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Core #2899613 07/10/20 06:17 PM
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I'm going to get nailed by the board here with this post and maybe I should. Hear me out first.

I wanted to take the kids to a public water park here. Barely used because of covid. My Ws friend had us watching her 4 and 2ish kids for the day. W asked to come along so they could all play. I said ok and we went out as a super big family.

I played in the water with the kids a bit and just felt something was wrong. After playing with the kids in the water for a bit, W was just cold, mean, distant. She asked me for a food pouch for the baby which slipped out my fingers and she sarcastically says "thanks", i got criticized for wiping sand off my leg, later on she complained twice at home for me not stacking dishes the way she wouldve liked. Anyways this is getting long but it continued.

She was supposed to have her counseling today. I see no bill and she texted a friend at the time. Total blow off. So shes not really going or cant get herself to go. So I did what a sane person would do (not) and snooped.

Thats where I'll get flack but know what, i have to protect myself, my kids, my interests and my future. I'm not living with someone who's having a bad day but someone who abhores me and has the power to destroy my life. Not like others here whose spouse has feelings and some kindess. Her friend whom I borderline saved her husband from a crap load of trouble with the law internet chatted with her. (This is NGS as I see I expect pleasantness in return to being a compassionate friend to them). Well W texted her friend along the lines of "lame faced hillbilly has such a farmer tan that He looks like a botched paint job". Her friend rolled on the floor. No my H looks like this, but a derogatory object looks like this.

Funny if it wasnt about me I guess. This is the seething hatred vibing in my house. Its not ok and I need to protect myself. She told another friend she should have a job by fall so she's making plans, just not communicating. All while telling others im not being a good person. Weird.

I've been painted black. I take this as the final sign I needed. This isnt healthy for the kids even if there are no visible arguments. This isnt better for them, I dont think it can be. This is the woman I've helped take two babies out of, helped her out of a bad area in to the best part of town. I'm such a bad person her and her companions can just degrade me. I saved her friends kid from getting a concussion or worse with a "dad save" which injured me for a week and she is going to encourage this?

Im fed up, and yes this cut through my skin. No it shouldnt but im weak and allowed it. I thought overall it couldve been a great day, yet I was judged and criticized by my W and someone who I considered a friend. Their kids are probably my kids best friends and I'll have to see them for years to come.

I see zero reason not to file. Yes W is going through a hard time. Yet I'm the target. Im guessing therapy may just be her cheating. She did call a therapist, I saw it but clearly didnt go. My days are worse with her around in it and i could moreso be enjoying these young years with the kids. This gorgeous bikini clad woman talked to me today when I took my kids again to the park without W. Telling me how cute the kids are and how nice im with them. A stranger who could be a model whom I would think avoids random men, treats me kindly while my friends and W think im a toxic slug. I want away from the truly toxic environment. I'll lose half my days with my kids but those days I get will be so much happier. Busier yes, more stressful yes. Am I fantasizing and partially ignoring how hard it will be, yes. But not as hard as living in a dead lonely marriage where I'm my Ws arch enemy. I didn't break her. She thinks so.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2899615 07/10/20 06:28 PM
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Honestly, I can't blame you for feeling the way you do.

Only you know when it's time to file. Clearly she lacks respect to put it mildly.

Core #2899639 07/10/20 11:26 PM
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I'm planning on one last loving conversation before calling it quits. Seeing as an R talk is already against the rules, and likely to push her away I dont want to overdo it by breaking too many rules. Even if I D today, we'll be stuck together for the process, due to covid and due to long daycare waiting lists. I'm thankful they've had the time at home that they've had.

I'm thinking of breaking one rule and talking about our old days, how I know she feels vulnerable and hurt and is protecting herself. I'd pathetically then like to ask her if any part of her wants to work on the M. When she asks for time, Ill ask what that means. If she says shes ready then Ill just say ok, and will call my attorney when Ive the chance to start this logistics untying. I dont know what else to say really. I wonder if she loves me but I doubt it and i might as well be crawling on my knees groveling by asking that. Theres nothing else I need to know. If she wants to work on things well thats a whole different dilemma im not ready for. Doubtful so focus is off that.

I know why this happened, as LH mentioned its likely avoidant-anxious dance. Her past is scarred and bubbled up, recreating her wounds and I suppose mine did as well. I know who my friends are now. I know I tried. I didnt give it a full year since BD. I may or may nor regret it long run. It will have been almost a year since she physically and emotionally left so im rationalizing that.

Any suggestions on this last ditch effort? What to say or avoid saying?


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2899642 07/10/20 11:46 PM
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You say nothing. There is no last last last last last ditch effort . You are only going to make her see you worse than she already does. And it’s going to have absolutely zero effect.

Be effective. Just do it. Actions. No words . your have gotten you no where . And you’ve used a whole lot of them. She can’t stand you right now ( sorry for the harshness) and she really even loathe you more when you bring up memories.

Don’t do it. Be silent. I understand that can be very difficult, but you’ll certainly save some face

Core #2899643 07/11/20 12:10 AM
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Hi Core, sounds like a bad, bad idea. You're mind-reading "she feels vulnerable and hurt and is protecting herself". Also, you already know she's neither in a place to commit to reconciliation nor ready to divorce you. There's no need to "pathetically ask" when in this moment (sorry) she despises you.

Avoid saying anything.

What actions could Core take to build himself up?

Core #2899644 07/11/20 01:06 AM
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C,

As early as one week ago you were ready to play the long game and then you snoop and read something you don’t like and you go back to wanting to force it.

I feel like you’ve lost your identity and you don’t know who you are right now. One minute your all about the kids and sucking it up for them, the next minute you have a great life planned out for the three of them and now you want to stroll down memory lane.

I am a proponent for the one last relationship talk but you’re not ready for it right now. You’re are not strong enough to say this isn’t working for you and communicating your expectations of what you want out of marriage and then walking if she won’t work towards meeting those expectations.

You’re a beaten man right now and are in no position to come from a place of strength.

Core #2899648 07/11/20 01:44 AM
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I think the problem is he’s had the one last relationship talk 5 times so far

Core #2899655 07/11/20 03:56 AM
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No R talks. Period.

Unless you want to get massively BDed.

Step away from your emotions - they are leading you right now, and you may regret making an emotional decision while you are in this state.

Calm yourself first. Get ahold of your anxiety.

Core #2899656 07/11/20 04:22 AM
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Core,

I have wanted to speak R with my H. But I am not ready, and I know if I attempted, it would not go well. I still want to stand and I am really trying to not read his mind,

Last Friday ( one week ago) til Monday, he was very nice, making mini convos. Tuesday morning, someone else took over and he returned to being blank stare- distant. He has been easy to deal with in the last few months. What changed? I.dont.know. I cannot read his mind. I can think he’s hurt and is depressed and a multitude of other excuses, but I really don’t know. What do I know? Me. I am not ready to give up, and a year ago, this was normal behavior. I have seen him lighten up and cycle through a few times since then. He is fighting his own battles.

I had cried to my IC when he went out with his friends, thinking of all of the lies he was possibly telling them. She asked why it mattered, since I know the truth. I had to really think about that. He’s lying. Oh well. I know the truth, and so does he.

I will just keep standing until I decide I don’t want to or until I don’t need to, this isnt for the weak. Do what you need to do as in making a plan if things don’t go to a reconciliation. But if you can, GAL and don’t talk to her about R.

Stay strong,
PLC

Core #2899657 07/11/20 05:41 AM
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Oh, Core.

I am so sorry. Your feelings must be so hurt right now. I know mine would be. Here you are, doing your best as a Dad and an H, and W throws it in your face with her nasty text conversations. Ouch. Deep, heart-hurt there. It’s OK to feel sad and hurt and angry right now. You are allowed those feelings.

HOWEVER (ha! You probably knew this was coming), you absolutely MUST see this as a reflection of her, not you. What kind of person gains legitimacy (laughs/humor/kicks) by bashing or making fun of a good person? Only an unhealthy person. Only a person who is lost, sad, low self-esteem and bitter. PLEASE do not take this as an excuse to pity her. She is not worthy of your pity right now. But if you were reading your thread and knew nothing of the two of you, you would see it as I do: Core is a good person trying his best and his W is a sad, lost, bitter creature who is not worthy of his attention. I mean, SO NOT WORTHY. (Right now).

Do NOT have that last R talk. She will use it to further degrade you and you will regret it. Right now, you need to bottle that anger/hurt/feeling of being done and save it as rocket fuel for the next step. And you can only decide the next step when you are in a place of calm. Which isn’t now.

Her words are a reflection of her, not you. Her, not you. Drum that into your soul. This is about her and not you.

Once you are in a place of what’s best for YOU, uncap that rocket fuel and use it to propel you to the next level of Core. The one deserving of a partner who appreciates him, sees what a great Dad he is (ahem, model girl at the park), and knows how to treat a person with dignity and respect.

It might be your W. It might not. But in the meantime, stay true to Core.

(((Core)))

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