X reached out to me yesterday about some concerns about one of our kids with remote school.
I don't know how to co-parent with this person.
Her accusations over the last year, up to just 2 weeks ago, linger. I have zero trust. Absolutely zero.
It goes beyond the accusations. The way she twists things. For example, several months ago, she was suggesting I should not have weekdays with the kids because I couldn't pick them up at school every time, and I pointed out that the kids mentioned other parents were driving them home on her days, so I didn't see why if I needed help to pick them up sometimes it was a reason to limit my time. My X's reaction to this? She emailed one of the parents, said I have concerns and about who was picking up my kids and could she please respond so that I no longer had concerns.
I never asked her to contact this parent. It is the parent of one of my kid's friends. And now this person has the impression I am some insistent crazy father.
There's all kinds of subtle manipulative things like this that have happened. I haven't posted most of them. It's as if my X doesn't hear the words I say, she just assumes I am saying something else. Either that or she is just manipulative and petty. I don't know and the effect is the same.
Regarding her school concern, my XW always has had a way of dealing with people in this way. It's not unique to our D or me specifically. When she wants something, she will act as if she is seeking dialogue, when in fact she is looking to convince others that she has the right view point. I've seen her do this with family and friends before. I have no doubt in this situation she has some idea about what to do (homeschool? change schools?) and is only reaching out to me because she has to.
I don't know if she's a master manipulator. She is certainly controlling. I think it's just her way of interacting with the world. I do not look forward to having to interact with her.
I am speaking in absolutes, and I don't like to do that anymore. But it's how I feel.
Just to add some color, she also insisted recently that I reimburse her for a $1 bank transfer fee immediately. I am paying high 4 figures in support yet a $1 fee is worth more discord I guess...
I've mentioned before I have a strained relationship my parents. I have a couple good friends where I live now, although my X has driven a bit of a wedge with mutual friends. It is a lonely feeling to be a single dad with a hostile co-parent.
I'm just super super frustrated. I can tolerate it and it's not going to show up in how I interact with her. We have to start co-parenting counseling soon per court order and I have zero faith that X is going to have any interest in doing anything other than what she thinks is best.
Man that sounds real rough U! She really sounds infuriating!! One of my colleagues with an XW gave me a pretty good mental principle. "50% of their time has to be enough. Everything else is just business" It sounds like you are pretty well routed and can take it, but you really don't have to take any of it. You don't HAVE to do a single thing to her liking and long term you don't HAVE to even communicate with her. I too want to co-parent but realizing I don't even have to consider W is a freeing thought.
I hope the co-parenting counseling goes well. With all that manipulation I really understand you don't want anything to do with her. You can always imagine her taking a dump while sitting there. Might lighten things up.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
It goes beyond the accusations. The way she twists things. For example, several months ago, she was suggesting I should not have weekdays with the kids because I couldn't pick them up at school every time, and I pointed out that the kids mentioned other parents were driving them home on her days, so I didn't see why if I needed help to pick them up sometimes it was a reason to limit my time.
It's great you are over letting her make parenting decisions. You both start with equal rights, and I think you've for awhile been on-track that you do what you think is best during your parenting time and she will do so with hers. No need to justify anything to the other. There are a limited number of things you must coordinate on, such as school choices and week+ projects/homework. Yes, there will be headaches. As she gets used to you setting boundaries, there will hopefully be less conflicts. She will learn your "No" means "no" and there's little point to keep pestering you once you've made a considered parenting decision.
Oh, U, this sounds so frustrating. Frustrating maybe isn't even the right word. Bone-deep soul-wrenching gut-churning frustration. I don't think anyone would know how to co-parent with this person.
Something struck me here:
Originally Posted by unchien
For example, several months ago, she was suggesting I should not have weekdays with the kids because I couldn't pick them up at school every time, and I pointed out that the kids mentioned other parents were driving them home on her days, so I didn't see why if I needed help to pick them up sometimes it was a reason to limit my time. My X's reaction to this? She emailed one of the parents, said I have concerns and about who was picking up my kids and could she please respond so that I no longer had concerns.
Maybe you're already doing this, but it seems to me like the only way to avoid this kind of BS is to simply not engage. So when she says some ridiculous like you can't have weekdays because you can't pick them up at school every time, just acknowledge you heard her but restate what you want or think is right. There is no arguing with her, and everything you say is fuel to her. In my state on the child custody paperwork, you do have to agree who can drive your children-- at least you can both say you don't care, you can name people you both are comfortable with, or you need to get it OKed by the other parent. I'm not sure I totally get how she is able to have other people drive them around but you aren't, and if that won't be possible in the final paperwork then why bother engaging?
When you talk to her about the distance learning issue, remember you don't have to agree to anything in the moment, or even really respond. Maybe it is best to listen, thank her, tell her you'll think about it (in some nice non-confrontational way, wow, this is big, I'm glad you shared this with me, I need to think about it and will get back to you asap) and then disengage to give you some time to digest and decide.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Mumin, CW, may ~ Thanks for the feedback. It echoes what I learned in a co-parenting class I took in the winter.
I've been told it typically takes *minimum* 12-18 months post-finalization before things settle down in these high-conflict situations. I'm not holding my breath. I suspect it will be longer.
Mostly I'm frustrated with the impact on my kids. I didn't want the D for them either, but it has had a silver lining. My relationship with the kids is stronger than before. Even had we R'd, my X always had an element of needing to control how we parent, what the kids do, etc. I'm hopeful about how they will adjust. All I can do is try to be a good father for them and minimize their anxiety by keeping the discord away from them. I can't control how they turn out.
It's hard to tell if things will settle down eventually and become more amicable. I'm full of doubt. She was never one to compromise, negotiate, and work through difficult issues. I was a NG and I liked to please her, so I probably reinforced this behavior to some degree.
The legal process is slow and exhausting and expensive. I can't wait for things to work their way through but it's going to take several more months minimum given my X's recalcitrance. She's refused to work at all even though she has a higher education than I do, for instance. Throw reason out the window -- let's pay lawyers a bunch of money. Frustrating...
I've noticed in the last month or so, I will periodically have 2-3 days of peace -- no lawyer interaction, no bullying/harassing e-mails from my X on one thing or another (my favorite this month -- insisting I reimburse her for a $1 bank transaction fee). The peace feels incredible. But then I get another e-mail, or look at my credit card bill, or she's pestering me about something with the kids (always a criticism of something minor). I've learned to deal with it and go about my day, but I can't wait to get to a more stable situation. I know the coparenting will be an issue to deal with for the long-term.
My kids seem to be doing great and I'm proud of keeping them out of the conflict the best I can. They still have remote school in my state and the days I have them are crazy -- working full-time while keeping the older two focused on work and the youngest happy with activities. I'm exhausted at the end of those days but they are very rewarding too.
Stay safe everyone and keep focusing on what you can control.
She's refused to work at all even though she has a higher education than I do, for instance. Throw reason out the window -- let's pay lawyers a bunch of money. Frustrating...
Oof. One of my ex-girlfriend's played that game with their ex-husband. She argued it was better for her child if she stayed home and watched him than get a babysitter. The ex filed a motion with the court, and before her son turned 1, she was forced to return to work or have her child support docked as if she had. (I secretly was rooting for the ex-husband on this.) Hang in there. The court's generally on your side on this.
My ex boyfriend had an ex wife much like yours in terms of the kids. The only way he was able to protect himself was having ONLY communication through my family wizard . They also this can be viewed by a parent coordinator and everything is permissible to court . So the manipulations are minimal.
I know this isn’t a preferable way to communicate, but it might be the only way.
Ginger ~ Sounds like his X and my X would get along. We already use the family wizard app per court order. Exchanges happen at public neutral locations (again, per my insistence). These are both at my insistence.
