Joseph, glad to hear that things are going well. I am still leery that your new R isn't just a band-aid. My fear with LBSs that start dating so soon is that they do not do the work on themselves that they should. Moving from one codependent relationship to another really short-circuits the work they should be doing on themselves as an individual (GAL and recapturing the person you were that attracted your W in the first place, 180s and self-improvements, detachment and learning how to be happy by yourself). What they find is that they end up with the same dynamics that destroyed their marriage creeping into their new R over time.
Obviously, there are no absolutes in life so maybe you will beat the odds and this new R will not turn out toxic and will flourish into a long-term, mutually rewarding R. I hope that is the case.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joseph, glad to hear that things are going well. I am still leery that your new R isn't just a band-aid. My fear with LBSs that start dating so soon is that they do not do the work on themselves that they should. Moving from one codependent relationship to another really short-circuits the work they should be doing on themselves as an individual (GAL and recapturing the person you were that attracted your W in the first place, 180s and self-improvements, detachment and learning how to be happy by yourself). What they find is that they end up with the same dynamics that destroyed their marriage creeping into their new R over time.
Obviously, there are no absolutes in life so maybe you will beat the odds and this new R will not turn out toxic and will flourish into a long-term, mutually rewarding R. I hope that is the case.
I completely understand where you are coming from there and actually shared the same concerns at first.
For me personally, I won’t ever become dependent on anyone again. I don’t rely on her for my happiness. I haven’t and won’t stop doing things for me that make me happy. As an example, I got direct tv. When I signed up I got nfl Sunday ticket for free. I did it because I don’t live in the home market of me or my sons favorite team. We haven’t a missed watching a game together yet. It’s a small example, but one that would have never have happened a year ago. She knows I absolutely love riding my motorcycle, and she doesn’t complain about it. She doesn’t ask why I didn’t ride to her house or anything like that if I’m out. She has asked to go for a ride together, and of course I’ve taken her, but when I’m out because it’s my “therapy” for that moment, she lets me be.
She also encourages me to have contact with my brother. She’s come to find out I can be terrible at keeping in touch with people. And she knows how much my brother helped me get through this...well disaster. She makes sure I stop to talk to him at least once a week. Which is something that again..wouldn’t have happened.
She has been absolutely amazing. I won’t deny that. I can’t deny that. She doesn’t raise her voice at me. If she disagrees with me on something, she stays calm, listens to my side of whatever is going on. She takes time to try to understand where I am coming from even if she continues to disagree she always remains respectful. She’s never called me a name, never caught her lying. She doesn’t ask me to put her ahead of my kids, and when she knows me and the kids are doing something together as a family I flat out don’t hear from her until she hears from me. She knows I’m a dad first and always will be and she encourages it.
I don’t see her all the time, but at the same time we do make sure to see each other when we can. As an example, this morning on her way to work she brought me a coffee and we set outside for 15 mins and just chatted til she left. It’s the little and simple things like that, well I’ve never experienced anyone doing anything like that for me before.
She’s just a different type of person that what my previous relationship was.
I guess what I am trying to say is, she makes me happy, but she isn’t my happiness and she doesn’t define me. We have a very nice relationship, but our relationship isn’t my life and doesn’t consume my time. I hope that makes sense.
Honestly I don’t ever want to be the person that attracted my W. Truth be told that’s a terrifying thought. That person had no confidence, was easy pickens to a narcissist, and absolutely would have required a relationship to be happy and define who he was. I like who I am today more than I ever have in my life.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
You have plenty of time. I've been talking in another post how some women show one side before marriage, and a completely different side after the wedding. We may be living in modern times, but some things never change.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You have plenty of time. I've been talking in another post how some women show one side before marriage, and a completely different side after the wedding. We may be living in modern times, but some things never change.
Oh good lord...I hope I didn’t leave anyone with the impression I’m thinking about marrying anyone. No no...I’m just enjoying it for what it is. There is no possible way I’d considering remarrying anyone until all my kids are out of the house and self sufficient. They need me. They need to know they’re number 1 at all times and Dads going nowhere and no one is above them.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Just thought I’d do my every so often update. Wish this was a better one, but what can ya do?
So my ex appealed her child abuse indication. Apparently they allowed her a continuous because of COVID and her being due with a baby soon. Fun stuff. Speaking of which she’s still using my health insurance for the pre natal care or whatever you wanna call it for her new child. I find this mildly insulting, yet completely unsurprising.
D11 did reach out to my ex. She texted...”34yrs old, a high school drop out, 3 baby daddies, one abortion, and a child abuser. You’re a complete flop ********” (she called her by her first name).
I’m glad my child recognizes this is behavior that’s completely unbecoming. Yet, I still had her talk to her therapist about it. Her therapist believes it’s just D11 learning to express herself and feeling safe to do so. I spoke to my therapist and she reminded me just because this woman gave birth to them, that doesn't make her a mother.
My ex has been texting me telling me she loves me still and wants me back. She’s being abused, she needs me. She’ll always love me blah blah blah. I find if I just ignore her it goes smoother.
I did have to chase her down for child support last weekend. We made a deal on the day we were to go to court that instead of cash, she contacts me on Thursday, asks what we need food wise, and she orders my grocery list, and had it delivered. There is a very reasonable dollar limit ($250 every 2 weeks, for 5 kids I think she’s doing very well in that regard), so it was frustrating to have to make contact with her when she was late.
S17 turns 18 in less than 5 months (crazy). D15 turned into D16 a week or so ago. She had an excellent sweet 16. Went and got her permit and took her driving. I’ve never been more terrified in my life. Lol!
2 weeks ago I fell off an 8 ft retaining wall right into asphalt. Landed with my arms outstretched, right onto my ribs. Still paying the price for that move.
Christmas has been great and stressful but that’s to be expected. The kids have been wonderful understanding we lost all the extra money so Christmas isn’t what it use to be materialistic wise, but I think I’ve done great all things considered. Also been watching movies every night, hot cocoa and some baked treat. So making up for it in other ways.
I will admit, it did feel weird to wrap everything by myself, but that’s ok. I just put on some old radio shows from the 1930s and 1940s and went to work.
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday full of love and no one is alone.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
STBXW (it really is amazing how long a divorce can take, especially if someone is dragging it out, can take) had her baby on January 8th. Didn't call to tell me or the kids. Only found out because of the insurance claims update for the month via email. Wasn't sure if I should tell my kids, as the child is a half sibling, but I figured if the STBXW wanted them to know their half sibling was in the world, she would have made sure they knew for sure. If they ask I won't lie, but I'll leave it up to her to let them know otherwise.
In other news, the water pressure tank went and I lost all pressure in the middle of a shower. What can you do besides laugh right? Called a plumber, got a est for $1500, told them no way, went to home depot, bought a tank for $250, watched a youtube video and 3 hours later I saved $1250. I was super proud of myself!
I'm still seeing my girl friend and couldn't be happier with the way things are going. She's been over for dinner and movies and taught me and the kids how to play a card game I had never heard of before called Dutch Blitz. It's actually a lot of fun. She's introduced me to a lot of new foods I would have never have tried before, some i liked, some I didn't. Found out I can't stand sushi!!! ha ha. I rekindled a long lost love I had stashed away for over 20 years and started reading novels again, so we do read a lot together, and one of our "dates" was going to some really old library in a major city. She's a really cool woman who truly has helped make me feel safe to be my football loving, motorcycle riding nerd self. I even found my old stash of comics from when I was a little kid and started collecting those again. It feels really nice to be accepted, and it's feel even nicer to finally accept myself for who I am. It's even helped me to have a better relationship with my kids as crazy as it sounds. I found out D12 loves poetry and she talks about it all the time now instead of hiding it because she wasn't sure if her siblings or even I would find her weird. On one hand I'm really glad she is being herself and feeling safe in her skin, on the other hand, it makes me sad she didn't always feel that way. It's moments like that...I makes me feel regret for not always being the father I could have been, or should have been, but gives me hope because I am doing better, making real lasting changes and having a positive impact on my kids.
I do have a small quick story..so in the last few years companies have put out "classic systems". Nintendo, Super Nintendo, PlayStation 1, Sega Genesis etc. Some of my best memories as a kid was playing those old systems with my father and brothers. So, of course I had to buy them. The SNES classic has turned out to be my kids and my favorite. My 8 year old loves Zelda on it!! Anyway, they've been playing the original Mario Kart on it...practicing!! So low and behold a week ago, all 5 of them decided to challenge me to a tournament. If any of them won the Mario Kart tournament I had to take make sure the dishes were done by myself for a week. If I won, I didn't have to worry about the dishes for a week. I must admit...it was a nice week of not having to pre-rinse, load and unload a dishwasher!!! They were so surprised, they thought a few weeks of practicing was going to over come the years I spent as a child playing that game!! HA!!!
This weekend, it's a game of monopoly, winner doesn't have to do the dishes for a week....I think this is going to become a new thing for us. Find a game of any kind, and we are betting doing the dishes!! lol..
Last edited by JosephS; 02/05/2107:00 AM.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I do have a small quick story..so in the last few years companies have put out "classic systems". Nintendo, Super Nintendo, PlayStation 1, Sega Genesis etc. Some of my best memories as a kid was playing those old systems with my father and brothers. So, of course I had to buy them. The SNES classic has turned out to be my kids and my favorite. My 8 year old loves Zelda on it!! Anyway, they've been playing the original Mario Kart on it...practicing!! So low and behold a week ago, all 5 of them decided to challenge me to a tournament. If any of them won the Mario Kart tournament I had to take make sure the dishes were done by myself for a week. If I won, I didn't have to worry about the dishes for a week. I must admit...it was a nice week of not having to pre-rinse, load and unload a dishwasher!!! They were so surprised, they thought a few weeks of practicing was going to over come the years I spent as a child playing that game!! HA!!!
I built my own full size arcade machine ( google build your own arcade machine ) inlcuding CRT screen ( the 80s and 90s games were build for low res CRT screens so LCD distorts ) from scratch..
First it was your Water tank, next challange is a home made arcade machine for you ;-) - your kids will love it lol
My children LOVE Street Fighter 2, Turles and Xmen arcade games..
Im embarrased to say my 9 year old kicks my @$$ on Street Fighter 2
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Ugh. So, technically your wife had Om’s baby while married to you. Classy. Did she ever get another job?Where does she get money for groceries?
On her original plan to leave with the kids on your birthday, were the kids on board with the plan because she gaslighted everyone so effectively? They all seemed to jump on team JosephS pretty quick so it feels like they were not all convinced.
