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kml Offline
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Yes - can you imagine being in a relationship with someone you cheated with? You would always be looking over your shulder, wondering when they are going to cheat on YOU.

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scout12 Offline OP
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Not much is happening with me lately. I am very grateful for that. S2 and I have a wonderful routine and the days are speeding past at a frightening rate. I haven’t had to set an alarm to wake up for quite a while. I wake up whenever S2 does, take him to daycare, work in my home office for eight hours, go back to daycare to pick him up. He picks me flowers on the ten-minute walk home. We eat, read, and play together. It’s a quiet, content, peaceful life.

X has had divorce papers for a month now without response. It’s been six months since I agreed to increase his parenting time without response. I’m planning a divorce/birthday party for the end of the month even though the divorce won’t be final by then. Our restrictions are very relaxed here so I’ve invited around 20-30 people. It’ll be nice to have friends and kids around for a winter’s evening around the fire. I will be the ripe old age of 32 smile

S2 continues to give me glimpses into X’s life. X sent an unusually nice response to a text message informing him S2 was unwell. S2 apparently hasn’t seen OW for the last four or five visits - she has been “at work” or “in the garage” or “on the computer”. Hmm. Yesterday S2 said Dad took him to the shops and bought a brand new TV. So he’s still buying shiny new toys with the settlement money after two motorbikes and a jetski. Still running.


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kml Offline
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Not your circus, not your monkeys thank goodness.

I hope OW returns as she probably provides a measure of safety for your son.

Most WASs are lousy at getting their paperwork done - it's not the zipless divorce they expected where everything falls into place with zero effort on their part. I hope he doesn't hold it up too long and that your financial settlement is not affected by the delay in any way? I never understood letting the finances be settled before the divorce, it removes the motivation for some people to finish it.

Aren't you glad not to be at the whim of your ex's financial irresponsibility any more? You have a good head on your shoulders and will much better off financially in the long run, I'm sure.

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scout12 Offline OP
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The financial settlement won’t be affected, thankfully. It was court-ordered and legally binding and separate to the divorce order. It was in my best interest to get that done sooner to sever any ties to his financial irresponsibility. He was in a big rush to get the $$$ (although did nothing to legally obtain it and ended up taking five months to sign those papers). He’s always been a procrastinator so this is just more of the same, I think.

The Application for Divorce is very simple in comparison to financial Consent Orders. Basically just key relationship dates and proof than any children of the marriage will be supported. He doesn’t have to provide any new information, just review and sign it. So yes, hopefully soon. I am filing jointly so as to not appear in court. If X refuses to sign, I can file a sole application that doesn’t require him to sign anything, and the court will grant the divorce as we have been separated 12 months, which satisfies the ‘legal proof the marriage is irretrievably broken’ requirement.

I’ve just done my taxes and will be getting a significant return this year - about 6 times what I usually get. I’ve been very lucky with my finances this year (aside from paying out X in the settlement, or perhaps because of it...) smile


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kml Offline
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You will continue to be "lucky" because you will be in charge of where your money goes and you aren't driven by trying to fill a giant hole in yourself with expensive stuff the way he is. You'll do just fine I bet.

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I hope so.

We engaged a builder to install a pergola shortly before X left. Or rather I did the legwork to contact him, get drawings and quotes, arrange certificates and building approvals, while X seemed happy enough to go along with it. The guy we hired turned out to be a bit dodgy and the job itself took forever and was a bit sloppy. Not unsound, but not perfect. It's complete now and given that it's on my property, I'm happy with it. It created a shady tiled patio area with built-in lighting for evening ambience. It really is very nice.

During his anger spewing phase, X brought this project up a disproportionate number of times. He rewrote history saying he never wanted to build it in the first place, he hated the builder I chose, I forced him into agreeing to spend money on the project, and that it had dragged down the value of the house. Although later, when negotiating the settlement, he claimed that the value of the house had INCREASED by $100k based on the pergola and landscaping projects we had done. Of course, a higher property value would have been in his favour wink

He seemed incredibly triggered by the poor workmanship. He couldn't accept that things sometimes go wrong with building projects and that fixes are par for the course. It's almost like he thought the quality of the build was a reflection of him. I believe now that it conflicted with his worldview that he is better, smarter, and more accomplished than everyone else. It also confirmed in his eyes that I am simultaneously incapable (because I hired a dodgy builder) and controlling (because the project was my idea).

On the topic of finances. He insisted we follow the FIRE money management philosophy to save while I was on maternity leave. I was given a small weekly allowance. If we went out to eat, it came out of my allowance. If I spent my allowance, I could not spend more. If I spent more anyway, it was curtailed the following month. He put himself on the same plan, but there were always exceptions. Long weekend camping trips with the boys. $1000 on 'the world's best' set of stainless steel pots and pans. An $800 custom-made suit for his friends wedding. Meanwhile I had to repay $800 from my personal account back into the family account for a family photoshoot with S2.

He would never agree to replace the tiny secondhand dining table we inherited from his parents despite it being the number one thing I wanted when we moved into our brand new house five years ago. That dining table represented the heart of the home and the family I wanted to create. It was of zero importance to X. When he moved out and took that cr@ppy little glass table with its ugly blue vinyl chairs, my lovely new custom timber dining table wasn't yet ready for collection. I asked him to leave the table with me for a couple of weeks so that S2 could have somewhere to eat his meals. He said it wasn't his problem.

He spent $2k on his 'dream wheels' for his car which I had no problem with. Then, just months later, he found his 'no, no, seriously this time, actual dream wheels' and wanted to spend $4k on them. He raged and sulked in a very unattractive manner when I said I wasn't comfortable with spending that amount of money, from the family account, while I was on minimum maternity leave wage, when he had just purchased new wheels. You would have thought I was Hitler by the reaction I got.

Meanwhile I was using a literal grocery bag as a handbag when I went back to work because I couldn't afford a new one. I was unable to spend money on new clothes to suit my postnatal body, makeup to hide my tired eyes, hairdressers to fix the weird new hair growth that happens after giving birth (seriously, what is up with that?) and X had the nerve to say I hadn't bothered to take care of myself and that he had too much disgust and contempt for me to stay married. God, what a duck he is (thanks Cardinal!).

To be honest, I still struggle with the effects of his financial abuse. I find it incredibly difficult to allow myself to spend money on things that are just for me. I needed to buy a new bedroom setting so I can move my current seven-year old IKEA cheapie set into the spare room. Even though I needed it and got an amazing deal in the EOFY sales, I still felt guilty enough to call my mother and ask permission to spend my own money. She reassured me that it was okay and I bought it. But there's always fear/guilt around making purchases like that.

This turned into a bit of a rant down memory lane! Honestly, it's pretty telling that despite buying him out of the house, spending over $10k on lawyer fees, paying the mortgage and bills on my own, and refurnishing the house, I've SAVED money this year.


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kml Offline
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Clearly he didn’t understand what FIRE is all about!!! Or more likely, he just used it as leverage to punish you for not bringing in your usual income during maternity leave.

Enjoy your pergola. Enjoy your dining table. Read Your Money or Your Life - it’s not about grinding frugality, but about being conscious about your financial choices and the trade offs therein. Spend your money on the things that have most value to you, and save on the things that don’t.


I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes - I buy cute things from a discount store but have never paid more than $40 for a handbag. Designer names mean nothing to me. But I love to travel, and make that a priority. Somebody else might make different choices.

My ex made twice what I did even after accounting for alimony - and he’s remarried to a woman with a good income too. Yet he claims he’s too poor to help our adult children - truth is he’s simply too selfish. Aiding our children is not a priority for him, but it is for me. I pay for a much bigger home than I would need for myself and give up travel to help them get established.

Keep building your savings so that you have 6 months of 12 months living expenses - as a single parent, you’ll sleep well at night once you do. But don’t live a life that feels like deprivation either. Figure out what matters most to you. I’ve never driven a luxury car - I tend to buy a new, base model Honda or Toyota and drive it into the ground. But I’ve been to 15 countries and all over the US. My plain car doesn’t feel like deprivation because I know I have traded it for exciting travel. Others might choose the fancy car and not miss the travel. Awareness of the choices you are making is key. Most people just mindlessly spend on things the television tells them to buy.

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Good Morning scout

Originally Posted by scout12
It’ll be nice to have friends and kids around for a winter’s evening around the fire. I will be the ripe old age of 32 smile

Having 20-30 people over to celebrate sounds wonderful. I hope, at the ripe old age of 32, you can remain awake long enough into the evening to enjoy it. LOL.

scout, I’m sure you are far enough down the path to recognize just what an incredible opportunity and journey you were derailed onto. You really are doing great.

I nodded in agreement as I read how fast times is flying by for you. It’s such a swing from those days/minutes that just dragged after BD.

You and S2 enjoying your daily walks, flower picking, and playing; he is a very lucky boy.

I agree with kml about finances. It’s not frugality, it’s making good conscious choices and seeing and understanding the benefits and consequences of those. And it’s ok to “ask” your Mom about spending your own money. I know it’s more “talking” to another adult to get perspective and weigh options. That shows a great deal of foresight; you do have son and you to plan for.

Figure out what matter most to you. Then invest into it. Invest your resources - time, intellect, emotions, soul, money, etc. Invest not spend. A way of looking at things.

Financially you are considering your discretionary expenses. Non-discretionary expenses, rent, mortgage, electricity, etc. are just that non-discretionary and need to be paid.

I also maintained my cars so a I could drive them well past a decade. The driving them into the ground idea. My old Prius has 470,000 on it and S21 is happily and safely bombing around in luxury.

I am also not one that looks to brand names. I look to quality. It’s the investing mindset. Quality lasts longer. Save a bit longer and invest not spend. That philosophy, not surprisingly, has a much better payback when considering the non-financial part of our lives.

One of the best investments I ever made was to pay off my mortgage early. I knocked 19 years off my mortgage. Yes, the financial implications of saving mortgage payments over 19 years is staggering. However, it was the stability of life that drove it. Definitely not mindless purchases on what the TV says. smile

At 31, oh so close to 32, you have (what you’ve heard here a lot) the gift of time. Just imagine where you will be at 52.

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Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Big second on paying the mortgage off early. When I bought my post-divorce house it was my goal to pay it off early. I'm not where I'd like to be (in large part because of the unexpected kid expenses my ex has stuck me with) but still, I only owe less than 1/3 of the current value of the house, which is a comfortable position to be in. You're young enough that you could start adding a little bit to your mortgage payment.

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I have been putting extra repayments on the mortgage as well as into savings. I have a meeting with my financial advisor next week to start talking about investment possibilities. Definitely thinking about long-term plans. My priorities are:

1. Financial security
2. Enriching S2’s life
3. Investing in S2’s future
4. Enriching my own life
5. Investing in a comfortable living space

After a discussion with my lawyer yesterday, we are proceeding with the sole application for divorce. X will be served the papers in person informing him that I have filed and there will be a hearing on x date. He can either sign on the spot to acknowledge receipt, or refuse to do so. In that case, the process server will sign an affidavit proving delivery of the papers, and we’ll proceed with the hearing regardless. There’s no reason why the divorce wouldn’t be granted, from what I understand. Thirty days after the judgement, I will finally be divorced. My lawyer said it will be done over Zoom so it should be pretty straightforward. I hope.

It’s like pulling teeth, but the end is in sight. Soon he won’t be my ex, just my kid’s dad. I know technically he is my ex, but the distinction feels important to me. I don’t want him to be ‘my anything’.

S2 said he went to OW’s parents farm on the weekend. I admit to wondering how her parents feel about their 21 year old daughter dating a 29 year old separated man with a 2 year old son. My mum said she would have looked askance if any of her daughters had been involved in such a situation at that age. I’m absolutely certain the question of an affair runs through older and wiser minds in most of these situations.

I’m going on a date with another new man this weekend. He is also a LBS with a D2 and we have heaps in common. The thing I like the most is that he has so far demonstrated a complete lack of entitlement. What’s the opposite of entitlement - consideration? For instance, I told him I liked xyz and he replied that he hoped it wasn’t a dealbreaker for me that he wasn’t into xyz. Whereas other men I’ve talked to, and X for that matter, would have said it was a dealbreaker for them that I was into xyz.

I’ve talked to dozens of men in the past year and this man makes me feel safe. I read a dating theory that feeling ‘sparks’ is just your nervous system’s flight or fight response to perceived or subconscious danger - in dating, that would be negging, lying, avoidance, and other behavioural red flags. There have been no red flags in our conversations so far. So we shall see what happens when we meet in person.


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