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Dblake Offline OP
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Hi. Thanks for taking the time to check out this post.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years with two kids, 11 and 8. It’s been a good marriage but has been pretty stale over the last two years or so and more like roommates vs husband and wife. In January my wife hit a MLC mode and decided to go back to nursing school and started to blame me for everything and that I’m the problem. This became worse in March with fights and she kept saying “divorce” and then would take it back. Well, she filed in early May and then at the end of May had a breakdown and said she wanted to pause the divorce.

We had a 3 counseling sessions in April with a so/so counselor. Since the end of May, the tension and conflict is down and I’ve put in a lot of work- seeing my own counselor, reading a lot of books/posts and trying to be more supportive and loving.

Here’s my question - is it normal to feel like your giving 110% and getting back 10%? She won’t say she loves me, no intimacy, sleeping in separate bedrooms and so on. We are worse than roommates but she is getting full support to be in nursing school and I’m doing everything else.

I love her, but how long do you give and give until you want to run away?

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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Hi Dblake,

sorry you're here. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? There's a lot of good stuff there, and it is a lot to absorb. Your W second guessing is good. I would keep the pressure off of her, she's not ready to feel any pursuit, touch, dating, kissing, "Relationship talks". Definitely don't tell her how bad you want her back and have the big relationship talk. When and if she is ready, she will let you know.

Give her the time and space to sort this out while you guys be the best guy you can be. Make serious changes that you've been putting off, and do it for the purpose of making yourself a better guy and not just winning her back. Your W will be able to see right through any fake changes. Learn how to listen and validate without chipping in your 2 cents.

Quote
Here’s my question - is it normal to feel like your giving 110% and getting back 10%?

2 part answer:

1. Yes
2. Feelings are just a thing you make up inside your head.

A personal rant: the phrase "I feel like" is insanely overused and I don't know when it got so popular.

Quote
We are worse than roommates but she is getting full support to be in nursing school and I’m doing everything else.

You're paying all the bills and she isn't currently contributing right? That's part of marriage IMO, and if you're going to try to bust this divorce you'll have to live with this arrangement.

Quote
I love her, but how long do you give and give until you want to run away?
That's up to you, so what do you think?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by Dblake
Hi. Thanks for taking the time to check out this post.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years with two kids, 11 and 8. It’s been a good marriage but has been pretty stale over the last two years or so and more like roommates vs husband and wife. In January my wife hit a MLC mode and decided to go back to nursing school and started to blame me for everything and that I’m the problem. This became worse in March with fights and she kept saying “divorce” and then would take it back. Well, she filed in early May and then at the end of May had a breakdown and said she wanted to pause the divorce.

We had a 3 counseling sessions in April with a so/so counselor. Since the end of May, the tension and conflict is down and I’ve put in a lot of work- seeing my own counselor, reading a lot of books/posts and trying to be more supportive and loving.

Here’s my question - is it normal to feel like your giving 110% and getting back 10%? She won’t say she loves me, no intimacy, sleeping in separate bedrooms and so on. We are worse than roommates but she is getting full support to be in nursing school and I’m doing everything else.

I love her, but how long do you give and give until you want to run away?


Welcome Dblake, and sorry you are going through this. I know the pain and anguish and sleepless nights you have experienced through all of this. These situations stink, and are difficult to go through. Please keep posting and giving us more details. I am sure there are is a lot you haven't shared yet.

First of all, I think there is some good signs in your sitch. The fact that she paused the D shows that she isn't completely sure that she wants a D. But be careful with MC because often that is just a WAS agreeing to go in order to later say that they tried everything. Also, if you do continue MC do not settle for a so-so counselor. You wouldn't keep going to a restaurant with bad service, so don't settle for a counselor that isn't working for you either.

As far as your question goes, what you really need to do is temper your expectations. We all struggled with this as LBSs. We thought if we became Super Spouse that it would magically turn our WAS around. It doesn't. You are giving 110% with an EXPECTATION that she will give more too. That will kill you every time in DBing. NO EXPECTATIONS. Also, you should be asking if you should even be giving 110% right now. At least 110% as her H. She is in the process of firing you as her H, and your natural reaction is to turnaround and be Super Husband. That has rarely, if ever, resulted in reconciliation.

So what you should be doing is concentrating on you. Go out and GAL and recapture that guy she initially fell in love with. Absolutely work on yourself with 180s for self-improvement. If you were a bitter, angry jerk, certainly stop that and become an attentive, present person when around her. But in keeping with GAL don't be spending every waking minute with her. And then study and learn what detachment is, and start working towards that. (Hint: It isn't ignoring her!) You want to get to a place where you can remain emotionally even no matter what she says or does.

But you do all of that with ZERO, NONE, NADA expectations. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. When you DB hoping it will turn her around it causes her to get the feeling you are just changing to save the marriage. And that will make her think that once she is fully committed back that you will revert back to your old ways. So change.....FOR YOU.

So in short, don't give 110% because you are expecting anything from her, give 110% for yourself!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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I agree with Steve: I think there is some good signs in your sitch. That being said, you have to put in a lot of work to bust the Divorce. The good thing is you have a team of people here that can help you. Time is your friend, but do not waste it. Get busy making positive changes to your behaviors.

Do not pursue your wife. Your ultimate goal is to have her pursuing you. She needs to see a confident man that commands respect from others. Your job is to lead your family through this most difficult time.

#1) Do not argue with her anymore. Listen to understand.

#2) Do not make any snap decisions. "I am not sure. I will let you know when I decide" goes along way. Learn to use statements like this. Get feedback from us and make logical decisions. Never emotional decisions.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Dblake Offline OP
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Thank you all for the feedback. I'm taking away some positive actions:
- learn more - get the book
- Being a super spouse isn't going to work!
- Temper my expectations
- Think & listen more and don't react
- Change for myself

Here's some more details and would love feedback and ideas....

The divorce is on "hold" with the court - she filed a motion to pause. We came to this after she had an uncontrollable break down when my lawyer started pushing on a 7/7 with the kids - this is 7 days with one and 7 with the other, along with us not living together anymore. She started to second guess if this was the right thing to be doing. I stood firm on the idea that our marriage is about "us" and not the package around it - including the kids. We need to be strong, loving, committed and so on or I feel nothing else will follow. I sense she is more about the package and less about me - it appears she likes the fact that she can now be in school 100% while I basically live like I singe dad. This is why I think it's worse than roommates - she is a roommate and I take care of literally everything.

The positive is that since this decision, anxiety and conflict are way down. Prior to this blow up, we would always say "I love you", have intimacy (sort of - every 2 weeks) and communicate more (like calls after work and so on).

I'm stuck on awareness - I know that I am not perfect and need to be the best I can. We both have many things to work on that will make each other feel loved and satisfied but as I learn more and reflect, I'm questioning if this is even possible. For example, for those that know the 5 languages of Love, my top is "quality time" and this is lost. Can this return? I have also stopped saying nice things and need to pick this up - when I do, will it reciprocate? I believe love is two way street in a marriage but what does one do if it's always a one-way street?

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Take time to read all the quotes I have gathered:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712

I will respond to your last post in the next post.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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During this time you can't really have any expectations. That includes reciprocal love. If you want to work it out you are going to have to work through the situation without expecting anything. It is hard, some days very hard. It is a lot of the time unfair. That doesn't mean that in the future those things can't happen, just you are not in that place right now. There are plenty of success stories from people on the other side of this.

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Originally Posted by Dblake
Thank you all for the feedback. I'm taking away some positive actions:
- learn more - get the book
- Being a super spouse isn't going to work!
- Temper my expectations
- Think & listen more and don't react
- Change for myself

Thank you for listing out what you are taking away. Keep it up. Most posters do not give us feedback, and the feedback helps a lot.

This is very similar to what you need to do with W (and your kids). You validate the way she FEELS. Your goal is to understand how she is emotionally and communicate back to her. Read the validation thread many times until it becomes your new way of communicating.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566



Originally Posted by Dblake
...my lawyer started pushing on a 7/7 with the kids - this is 7 days with one and 7 with the other
First time I have seen this proposal for parenting time. Every parenting arrangement I have seen keeps the siblings together. Do you believe this would be best for your kids?

Originally Posted by Dblake
... along with us not living together anymore..... I stood firm on the idea that our marriage is about "us" and not the package around it - including the kids. We need to be strong, loving, committed and so on or I feel nothing else will follow.
This is good.

Originally Posted by Dblake
She started to second guess if this was the right thing to be doing.... I sense she is more about the package and less about me - it appears she likes the fact that she can now be in school 100% while I basically live like I singe dad. This is why I think it's worse than roommates - she is a roommate and I take care of literally everything.
Right now you are plan B. You are letting her lead. She needs to FEEL that she has lost you as planB. You need to lead her through this process. I am really simplifying a very complex thing that needs to happen. You can clarify your understanding of this as you move forward.

Originally Posted by Dblake
I'm questioning if this is even possible.
Yes.

persevere- continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.
Be extremely patient.

Originally Posted by Dblake
- when I do, will it reciprocate?
Most likely not for some period of time. The key is not do things without expectations of a desired response. You do it because it is the right thing to do.


Steve85 talks about covert-contracts. Hopefully he can elaborate on this with for you.

Originally Posted by Dblake
I believe love is two way street in a marriage but what does one do if it's always a one-way street?
You control you. Let her control her.


You need to redefine your measuring stick. It is not about how she responds, but rather, how you behaved and did you do it in a way that you wanted to?


For example, you give yourself a point for not arguing with her, rather than giving her a point for saying ILY2. Understand?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Dblake
...my lawyer started pushing on a 7/7 with the kids - this is 7 days with one and 7 with the other
First time I have seen this proposal for parenting time. Every parenting arrangement I have seen keeps the siblings together. Do you believe this would be best for your kids?[/quote]

Perhaps Dblake means 7 days with one parent? Not splitting the kids up but each parent taking a weekly turn to have them.

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