Caught in limbo

[WMWB]

I certainly did pursue and did the usual pleading and begging at first and I did the old pick me dance against the OM. After I reasonably calmed down I went about "fixing" this and "fixing" that and trying to sort all of the things she told me that where making her unhappy. Things like sorting finances, sorting work hours, getting back in shape, I even got rid of one of our dogs (had bad behavioural issues) that sort of stuff (trying to be practical). Of course I failed to realise it seems the practical side of things made no difference because the dopamine hit she was getting from the OM all the better which is probably why she didn't want to leave her job.

That said the practical things I did sort has given me a good foundation to work from should things not work out with the W.

I've later found out that she didn't tell anyone we where back together (work colleagues) and wasn't wearing her ring or allowing me to driver to work (she doesn't drive) as she was trying to spare the OM feelings and he told her that he couldn't tell his daughter they had broken up because it brought a lump to his throat (yuk!).

Since she last left a few weeks ago the OM was back on the scene a day later and I found out about it a day later. It was at that point I decided to pull back to protect own sanity. So we have had very little contact as in three or four texts in the last few weeks which has been related to finance.

I've been reading a lot of things on here from Sandi2 and I have read a few books (waiting on DB arriving) and of course I have done a lot of reading on affairs and the "fog" and limerance and the effects it can have on people and their behaviour. Lot of material is great BUT it generally focuses on those that has been caught in affairs and immediately regret it when caught and want to work on the marriage. The WW seems a whole different beast altogether.

Sad fact is my wife was texting the OM from Jan "As Friends" and they became physical during our first separation but the W doesn't see this as an affair ("We where on a break!").

Yes I am still emotional but I manage that emotion myself and she isn't involved in that, I have become MUCH calmer about reaching out to her or messaging her etc. Afterall she said its over anyway so while I remain hopeful I have to respect what she is saying and so therefore I have no need to contact her about "us" anyway, not that I would because I need to regather my own thoughts and get back into a better place that when I do speak to her again (if that even happens) I can do it without wanting to immediately ask her "can we talk".

[WMWB]

One thing I just want to point out is I asked her if she is still attracted to me and she says yes she is and thats never been an issue and there was never an issue with our sex life. She is still able to be affectionate with me (albeit that will now stop if I do see her since the OM is back).

[Cadet]

One thing I just want to point out is I asked her if she is still attracted to me and she says yes she is and thats never been an issue and there was never an issue with our sex life. She is still able to be affectionate with me (albeit that will now stop if I do see her since the OM is back).

Its called cake eating

[WMWB]

One thing I just want to point out is I asked her if she is still attracted to me and she says yes she is and thats never been an issue and there was never an issue with our sex life. She is still able to be affectionate with me (albeit that will now stop if I do see her since the OM is back).

Its called cake eating

Yes have learned that from these forums hence the reason there will be no further physical contact while the OM is on the scene.

[WMWB]

So wife is coming over to see our grown up son so doesn't require me to be there.

How should I handle this? should I interact with her at all or should I just go out and let them get on with it (could go get some shopping).

Part of me would like to see her (maybe the wrong thinking) but part of me is saying that seeing her could put me back in terms of detaching.

[ovrrnbw]

You should have plans that require you to be doing something, especially if it is during the evening. Tell your son you are meeting a friend for drinks and leave the house, even if you are only going to the park to walk or read.

[sandi2]

Hi WMWB,

Here's a story about a woman who has two men who are dancing to the tune of "Pick Me", and I'm guessing it isn't hurting her ego. I suspect your WW and her AP had a lover's spat, that week she went back home. Then they quickly made up. She had her reasons for not wearing her wedding rings to work, and not wanting you to drive her there. She didn't dump the OM. She was either punishing him for something........or she had her feelings hurt by him, and ran home to be comforted. However, she knew she wasn't ready to end the affair, and therefore, keeping you out of her workplace and the rings out of sight while she continued things with OM was her intent.

I'm going to give you a couple of important tips, should she want to return home again. 1) She must not continue working with her AP. No exceptions! One of them must find another job or location, so they aren't "thrown" together in the workforce. Affairs are extremely addictive, so she can't see him at work every day, get a text from him, or even voice mail. 2) If/when you take her back, don't have sex with her right away. I think LBH's see having sex as a way of "sealing the deal" with his WW, but it doesn't seal anything ........just as your W proved how two-faced, underhanded, and calloused a WW can be. When or if you decide to take her back (notice I'm saying when/if you take her back).........it should be under your terms. She doesn't get to call the shots. You are the betrayed, and as we go along you will learn what you need to require from her, in order to have a much better chance of a successful reconciliation. I've given you two, and here's a third one. Don't let her come back (reconcile) with the premise you'll sleep in separate bedrooms. Like I said, don't have sex right off the bat, but do sleep in the bed together.

From what I have observed from LBH's on the board for several years, the majority simply have no idea just how much of a change his WW has made by the time OM has set up residence in her head. If I had the power to get two messages across to LBH's, it would be the fact that he can't talk her back into his arms, and he can't nice her out of her wayward mindset. The most effective thing he can do, is to let her go.........and do it quickly & firmly, without giving any opportunities for her to "meet up with him to talk". I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, if you don't want it. I'm not saying you have to stop loving her. At this point in the sitch, talks don't solve the problems. In fact, most H's do more damage when they try to have a talk with his WW. This may sound contrary to what you've read or heard, but you are dealing with a hard-hearted WW. Your W is openly disrespecting you and the M, and there needs to be some action that will jerk her head around a couple of times. The most effective, IMHO, comes when the WW realizes she has truly lost her H. When she knows he isn't interested in her, or how she's feeling......or what she's doing. He isn't concerned. When she sees him moving forward, having a life without her, it usually sends a message to her fogged out mind. WW's are very arrogant, and she doesn't think of herself being dumped by the LBH. She thinks she has two men wanting her to pick one of them. What I'm telling you may sound crazy, and maybe everything you thought you knew about women and about marriage is spinning in circles. Why? B/c this isn't just any woman. This isn't about just any marriage problem, where the two of you can sit down and talk things out. You are dealing with a stranger. She's uncooperative. She's selfish. She's unreasonable. She's a liar and deceiver. She does things you never thought she was capable of doing. There's a lot of books written to help couples in their MR. Not as many written on this subject of WW. The WW doesn't want help. She doesn't want you fixing her. So, you are rather limited on what you can do to bust a divorce. I don't say this to discourage you, but rather to help you see the real issue, and learn what you can do about it. That leads me to what I've been saying about letting her go.

I can almost read some LBH's thoughts. First thing he wants to do is tell her he is letting her go! Anyone reading this who might find themselves in this type of situation......please listen up. Forget about telling your WW you are letting her go. Don't tell her how you feel. Don't share your thoughts. Don't jump the gun and tell what all you would require in order to reconcile. Don't pass along some catchy saying you read off the board. Here's the thing. You have been betrayed, and openly disrespected by the one who stood before God, and maybe a lot of people, and took vows to stay faithful. Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret. She hasn't been thinking about her vows. At the moment, she doesn't care what she said during that wedding ceremony........b/c her moral/religious values have pretty much been cast aside. She is not guided by the integrity, honor, principles, etc., that perhaps she once had. Her emotions are in control. When she crossed the line, it opened the door and ushered her into a place where there is no logic or reasoning. It's all about her! Everything is run by whatever she's feeling at the moment. She may be smart as a whip, but emotionally, she's messed up. You can't reason with a wayward, once she starts acting out her fantasy (and rebellion). The WW has to see the consequences for the decisions she made to betray her H, and tear apart her family.

Now, let me quickly add something else. Everything a WW does........comes from her own volition. She willingly crosses the inappropriate line that should be clearly drawn between her and other men. A lot of problems come when these lines are blurred. I think social media, the convenience & privacy of cell phones, & some apps have helped in blurring lines for a lot of people. Unfortunately, many people use the excuse of talking to a co-worker, as if it's all strictly business/professional.........when in reality, it has moved to a more personal, or even intimate level. I suppose everyone has their own opinion about this subject, and this happens to be mine.

Before I close this post, I want to impress the importance of not jumping into something without first talking about it here. It's not that anyone wants you dependent on the board to make your decisions. Anyone in your position experiences a roller coaster of emotions, especially the desire to do some action that would influence your W. However, newcomers need time to digest what we try to put out here, and we can't say everything in a couple of posts. Know what I mean? So, make sure you really know, before stepping off into dark water.

[WMWB]

I think the problem for men like myself is choosing to accept our marriage is over or if we should hold onto hope that the WW gets some sort of wake up call (perhaps relationship with OM won’t work out). I mean she says it’s over so should I accept that or is that just fogged up brain talking? But what if it’s not?

I am sure many men like myself simply look for hope where we can find it from the almighty good but our search terms and biased to make us feel better “do relationships started from affairs last?” Or “will my wife regret leaving for her affair partner?” and finding the answers we want like “affairs to fizzle out” or “trust issues will creep in the new relationship” but that’s an instant search term for some instant relief that doesn’t really highlight the time all of this requires and the true strength needed to hold on. We come to the forums looking for “answers” and we say we’re no contact and maybe we are but we are still holding onto that hope and still googling those search terms and not detaching as we really should because our brain is tricking us to fight and to keep going.

Some of are perhaps logical in nature and we look at limrence (affair fog) and it’s 6 - 18 months, so is that how long I hold out? Is this what’s causing her to act this way rather than to see there is value in the marriage.

There is so much conflicting information both in our research and in our brains that at times we’re hoeing with each day that we make it through that we’ll have a lightbulb moment that switches to just tell us our marriage is over and the hope we held is distinguished, but instead we wake up in the morning and for that brief moment it’s all right until the grief washes over you until it’s time to get up and the struggle between hope and detachment and no contact begins again (hopefully today a bit easier this time)

Small bed time thoughts out loud.

[BL42]

WMWB,

So much of your situation resonates with me. It's as if I'm reading my own story with my wife talking/texting a co-worker starting earlier this year and then becoming completely cold/resentful/angry towards me while I was in shock she was completely unwilling to work on our (what I thought were smaller) issues and fix our marriage and left wondering what I did that was so bad which made her hate me. To the point of more experienced posters, we're not unique and our wives definitely seem to be following "the script".

LH19 and sandi2's posts on your thread really seem to speak to me as well, and are helping me start to understand how far gone our wives are and why they're so angry/resentful when we haven't done anything "that bad". They feel guilt and anger about their own actions and are projecting them onto us. My wife would be the first person to rail against affairs and bad situations with other couples throughout our marriage...until she herself got into one.

Your last post really nailed my mindset as well. I googled those identical search terms and back in March took comfort in the affairs rarely end well and some limerent affairs last as little as 3 months, but as time passed and I read about more and more of this site, I realize how naive that hope was - most situations take WAY longer than 3 months and often last years.

Finally, "but instead we wake up in the morning and for that brief moment it’s all right until the grief washes over you until it’s time to get up and the struggle between hope and detachment and no contact begins again". YES, YES, YES. I COMPLETELY understand. Sleeping is a temporary comfort and relief from the reality of our situations but you have to wake up at some point only to realize it's not a dream.

[BL42]

From what I have observed from LBH's on the board for several years, the majority simply have no idea just how much of a change his WW has made by the time OM has set up residence in her head. If I had the power to get two messages across to LBH's, it would be the fact that he can't talk her back into his arms, and he can't nice her out of her wayward mindset. The most effective thing he can do, is to let her go.........and do it quickly & firmly, without giving any opportunities for her to "meet up with him to talk". I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, if you don't want it. I'm not saying you have to stop loving her. At this point in the sitch, talks don't solve the problems. In fact, most H's do more damage when they try to have a talk with his WW. This may sound contrary to what you've read or heard, but you are dealing with a hard-hearted WW. Your W is openly disrespecting you and the M, and there needs to be some action that will jerk her head around a couple of times. The most effective, IMHO, comes when the WW realizes she has truly lost her H. When she knows he isn't interested in her, or how she's feeling......or what she's doing. He isn't concerned. When she sees him moving forward, having a life without her, it usually sends a message to her fogged out mind. WW's are very arrogant, and she doesn't think of herself being dumped by the LBH. She thinks she has two men wanting her to pick one of them. What I'm telling you may sound crazy, and maybe everything you thought you knew about women and about marriage is spinning in circles. Why? B/c this isn't just any woman. This isn't about just any marriage problem, where the two of you can sit down and talk things out. You are dealing with a stranger. She's uncooperative. She's selfish. She's unreasonable. She's a liar and deceiver. She does things you never thought she was capable of doing. There's a lot of books written to help couples in their MR. Not as many written on this subject of WW. The WW doesn't want help. She doesn't want you fixing her. So, you are rather limited on what you can do to bust a divorce. I don't say this to discourage you, but rather to help you see the real issue, and learn what you can do about it. That leads me to what I've been saying about letting her go.

sandi2 - This paragraph really resonated with me, and is helping me to start to understand the situation better. For quite awhile I couldn't understand how my wife would be completely unwilling to work on our marriage (especially with two young children) on what seemed to be common martial issues (I.e., not "major" problems, at least in my mind). I thought we can definitely work through this. However, words like stranger, uncooperative, selfish, unreasonable, liar, deceiver all hit the nail on the head for my wife over the last 5-6 months...words I'd never use to describe her prior to BD. If you have time I would love for you to read my situation, 'WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce", and comment with any thoughts and feedback you have.