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A Message from Michele
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Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2906444
10/21/20 10:58 PM
10/21/20 10:58 PM
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Core Offline
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At least the lawyers kids get their tuition covered. In seriousness, what your W is doing by dragging this out doesn't help, you, the kids or herself. That energy would be much more useful elsewhere. I'm sorry to hear your battle continues and that such extremes are required.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: Core] #2906486
10/22/20 11:03 AM
10/22/20 11:03 AM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by Core
At least the lawyers kids get their tuition covered. In seriousness, what your W is doing by dragging this out doesn't help, you, the kids or herself. That energy would be much more useful elsewhere. I'm sorry to hear your battle continues and that such extremes are required.


Out of his control

U, hang in there. Focus on what you can control. This to shall pass.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2906527
10/22/20 04:57 PM
10/22/20 04:57 PM
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unchien Offline OP
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Although I agree my W may be better off directing her energy elsewhere, that is her problem and not mine and I don't spend much time thinking about it.

Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2906528
10/22/20 05:13 PM
10/22/20 05:13 PM
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CWarrior Online
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Unchien, you have a healthy mindset going.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2906741
10/26/20 04:22 PM
10/26/20 04:22 PM
Joined: May 2019
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unchien Offline OP
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Three things that helped me immensely the last couple years:

1. Mind-reading: Waste of effort. It's so easy to look at somebody's actions or words and assume one knows what the other person is thinking. This is especially true in troubled relationships.

2. Narratives: Everybody journeys through life telling themselves little stories to help make sense of their reality. People cling to their narratives like barnacles on a boat. Some people in crisis (such as the deterioration of a MR), can look inwards, take responsibility for their role in the conflict in their lives, and come out stronger. Change is possible, but not easy, and the vast majority of people don't make lasting changes because it requires rewiring how you think, act, behave. It requires accepting responsibility and editing the narrative. That is HARD. It is an act of ego destruction. And similar to mind-reading, it is wasted effort to try to convince somebody else that their narrative is "wrong".

3. Villain / Victim: False narratives. It's easy to feel like a victim, or to assign my X as the villain, or both. Deciding to be the victim is deciding to be powerless and to hand over agency of my life to some mysterious obscure outside forces. Similar, deciding my X is a villain is letting go of my agency over my life. "Poor me, look at what this evil person is doing to me, destroying my life." Whatever she is doing is what she feels is best for her life.

I don't understand why my X does the things she does. I know it makes sense to her. I don't worry about it, and I deal with it as it comes. I assume it's her way of dealing with life. I feel so much stronger b/c I don't worry what might happen anymore. I don't care about her version of reality. Yes, a lot has been destroyed. I can't control that. At times I am frustrated and wish we could all just move on. But I accept it is what it is, for now.

I also check myself regularly -- this is not about trying to be the "bigger" person. I'm not trying to be any better than my X. I'm just worried about what I can control.

Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2906749
10/26/20 05:28 PM
10/26/20 05:28 PM
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Hi Unchien,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Good timing, and I will take them to heart today.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2907378
11/02/20 01:35 AM
11/02/20 01:35 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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unchien Offline OP
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In a little bit of a funk this weekend ~

My X has an OM now. Technically I've been told he's "a good friend" but I'm not gullible. The fact she is dating doesn't bother me and I'm not surprised by it.

But OM spends a ton of time with my kids. I've dated a little bit, but I would never introduce someone to my kids right now, not while we are still in the middle of sorting out our D.

I wouldn't even know about OM except my littlest always brings him up, even though I never ask. My older two have clearly been instructed not to mention OM, and will change the subject if my youngest mentions his name. It's really weird. I don't pry, I just say "Oh OK" and move on.

I know this is all ridiculous and I should let it go. I can't control it. But it nags at me. I didn't get a picture of my kids trick or treating while OM and X took them out. It hurts to feel replaced as a dad, not as a husband. Even though I know they only have one dad.

There is one other aspect that really frustrates me about my sitch. My X is controlling and will distort facts to justify what she does. She did this when we were happily married, I just wasn't at the other end of it at the time.

She has tried in many subtle ways to minimize my role with our kids. I really went through h3ll the last 18 months dealing with her threats of withholding the children. I made it out intact, but I know she will continue operating this way. The legal process will end eventually and I'll be left having to deal with her manipulations forever.

Probably some of this has to do with my insecurity about being a good father and my general lack of a support network where I live. Maybe this is something I will start discussing in IC.

Thanks for reading.

Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2907380
11/02/20 01:56 AM
11/02/20 01:56 AM
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U,

Sorry to hear. I really thought yours was one of the very few with no OM. The only advice I have is this too shall pass. Now she’s his problem. Your kids know who their dad is and most OMs do not want to be a father.

Stay strong U.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2907381
11/02/20 02:04 AM
11/02/20 02:04 AM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by unchien
In a little bit of a funk this weekend ~

My X has an OM now. Technically I've been told he's "a good friend" but I'm not gullible. The fact she is dating doesn't bother me and I'm not surprised by it.

But OM spends a ton of time with my kids. I've dated a little bit, but I would never introduce someone to my kids right now, not while we are still in the middle of sorting out our D.

I wouldn't even know about OM except my littlest always brings him up, even though I never ask. My older two have clearly been instructed not to mention OM, and will change the subject if my youngest mentions his name. It's really weird. I don't pry, I just say "Oh OK" and move on.

I know this is all ridiculous and I should let it go. I can't control it. But it nags at me. I didn't get a picture of my kids trick or treating while OM and X took them out. It hurts to feel replaced as a dad, not as a husband. Even though I know they only have one dad.

There is one other aspect that really frustrates me about my sitch. My X is controlling and will distort facts to justify what she does. She did this when we were happily married, I just wasn't at the other end of it at the time.

She has tried in many subtle ways to minimize my role with our kids. I really went through h3ll the last 18 months dealing with her threats of withholding the children. I made it out intact, but I know she will continue operating this way. The legal process will end eventually and I'll be left having to deal with her manipulations forever.

Probably some of this has to do with my insecurity about being a good father and my general lack of a support network where I live. Maybe this is something I will start discussing in IC.

Thanks for reading.


This is why we say there is always an OP. Whether it is a PA, an EA, or a fantasy of a future OP. Very few WASs walkaway to be alone forever. I know one, but it is by far the vast minority of witches.

I agree with LH. Most men use the kids to get to the woman. He has no interest in being your kids father no matter how he's behaving at the moment.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Light at the end of the tunnel [Re: unchien] #2907384
11/02/20 03:14 AM
11/02/20 03:14 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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unchien Offline OP
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LH, Steve ~

Thanks for the words of encouragement.

To be clear, OM came into the picture many months after the D decision. I know this for a fact. People move on and I accept that -- like I said, I've dated a little bit as well.

My W is still in the marital home and by external appearances would seem very well off. OM does odd jobs and is D'ed with no kids. 2+2 and it's obvious what's going on. That's for those two to work out. But the whole "playing family" bit without acknowledging it is happening is really frustrating. It's not something I would do at this point to my kids.

Because we are still working through negotiating the legal issues, my W and I almost barely communicate. Just in the past month alone she has done several crazy things -- alleging I underpaid support (not true), threatening to withhold the kids one weekend, delaying signing documents. She has very aggressive (and borderline unethical) representation. I have evidence that she has badmouthed me to other parents at the school my kids attend. It goes on and on and I've learned to deal with it. What frustrates me is the impact it has on our kids. It's so pointless and unnecessary.

One thing I am very proud of is that I have kept my kids out of it as best as I can. When my kids mention OM I don't ask further questions. I leave them out of it.

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