You still want to punish her. And you still expect her to act like a wife when she doesn’t want to.
Her commuting to being the wife you want right now is off the table. Not an option. Erase it. You can leave and divorce and give her the consequences you want her to suffer. Or you can continue to live as roommates and parents, you do your thing, she does her thing .
What you want to have happen is off the table now so you have to play the hand you are dealt right now.
And you totally have the millennial mentality. I’m going to whine about it until I get what I want.
It’s just not the way the world works! It is a cruel world out there.
The whining part I was joking about. It is a disgusting trait all around and definitely one I need to rid myself of.
The part where I dont see myself changing is liking rules, borders, structure and rationality. That is me, thats my family. I dont see that being changable and honestly if it is, I dont want to change it. I had a perfectly fine life before Ws past caught up with her, full of good friends and family. This trait of mine didnt break her and its probably what attracted her chaos in the first place. Once my own chaos came in after my anxiety flaired up, thats when things got bad. If W will commonly be a reactive victim, have no empathy and be consistently irrational then the problem is hers, is it not?
By the counselors style, I'm referring to EMDR. Only one other person does it here, and is the only male, which I prefer over a female in terms of IC. Im not seeing changes from EMDR as it has to be done in person which my state wont allow yet. I am seriously considering a new IC until I can EMDR with this one.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
The part where I dont see myself changing is liking rules, borders, structure and rationality. That is me, thats my family. I dont see that being changable and honestly if it is, I dont want to change it. I had a perfectly fine life before Ws past caught up with her, full of good friends and family. This trait of mine didnt break her and its probably what attracted her chaos in the first place. Once my own chaos came in after my anxiety flaired up, thats when things got bad. If W will commonly be a reactive victim, have no empathy and be consistently irrational then the problem is hers, is it not?
You can be right. Or you can be happy. You rarely can be both.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
- Logic and reason do not work here. You can try to figure them out, but it will lead you nowhere and it will not solve anything.
- You can blame your faulty characteristics on others and stay in a victim mindset. Or you can own up to the faults you know you have and try to change them.
- You are responsible for your life. No one else is. Complaining here is fine if that's all you do, but if you complain in real life, it may make you feel better for a while, but overall it solves nothing. It creates negative energy and is unattractive. Action solves stuff, not words.
I'll leave you with a quote I just got on my own thread from DnJ. You should go check his situation out in MLC if you want a good look at grace under pressure -
You still want to punish her. And you still expect her to act like a wife when she doesn’t want to.
I do want her to face karma. I think people who do bad things deserve it. The old testament was all about it. I know I'm not judge, jury and executioner. It still pisses me off how well she has it right now after all the pain she caused my family and I.
I dont expect her to act like a wife, however she acts like Im a husband. Dump all her worries and angers, tries telling me what to do, pouts when I dont give in, judges every breathe I take, complains to her friends that Im a bad partner, yet she has little human like quality towards me. She gets an H as a roomate, I get someone who wants to shank me. Exaggerated to make a point.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Her commuting to being the wife you want right now is off the table. Not an option. Erase it. You can leave and divorce and give her the consequences you want her to suffer. Or you can continue to live as roommates and parents, you do your thing, she does her thing .
What you want to have happen is off the table now so you have to play the hand you are dealt right now.
True, I keep forgetting this.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
And you totally have the millennial mentality. I’m going to whine about it until I get what I want.
It’s just not the way the world works! It is a cruel world out there.
The very reason why I want a fellow human to battle it with, and lead us through. The complaining I've realized worked on my mother to get what i wanted. Some self reflecting will be done tonight on this.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
It’s your choice to act like a husband. Her reactions to you not acting like one are on her. So you have the choice to act like a husband or not. She can act like you are her husband all she wants. How you respond to that is on you.
We can’t count on karma coming in the way you want. Karma may come in many years down the line in a way that doesn’t give you he retribution you want. You have to trust in the universe. And your desire to see her pay is really only affecting you, not her.
It’s a cruel world, yes. But you want who you want in the way you want by your side . But it’s someone who doesn’t want to be. So learn how to guide yourself through it. It’s not easy, but you can’t depend on someone else for it.
You really do have a sense of entitlement to things being just as you want them. I’m guessing you got what you wanted , when you wanted and how you wanted it growing up? It’s just not now how adulthood works. And heck, most childhoods. I understand this heartbreaking and life changing, but you can’t control every pickle to happen the way you want. You need a plan for yourself with what you have
This is true. This I dont see as a changeable trait, its hard coded personality. I live by rules and boundaries as lame as that sounds. I cant chalk it up to anxiety.
And this is why I think you need a new therapist. There's no such thing as hard coded personality.That's essentially saying people are entirely incapable of change or growth. I'm a rule follower too, but that has absolutely nothing to do with an enormous set of expectations based on soft science. I have a high enough IQ and EQ to understand the human variable and that there are no real rules with humans. At our core we are animals. Patterns may exist but at any point our higher thought process can go out the window. As such rules, patterns, what have you, don't apply. That's called nature. That's called life. People in crisis are not running on a higher thought process. They are functioning at toddler levels. Maybe, maybe school age children. Some techniques may work. Some might not. But in any case working with a person who isn't working with logic or on a higher thought plane is a grab bag. Hence the cheese-less tunnel idea. Hence the drop your expectations.
Originally Posted by Core
I'm going to try complaining about this one last time. How do you commit to vows, be unsupportive of your spouse while theyre facing their trauma, have an affair while you have a child 6m or younger, then blame the spouse for it all, ask for a D, then sit on your A and do absolutely nothing except be a victim and rude person for the next 10 months?
So you haven't been a victim or been rude to your W at all ever in the last 10 months? Ok, got it.
Originally Posted by Core
Compared to what many others have gone through, what W went through with me is a walk on the beach!
So because what you've done to breed resentment and set your relationship on a trajectory to crash isn't as bad as what other people are capable of doing so you aren't culpable at all? Ah I see.
Originally Posted by Core
By the time my parents were my age, my dad had been shot a few times, house broken in to, barely affording food. You know, real problems.
So W should have never had any resentment towards you, difficulty in the MR or problems with her own psyche because your dad had a rough life?
Originally Posted by Core
I still think if sandi2 followed me, she'd advise I've been too nice here and that W needs consequences for her actions.
You have been too nice. And you've been a jerk. You aren't offering consistency but react when your W doesn't respond with consistency. As I see it your W's EA is over. You two are in a stalemate of a strained MR what consequences do you think W deserves? D? Ok so then why are you still on the fence?
Originally Posted by Core
IW has no incentive to lift a finger and somehow she can just turn off her sex drive. Dried up like the Sahara. My resentment of her for all this builds daily as she strolls around like we were never married, like we arent currently married.
And when you don't let your anxiety drive the bus for 2 min all that starts to fall away and she tries, but then you want to eat meals alone. So I'm really confused here as to what the goal is. Do you know?
Originally Posted by Core
I think I'm still a victim of Nice Guy Syndrome here pretending to be a family
If you D'ed you will still have to be a family. And other people have told you that. Spending time as a family is not anti-DB and it's good for the kids to have parents who can tolerate each other long enough to have times where they are a family together.
Originally Posted by Core
allowing W to vent some problems to me,
So don't let her vent to you. I had to stop my H. A lot of us do. When I was fired, I was fired. Unless you want to vent about our tiny roommates who I also find exhausting, I can't help you. This may be a NGS thing. And if it's too much for you don't do it. But that's a two way street. If she can't vent to you, you can't vent to her either.
Originally Posted by Core
eating dinner and doing holidays together.
If the kids are involved in this this is not a NGS thing or a bad thing. This is good for the kids. If the kids aren't involved this is something you'll have to figure out how you'd like to handle based on what's emotionally safe for you, not this NGS theory of yours. These are normal family and household activities. I still see my ex in-laws for an hour or 2 at Xmas time when I bring my D over. When my ex is sober or not there it's nice. You don't stop being family when you get D'ed.
Originally Posted by Core
So whats going to happen is resentful nice guy will explode and file for D. Assertive or Dbag guy isnt allowed to punish and the days I find peace with the sitch, Im wondering if thats just rationalizing.
Uh you realize there isn't just too nice and d*ck. Like those aren't your only choices. And you keep saying you're going to get the D any way so I'm not sure what that has to do with NGS or you being a dbag.
Originally Posted by Core
I truly cant tell if things are getting a little better or I'm being used.
It's not like you're going to listen to me anyway so I don't know why I'm wasting my time, but....you will never get to a point where you know the difference if you a) can't detach enough to see your own sitch from a different angle b) can't understand and sit in your own emotions without collapsing into yourself, giving in to knee jerk reactions or flailing helplessly. As long as you maintain this trajectory where you know best you will never get to that point. Growth can't happen in a vacuum. Cheese-less tunnels apply to us as well. If it isn't working why do you keep thinking and doing things the same way over and over and over. The only way you can get to a point where you can understand her motive or intent is if you are in a clear space where what she says or does has no effect on you either way.
Originally Posted by Core
Now I get for some, they played family and its working well.The difference being to me that works well on a man however on a woman it'll just lower respect. I can tell she still looks down on me (and most of the world). I can see it in those vengeful, judgemental eyes. Looking in them I sense shes got a connection straight to the man below and seemingly has not an ounce of empathy for me, or any men in this world. Just all the women in her life which are oddly avoidant victims as well. I'm going to get flack for all this, I know its my perception. Sometimes the gut it right. My brother looked in her eyes after an episode one time and immediately said to me, now I understand. I was on her side but i can see what youre dealing with.
This entire rant says so much more about you than it does your W.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
He does an effective style which only 1 other counselor in town does. Im considering your advice here but I may ignore it.
I'm sure you will ignore it, echo chambers are very comfortable.
