Ending Limbo

[Ginger1]

^^^^^ who cares^^^^^

Are her actions a reflection of her words? She’s not doing any of those things.

So out of the blue?!? Come on now. You are giving yourself excuses.

If you aren’t ready, don’t do it. I can almost guarantee she’s going to say “ give me time” and you’ll say ok. And not a thing will change. She will throw something to keep you on the hook to keep her cushy lifestyle and nothing will change.

And you have to be ok with that to come out on the other end. You’ll have to be ok living as roommates and atoooing the snooping and her snide remarks. You’ll have to get so much stronger.

[Spiral]

Core,

Before acting, you should consider how much action will actually change your life? My wife filed for divorce a few months ago and I am only a few months away from the big day. But I feel like the filing itself has had zero impact on my life. She also moved out after I told her that she should. That conversation did have an impact on my life.

With that in mind, what action are you taking that will have an impact? If it isn't going to change anything, why bother? As for talking, I cannot see that having a positive impact.

-Spiral

[Drh2001]

I have some thoughts to the source of my spinning. It's a battle of two belief systems.

Set A: Fight for marriage till the bitter end, kids need two parents in one home, god is pro marriage, W can be forgiven, you love w and are attracted to her most times just not at the moment, divorce will cause shame, life will be worse after.

Set B: You're holding on to a dead marriage, W forsake god and the marriage-this makes it ok and advisable to D, you dont love her and arent attracted to her-did you ever?, the kids are worse off the longer this lasts, divorce will help to achieve goals and thus happiness, you cant forgive W, life will be better after D, W doesnt deserve you and you deserve better, if Im only holding on for the kids then there is nothing worth saving.

Reality is probably inbetween these two however I keep trying to pick one mindset or the other.

core, I feel your pain and I'm going through the exact same thing. Tonight, my WW has gone off to see OM and stay the night with him, then she'll come back home to me and my two kids.

My kids say they stopped caring about the situation because they have no power to control things and neither do I.

I work remotely due to Covid and just counting down the weeks till she moves out. First she wanted to buy me out but couldn't afford to. Then she got a better job and wanted to move in with OM. Then OM broke up with her and she wanted to buy a house. Now she's back with OM but wants to move into her own place. It changes every week.

[Core]

You're all right.

So I've already tried talking, I tried actions. I gave up and worked on me and the kids. I gave numerous chances. I should have nothing to feel guilty over and W SHOULDNT be surprised by the next course of action. Past experience everytime I moved forward tells me otherwise.

In latest events her true colors show again. Im bed ridden with a migraine and she asked me to avoid one side of the house incase its the bug. I asked if she would bring me water then and she no pretty harshly. I guess to the person I married that my suffering is deserved. Unbelievable. Zero heart. Zero empathy. Also my lawyer apparently closed hos practice for a few weeks to open a new one. Starting over there.

I had this WAS like fantasy where I'd be single, exW would be at home to take care of the kids. Even an impossible fantasy isnt worth it now. This person put all the blame on me and hates me for it. I am disgusted.

[LH19]

C

So in ten months you’ve tried everything you can think of and nothing worked. I’m pretty sure that you have read on this board it’s a marathon and not a sprint. 10 months is like an hour in WW land.

Having said that I support your decision to D if you so choose.

[Core]

Drh, I cant imagine kids getting to the point of not caring anymore though I can understand why and how that occurred. In terms of our Ws, it is sad to see those we loved become so broken, even as it hurts us.

Thank you LH, I know just like a WW, if flip flopped my own feelings on this board. The more that comes to light, the more I want to leave.

W went completely irrational, and attack mode in front of the kids today, right back in to her victim mindset. All over me something minor and self directed yet she took it as an attack. I validated her side while it was still rational. She made no attempt to understand mine. She says "do you know how exhausting it is to be angry at you all the time"? I stopped validating and shouldve kept it up but Im out myself. If she actually tried to get help, went to therapy and stopped her victim mindset maybe she could break free from her cycle. How she cant see the light is beyond me. I told her im not responsible for her feelings, only she is. She agreed but then starting throwing her arms up, her tone got worse. I asked her to keep things peaceful in front of the kids but she kept going. Trying to convince me that I purposely said things to hurt her. I feel bad for her but I gotta get my kids outta this and myself. Giving it about a week until I contact my lawyer.

[ovrrnbw]

If you're only giving it a week until you contact your lawyer well then I doubt anything will change.

I can tell you are still caught up in the storm with her. A divorce doesn't change that, ask Wolfman.

I would focus on detaching, self improvement, and being conscious when you talk to her. Can you honestly say that you've been "doing what works"? You state that she needs help, therapy, and to change her victim mindset. That's your opinion, sure, but you have zero control over her. Why not shift the focus to something you do control?

I told her im not responsible for her feelings, only she is.

When you said this, I bet she was thinking "F#$& YOU".

These types of thoughts are for you and probably aren't well received when you share them with her.

Why aren't you GAL? Why aren't you focused on actions over words? Your deeds can be of a much greater value.

[Core]

If you're only giving it a week until you contact your lawyer well then I doubt anything will change.

Same here, if there was going to be a change, it wouldve happened already or it'll be years down the road.

I can tell you are still caught up in the storm with her. A divorce doesn't change that, ask Wolfman.

I believe it'll lessen it at least.

I would focus on detaching, self improvement, and being conscious when you talk to her. Can you honestly say that you've been "doing what works"? You state that she needs help, therapy, and to change her victim mindset. That's your opinion, sure, but you have zero control over her. Why not shift the focus to something you do control?

Nothing works. On days that we seemed to be having fun and getting along, she still saying awful things behind my back. My improvements can go far to help me and the kids, I've no doubt about it. What I cant control is Ws constant anger and issues which the kids are exposed to. What I can do is cut that exposure in half.

When you said this, I bet she was thinking "F#$& YOU".

I'm sure she was thinking that first think in the AM before we even chatted. I guess I dont know how to respond in those situations. I know validating isnt agreeing but I am not going to validate something thats invalid. Im no longer letting myself be responsible for her feelings and actions and she was trying darn hard to put it on me. I just told her I'm done talking. She berating me in front of the kids for a few more minutes then huffed and puffed outta the room.

These types of thoughts are for you and probably aren't well received when you share them with her.

What should one say when someone makes you an attacker and themselves a victim? I cant valid that. What I said I agree was probably one of the worse things I could say.

Why aren't you GAL? Why aren't you focused on actions over words? Your deeds can be of a much greater value.

I was working in my basement office when this all happened. GALing is going pretty well during my off hours. Will be better once the gym opens. To your other points, Im still letting W knock me off center. I cannot stand irrational people so you can only imagine how much I dislike a WW. I wont stand for being accused of things that didnt happen and play in to her narrative. I could not forcefully remove her from my office without facing a DV charge. Besides using more appropriate words, I dont know what else couldve been done.

Im at one year of physical and emotional abandonment just about and with my glasses no longer being rose tinted I see all the years worth of garbage. Im waiting a week on the lawyer as I know the confrontation threw me off but I see absolutely nothing worth saving in this M. The kids are better off with one parent being healthy instead of watching the healthier one get continually punished by the unhealthy.

[Core]

I found out W told even more complete lies about me to another friend. Stuff goes around, her friend reached out to me as at least this one knew im not that crazy. She's painting me black to everyone and in my mind as an innocent female victim is gaining support. BPD, NPD, or just WW, whatever it is, is just getting worse. I'm finishing my D prep the next few days then filing. I dont love someone who hates me, I dont love someone who tries to disassemble my relationships with others. Safety and sanity first. Was more important than battling her disorder the rest of my life. My IC told me these are massive red flags. Yeah he's not the best IC but still, I cannot live in this sitch. How long till she targets my relationship with my family, my kids?

[Core]

Journaling:
Im back on the thoughts of W having BPD, the latest:
W: be careful while pouring milk
W: stop when the milks high
D4: *spills* oops, sorry mommy
W: why didn't you listen to me, thats not nice
D4: i got distracted
W: you shouldnt ignore mommy, now theres a mess
D4: i didnt ignore mommy, i was distracted
W: you didnt listen
D4: sorry mommy

Core: im in the clock, Ill miss time while youre getting medicine so I wont be able to take the kids out during my lunch.
W: it feels like your blaming me
Core: im sorry you feel that way, work is important and Im not going to push the limits on my time. Ill take them out after work.
W: youre blaming me and making me angry. I tired of being angry at you so often.
This continued on till I told her I had to work.

This is going to be a really messy D and I think Im going to spend a small fortune for the kids (worth it) to keep them in counseling over the years. The convos now with D4 scare me. D4 is starting to walk on eggshells and often has to apologize. W expects the same of me. I tell the kids, "i love bobbling you". When im swinging them around. W feels like i use the word incorrectly to hurt her and asked me to stop. Not only does she have to control my actions but my words themselves.

Whether BPD or something else, this is not healthy and the kids and I need a safe place. This is all minor, passive and covert but it adds up to a whole lot. Im not having one last chat with W. Unless I see her go to intensive therapy, I am not going to accept her back if she tries. It would all be a charade. I sincerely hope I am not painted black to my kids. I pray to my god for them and myself. Theres no way I get more than 50/50 custody at this point. I was even for it before but now when I see w handle D4 conflict and D4s nervous reactions, I see where my own anxiety formed and why it went from being in my background to a daily obstacle.