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Hope you had a nice trip! I've never heard of "yarn shopping" before but hey, why not grin


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Hope you had a nice trip! I've never heard of "yarn shopping" before but hey, why not grin


The road trip overall was great! It was good to just have plans and to not be at home. "Yarn Shopping" was success. If you want high end Peruvian alpaca to make a garment that will last a lifetime you have to get to specialty stores. I bought enough yarn to make 2 sweaters - 1 for winter and a lighter one with linen for summer.

Spent some time actually knitting - currently doing a heavily cabled thigh high socks for someone and its been a challenge but they are gorgeous!

Really sat with a lot of my feelings. Started accepting that while H shows being nice/kinder which makes my brain thinks there a chance, UGH, but really there have been zero moves to show any vacillation from his current path.

As I sat with my feelings I realized that I would not be very forgiving if H blew off S18's party. H knows how unreliable his father has been over the years and H ultimately had more influence over him than anything. H doesn't want to go because he feels it would be awkward, but seeing how his own mother and nephews will be there and possibly his son and gf I think there would be lots of opportunity to avoid my family and still stay for at least 30-40mn.

BUT, its completely 100% up to him. I will not ask again. I will not apply any pressure but I'm certain I would be done with him. Its one thing to hurt me but its completely another to hurt S18. This is a once in a lifetime celebration achievement that even if H came back I would be resentful and would have trouble making peace that he did not attend. (By being done with him... I would walk but still would do nothing to help him with HIS D.)

I also sat and reflected on the fact that I had ignored his Bday but 6 days later he wished me Happy Bday in a text. He also made sure to text S18 that the next day was Mother's Day and on Mother's Day he simply texted Happy Mother's Day ( I did not reply.) If I'm so willing to mentally draw a line in the sand over H not coming to party to be the end all, then I should really mirror his efforts (but nothing MORE.)

I texted "Happy Father's Day" @9:30pm at night. - I put the phone on the nightstand and rolled over to go to sleep.

I only texted because I was 100% certain I knew how he would respond. I knew he would immediately respond with - thank you. I knew that there would be nothing more. He knew I was out of town all weekend and I knew he would not ask a single question - such as how was your weekend, etc. Because i knew this to be how it would go down and I accepted it meant nothing more than social niceties I texted. I was tempted to send this old funny 3sec video of all the kids, BUT I did not because that would not be mirroring his effort but instead doing more.

2min later my phone dinged for a text message. I 100% knew it was H and as I said I already knew what it would say. I never bothered to roll over to pick up the phone. It just really didn't matter to me what the text said period. I went to sleep.

I didn't even bother to look at the phone until I was already up for awhile and getting ready to head out the door. Yup, text from H saying "thank you". Shoulder shrug and out the door.

I was pretty ambivalent to all of this. I completely understand now that H reaching out with Happy Birthday/Mother's Day AND his response to Happy Father's Day ALL come from a place of compassion AND not a place of attraction. And only when things come from a place of attraction do they mean anything. I accept this and for that reason don't feel that this set me back at all. I am continuing radio silence unless something important warrants it.


Other than that I'm planning my next trip in September which needs to have a PLAN A and a PLAN B because up in the air if the ports will even be open at that time.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
The road trip overall was great! It was good to just have plans and to not be at home. "Yarn Shopping" was success. If you want high end Peruvian alpaca to make a garment that will last a lifetime you have to get to specialty stores. I bought enough yarn to make 2 sweaters - 1 for winter and a lighter one with linen for summer.

I am glad you had a good time this weekend!
Originally Posted by KitCat
Really sat with a lot of my feelings. Started accepting that while H shows being nice/kinder which makes my brain thinks there a chance, UGH, but really there have been zero moves to show any vacillation from his current path.

So it sounds like logically you understand but then the following sequence of events happen below.
Originally Posted by KitCat
As I sat with my feelings I realized that I would not be very forgiving if H blew off S18's party. H knows how unreliable his father has been over the years and H ultimately had more influence over him than anything. H doesn't want to go because he feels it would be awkward, but seeing how his own mother and nephews will be there and possibly his son and gf I think there would be lots of opportunity to avoid my family and still stay for at least 30-40mn.

So you have been with back to back man who have been $hitty father figures. This is something you should be exploring with IC. Why you pick crappy men.
Originally Posted by KitCat
BUT, its completely 100% up to him. I will not ask again.

I bet you lunch you ask again.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I will not apply any pressure but I'm certain I would be done with him.

Ok. We shall see about that.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I also sat and reflected on the fact that I had ignored his Bday but 6 days later he wished me Happy Bday in a text. He also made sure to text S18 that the next day was Mother's Day and on Mother's Day he simply texted Happy Mother's Day ( I did not reply.) If I'm so willing to mentally draw a line in the sand over H not coming to party to be the end all, then I should really mirror his efforts (but nothing MORE.)

And here we go!
Originally Posted by KitCat
I texted "Happy Father's Day" @9:30pm at night. - I put the phone on the nightstand and rolled over to go to sleep.

How did you sleep afterwards?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I only texted because I was 100% certain I knew how he would respond.

Actually very predictable
Originally Posted by KitCat
I knew he would immediately respond with - thank you. I knew that there would be nothing more. He knew I was out of town all weekend and I knew he would not ask a single question - such as how was your weekend, etc. Because i knew this to be how it would go down and I accepted it meant nothing more than social niceties I texted. I was tempted to send this old funny 3sec video of all the kids, BUT I did not because that would not be mirroring his effort but instead doing more.

100% guaranteed you never get the response you are looking for when you send a desperate text
Originally Posted by KitCat
I didn't even bother to look at the phone until I was already up for awhile and getting ready to head out the door. Yup, text from H saying "thank you". Shoulder shrug and out the door.

I am sorry you didn't get the respose you wanted.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I was pretty ambivalent to all of this. I completely understand now that H reaching out with Happy Birthday/Mother's Day AND his response to Happy Father's Day ALL come from a place of compassion AND not a place of attraction. And only when things come from a place of attraction do they mean anything. I accept this and for that reason don't feel that this set me back at all. I am continuing radio silence unless something important warrants it.

KK. You need IC really bad. You are spinning out of control and unfortunately it is going to get worse before it gets better. Denial is the easiest of the stages of grief.

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Originally Posted by KitCat
[ If you want high end Peruvian alpaca to make a garment that will last a lifetime you have to get to specialty stores. I bought enough yarn to make 2 sweaters - 1 for winter and a lighter one with linen for summer.


That's awesome! I've dabbled in a lot of stuff, these days I mostly sculpt fired ceramics but I've painted, built cars and motorcycles, built models and dioramas, designed, built and flown R/C planes, and yes I've even sewed and knitted. Those last two I did just enough to know I DO NOT have the patience for it, LOL! But I did it enough to have undying respect for those that can stick it out enough to make an entire blanket or garment grin

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Spent some time actually knitting - currently doing a heavily cabled thigh high socks for someone and its been a challenge but they are gorgeous!


Wish we could post pics here, would love to see your work!

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As I sat with my feelings I realized that I would not be very forgiving if H blew off S18's party.


Why let that get to you. He's already a deadbeat husband, does it really shock you that he's probably a deadbeat step-dad too?

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H doesn't want to go because he feels it would be awkward, but seeing how his own mother and nephews will be there and possibly his son and gf I think there would be lots of opportunity to avoid my family and still stay for at least 30-40mn.


Here's the thing- he is 100% completely selfish. He probably wasn't before, but he is now. Everything is all about him and filling HIS needs and HIS desires. The wants and needs of others do not factor into his thinking right now. And it will be this way for a while. So when we say have no expectations, it means just that. Don't expect him to do husbandly things. Don't expect him to do fatherly things. Don't expect ANYTHING of him. You continue to expect him to do the honorable thing, and you are continually disappointed, right? His behavior has unfortunately been consistent since BD. You've got to accept that this uncaring a-hole is who he is now and drop those expectations!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by LH19

Originally Posted by KitCat
As I sat with my feelings I realized that I would not be very forgiving if H blew off S18's party. H knows how unreliable his father has been over the years and H ultimately had more influence over him than anything. H doesn't want to go because he feels it would be awkward, but seeing how his own mother and nephews will be there and possibly his son and gf I think there would be lots of opportunity to avoid my family and still stay for at least 30-40mn.

So you have been with back to back man who have been $hitty father figures. This is something you should be


I think that's pretty $hitty of you to make that asumption. I parted ways with S18's dad during pregnancy - he lived over 1000miles away at the time. Did make a move solely to be involved with his son but in the last several years for work had to move over 1000 miles away in the opposite direction. There are of course lots of other nuances that don't really belong in this forum.

And, then you assume that I split from S18's father and directly went to H????

Uh, no... So becareful of putting too many assumptions in my story when there is such limited information.

Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I also sat and reflected on the fact that I had ignored his Bday but 6 days later he wished me Happy Bday in a text. He also made sure to text S18 that the next day was Mother's Day and on Mother's Day he simply texted Happy Mother's Day ( I did not reply.) If I'm so willing to mentally draw a line in the sand over H not coming to party to be the end all, then I should really mirror his efforts (but nothing MORE.)

And here we go!
Originally Posted by KitCat
I texted "Happy Father's Day" @9:30pm at night. - I put the phone on the nightstand and rolled over to go to sleep.

How did you sleep afterwards?


I slept PERFECTLY!!!!


Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I knew he would immediately respond with - thank you. I knew that there would be nothing more. He knew I was out of town all weekend and I knew he would not ask a single question - such as how was your weekend, etc. Because i knew this to be how it would go down and I accepted it meant nothing more than social niceties I texted. I was tempted to send this old funny 3sec video of all the kids, BUT I did not because that would not be mirroring his effort but instead doing more.

100% guaranteed you never get the response you are looking for when you send a desperate text


???? I got the exact text I predicted I would get...

Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I didn't even bother to look at the phone until I was already up for awhile and getting ready to head out the door. Yup, text from H saying "thank you". Shoulder shrug and out the door.

I am sorry you didn't get the respose you wanted.


I had zero expections. Again - I got the exact text response I expected which is why I never bothered rolling over and looking at my phone until I was heading out the door. Before I fell asleep I heard my phone give a notification --- I could not be bothered to even look. Didn't care. Wasn't really interested. Didn't even check my phone period until i was out the door for work checking to be sure didn't have other business matters to address.

Quote
Originally Posted by KitCat
I was pretty ambivalent to all of this. I completely understand now that H reaching out with Happy Birthday/Mother's Day AND his response to Happy Father's Day ALL come from a place of compassion AND not a place of attraction. And only when things come from a place of attraction do they mean anything. I accept this and for that reason don't feel that this set me back at all. I am continuing radio silence unless something important warrants it.

KK. You need IC really bad. You are spinning out of control and unfortunately it is going to get worse before it gets better. Denial is the easiest of the stages of grief.


But, I'm not spinning. I was like "whatever"... it hasn't impacted my day. The point was I was trying to post that it didn't bother me --- his response either way didn't bother me and I predicted his response... and it doesn't bother me.

I went to work and I'm not going "oh my gosh he texted me immediately... that must mean something... or he texted me what does that mean?" I agree I've had those "panicked" moments oh dear lord he texted me... what does it mean???

Apparently, I did not get across very well that neither had expectations nor feel his response means anything. It did not send me spinning which why I discussed it --- because I did not have those same emotional storms that I have had previously. It is what it is and nothing more.

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KK,

Your son will be graduating HS and neither dads will be there. I think that speaks volumes but I am a very involved dad so maybe I am wrong.

Why did you send the Happy Father's Day text? Please be honest with me.

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander


Here's the thing- he is 100% completely selfish. He probably wasn't before, but he is now. Everything is all about him and filling HIS needs and HIS desires. The wants and needs of others do not factor into his thinking right now. And it will be this way for a while. So when we say have no expectations, it means just that. Don't expect him to do husbandly things. Don't expect him to do fatherly things. Don't expect ANYTHING of him. You continue to expect him to do the honorable thing, and you are continually disappointed, right? His behavior has unfortunately been consistent since BD. You've got to accept that this uncaring a-hole is who he is now and drop those expectations!



Well that's just it... I'm having NO expectations for what he does or does not. I had no plans to bring it up again. He has been informed. His invite will be in the mail he picks up.

What I'm saying is that I don't know if I would get over his choice to not be there. There is no need for me to go into it here but I was always there for him and his children in ways I never should have to have been. His XW did some really crazy stuff to me personally, to my H and to his kids. He knows, his family knows and even when he BD me the first thing out of his mouth was the very fact of how vital for him with his kids when we were together (I will not go into it here but it was a very horrible situation for my H)

I do see your point about where he is at with being selfish and how that affects what he sees as important/choices.

Keep in mind in the same sentence he states it would be awkward to come to the party he turns around and says he wants to move S18 into college... for me to let him know when that is.... (TRUST ME... I'm not asking H to help move S18 to college. I'm quite capable)

So what I'm saying is if H doesn't make the effort to be there even for 30min... and then 10mo down the road starts saying he wants to repair the M. I don't think I could look past that... because S18 carries enough hurt from the situation. Like I said hurt me... whatever... hurt my kid... you'll get whats coming to you.

Either way its TONS of speculation on my part and its too much energy wasted to worry. H is an adult. H will do what he wants or doesn't want to do. The party will be awesome either way.

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Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

Your son will be graduating HS and neither dads will be there. I think that speaks volumes but I am a very involved dad so maybe I am wrong.

Why did you send the Happy Father's Day text? Please be honest with me.


Well S18 dad just texted him last night that he will come. (I will not speculate why he first said he wouldn't come versus why he is coming now... not my circus... not my monkeys.)

But, again LH I caution you on making assumptions ---- which you have done not once but twice with this situation. I'm sure if you asked S18's father if he felt he was a very involved dad he would probably say YES, but IDK. There's a lot of dynamics at play in this situation and I gave up YEARS ago trying to understand. I just do me and let him do him.

Add in the fact that S18 dad lives in the state with the HIGHEST number of COVID deaths --- was that a factor in his decision??? Sad fact is I had friends who couldn't be there in the hospital for their family and funerals where no one could attend.

For the Father's Day text -- wasn't desperation. I would have been fine not sending it. WHY did I send???? For the reasons I outlined... He wished me Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day. If I feel I may not get over him NOT coming to the party for S18... then maybe he feels if I can't be cordial enough then that's the reason he doesn't come to the party???

So I just mirrored his regards --- AND, had no expectations. I didn't send some frilly meme or GIF. Just plain text just like he did AND just 3 words.

Had he not done the birthday or mother's day text I would have sent NOTHING.

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KK,

You know you are right I am making assumptions based on your postings which is just a microcosm of your life. $hiity dads is probably uncalled for and I apologize but your current husband is a $hitty person for what he is doing to you and I will not get off that point.

As for the text. I read in a book once that when you do something nice for someone who is treating you badly you are displaying low value. So I'm my sitch my ex has to continued to disrespect me and complicate my love so she gets nothing out of me other then what is needed in regarding kid coordination. I can't have people in my life that do not respect my feelings. It's a boundary. It goes for everyone else in my life too.

I know this isn't easy and I have a lot of compassion for you. I would really like to see you stop trying to fix this and start to move in the opposite direction.

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Originally Posted by LH19
KK,

You know you are right I am making assumptions based on your postings which is just a microcosm of your life. $hiity dads is probably uncalled for and I apologize but your current husband is a $hitty person for what he is doing to you and I will not get off that point.

As for the text. I read in a book once that when you do something nice for someone who is treating you badly you are displaying low value. So I'm my sitch my ex has to continued to disrespect me and complicate my love so she gets nothing out of me other then what is needed in regarding kid coordination. I can't have people in my life that do not respect my feelings. It's a boundary. It goes for everyone else in my life too.

I know this isn't easy and I have a lot of compassion for you. I would really like to see you stop trying to fix this and start to move in the opposite direction.


I agree 100% that I have at times texted unnecessary items to H ---- stupid things like "what about that motorbike ride today"... "are you busy". THOSE were completely not necessary and SCREAM that I am displaying LOW VALUE.

I accept that those slip ups were driven by my anxiety. I'm disappointed in myself that I have done those things - it is definite chasing, pleading, begging behavior.

I'm not in a bad headspace and I didn't lose a bit of sleep last night whether he chose to respond or not. I'm still a work in progress but when I weighed everything carefully, made sure I had zero expectations, and made sure to only mirror that which was done for me - I felt it kept things cordial. And, with that H may not avoid the party which is still 3 weeks away.

I'm also managing zero expectations around the party. There will be many people there and no reason that he will need to interact with me at all. That being said I will not avoid him if he chooses to speak to me.

I still have my moments (though last night was not one of them) but overall I know logically there is nothing for me to fix. I must keep walking in the opposite direction. I have things to work on and I'm really doing the hard work... sometimes I can only spend 10min here or 15there because it is painful. H isn't interested in my hard work at this time. If there is a time he wants to return to looking at the M then that is the time for me to tell him I'm sorry for my disrespectful behavior... until then I have to keep it to myself.

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