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KC, I know it's hard, but you really need to let the party thing go. You also need to let go of feeling like you need to mirror his actions towards you. It's odd that you keep saying you only texted him because he texted you - you texted him because you wanted to, and you also apparently haven't kept the notifications from him silent if you heard it. I know it can be easy to come here and try to talk yourself into believing what you know you should do, and there's no harm in being honest with yourself (privately or here). He isn't some rubix cube or puzzle to figure out - there isn't some magic combination of behaviors related to you that is going to make him change his mind right this moment. You spend so much time dissecting everything - even when you say you aren't. Sure sometimes that means you aren't in a bad headspace necessarily, but you're still wasting resources on him that are better used on yourself.

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Originally Posted by SamCal
KC, I know it's hard, but you really need to let the party thing go. You also need to let go of feeling like you need to mirror his actions towards you. It's odd that you keep saying you only texted him because he texted you - you texted him because you wanted to, and you also apparently haven't kept the notifications from him silent if you heard it. I know it can be easy to come here and try to talk yourself into believing what you know you should do, and there's no harm in being honest with yourself (privately or here). He isn't some rubix cube or puzzle to figure out - there isn't some magic combination of behaviors related to you that is going to make him change his mind right this moment. You spend so much time dissecting everything - even when you say you aren't. Sure sometimes that means you aren't in a bad headspace necessarily, but you're still wasting resources on him that are better used on yourself.



I did change H texts from Unmuted. Muting them helped tremendously when I would panic if a text notification popped up... was it him. At the time I was getting several texts and some left me spinning.

Now I rarely get a text and when I do it doesn't really trigger me as before. I started using a note app on my phone and it helped a lot with the anxiety. I unmute his texts. Overall things have calmed down. He hasn't sent an angry text in over 2 months.

Whether H goes to party is up to him. I have no plans to mention it again.

I'm not mirroring every move my H does. I made a choice to acknowledge and I made sure that my acknowledgement did not exceed his... keeping level.

I really appreciate your input.

I've also read your thread and there were many times you chose to do what you felt was best and not necessarily DB. This for me was one of those choices. I had zero expectations... and have remained neutral. I sat with my feelings over it for some time.

While I have done a lot of.actions that I would now choose to do differently... I have seriously texted dumb things unnecessarily... often time just to see if he would text me back... how lame of me.

But I do not regret this particular text at all.

I'm still a work in progress. Today was a fantastic day for me... my emotional state has been extremely steady today... so much so that male bff who lives far away messaged me today wanting to know was I really ok... I was so at.peace today he could sense a strong change in me... a vibe that was sooo different... and I take that as a win!!!!

Idk... tomorrow is a another day... will this neutral vibe continue??? I hope so but I also expect I still have some hard days ahead too.

Last edited by KitCat; 06/23/20 03:36 AM.
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KK,

So in general you sending the Father’s Day text would be ok if you were moving on. Since I suspect you are still hoping for reconciliation then this sets the clock back to zero for you. You are trying to get to a place to where he’s wondering about you. Hmmmmm today is Father’s Day and I got nothing from KK. I wonder what she’s doing?

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Originally Posted by KitCat


I did change H texts from Unmuted.


I do not think you were ready for this. Did you do this out of a place of strength, or weakness? Did you do it out of courage or of fear?


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat


I did change H texts from Unmuted.


I do not think you were ready for this. Did you do this out of a place of strength, or weakness? Did you do it out of courage or of fear?



I did it out of strength.... Fear was not a factor at all -- fear of what??? Missing out??? Aren't I already there??? Courage??? I'm not sure I would use that to apply to anything I've been doing.

It boiled down to 2 things 1) It was getting difficult to text someone without bringing up the text menu... so even if his text was muted I would still see it at the top of the text menu AND 2) with H having 98% of his stuff there is NO reason to text and he hasn't been. Because he no longer texts, when I do get a text notification the last thing I assume is its from him. So I'm no longer panicking "why is he texting? blah blah blah". There have been NO angry texts in 2 months and those were the ones that made me spin the most.

I will admit my 4hr drive home on Sunday - yes he was on my mind alot. But, yesterday I have just a complete peace... really and truly.

I will have to see him tomorrow morning. I will have his stuff together. I plan on letting him and allowing him to get what he feels he needs but I will be busy doing other things. I will not look to engage him in anything. If he feels that he needs to speak with me he can come to me. I will listen what he feels he needs to say but I will not be adding anything to the conversation. I'm not trying to mind read but I am prepping myself that he will most likely bring up my atty and legal stuff since its been 6weeks.

No one feels that he will ever come back and want to work on the M. I'm at a place where I know this is the truth... but I will always have hope because I'm the optimist.

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I'm not understanding why all that meant you couldn't keep his texts muted, but whatever.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
I'm not understanding why all that meant you couldn't keep his texts muted, but whatever.


It was more work to avoid the texting app when I needed to text other people...

But, if I'm not spinning because I see a text pop up any longer... is it necessary to keep it muted?

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Originally Posted by KitCat
No one feels that he will ever come back and want to work on the M. I'm at a place where I know this is the truth... but I will always have hope because I'm the optimist.

I think there is a good chance he will some day. Just not on your timeline.

My friends parents got back together after 35 years apart and they hated each other.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
What I'm saying is that I don't know if I would get over his choice to not be there. There is no need for me to go into it here but I was always there for him and his children in ways I never should have to have been. His XW did some really crazy stuff to me personally, to my H and to his kids. He knows, his family knows and even when he BD me the first thing out of his mouth was the very fact of how vital for him with his kids when we were together (I will not go into it here but it was a very horrible situation for my H)


This is just perplexing to me. Your H fired you and shacked up with another woman. That's not a deal-killer for you, but if he doesn't attend his step-son's graduation then that is a deal-killer? I mean I'm not excusing his lack of interest in attending, I've already been clear on my thoughts on that and his selfishness. But why are you randomly drawing a line in the sand over it? I mean if that's a deal-killer then you should really just be done and move on because he's done far worse already.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by Steve85
I'm not understanding why all that meant you couldn't keep his texts muted, but whatever.


It was more work to avoid the texting app when I needed to text other people...

But, if I'm not spinning because I see a text pop up any longer... is it necessary to keep it muted?


When you're not even close to being detached? Yes.

KC, your denial is intense.


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