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Originally Posted by LH19

Originally Posted by KitCat
You are probably also right that he's siting up pretty tall liking his view point that I'm still under his thumb.

After all those years that you had the control he is enjoying being the puppet master.


Touche'

Do you really think he enjoys that I'm just sitting here looking for bread crumbs or it he just annoyed that I can't get the message???

Your right I really think he does... maybe not on a conscious level??? Maybe when I feel stronger I can admit to what happened last night. I don't want to be judged. I started it and then I think I let him bait me into a trap... I was exhausted and not making good decisions. No sleep last night.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
I need to sit with my feelings. Yesterday was pretty painful. I need to remind myself that doing nothing is doing something. That so long as I remain in contact with him he gets all the time in the world to get over me.

You don't have to get over something you can have at anytime you want it. How can you change the dynamic.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Its time for me to toughen up.

You have been saying this for months now. I think it's time.



So things ended last night with me reminding him he still had my overhead door opener. I let him know the books were on the desk so he could let himself in while I was at work and leave the opener and go out the front door since it can be locked from the outside without a key or code.

He responded with OK.

I figured he would let me know via text when he had been round to the house since I was not home. YUP --- EXPECTATIONS. Got to stop doing that. smile

I really want peace. I know I know I know -that is 100% up to me and has nothing to do with him.

June 25th - the start of a new life.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
Do you really think he enjoys that I'm just sitting here looking for bread crumbs or it he just annoyed that I can't get the message???

I think he enjoys messing with you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe when I feel stronger I can admit to what happened last night.

KK. Come on. We all know you are really bad at DB. How bad can it be?

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
Do you really think he enjoys that I'm just sitting here looking for bread crumbs or it he just annoyed that I can't get the message???

I think he enjoys messing with you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe when I feel stronger I can admit to what happened last night.

KK. Come on. We all know you are really bad at DB. How bad can it be?


I'm like that trashy novel you just can't put down... LOL.

Let me digest my shame a little first and get to a healthier place so both my feet are squarely planted on the floor for that 2x4

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Oh boy! And here we go!

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Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe I'm struggling because I'm not allowing myself to forgive me???


For what? For not being absolutely perfect? No one is. You, me, your H, my XW, the person next door, whoever. There is no such thing as the perfect person, perfect W or perfect H. You had your faults, you recognize them and you're vowing to do better. That's all any of us can do. But we're STILL not perfect. We stumble along through life falling and getting back up again. The only people who don't make mistakes are the ones that never try. Don't feel like you need to forgive yourself for being human!

I think your biggest issue is you.... can't.... let.... go. It's a classic case of saying you've dropped the rope while not-so-secretly holding it behind your back with a death grip. You keep hoping there is some quick fix that will put it all back to normal, that your H will have some epiphany and abandon his GF and come running back to you ready to recommit. It just never happens that way, and if you keep thinking "well I will be the exception" then please quit thinking that! As several of us keep telling you, there is hope, but it's distant hope for marriage 2.0 and a lot has to happen before then including you completely letting go of him, which as of yet you are unwilling to do.

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I need the mindset that he no longer exists.


I'm not sure about that, I mean he does exist and he's around now and then so you can't wish that away. Rather, your mindset needs to be that you let go of him and accept your new life without him. When you truly drop the rope then you won't care one bit about his FB status or who he's looking at in his yearbook or who he lives with or any of it. Someone here used to say you can look out the window and see your ex having sex in your front yard and think "that's strange" and go back to what you were doing. That is literally how I feel about my XW now, as hard as it may be to believe. I don't know if she's dating or serious with someone or hosting weekend sex parties and I could care less. It would be like hearing a stranger is doing it, I'd just shrug my shoulders and say "whatever makes her happy!"


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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KC, your threads are reminding me of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
KC, your threads are reminding me of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.


I LOVE that movie.... :-)

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OK... MY BIGGEST MISTAKE

Me: Thank you for bringing puppy. It was hard letting him go but I know I made the right choice. You've really bonded and I'm glad he gets to go to the farm and play in the creek. I'd love to see that ((I have already thanked him... THIS WAS GARBAGE))

2hr later

Me: You still have my garage opener?
H: Yes I guess I do
Me: Your books are on the desk. You can leave opener behind, go out front door and then lock it again?
H: Ok

1hr later

Me: Are you happy? ((OMG who took over my brain????))

40min later

Me: I just wanted to know if you are happy? ((Really??? He didn't answer the first time idiot!))
H: Can you be more specific?
H: Generally yes quite, well rested, good friends, and family much closer. Doing simple things has given me much pleasure
Me: I regret how isolated you were here. I always wished we had at least 1 or 2 "couple friend" to do things with.

30min later

H: Your supposed to be sleeping ((this is a common thing he says whenever I would be awake texting him when I was supposed to be sleeping and resting))
Me: I spend most nights reading. if there's a self help book on how to stop being a controlling wife I've read it or am reading it... lol
Me: I'm glad your happy.
H: ok why?
Me: ?Why am I glad you're happy?
H: Why are you reading self help books
Me: Digging deep to find out why I was pulling away from you last fall...

Understanding how disrespectful I was to you by recognizing all my controlling behaviors... that I always had utmost respect for you but learning how I can give/show respect in M.

In telling me your stress/sleep deprivation, your frustration with me - you just wanted to be heard. By just agreeing with you that we needed to move to lower your stress I would have been putting my trust in you in making what you thought was the best decision for us -- that would be showing you respect.

Control comes from fear.

I learned about the 4 horesman and which ones I'm guilty of and how to keep those horses in the stable. How I can be a better wife or at least a better person.

LOL! sorry you asked??? ((And, who is surprised he checked out - that answer was WAY too long))

This was the most pointless conversation ever!!!! I get that - what alien abducted me??? The use of 'us' COMPLETELY off putting. All I really said is "I''m the problem... if you ever start to think about me and think that you may want to try again you will remember this conversation and go... oh, right... she got this problem... that's why I can't go there.

WTH KitCat

Apparently, I need a new set of books focusing on how to stop the drama.

Of course he said nothing... of course he came and got the books and dropped off the remote and didn't text he left. He's got plan b in his back pocket.

I get it....

This weekend I'm leaving the phone down and staying off the computer. I need to make a list of several things I can do that don't require any of this. I need to establish new routines.



That's why I said JUNE 25 is my day... I told you upfront I was dealing with a lot of shame but i can handle criticism where criticism is due.

Last edited by KitCat; 06/25/20 05:46 PM.
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OK you poured your heart out and nothing changed, what comes next?

There is nothing you can do right now to end the affair or get your H back.

How does that feel? Crappy right? Used to fixing things? Used to finding a way? Familiar with the feeling that if you work hard enough, anything is possible? None of that applies now, there is nothing you can do. You need to surrender to that, grieve it and find peace with it. Fighting against it sets you up as his adversary, pushes them together and you away. If you continue to actively try to disrupt the affair and get your H back, you will only dig your hole deeper and deeper, and that will be a debt that will take you a long time to recover from. Unfortunately he most likely passed this information onto OW and they are probably got good a chuckle out of it.

Even if you weren't the best W in the world you don't deserve this. That said, cheating is often an expression of anger. It can be useful to understand why he was angry -- but be careful: do not use that as an excuse to blame yourself. You are NOT guilty of creating this situation in any way.

You are panicking right now trying to do something, anything, to regain control over your life.

Recognize that you are in a state of panic -- there is no shame in that. You've been traumatized. When you are panicking, you will act without thinking things all the way through. You don't want to do that, so embrace that you are panicking and wait for it to pass before taking additional actions.

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Your last post is why I gave you the advice I gave you on the mail situation. AT a minimum you should have been gone when he came to get his mail. Seeing him. His indifferent attitude (see how well detachment works!). All that set you back, and you weren't very far forward to begin with.


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