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A Message from Michele
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Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2905824
10/15/20 01:20 PM
10/15/20 01:20 PM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 51
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WMWB Offline OP
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WMWB  Offline OP
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Posts: 51
I think because of all of the crap during this process I've started to wonder if my wife is intentionally distancing herself so that I will make the decision to just give up. Sometimes it feels like her actions are just intentional rather than part of a process. I mean I know she may be going through some things of her own but so am I but that doesn't stop me asking how she is or doing something nice for her.

My wife and I used to text back and forth throughout the day, now she just goes to work and I hear nothing from her at all day unless I reach out to her (had your lunch? etc). I ask her how work is going and she never asks about me or how my work is. Is very frustrating.

Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2905826
10/15/20 01:24 PM
10/15/20 01:24 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by WMWB
I think because of all of the crap during this process I've started to wonder if my wife is intentionally distancing herself so that I will make the decision to just give up. Sometimes it feels like her actions are just intentional rather than part of a process. I mean I know she may be going through some things of her own but so am I but that doesn't stop me asking how she is or doing something nice for her.

My wife and I used to text back and forth throughout the day, now she just goes to work and I hear nothing from her at all day unless I reach out to her (had your lunch? etc). I ask her how work is going and she never asks about me or how my work is. Is very frustrating.



This is a common mistake LBS make. On BD the WAS says "I want less of you", and your reaction is to try to give her more of you.

So what used to happen? That is not the reality now. What I am telling you is that you reaching out "had your lunch?" is pressure and pursuit. #1 rule of DBing is remove all pressure and pursuit. WASs are like a cat. If you reach for the cat they will run away. If you sit quietly and make no sudden moves, the cat might come to you of their own accord and jump into your lap.

I am noticing some NGS tendencies. You might want to look into the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2905834
10/15/20 03:27 PM
10/15/20 03:27 PM
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 340
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Steve_ Offline
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I agree with Steve85 for what it's worth, I Just read it and wow. its really amazing and trust me its not what you think, it goes a whole lot deeper. You will see how being a nice guy, isn't nice at all. I think you gotta 180 my friend. If you were always "nice" you need to stop that. My wife told me her reason was that she felt I took her for granted and didn't care. Now I don't pursue but I do things to make her life easier. She has definitely noticed, she has not decided to come back yet, but it seems like she is second guessing it now.

I wont get my hopes up (I am I know I am but im trying not to) and I know that wise DB'ers have said that the consistent 180's are how they see your changes and trust in them. Time kills us but it is on our side too. Sometimes we gotta do the opposite of what we think. It rips my heart out not to tell her "don't leave, please..etc" But I think that actually helped quite a bit to not do it.

Good luck, you CAN do this!


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1
She moved out 10/15/20 (sort of)
OM "a friend" confirmed 10/27/20
OM gone 01/20/2021.
She doesnt want to Recon "yet"
Re: Caught in limbo [Re: Steve85] #2906020
10/17/20 07:11 PM
10/17/20 07:11 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 195
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tom_l Offline
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by WMWB
My wife and I used to text back and forth throughout the day, now she just goes to work and I hear nothing from her at all day unless I reach out to her (had your lunch? etc). I ask her how work is going and she never asks about me or how my work is. Is very frustrating.


This is a common mistake LBS make. On BD the WAS says "I want less of you", and your reaction is to try to give her more of you.

So what used to happen? That is not the reality now. What I am telling you is that you reaching out "had your lunch?" is pressure and pursuit. #1 rule of DBing is remove all pressure and pursuit. WASs are like a cat. If you reach for the cat they will run away. If you sit quietly and make no sudden moves, the cat might come to you of their own accord and jump into your lap.

I am noticing some NGS tendencies. You might want to look into the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I agree with Steve85 here. You need to back off.

You also need to understand that she might be trying to test whether she really CAN live without you. You can hardly blame her, given the state her head is at. Pursuing her will push her further away and make it quite clear to her that she neither wants nor needs you. Keep it businesslike and level, all communications, and limit it to the essential ones.

My WAW/STBXW went through that. We had very little written correspondence over the first 12 weeks, but I saw the tenor of her writing change, from pain and apology (with signoffs of "love" and "fondly") to, eventually, very flat and businesslike writing without a signoff, or maybe a "sincerely." I'd known her a long time, she had concluded after 3 months that, yes, "after 30 years with Tom I CAN live without him." There is nothing I could have done to change that. She moved out just to test whether that was possible.

Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2906052
10/18/20 03:26 AM
10/18/20 03:26 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 51
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WMWB Offline OP
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My wife yesterday disclosed that she has been speaking to a counsellor and she said that she has been talking about all of this along with some past childhood stuff that shes never dealt with before and its been stirring up a lot for her.. She has said she honestly isnt sure what she wants right now but does want to try working on us but her head is all over the place right now.

Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2906055
10/18/20 04:46 AM
10/18/20 04:46 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 51
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WMWB Offline OP
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Quote
It's common for a WW to turn to her LBH to rescue her, when things get too tough or her fantasy with OM doesn't work out like she thought it would. She knew what to say, in order to go back home. Maybe she meant it at the time, IDK. But at some point, it started becoming a bit too much.


This is whats happened, after my wife moved in with the AP (couple of days) she started texting me ILY and saying that shed made a big mistake, the relationship was dead with AP. I said to her then you need to end this and come home but she was resisting with the excuse that she couldnt leave him with the rented apartment and that her name was on the lease and that she would look a fool, she said shed need to stay a few months and then she would end it so it didnt look as bad. She seemed more interested in saving face more than anything and I said to her that this is all kinds of wrong and that she just needs to end it as this is not fair on everyone involved. Oh man reading this back its crazy I feel such a fool as I think Im just a Plan B.

Anyway something then happened between her and AP wheres hed done something that frightened her and she called me a few days later (although wed been texting back and forth in between that time ILY and marriage will be better etc) and she said that it was over between her and AP and she wanted me to bring her home and she leaves while AP is out. She phones and then texts him its over. Number blocked contact record deleted.

She comes home and its all the right words like I should have worked on our marriage and shes saying ILY and sorry and she is such an idiot. She cant believe shes gone against everything she believes in and shes let everyone down, she is cuddling and kissing and a couple weeks later were back in the bedroom (this was two and a half months ago).

About a week ago I notice shes deleted the texts from that time from my phone.

Then she tells me yesterday shes been speaking to a counsellor and shes been going over things and thats why things have changed as its stirring up a lot of things especially in her childhood as her father was violent with her. She tells me what happened with AP and councillor said perhaps she saw her Dad in that moment. The idiot I am I ask her and now do you think you where hasty in running out (WTF why would I ask that? Im already as insecure as [censored]) and she says maybe but its made her think how messed up she is right now. I asked her do you want to be with me and she says right now I dont know what I want but I do want to work on us and how she needs some her time as well.

Right now she just seems to lack any empathy or appreciation of what all of this has done and is doing to me. She said again there has been no contact with AP but that she does feel she is grieving the loss of that relationship and she is taking to her counsellors about it.

Reading back its no wonder my head is so messed up and that I think its all a big deception.

Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2906061
10/18/20 10:47 AM
10/18/20 10:47 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Offline
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M,

You left the board when your W came home and it may have cost you dearly. Reconciliation rarely happens that quickly and you can't let them come back that easily. They have to work to get you back next see you as a person of value.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2906062
10/18/20 11:41 AM
10/18/20 11:41 AM
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Give. Her. Space

Shes home, she says she wants to work on the marriage but at the same time she is lost and confused. She is on a completely different timeline to you. As my MC said of my reconciliation, H and I are on different trains, trying to get to the same destination. Hes a few stops behind me, hell get there when he gets there. Honestly, some days I feel like Im on the express train and his stops at every GD station! You cant make her go faster than she can go.

Im 4.5 months into reconciliation - its tough. Two steps forward, one step back. My H was like your W...wanted to come back, we had a few weeks honeymoon period then he went back into the dont know what I want but I want to try. Slowly slowly he is becoming more loving, more affectionate. Give it time.

Try not to over-analyse, or micro-analyse as that is killing you and she will feel that pressure. You have to take a step back. I know its hard, I know what the anxiety and insecurity feel like, but its really not that attractive to be insecure or mopey.

Read the Reconciliation and Piecing thread on this forum if you havent already. You will find it really useful.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-Apr 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2906065
10/18/20 02:12 PM
10/18/20 02:12 PM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 51
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WMWB Offline OP
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WMWB  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2020
Posts: 51
I guess my biggest nag is that this is a false R and she is back in contact with the AP which she has told me she is not, the way shes behaving lack of empathy etc feels just like it did when the OM was in the scene.

Re: Caught in limbo [Re: WMWB] #2906068
10/18/20 02:34 PM
10/18/20 02:34 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Posts: 5,976
Do you have a transparency plan?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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