NC. I see my mistakes with a huge magnifying lens.
I don't want to hear from him.
I've been putting all this pressure on myself. I see that now. I spoke to him and showed some vulnerability before I was really truly ready... or prepared... HUGE mistake.
Now he has shown some vulnerability back. I accept that as his truth. I hear him.
I realize I am not ready for anything more at this point. PERIOD
But will you still see your mistake tonight? Tomorrow? Next week? Will you allow your need of contact to overwhelm your senses and good judgement just so you end up back in this emotional state again?
You say you don’t want to hear from him, yet you make sure you do. Use your attorney. Get a self storage locker for whatever else and send him the key in the mail. Email him he has 30 days to empty it. Leave it at that. That stops the contact and any need for him to be at your home. Money conversations and time share discussions can be had between your lawyer and him. And yes I understand if your lawyer takes over these aspects it makes the D that much more real. However, he told you he loves another woman whom he lives with and he hasn’t wavered in that.
I don’t see the vulnerability he showed. I see annoyance and anger. And his truth is he wants to ride off into the sunset with the money he considers his own with his new partner.
Hang in there. Drop the rope. Detach. Focus on you and stop the focus on him. This needs to be about you, you and more you.
Again I think individual counseling would do wonders for you. And I mean that in a caring way
Last edited by JosephS; 06/26/2004:12 PM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Kit -- I'm going to be a bit blunt here, because I really think you need to hear it. I'm so sorry things continue to spiral for you, and they really are spiraling *for you*...and I don't think they are for your husband. For whatever reason, your H has moved on, at least for the foreseeable future. I don't think it matters much with respect to your life and your future as to why he has moved on, but he has. From reading your posts, it seems like you spend so much time trying to dissect why he has done various things, why he has said various things, and why you are doing certain things and thinking certain things. You seem very "in your head" all of the time, and committed to expending so much of your day-to-day energy analyzing and analyzing. I don't think that's helping you. It just seems to build up like a pressure cooker and then, as a release, you contact him or respond to his seemingly manipulative efforts to contact you. Many people here, myself included, have seen these spirals, and have so much compassion for you. It's got to be so painful, and I don't think all of the introspection you personally do with yourself is helping you much. As odd as it sounds, I think you need to put down the self-help books, and use this forum to focus on you in the today...how you are feeling, what you are doing to reacquaint yourself with you, and what you want to do in the future separate from your identity with him.
I'm not saying there isn't value during this whole process of thinking about what went wrong, what you want to fix about yourself based on what went wrong, etc., but you've spent so much of your time and energy doing it yourself in your own head that you haven't even started to pull away. I think all of us have moments where we analyze and analyze and turn things over and over in our head, especially when we are hurting. I still do sometimes. It doesn't seem to do me any favors, and I know it's hard to not do. But this has become a very rote pattern for you, and it seems to me it's causing you so much pain. I've gently recommended counseling to you before. I don't think it's a fix-all by any means, but it's been one tool among many that has helped me during this process. My therapist has commented on things about myself that I hadn't thought of, and has served as one guide among many, including DB, people on this forum, and close friends. I think, at the very least, it would give you an hour a week and an outlet from someone who is trained to do the kind of introspection that you spend so much time doing on your own with books. It might even break up some of this cycle where you get caught overanalyzing yourself and your H.
I'm sorry if any of this lands harshly...it's really not my intention. I'm by no means the picture of stability at the moment. I just want you to get some semblance of calm back, even every now and then.
Anyway, as you've done with me so many times...(((HUGS))). I hope you have a good weekend.
I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware. Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore BD March 2020 -- separation
KC, you've gotten so much good advice from so many people, and I do truly feel for you. It's hard to see someone continually remain in or insert them selves further into a situation that causes them pain.
Obv I am not a lawyer, and it varies state by state, but my XH did try to sue me for money that I had before we were married. I was able to prove it was mine, and won. He sued me after the D was final. But, I also had an attorney. My XH was super abusive, and I blocked him in every avenue possible, and my attorney handled the rest. It was great. I was in a painful situation and too scared of the unknown to get out of it for a long time, and it was the best decision I have ever made. I grew and learned a lot. The other side of D can feel really good. I never thought I would get married again, but I am, and despite going through some tough times together, am still in a good place with him. Doing DB has been helpful for me personally WAY more than helpful for our marriage - helping the R isn't the actual point of it, which I know others have said more eloquently than I can currently. I don't think anyone here has been the perfect DBer - it isn't supremely linear in nature. My H returned because he saw I put in the work for myself, and not for him or to get him back.
I am going to also echo that you could really benefit from IC. It's interesting to see that you always blame his love for OW/his feelings for her as the reason that he is not coming back, even after saying you've identified your parts in the breakdown of the M. He isn't doing xyz because he is out with her, etc. Honestly, it really doesn't matter what he is or isn't doing. I am not saying this in a hurtful way, but there's a strong possibility that he is gone because of stuff that only has to do with you and him, not him and someone else. That can be really hard to admit to yourself, and IC can be really invaluable with that, too. I think it'd help you in the acceptance part of this to stop making it about OW and his feelings for her, too. It didn't seem to be a large part of the dynamic of why he left, and doesn't seem to come into play when you interact.
I also agree with Beth about overanalyzing everything. Take time for your actual self, not the you in M, and stop worrying about H. I know this is way easier said than done, all of it is, but you can't practice that if you're so busy overanalyzing and all of that.
I did not have anything against counseling previously but when I say something really bad happened the last time... please respect my space and understand it was extremely traumatic... ((mal-practice))
